DiscipleOfChange

Way back at the beginning of the year, there was a girl in two of my classes who I was interested in. I approached her here and there and did the get to know a little about her routine. Long story short, I found out through a mutual friend that she was only looking for a friendship. We're pretty good friends now. We talk after our classes and I've begun trying to hang out with her more outside of class. What I'm trying to express here is a lesson for all those of you who get the "only friends" line somehow or another. Being friends is great and more often than not, if the girl really means it and isn't blowing you off, then a good friendship can easily result as long as you do your share. In fact, being a friend can help you in many ways because as a friend, the girl can vouch for your character and integrity and connect you to her female friends. So basically, don't get down when you find out a girl just wants to be friends. Take that opportunity and remember: many great relationships are based on a good friendship. I don't mean to say be a friend but secretly still be in love with a girl, but don't see a friendship as a dead end.

All I can say is that humans are sexual beings. I don't think it's possible never to have a sexual thought because such is the very core of our existence. If you're looking for ideas, try talking to some priests as celebecy is part of the job description and they probably could offer advice on keeping these feelings down.

Next time you go up to her and say the usual "hi, how's it goin?' try and have a brief convo with her so that you can segway into introducing yourself to her friends. Basically, after you have a brief convo with her and again, it can be very brief, turn to one of her friends and say "Oh, my name's --- I don't think we've been formally introduced." Something like that. Don't try to get her away from her friends.

I agree with many of what ShySoul's comments. Believe me man, the way you describe yourself initially (19, no gf) is like me too. I've kissed a girl, but that was just during spin the bottle and didn't mean anything. I want to mention that because I understand what you'r going through. For the longest time, I wanted my first kiss to be uber special and told myself I would hold out but I stayed and played the game because I wanted to have a kiss. Now I'm not saying I regret that choice but I did it for the wrong reasons. We can't control when we find love dude and if we let that search run our lives it'll ruin us. You need to focus on you and that will show through. Eventually, it will make the right impression on the right girl. Relaxing about it is tough but it'll come easy enough once you try it out. Believe me, you'll feel a lot better about yourself and it'll be a load off your back. And let me tell you, being friends with women is really amazing becuase it shows them what a casual awsome guy you are and they tell their friend this if your name ever gets mentioned or people ask about you.

Well Dude, If she isn't comfortable with the idea of a relationship even though she may be interested in you, then that's just a rough deal. I highly reccomend against pushing the issue. I suppose the thing to do is give her time. That may be all it takes. Another thing: while I would trust the words of a mutual friend, when it comes to a persons feelings, I'd trust their words more. MEaning that she may indeed be interested you as your mutual friend says, but it's second hand information.

Well, what sorts of things do you think you moght be doing? Maybe it might be something you'r not doing. My experience used to be that if I like a girl, I'll give it a week of chatting/flirting/ trying to hang out with her on a one-on-one basis and if she didn't reciprocate or kept having to cancel, I assumed she wasn't interested. So I guess the key thing is to make sure you're letting on that you're interested in them (assuming you really are)

What some people above have alluded to is accurate: confidence is key. So too is having your own unique sense of style and character because THAT is just as attractive as any physical feature. Every time you take a look at yourself in the mirror just tell yourself that you're awsome, you're beautiful and today's gonna rock. Once you get truly comfortable enough with yourself and start expressing that, women will notice it. This doesn't mean that those specific women will fall into your lap and become your girlfriends, but women have friends and women talk. If you put the three together, you have a pretty good thing going for you....and please don't take your younnger sisters to clubs. Women may be jealous in certain atmospheres but there's nothing wrong with a single guy.

In a way, yes. I have gone on "coffe/get to know you better/date" type things with two different girls. I think my situation is that I'm looking for something different in a relationship than most of my peers. I'm definitely not looking for some short fling or something that is based on or depends on sex. I'm looking for someone to hold, go walking with, that kind of thing.

I had a bit of an epiphany last night which I feel mad me decide to change my approach to women/relationships/that sort of thing. I realized that perhaps there was some serious truth and power in what my female friend told me about letting women come to me and just letting things happen. Of course, I'm glad I've gotten comfortable with asking girls for coffee and all that but I think it might behoove me to try another way for a while. I had avoided trying this "waiting" thing before because I thought that's what I had been doing my whole life. But I hadn't. I need to try a kind of relaxed waiting where I put myself out there and see what bites. The only that worries me is I don't wan't choosing this approach to mean my giving in and giving up on dating. I don't wan't to pass something up by not asking girl I'm interested in for coffee the second or third time I see them but instead not taking any actions at all, waiting to see if they physically emote interest in me. I know this may sound a bit garbled but does anybody understand what I'm trying to sort out in my head?

Well, it's a lesson for next time I suppose. We'll have to wait and see HAHA. No matter what happens, we're still cool and I've gotten relaxed about the process so now I can focus on refining my skills when the next opportunity presents itself.

yeah, and besides, cuddling doesn't necessarily denote interest. Especially when it's pretty freakin' cold and people just want to get warm right LOL

So tonite a bunch of us went to the movies and it was real freakin cold outside and in the car so on the ride over and the ride back the three of us in the back kind of did a huddle of sorts. On the ride to the theater, my arm was just kind of around the shoulder of this girl but on the ride back she was totally snug within my arms. She didn't seem to mind this. So I walk with her towards her dorm and put my arm around her shoulder and ask her if she wanted to go for coffee with me on Monday. she asked me what time and I told her whenever you're free. She told me that she didn't know but that she would call me. I'm not overly excited because she didn't say yes however I'm curious as to how many of you think the "I'll call you" is a nice way of saying "no" and how many of you think otherwise.

I'm sure everyone will tell you different things in replies because each person displays his or her affection in different ways. As a general rule, a person tries to be physically close to someone they're attracted to. This usually means sitting next to or closer to someone in class, walking with them to places and trying to talk to them more. Attention alone, however, does not necessarily indicate interest and from the perspective of the love-blinded person, seeing the difference is difficult. Another sign is physical contact. In our society today, people usually do not touch each other casually very much when we talk to one another. If a person seems to be making an effort to touch you, no matter how slightly, it could mean that they're interested.

I think he probably isn't calling more often because he's trying not to sound clingy or press you in. It can be very tough to know how another person feels at the initial stage, guy or girl. I think th ebiggest problem is that people in general arent forthcoming enough with their feelings. I think people play shadow games too often instead of being direct.

Yeah. Just try and talk with her more, sit next to her in class. Basically pay a little more attention to her. Maybe the next time you talk with her after you part ways, suggest getting together for coffee.

Something curious happened tonite. When I was leaving the dining hall, I passed this girl who I was interested in most recently but cancelled one me due to schoolwork twice and from whom I moved on. Some of you may remember who I'm talking about. Anyways, She said "Hi, Mark" and I said "Hi Ally" back. anyways the only thing she really asked me was had I been busy recently. I told her sort of not really depending on the perspective. Anyways, then she said that she had been really busy and then her friend came and talked to her and she went off. I can't remember if she said "bye" or not. Now, I'm not falling backwards or anything but it's just kind of strange that rather than asking me how I was or have been, she asked had I been busy and then told me that she has been really busy. We basically haven't spoken since I left the message she never returned 3 weeks ago. Thoughts?

I'm curious as to people's opinions on this. A good female friend of mine whom I talk to about women, dating etc. often tells me one thing more than any other as far as advice goes when it comes to finding love/developing a relationship. She says "let them come to you." I howver am of the belief that doing so, for me and most guys out there would be like waiting for Godot; you'd just be wasting your time. The only way you're ever going to meet someone special like that is by putting yourself out there, talking to women and doing your best to get to know them and trying to spend time with the ones you're interested in. Obviously I'm not saying it should be the driving force of your life but it doesn't seem sensical to "let them come to you" since, whether for better of for worse, the burden of courtship (in my opinion) still falls initially on the guy.

At younger ages, there seems to be more controversy over age-gap relationships, especially when one person involved is over 18. It is also not unusual for younger girls to be attracted to an older guy. I can easily see however, where this guy may be coming from. I'm sure he's flattered that oyur attracted to him, but as a 19 year-old myself, I can see why he might shy away from the idea of becoming involved with someone 3 years his junior.

For those of you curious about finding out how the speed dating study I attended went. It went pretty well. There were really only 5 guys and 6 girls that showed up. Of the girls I spoke with, I'd say I was interesed in about 4 of them. Not knocked off my feet interested but rather, interested in spending some more time to get to know them. I had a good time and who knows what will happen. If any of the girls I marked down as being interested in meeting again said the same about me, we'll get each other's contact info from the organizers.

I was just wondering what your thought on this were. A friend of mine once told me that he thought of me as a 78 year old trapped in the body of an 18 year old. At the time, i thought it was kind of funny and didn't take him too serously. I've mentioned it to others and several people have agreed with him. When I lived overseas with my parents, the only "parties" I went to were the adult get together my parents went to for work. I feel so much more mature than everyone else and many times I try to be a part of what other college kids around me are doing, it doesn't really work out. I have fun sometimes but look where I am on a Saturday night, alone in my room. Not only do I not mind getting dressed up, I enjoy it and would gladly do it every day. I refuse to drink cheap liquor or beer nor will I drink it to the point of sloppy drunkeness like so many kids my age. i just can't help but wonder if my friend was right. Maybe everything will work out fine for me once I get to the mid 20s or 30 year old crowd. I just think it would suck to wait that long

Well, it sounds like you two had a productive discussion. Maybe he just didn't want to make a move too quickly. I think it's a good sign that he said "I'll probably see you before then." The next time you two see each other, have another talk and hey, there's nothing wrong with you suggesting getting together sometime. Actually, that may make it easier for some guys, especially if they're trying to figure out how interested you are in them.

Oftentimes, there exists a healthy ammount of strife in a truly happy marriage. My parents have been happily married for a little more than 20 years now and they have the occasional quarrel. I suppose it's important to understand what kind of fights they're having. In any event, there really isn't anything you can do except tell them how bad it makes you feel when they fight. Again though, having them not releas frustrations would be worse because a healthy relationship is one in which people express their feelings, for better or for worse (to a healthy degree of course)

So basically now that I've gotten use to the idea and practice of asking and taking a girl for coffee, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm doing it just for its own sake. Let me explain a little bit more: There's this girl who I've talked with on a number of occasions in the dining hall. (This girl by the way was the one who approached me at a dance a fe weeks back and asked my name and we introduced ourselves and danced.) Anywyas, I've been batting the idea of asking her for coffee around in my head. The problem is, I don't really feel attracted to her like I have with the other girls I've asked for coffee so far. It doesn't seem like the attention I get from her when she greets me or in conversation is anymore than she seems to give her friends. I mean, she isn't unattractive she just isn't as cute as girls I'm usually interested in... ...and that's the real kicker. the thing which makes me hate myself because even though I always used the argument that looks play a big part in attraction at first and that such a fact is not necessarily a bad thing, I still dislike the fact that it applies to me as well. I do enjoy talking with her and we do see each other several times a week in the dining hall. I probably will end up asking her for coffee. I just want to make sure I'm being honest with myself and more importantly, her. what I'm trying to say is that unlike before, where my asking a girl to coffee was based on serious initial attaction on my part and was designed to be ( although at the time I always told myself otherwise) a way of trying to develop a building block to something more, this time it would be just to see what it would be like spending one-on-one time with her and i wouldn't want to get this girl's hopes up. I understand this post may appear cryptic but I don't fully understand it myself. I'd appreciate any comments you all have to offer

[PocoDiablo] said: "If things are going good, when the date ends lean in slightly for a kiss. If she leans in also, and kisses you on the lips, then go for date #2. If you get a cheek kiss, a hug, or a handshake... yup, toss her number." Umm, I think dropping a girl after meeting her only once just because she wouldn't kiss you on the lips would be a bad idea. I mean, most girls I know are still trying to figure out if they like a guy on date one and aren't necessarily planning on kissing him. In fact, making such a move could very well hurt you more than help you. You don't want to freak a girl out or make it seem like unless she's immediately into you after one meeting that you're not interested in her. Obviously every woman is different but most girls I've gotten to know and talked to about such thing in our general age group are not going to be interested in a kiss, especially when you're only meeting for coffee and the premise is getting to know one another better.

You just have to get yourself out there and meet a bunch of women. Introduce yourself, meet their friends, put yourself out there. You're bound to meet a girl who meets your preferences at somepoint but the key is to put yourself out in the field so that girls can notice you and know you exist. I think going into town with a buddy is a great idea. Don't do it to pick up girls necessarily but rather just go out and try to meet people and have a good time