alyssajones

I am going crazy...it's been months and this still bothers me. After a couple weeks of me being angry and crying, he told me he threw out photos of her that he had. He knew exactly where they were and brought them with him when he moved. He brought his feeling for her with him when we decided to buy our home together. Right after this all blew up, he told me he does not care for her anymore, even though I know full well you don't still have feelings for someone one day and turn it off the next. When it happened I asked him to do whatever he needed to gain closure. He wouldn't. All he's doing is trying to wait things out. As if I'll just get over the hurt. That is not to say he doesn't care about me. He takes care of me and other than this, we actually have very good interactions. Today he tells me he loves only me. I just don't trust him. I want to work this out. We want to get married and move on, but this is the one thing holding me back. He doesn't know what to do to make it better, I don't know what either but something has to be done. I hate feeling this way!

Take a note with you next week. If there are other customers in the store, leave it with her to read later. Keep the note simple, maybe just mention that you think she's interesting and maybe she'd like to hang out or go for a coffee, just to chat leave your number and cross your fingers

Is she talking about being torn outside, ie: the thin skin at the opening, on the side closest to her anus? If that is the case, just make sure she is well lubricated, and go slowly if you are penetrating her. I still get torn every once in a while still, I asked my doctor about it and she gave me the same advice. The human body was built to pass a child, if you choose to have intercourse her body will be able to handle it as well. Good luck and have fun!

When you confronted him, did you mention how the most recent e-mail was dated during this week? How did he explain that?

I would just reply back a simple "no" as well.

I agree with Momene - keep yourself busy. Working yourself up over it will not change her going to Europe, and it certainly isn't doing any good for you. Stress does terrible things to people, not just emotionally but physically as well. Find a project to work on, look for a local community course to take, do something with friends, etc. Keep busy

I think in general (whether they want to admit it or not), women LOVE attention. Sometimes their actions are geared towards getting attention, even if it's not always the best way to go about it.

I think you would highly benefit from getting your own life in order first, before you seek to share it with another, especially someone who is as unstable he seems. Good luck and best wishes on your journey!

It's clear that you care about her as a person. Talk to her. Just make sure your words don't come out accusational, simply discuss the situation and let her know you care She's lucky to have someone that does!

LDRs take a lot of work. I have been in 2 myself that each lasted about 4 years. I would say because you have not been together very long, compounded by the fact that you have feelings for, and have slept with someone else already, that you should not string your LD-boyfriend along, and just let him know that it's not going to work out for you. I would spare him the details of sleeping with someone else though. If you did need to reveal anything you could say you are finding you have feelings for someone else, and that this situation (being in an LDR) is not working for you.

It sounds like you love your current boyfriend, and that things are going well. I would class your current feelings for your ex as lust, as you are overlooking the reasons why he is your ex in the first place! Do what your heart tells you is right. Is it worth the risk of losing what you have now?

Try looking up depersonalization or derealization (DP/DR). If that is not it perhaps it will help point you in the right direction.

Sounds like she's going to learn some lessons about life the hard way. And unfortunately her boyfriend is going to get caught up in it as well. The only thing I could suggest is to talk to her, try to stay on a neutral basis, show her you care about her well being, and she'll have to make her own decisions based on that.

Trust is paramount. Especially in a Long Distance situation. Where do you see your relationship going with her in the future? Does she feel the same way? Talk about it, see if you are heading towards the same goals. LDR take a lot of investment from both parties, (I did it twice for a couple years each), and you want to make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Hoping the best for you!

Of course it is the weekend now, so how did things go? Did you end up seeing him mid-week or just wait it out until the weekend? If he didn't care about you, he wouldn't drive all that way to see you all the time. Remember that

I know what it's like to have rough days and simply need a hug. I used to be in a Long Distance Relationship, we were ~4 hours apart. Somedays it would hurt me that he didn't seem to care but really it was just living our lives until we could see each other again (usually every 2nd or 3rd weekend). After a couple years I learned to do this as well and passing the time between seeing each other became a lot easier. Even though in the end it didn't work out (we were together about 4 years), I learned a lot about taking time for myself and enjoying it, and trying not to be TOO dependant on someone else. Hope this helps!

On the bright side, at least you find out now before your feelings get too involved and it becomes even harder to separate yourself from the situation!

nottoogreen - Our relationship prior to finding out about these residual feelings has been wonderful. I feel we are very compatible for each other, and have found that living together and being together has been a benificial experience, for both of us. I believe we thrive with each other as we have both seen improvements in our own lives in comparison to the past. I feel that this issue is like a pothole on our journey, we'll drive out of it eventually. I'm just trying to figure out which way to steer. He has done nothing but show me he wants to be with me since, and in time I believe he will clear these feelings but until then it will bother me. I can't help but feel that way. Feeling that way sucks and hence why I write about it and look out to this wonderful community is for support.

Thank you all for your quick reply. Aschleigh - I agree with you about having patience...I am doing the best I can, but it is hard, sometimes seems harder everyday. His good intentions for us are definitely there. He tells me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, doesn't want me to hurt anymore. I told him that I just needed to know one thing, I just need to know when he doesn't have feelings for her anymore. At first I was mad and didn't know how I could be with someone who had feelings for someone else. But my brain kicked in eventually and I realize that these are old feelings that simply need time to pass. *sigh* Patience..gotta keep trying, right? Momene - Superficial attraction doesn't bother me. We are after all human beings, and logistically we are not monogamous creatures by nature (like Lobsters, who mate for life). We have to work hard and that's why it's so rewarding when it does work well. Admiring an attractive person, for example is no different that admiring a beautiful piece of artwork. That story you told reminds me of the day I discovered I no longer had feelings for my first love. itsallgrand - my initial reaction was to start making big decisions...of course you are right and this is not the time. We both love each other a great deal, and he has expressed to me without doubt that he chooses me. I have to admit I will not be comfortable until I know he does not have feelings for her anymore. I think back to my first love and I know it took me 4 or 5 years to get over it, in fact I remember the day I noticed I did not have those feelings anymore. It was a strange feeling, but very eye opening. I am fortunate that he is being open and honest with me, and I think things will be ok if I can get through this waiting period. Again thank you all for the quick reply. If anyone else has any other advice or opinions to share, I'd be happy to hear it. Mostly now I feel somewhat uncomfortable...I want that comfort back. I want to trust him again, not worry about who he is thinking about if the next time there is another tiff...I know time is a key role in that answer, but there has to be something else.

I need a little advice and the only person I want to talk to about it right now passed away recently, so I don't know who to turn to... I hope someone here can help. The short: We have been together for over a year, recently bought a place together, and are headed for marriage and to share our lives together. Recently found out he still has feelings for his first love, although still wants to be with me. What would you do? I want to give him time but I'm finding the whole situation very hard on me... --- The long: My boyfriend and I have known each other for a couple years, and our friendship grew into a romantic relationship -- we started seeing each other on a more serious basis beginning of last year. At the time, we were both also looking to buy our own places, and after much discussion, decided we were ready to purchase together, which we did this past January. I know it does seem a bit soon, I'd be the first to criticize the decision if it was a friend of mine doing the same. However we are both confident in each other and our plans for the future, and the second factor I don't need to explain if you've ever tried to purchase a home in today's market! We had talked about marriage in the next year or two, starting a family after that. Both of us had similar goals/values, and it was all progressing well. We are both in our mid-late 20's. 3 weeks ago, his dad passed away suddenly. I am thankful for all the family support, and to be able to do the same for them. His dad was always so good to me, treated me like the daughter-in-law he knew I was going to be. I felt close to him, and it has been a pretty rough time. Through this event, we have talked a lot lately, and in our discussions of who we need to let know about his father's passing, we talked about a girl we'll call Lisa, who up until now I had dismissed as more of an old friend of his than anything else. Lisa and my bf have known each other for about 7 years. At first they tried getting together a couple times (and did for a couple weeks even) but it never really worked out because they were both busy people. They stayed friends instead all these years, which I can value as anyone I am still friends with after 7 years is so for a reason! When I asked him if he had let her know yet, he told me he couldn't bear to talk with her right now because it'd have to be some big long e-mail. Alarms went off in my head. While we had talked about what happened, I understood he was still processing the event and we hadn't overly discussed feelings beyond sadness about it all. But he made it out like he working towards pouring his heart out to someone else, while not even thinking to talk to me? They don't e-mail often, and there was the odd phone call once in a while to say hello. We had our housewarming recently to which he invited her to come. When she didn't show up, he mentioned it and seemed a little disappointed. A couple days after it, she e-mailed asking for the date of the housewarming, and he realized he didn't send it! I could swear I saw his heart drop a bit in disappointment. I jokingly teased him but brushed off the small jealousy because I knew dwelling would only make me turn into that evil-jealous monster we all know about! Whenever I thought I saw her emotionally affect him in the past, that's what I usually did, jokingly tease him a bit and then leave it alone. You know how you can see when someone's heart drop at bad news, or eyes light up at the sound of a desired voice? I thought he was doing it but I didn't want to be making something out of what could be my imagination so I kept ignoring it. As we talked he told me he still has feelings for her. She was the first girl he kissed 7 years ago, the first love of his life, I guess. Despite the feelings for her, he said didn't want to be with her anymore, he wants to be with me. I let him know I didn't feel it was really fair to be with me and carry feelings for someone else, and that if he needed time to get over her I wanted to be able to give it to him. I didn't know what else to do. He also 'fessed up and told me that he though of her a couple times before, usually if we were having a disagreement of some sort. He thought of her in a "what if.." scenario. What really hurts is that no matter what has happened I have not thought of anyone else to be with me in the journey of our lives. I respect his decision to be honest with me about his feelings now, though I only wish he had done so before we bought a place. He says his father's passing has encouraged him to want to be honest with me, hopefully to build a stronger relationship. I suppose better now than after we're married. At this point it's done and needs to be dealt with. I know that it took me about 4 years to get over my first love. I know that it isn't something you do, it's just something that happens over time. But I feel that our relationship today has halted and cannot continue until I know he is over her. What do I do? I am still feeling very hurt but I know he and I both want to work through this so we can get on with our life plans. Thank you all in advance.