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teacup

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Everything posted by teacup

  1. teacup
    i am haunted by the memories of abuse. the shadow of abuse. not one day goes by that i dont think about it......that i dont feel the horror and the pain. lasting scars casting shadows accross my life. not just him but all the others that have ever taken advantage of me and used or hurt me or abused me in some way because i did not know any better and did not protect myself and went along with it at great damage to myself. i know better now and i would not accept that kind of behavior or treatment. so sick of abuse.......why do human beings abuse other human beings? it is a inhumane thing to do. the memories pain me. the sadness, the pain, the hurt...i cannot forgive myself. i tear myself apart.....i am not well.... their initials as listed: k.h. z.f. s.m. d.h. m.o. j.d. s.c. j.p. t.n. b.c. l.l. d.j. c.n. j.s. m.d. t.b. g.p. a.s. n.l. b.l. s.w. j.l. l.h. c.b. a. from what i can remember. i got to a point where after all the abuse and hurt.....i started to abuse and hurt myself. to leave myself open to be treated like trash. to allow ppl to step all over me. to not protest over ill treatment. to let them do it.
  2. teacup
    he sounds like a pretty good guy because he was upfront with the seeing two girls. i think you should see how willing you are to take the risk that he may or may not choose you. are you able to handle or accept it? are you prepared? you have to ask yourself those questions. i have been getting over a bad relationship for 1 year and a half myself and i still get deathly scared a man is going to beat the hell out of me.
  3. teacup
    oh! i really like that!!
  4. teacup
    what? just because someone might be too ugly for her that means she's stuck up? mabe that means that someone's just too ugly for her and she has standards. lol.
  5. teacup
    i wouldnt want to go on a looooong car ride with someone i had a romantic interest in. and risk him seeing me all mussed up for 13 hrs in a car?! not on your life.
  6. teacup
    yeah. everyone needs a good scolding once in awhile. BUT from what you say, you imply that we are in total complete control of the relationship. that is not true. there are choices, conflicts, decisions of others that we get burned by too.
  7. teacup
    im perfectly fine. ive been sorting out all my issues and it's going great. i dont need to use them. like i said, i like them. i do not need them. i want them. but men arent everything.
  8. teacup
    but it wouldnt be good to date both right? i kind of want my cake and to eat it too. but somehow i dont think it would be good thing to do since they are pretty good friends.......can someone tell me why? i dont really understand the whys.
  9. teacup
    actually.....writing is my therapy. but i dont like writing in private journals. i rather post it. believe me.....i feel so much calmer after i write it all out.
  10. teacup
    the guy i like....or his work friend. i think im okay with the mindset. i dont want to be with him because i NEED him but because i choose to. because there are other guys, i dont care about them......he is the only one that shines in my eyes. (gawd, ive turned into a goof). now.......the bad thing. i've been bad. i've gone on two dates with his good friend from work. i made out with that guy for about an hour....and kissed him both times. no clothes off, no nakedness etc. but the kissing. the work friend is a good guy....i believe. and now.......i like THIS guy too much to do that to him anymore. i like him toooo much to go out on dates with other guys even if there is no commitment. i just cant do it anymore. so should i confess? or just drop it? i cant be seeing other guys even if they are fun or attentive or whatever....they just dont matter anymore. even if he doesnt commit.....i cant...it doesnt feel right. i just feel guilty and bad! should i tell him? o_O should i tell the work friend? (i hinted as much). who do i choose if i still have a choice? see.....the guy i like....he is cheap (calculating about money), drinks way too much (alcoholic?), probably has some buried issues, his mom is all messed up, has a dui and no car, my car got keyed near his place (so i cant drove there no more), a little uptight.....but he makes my heart, my mind....and me flutter. he is also a tiny bit boring (so cute) and 36. the other guy is generous (tells me to order whatever i want), drinks beer (but probably no problem), no college degree (just highschool g.e.d), laidback, cool, drives and has his car (he picks me up which is nice), but there's less mental, emotional connection. there's some physical chemistry (but eh) he doesnt make me fluttery. i actually feel very peaceful and secure with him...probably cuz i dont care as much. he is 25. good guy. do i go with the guy who makes my heart beat but wont treat me as well financially (he does respect me)...or the one who is nice, sweet, generous but doesnt make my heart beat so much (he's pretty respectful too)?
  11. teacup
    thanks. im getting my head straight.
  12. teacup
    i only partially agree with this post. the reason is.......most of us walk around and carry on in our daily lives as if nothing ever happened. if you saw me walking around, you wouldnt realize that anything had ever happened to me. and that is the way most of us are. we hide our pains and our secrets. the reason we are on enotalone in the first place is to find a place to vent and open and to spill all our pains, all the feelings, all the things we cant let go, we cant get out, that hurt us and wound us when we walk around like normal. this thing about not being a victim. who doesnt know this? but psychological issues take more work than a simple "get over it". it takes time, it takes ppl working through, talking about, making gradual realizations and different ppl making remarks. that is how we as human beings work. so while i might like the "dont be a victim" attitude. it just aint that simple. otherwise......there wouldnt be a need for therapists and counselors. your posting helped you right? then you must realize that other ppl's postings about whining, suffering etc......it helps them. it is not up to you to judge how much it affects them.
  13. teacup
    this guy isnt worth it. like you said, he treated you like crap. i have to tell you, there are men out there that will treat you good.
  14. teacup
    what kind of jobs or careers do young ppl my age work at????? im 25. =[ i would like to look into highly social jobs/careers. i cant stand not talking or sitting still. yeah.....my parents take money from me as payment for stuff. so im running out of money fast too. sigh. so sad. so stressed. so frustrated. so helpless.
  15. teacup
    argle bargle!!!!
  16. teacup
    can someone tell me a little about alcoholism? the guy i like drinks way too much. i dont know why he does and i dont understand it. it just seems like he has a problem. and i dont know what to say to him.
  17. teacup
    i feel so trapped in my life. nothing is happening for me. im not meeting enough new people. im not making any new friends. i still have a year of school left. i need more work experience. im tired of living with my parents (they are nagging and unhappy) but i am too weak and lonely to move out on my own. i dont respect myself or like myself. i have no direction. i have no one close to me anymore. i have been abused and have bad memories - and with that comes pessimism and skepticism about any possible hope for the future. i am miserable and these days of eating, sleeping, going to school are unfulfilling and meaningless. i have no money and my parents keep taking what little money i did save up. im tired of this place, been living here for years and year, it's dull, the environment is dull. i want to escape and get away. i feel trapped and anguished and helpless and hopeless and depressed. i kiss and makeout with men that i like (havent done this with men i dont like) in attempts to escape. but it only helps the feeling go away for a few hours. then i feel trapped again when i go back home and spend a few hours alone. im lonely. im bitter. it's going to take so long (years) for me to even rebuild my life. damn. i am a mess. i feel so trapped. i need to get out of here. i need to escape. but how? where? most of all: what do i need to escape from here? im trapped. what will it take? i'll do it....i need to get out.
  18. teacup
    thanks. i like a lot too. it seems to fit the situation. did your ex also isolate you from friends and family? i didnt make friends for the 6 years i knew him. he was trying to kick everyone out of my life and he did it too! hurts like hell........im starting all over again. abuse is vicious. i dont think anyone would understand unless they've gone through it.
  19. teacup
    bleh. i just did that like two days ago. went out with a guy to dinner. went back to his apartment. was feeling lonely and missing some other guy. btw, this guy seems really sweet, nice, good guy (i hope) and it was comforting kissing him, making out with him for about an hour. no sparks, no chemistry...i didnt really feel anything. it was fun in the moment but.......i dont know how to force feeling. it was a good moment and i enjoyed it......but that's all it was. im not excited by him but i think he's a sweet guy.
  20. teacup
    if she has no claim on him, then it's none of her business.
  21. teacup
    it sounds like just any car trip.
  22. teacup
    so strange.....how do i know if the guy i like likes me? ive been seeing him mabe once a week. he doesnt call unless we have plans. doesnt email. this is in contrast to how i see some ppl on here say they see their date everyday or he calls everyday or something. well, i think that is a bit too much.....but shouldnt it be more? what does taking it slow mean? how do i know if things are normal? i wonder if he'll call or want to see me anymore.
  23. teacup
    thanks majinbu, that was sweet! i needed to read that. well, it sounds so sordid because i just listed almost everything big i have ever done. but that is the whole list. and i certainly do not want to add anything to it. sighhhhh..........so gross. alot of times i wasnt looking for love. i was just completely screwed up in the head. i was depressed, anxious, head screwed up from abuse and a fog of confusion, believing and fighting a psychological war with him and unable to see clearly, and meeting and attracting predators. i didnt know any better and i didnt know enough to protect myself. i was naive and stupid and innocent and trusting and i got all screwed up mentally, emotionally, psychological. i was offbalance and i was unwell. i found ppl that took advantage of my state who were more than willing to use me without a second thought. i was easily overwhelmed by any small kindness or gesture because it was seemed so nice compared to the abuse that i glorified it. i didnt have any boundaries and didnt set any for myself. i didnt know any better. i was young and gauche and couldnt see other ppl's intentions. i was a mess inside and outside and i tried to use sex as a weapon or a tool to give me some control over my life. i also suffered shame and anguish over having been forced my first time and those other times when men pressured me i just caved in. caved in to the feelings and shame that i wasnt any better and that i wasnt worthy or valuable for anything except being "sexy" or having sex. it's so hard to let this all out. and i know ppl will judge me. but i have to work through my issues for myself and one of those is getting feedback by writing agonizing personal stuff like this.
  24. teacup
    i didnt show it. i just sized her up and then turned my head away and forgot about it. i've never seen him talk to a woman before. besides me. it's the first time ive felt jealousy towards another woman for a long time. it surprised me.
  25. teacup
    yes i have thought of that. i was hoping he likes me and respects me enough not to. but i just didnt want to get my hopes up too much. you know? but if that's the case.....im ecstatic!!
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