venus777

you are just 14. he is being mean to you. don't blame yourself for all of this. if he is expecting something from you he can ask. sure, there are probably some lessons you can learn here about another persons feelings but it doesn't sound like he is taking your feelings into consideration either. you are both young, he is being a jerk to you. i'd say dump him or take some time off to do your own thing. tell him what you saw and how you are feeling and that you have to take care of yourself. you aren't there to just take care of him!!

to her credit, LOTS of people have online relationships. i don't think it's fair to blame her for this. the guy is messed up in some way obviously. we don't know the whole story, just this little fragment of it.

but it is weird. it doesn't really make any sense. hmmm... have you ever asked him directly what was going on? did you ever say you just want him to tell you whats up? it sounds to me like there is more to the story than he just used you...

that's horrible. crushes blind. and he called and wrote all the time. of course she thought it could be different. of course, having sex with him on the first night with him was a bad idea... i know it hurts, but DON'T just sit and blame yourself for it. He was half of the equation. And even if he IS a rock star it doesn't mean you couldn't give him the benefit of the doubt and trusted him...

oh, this is trouble. i mean, do you want to lose your friendship with your best friend? cause loving on her can only hurt it, can't possibly do anything good. and i don't think your best friend could possibly find room in his heart to understand it or try to empathize with you. the only thing you can do is get away from her and try seeing some other people, see if some space and distraction will ease it and eventually get rid of it... it may not be love as you state, but infatuation.... in that case, it'll go away. but put yourself in your friends shoes...

std's are a concern too you know, the anal tissue is really soft and tears easily. *always* have protected anal sex.

A woman with her eyes open is destined to live dismay She sees the monstrosity The lies that people live The deception people give She can not lie It scares them away She lives in the moment Of her feelings as they sway She will live her life Loving at a distance Her heart torn She is Alone

............. well, he wrote me back and said he doesn't want to lose me....

gosh, that's a really hard one. i couldn't possibly tell you what the right thing to do is. you have to go with whats right for you, whats more important to you? i don't think you can give him an ultimatum about that.

cause lady bug, you were right on...

oops too late. i just sent one. This is what I sent.

not everyone does e to it, but yes. some do.

also i'm not feeling pain and misery in the relationship. there is no yet relationship, we hadn't established exclusivity, we don't entirely know each other yet... and at this point i don't even know that we'll ever talk again. he may not want to even talk to me after everything i've done. if we have different styles, that might be the issue, but he is just being way more relaxed about things and i've been too serious. it's unbalanced. i get way too excited and blossom too quickly.... i open myself right up to people instead of being slower...

i don't know..... i hear what you are saying, but i don't think he did anything wrong really. sure he could have been more considerate, but he made it clear that if i didn't want to come over at 1 am then we could hang out the following day but i still got upset. there could be lots of reasons why he didn't invite me to hang out with his friends, he could even be just worried on how we'll interact with each other but not want to say that to me because when i do meet them it would make it more uncomfortable... i mean, honestly, if you knew that before that night he flaked out, i already EXPECTED him to flake out, you'd realize that I am actually projecting out my expectations on him. if he was anyone else, i wouldn't have even cared. but it was really because i was anxious to meet with him, excited to see him that i was so incredibly disappointed and then got upset with him. and actually, the reason i kind of expected him to flake was that we didn't have concrete plans exactly. i mean, i see that he does the same thing with everyone else. people call him and he doesn't answer. i don't think it's a personal thing, it's just how he is. in other cases, he has called me back. but i turned cold and hot on him on saturday night, that freaks people out. getting mad and then immediately calling back to apologize makes people think you are overly dramatic. truth is i could have been WAY more relaxed about something that wasn't so serious, but i wasn't. i'm the one causing myself my own pain, not him. i can't expect him to react or be the way that i would be... do you see what i'm saying? i mean, you don't have to... you could be right, but knowing my own personal history with drama and anxiety in relationships i worry about my own self...

well, i already told him all of the first paragraph. i said he was right about everything EXCEPT that i still felt that asking someone to come over at 1 am was for an established relationship not one just starting and that most people would feel like booty call. i said the last week was really emotionally draining and what he said was just like the needle that broke the camels back (not in those words exactly). i said i knew coming over was inappropriate and all of the emails and calls were too much and that i had been in hot pursuit of closure. i accepted the blame. i said i felt burnt out on things now. i can't help but wonder if that comment about closure to him might make it seem like i already want closure, but i was thinking at the time he'd understand i meant that in that moment that was what i wanted... my destructive behavior...

oh and mostly i am turning my phone off and hiding it til friday so i don't have to keep looking at it wondering if he's called me. its painful.

do you think it's a good idea to just write him something short just saying that i realize i recognize that the only one that can keep myself from feeling used is me and i shouldn't have put the responsibility on him. just like a one line email saying that? i just feel like after everything i said, maybe i should recognize that... or should i just not say anything?

yeah, it totally makes sense what you are saying. it was frustrating to me that he didn't have a clear answer about if we were going to hang out or not and then dropped me for unclear reasons. it was not knowing what was going on. yeah, i feel bad mostly cause i think i completely destroyed it and i almost want to email him and ask him, are you ever going to talk to me again? but i know that by doing that i just make it worse. that's the hardest thing, not having anything i can do, all the control being out of my hands completely. i really think he won't call me or write me again, but then when i was at his house he gave the impression he was still wanting to hang out with me, i just think i might have made it worse AFTER that by continuing to explain myself. agh. i will try and relax. i'm already feeling a little bit less pain cause work is distracting me, but it still really hurts and it's frustrating that the only thing i can do is nothing, you know? YES and its true about the self fulfilling prophecy. i've had a negative outlook since the beginning, and the control thing is really true. aaaaaagh. it's a hard thing to change. i'm just going to turn my phone off for a week and not look at it....

i wouldn't assume he's not that into you if you are continuing to hang out in that way, it sounds like the two of you have a kind of relationship that doesn't exactly fit the stereotypical kind and that's fine. but i still agree no contact is the best way to get him back if that's what you want. he's got to realize what he is missing and the only way is to not hang out with him anymore. take a deep breath, go do other things, forget about him temporarily. he will come back to you if he cares about you like he says he does...

well, i am not even sure that he wants to date me after all that. he told me my actions were making him want to run away because i seemed like i was getting upset over small things.... which he was right, i was, i was overreacting. how can he possibly trust me now that i overreacted twice and we haven't even known each other that long? we just spoke yesterday, and since then i sent him an email at 1:30 and then in the morning an email cause i realized that a text message in it had a typo making a really rude statement to him. i think after all that, he's got to be exhausted already... at this point, i think i have to just take all of your advice from everyone and not call him again or write him or do anything. i've expressed my perspective to him more than enough times that he should know what my viewpoint is on it. if he thinks i'm crazy or too dramatic or whatever, then he'll decide to move on. at the very least we probably need some a couple of days without talking after yesterday for some space. which, is it healthy to *need* space when you've only been dating for a month? i don't know. he seemed like he wanted to still hang out with me yesterday, but i am really, really doubtful he'll want to talk to me again. i really went overboard... but it was because i was feeling so crappy my actions were INTENTIONALLY making it so we wouldn't hang out again... then, i regret it afterwards like immediately. you know, mercury is in retrograde, not that it's an excuse though...

no... after that occurrence he always answered my calls or got back to me in a timely way. that happened ONCE. i don't feel like an i told you so is warranted. what you need to be looking out for is me not him. i'm gun shy, paranoid and projecting onto him my conceptions of what is going to happen before they even do. that one night, things weren't set in stone and he didn't call me back. he didn't have to either. we had only gone on one date prior to that really, we hadn't even kissed or anything, there was nothing set in stone. i'm not defending him, just aware that i've overreacted. my point about the bootie call thing though, is that we aren't in a steady relationship with trust already established. if we'd been dating as b/f g/f for a while it'd be normal and fine. but we're/were in initial stages, so a guy has to be more careful. honestly, i think he is a normal guy in the sense he wants to avoid drama and i'm bringing it. i get mad at him and then apologize a half hour later. i call him, email him, go to his house. obviously i look to him like a girl with issues. when i was at his house he reassured me he didn't want me for sex and we could just be friends and i could come over and just hang out with him. and i could tell by the sex and his shyness that he hasn't had any sex in a long time... so, honestly i think he is just being a cautious human being wary of me. i have to defend him because i was reacting to my own fears at that time, the same way i was reacting to my fears yesterday. honestly, i KNEW he'd eventually call me back, i just wanted to talk to him IMMEDIATELY and just couldn't wait. that wasn't fair to him. needless to say, i DO feel I've messed up something that could have been good.

i think i already blew it, i don't think i can ask "where is this going?" i think he would have made some attempt to reassure me if he wanted to be with me. i think he would have tried to call me right away the following morning if he cared, given that i told him i felt bad and had a nightmare about him. even if he wasn't ready to talk, he could have sent me a short email saying he needed to think about things, just to relieve some pressure off of me. i feel like it was kind of cruel to ignore me, especially given that we just had sex for the first time together on monday... i don't know, there is nothing i can do at this point except wait and see if he ever does call me again to hang out. i feel tired and exhausted emotionally after yesterday. i sent him an email late last night saying i just wanted him to see how in initial phases of a relationship a man has to make the extra efforts to prove to a woman that he values her as an individual and not just as a body and that i felt like a lot of people would feel it booty call if they were called to come over at 1 am, even if that was not his intention. Especially since he didn't invite me to hang out with his friends at all, but just afterwards, like I'm just supposed to leave the party, go home and just wait for him to be ready for me to come over. ??? That sounds crazy. Like I'm just a lapdog or something. I didn't call him purposefully while he was with his friends... We were talking on the phone while he was at his house and apparently he must have started hanging out with his friends before I called him the second time but there was no way for me to know. I don't know it just hurts really bad. It started to feel like it was going well, and then I do feel like I overreacted and couldn't restrain myself from trying to get an answer out of him about what was going on... I feel like I spoiled it.

So this guy I've been dating for the last month, we had sex for the first time on Monday. He called me a couple of times the following day while hanging out with his friends, we made nebulous plans for Saturday night. I posted about this the other day, what I didn't mention was the crucial part. I was at a party and we were calling each other about hanging out afterwards and right as I was about to go to his house he called me back and said he was going to hang out with his friends and could I come afterwards. It was already midnight. This made me upset. I said, why don't we x out tonight. He said could he call me tomorrow, I said I guess. Then we hung up, I was mad. I called him back and said "i don't want to be this girl you just **** when it's convenient. He said, o.k. it's not how it is, but o.k. and we hung up. I called him back, he didn't answer I left him a message, he called me back and said he was insulted I would say that. I explained that I'm trying to be protective of myself because I'd been used before. So... he said he'd call me that night, after hanging out with his friends, but he did not call me and I woke up in the middle of the night having a nightmare about him. I then called him and left a message just saying I felt bad and wanted to talk with him. And I sent him an email, it was nice, just apologizing and saying that I just didn't want to get hurt. He didn't call me back all day. And by 4:30 that night I was hurting bad. I called him, left a message saying I was hoping we'd get a chance to talk. He didnt call back. I called him back from a different phone an hour or so later (by a friends suggestion) and he answered and said he'd call me in an hour. Two hours later, he hadnt called me. I called him, he didn't answer. I then decided to go to his house. He said he didn't understand why I came unnannounced, that not even his homies do that. And I said, it was because I'd had a really emotionally draining week prior to that at work and I just couldn't be left hanging on this for any longer, I wanted to have a relaxing weekend and this was stressful. He said that it seemed like if I was going to react like this to small things then how would I react when something really important happened. It seemed like he just wouldn't acknowledge however my main point. He was treating me like booty call. He said he wasn't using me for sex and that's not what he is about. And that was it, but I was left feeling like I was just crazy. Agh, I mean I guess I just feel bad cause if I'd had more self control he would have eventually called me and we could have talked, but now I've completely DESTROYED it by my pure embardment of him. Is there any chance that if I withdraw he won't think I'm crazy, or have I destroyed all hope of anything???? Agh, I mean, I guess I shouldn't care cause if he really cared about me he would have called right???

i don't think i'll have a chance to give him a chance. he might not want to try with me now... i wrote him an email after my nightmare and called him and he has not attempted to call me back...

I just woke up from a nightmare in which he said he didn't want to talk to me anymore, it was based at work where I've been under incredible amounts of stress lately, so I'm realizing it's combined stress, I think I've also been concerned because I've had issues with a couple of people at work that I have personality flaws that might prevent me from being able to be a whole half of a relationship, that he might not be able to like me because of my flaws. Funny, when all that was happening at work, I was also thinking about him, thinking, does this mean I will mess this up? Definitely I'm projecting my fears out there, thus creating the worst possible scenario. He said he was going to call but he didn't, I don't know if it's just cause he got back too late from going out with his friends or if it was cause he changed his mind. But I'm sure I'll have another chance to talk with him. I mean, knowing that I want to work on this, I guess that's all I can do, and hope he can be patient with me, but it might be too much for him... I mean that guy who used me I wouldn't even call him a boyfriend, it was someone who didn't mean much to me because he never let me get close to him. So I didn't feel sad about it per say, sort of hurt, but mostly just didn't want to put myself in the same kind of position cause there had been glaring warning signs of a bad situation and I didn't pay attention to them. It's the thing about trying to be smart, but then overthinking things too much I guess.