venus777

He knows... I brought it up last night; we had a nice evening together but then I started to feel bad about it... and told him how I knew it was wrong and controlling and that it really bothered me and that I wanted to go home (mostly to sit and just feel bad about it, really). And he said, no that we could have a good time. I know that he loves me, or else he wouldn't have tolerated it at all. It just really scares me. I don't know what to ask him to do to help, you know? There isn't anything he can do, it's all me in my own mind. It kind of scares me because my dad was really controlling. He even stood outside of my mom's confessional when she was confessing and eavesdropped. I haven't done that, but basically, how is what I've done reallyreally all that different, you know? It's such an emotional reaction, it's not even rational, but my emotions somehow make me rationalize a scenario, paranoia and it's like I'm not even there, just these feelings and I move in autopilot... It's so sad... I've had nightmares of feeling guilty, and the basic gist is that I feel horrible about it.

Hi- I am currently with a boyfriend and we love each other a lot. We hang out practically every day. We've been dating since mid-January and it's good. The last boyfriend I had- we broke up mostly because we just couldn't learn how to get along; but I'm very ashamed that I was really depressed for a lot of it. We moved to the east coast in August of 2003 and I got really depressed by October, which pretty much lasted til we broke up til mid-June of 2004. I got pretty suicidal by the end, and honestly I think I couldn't imagine living without him; also I generally couldn't understand why I couldn't "make" the relationship work and felt mostly to blame. I got depressed a lot, and whenever my ex tried to bring up problems, I'd feel even worse and blame myself and my ex felt like I was manipulating him cause whenever he'd talk to me I'd get really sad and practically suicidal. Oh, I feel so bad about the things I did. I read through his email, I looked through his phone bills to see who he was calling; at one point in the middle of the night after an argument when he laid on the floor instead of the bed, cutting me off, I laid down next to him naked and he got really angry. That's probably the thing I feel the worst about. So, getting into the current relationship, I haven't told him everything I did, because I'm trying to leave that behind me and not repeat previous behaviors. But I notice when little things come up, these emotional reactions that were similar, almost habits that I developed in my rocky tumultous relationship with my ex. Including some paranoia, fear of him leaving me... He lives right next door to me and the other night we planned to hang out (tentatively). He did not answer the phone when I called. From my living room I can see into his kitchen and I watched him leave his room, get something from the fridge and go back to his room. I felt terrible; like whywhywhy doesn't he call me back? I called him four times total that night and the following day, yesterday, he said he thought my actions were really controlling and he doesn't like it. He was gentle and loving and kind about it, and looking back on it I can't believe I did that. I mean, it's totally crazy. I feel like I need help desperately as I want more than anything to have a healthy relationship and never repeat the level of paranoia and snoopiness I had with my ex! It's absolutely shameful to me! And I feel horrible about it. I love him very much. Has anyone else experienced anything like this and overcome it? If so, please share your stories. I feel like my actions were practically stalker-like and that really worries me a LOT!!!

Don't be so hard on yourself... I'm hear for a similar reason I guess. I have the same feelings sometimes, though my break up with someone else over it really kind of grounded me in a way. But I do panic over things like you do. I'm not sure what other people's advice is, but what I think is that you should do stuff for yourself. Usually, I notice I get more upset when I sacrifice myself for him... anotherwards, I don't do something I really want to do because I want to hang out with him. This creates a dependency I think; like if he doesn't then follow through with my expectations of him, I then feel more hurt and upset and angry, when really I shouldn't have had so many expectations (if any at all) of him... I would say, be good to yourself, take a deep breath, go for a walk or a run, do something you enjoy and realize that even if things did end that life would go on and everything would be o.k. If you realize that and really know that, I think that some of that fear would go away... plus, it would give you peace of mind hopefully...