Andrina

There is, of course, an emotional/psychological change from going to living apart to being married and cohabiting. I think it's really important to get a year or two in as a married couple before bringing a child into the world. Think of it as building a solid foundation that will withstand the major changes and challenges a young one will add to the household. Though children are a blessing and a joy, they also bring stress. One parent might not like how the other parent handles parenting duties. Sometimes a child has colic and cries a lot, or isn't a good sleeper, etc., and that brings exhaustion and stress. It's beneficial if a couple has some time as a couple for a time because when a baby comes along, so much time and attention must be devoted to the child and sometimes one of the parents feels neglected. When you have first built a loving partnership, these issues can be better solved than if you hadn't put in that buffer. And I second a less expensive wedding than what perhaps your friends have been doing, or what you think is necessary but is not. I have a relative who got married, just she and her spouse, in the Caribbean. A few weeks after they returned, they had a reception, in full wedding gear with a DJ and potluck food and a purchased buffet, in a church hall. In those 2 years, put a bit of money in a separate account slated for maternity leave expenses. Every little bit will add up, and you can feel proactive. Write down your biggest stressors and next to them, write a list of solutions, even if you don't think you'll use the solution. You have time to peruse and think outside of the box. When another relative got married, I thought that spent good money on the wrong things. Instead of a professional photographer, their friend said he'd take photos. Big mistake. Instead of having a DJ or band, they spent money lining the pews with elaborate flower arrangements. It was a twenty minute service with a boring 2 hour barbecue in a back yard with zero music. One of the worst weddings I've been to. Anyway, good luck and keep us in the loop.

Early dating is for vetting. If you're upset more often than satisfied, then you end things so you can be single and available to date someone else who might be a better match. It doesn't matter what a person does in the beginning. You can't return to the heady highs of a relationship's beginning. If you don't like what's going on in the present and communication hasn't helped, why not move on? Nobody has a video camera set up to spy on her to know if she's texting someone else.

Can we get a bigger picture of your life? Do you two hang out with other couples or a circle of friends? Do you each hang out with your own friends apart from one another? Do you engage in hobbies together or separately? What is your involvement with extended family? Do you match in major ways such as: sex, money, etc.? Have either of you asked for improvements in certain areas? While waiting for counseling, perhaps shake up the normal routine and try some activities you two normally don't engage in. I'm sorry for this hard time you're enduring and hope things turn out the way you wish.

Observing others, and with my own experience, there will be many friendships that go by the wayside, with very few who end up being lifetime buddies. That's okay. That's normal. It's also normal to miss a person, even if it's best you no longer communicate. When the bad overrides the good, and especially when the bad is, or should be, dealbreaker behavior, then feel good you're making the right decision on parting ways.

Sorry, but it won't be in your best interest to keep him as a friend. It won't be fair to a new partner that you stay in contact with an ex. He's been your only serious bf, so you don't know any better, or are now finally having a sort of epiphany. Please let yourself be single for a good year. You need to learn who you are as a solo person to be ready to enter into a relationship again. If you don't give yourself that time and build your self-worth, you will repeat the same toxic pattern of accepting men who treat you so poorly. I wouldn't even waste money on a vacation with him. A new year's around the corner, so it's a great time to start fresh without Mr. Wrong.

When you become serious with a partner, there needs to be accommodations made that are conducive to a mature, healthy relationship. I know my leisure-time activities changed with friends once I met my future husband. I'd never risk the success of my relationship whereas I'd leave room for him doubting me. It's not controlling to expect a partner to behave in the best interest of the primary relationship. Sometimes things can be fixed with communication. But you've already tried that. Though he's a lot older, you seem to be the more mature person in the relationship, though with your age, you lack major dating experience. In this case, realize he doesn't care enough about you to make the needed changes about how he handles things with opposite sex friends. Please think long and hard about how, in an ideal relationship, your partner would act as far as opposite sex friends go. Instead of expecting him to change in a major way, it's better to make an exit so you're free to eventually find someone who matches you in your views about this. It's really not an anything goes sort of thing with friendships. There should be boundaries discussed BEFORE becoming exclusive, and if you don't match, make a quick exit before you fall in love. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

When your relationship isn't that solid to begin with, and she hasn't even spoken to her "friend" in years and done just fine, I find the reconnection to be a big red flag. She cares more about some "spark" or attention or ego boost by connecting with this other guy than making you upset. She doesn't seem like a prized partner to me. It's no wonder she has failed to ever have a serious bf before you because her behavior from the get-go would drive off any self-respecting guy.

Anything other than the normal pace of dating, i.e, going slow, going fast, friends first, is not in anybody's best interest. The person has issues who doesn't want to date at a normal pace. Why date someone with issues, when there are women who don't have them? Only date women who share your dating goals/style. Don't make exceptions for alternative nonsense like this even if the woman is pretty.

Wow. Both 31 and with so little relationship histories. Getting married right now would be the last thing you should do, even if you care for one another. Being rushed for any reason isn't optimum for making wise decisions. In your case, I wouldn't even begin to think about marriage until you're living locally and see if it can last at least a good 3 years. Because you two need to know that you're both capable of long term, since neither of you have a track record in that area. I've known a person whose biological clock was ticking and rushed into getting pregnant by someone she barely knew. That ended in a disastrous relationship, and the poor child suffered with all the drama. The mother got what she wanted--a child, but I felt sorry for what the child had to suffer through, with her father, for the most part, abandoning her. What does this woman do for a living that she thinks she can live in your area half the time and then move back to her own digs? Is she babyish, like relies on other people a lot, lacks confidence, is self-isolating besides family time? Why do you think she never had a serious boyfriend? You're going to have to permanently close the distance soon to find out if this relationship really has legs when it's no longer an LDR. If you two can't agree on that with neither feeling resentful, this isn't going to work.

How many visits have you had with each other? I was just wondering how well you know her as an adult. You don't want to assume what you knew of her when you were teens hasn't changed since then. There are plenty of kids I grew up with and enjoyed back then who I don't want anything to do with now that we're adults. What you see is what you get. Don't expect this to change, even if you move her way. I wouldn't like this over-involvement with family from my partner. Where to live is one of those major things a couple has to agree upon, just like whether or not to have kids, which religion if any they will be raised, etc., sexual compatibility, and shared life goals and ethics. I never suggest marrying until you've had some time dating locally, and that doesn't even mean living together. It's smarter after an LDR starts that way to rent separately while in the same town. Because going from barely seeing each other to being together 24/7 can prove disastrous. You can't really see the total reality of a person until being around them locally at least a good 6 months. If you two can't agree on closing the distance because one of you will be resenting that, it's not going to work out. What's her dating history been like? What's the longest relationship you've had?

If you can't have conversations about problems, then you can't resolve those problems, so your relationship is dead in the water. People who care stick around to resolve problems and wait for improvements. I guess you didn't resolve them on her personal deadline, or she no longer cares if you improved and bailed without breaking up, thinking there will be less drama and she will be far away and when reality hits that it's a breakup, she can block and delete. Though you love her, realize when she won't engage in a discussion when you have a problem with her behavior, this is a puzzle with missing pieces that can never be solved.

You're young and will make mistakes in dating, but please make note of those mistakes or you are bound to repeat them. She came with a warning label that she voiced. Next time a woman does this, no matter how pretty or engaging her personality, make an immediate exit. She knew herself better than you, so you should have listened. She gave you that warning to ease a bit of guilt for herself when she knew exactly what would happen. She used you for a time that suited her, and then she left and spouted what anybody could have predicted: Told you so. White knights might feel good for a time, but then when everything falls apart, the knight just hurts himself. Mentally healthy partners don't need a white knight. She needs a normal man who will make her a priority and treat her right, while she makes the same effort toward her man. Block and delete. Eventually you can heal and move on and love someone who is a decent partner.

He verbally abused you by calling you names. He abused you by punishing you with the silent treatment. He was self-centered by the activities revolving around him and his people only. That's what you wrote so I'm not getting how that isn't insight for you to have figured out on your own. The right person eases your troubles and makes you feel like a priority.

Why did your gf move away and how far are you two? How often will you see each other? Her being the sole center of your universe is smothering to a person. Usually people are drawn to a partner who can expand their world instead of minimize it. What do you do to expand her world? It's in your best interest to form friendships for both your happiness and your partners. Because it gets boring to just do outing as a couple. Many couples like to double date and do group activities with friends. Doing this should also make you less anxious about your relationship because even if a breakup happens, you still have a support system of friends to get together with. The right mindset is to already have a fulfilling life and want to add a romantic companion to share your joy with, versus a partner being the sole reason for your happiness. Good luck on making goals and those improvements.

Put a positive spin on it and think of it as proof that you're compiling with detailed notes of how you should be the primary custodial parent with her paying you custody. Think of yourself as an actor/spy with her being dumb to the fact she's digging herself deeper into a hole.

Probably because you had sex, making you want to bond with a man because of the hormones released when you have sex with him, you're more invested in this than you should be. If you'd met for the two hours without sex, you'd probably have blocked him after finding out his lies and that he has no plans to regularly meet up with you as someone available and interested would be. You're not dating safely nor wisely. Read some books on achieving a better self-worth. Keep the first meet at no longer than 2 hours without intimacy. Think of dating as a marathon versus a sprint. If you're goal is to have a serious, longterm relationship, keep at minimum the first 3 or 4 dates in public without intimacy. Have a wait and see attitude, and if you see any dealbreakers or the guy isn't putting in the expected effort, bail. The right guy will be patient about being intimate, and he will be wanting to get to know all about you. The gift of your body should be a precious thing, not tossed like a bone to any dog.

He didn't take things too far in your opinion because you stuck around for more abuse. Your words don't match your inaction at that point. You have a lot more work to do on your self-love or your next bf will likely be a repeat of the two exes. You're not causing them to be abusive. You're attracting and accepting abusers who see you as easy prey who will, for a time anyway, stay with their sorry souls. Make a list of must-haves and dealbreakers and stick to it this time. There are no second chances for dealbreakers and major problems. Learn the difference between major and minor problems. Minor problems can be resolved with constructive discussions. Don't stick around for people with toxic, major problems. Stay alone for a while while you read about boosting your self-worth, before you date again. For now, closure will eventually come when you block his number, delete it plus delete him on social media. Put a limit on venting about him to friends. After a few weeks, his name should no longer pass through your lips. Insight into his behavior is irrelevant. He's in your rear view mirror, so who cares?

Speaking for myself, I wouldn't use a man whom I no longer loved. I'd make a clean break and sort out everything legally. That's what a decent woman does. I don't know what you mean by not helping at all. You have to make sure the children are receiving the hands on support from both parents and are taken care of to the fullest extent, and are made the priority during this stressful time. You have to ensure they are in a healthy environment with the parents being mature and pleasant toward one another while co-parenting. It's the right thing to do after bringing new lives into the world who didn't ask to be born.

Though I had some men lying about their age and posting older photos only on OLD, I will share one very sweet memory I have of OLD. I always made it clear I only dated locally, but decided it'd be fun to have one phone call with a Hawaiian man who chatted me up, since the phone call would be free and I'd never met someone of that culture before. He put it on speaker phone, played his ukelele, and sang a song called The Happy Song. It was so beautiful.

Sometimes people are embarrassed to bring up sexual problems to a doctor, even if it could possibly help to make things so much better in that area. Perhaps speak to him about if he's ever considered getting medication like Viagra, and listen to what he says. If he shuts down the conversation, and doesn't care how you're frustrated, perhaps reconsider if this is the man for you.

This is likely the reason she hasn't suggested divorce. She might have spoken to an attorney or to others in the know, and has found out that she, as the breadwinner, will be the bigger loser financially with a split. You might be eligible for alimony and she probably knows she's the one who will be having to pay you custody payments. The other poster was correct in that you should not leave the family home. Begin mentally separating yourself from her and tell her the new rule is that you two only speak about your child as co-parents, and that there will be no more talk of feelings between each other and those sorts of things. Of course, you might first want to wait to do this until after you privately speak to an attorney, and separate your credit card and bank accounts. Luckily for you, judges are usually intelligent about reading between the lines and seeing past BS when deciding which parent should have primary custody. Good luck.

It's probably the case that even though you're blood related, there's a lack of past history, so those levels of a built-up bond never happened. Perhaps if you lived near to one another, it'd be like having a new friend that you'd be seeing regularly, and building a bond in that way. But for some, an occasional e-mail, etc., doesn't do anything to make them feel connected, and they prefer to put their efforts into loved ones locally. It's one-sided, so I'd match her efforts, which are minimal. Take care.

You have to think about the way you're setting up your life and if it's conducive to the goals you're trying to achieve. I don't know if you're okay with dating guys who keep friends around who've they've slept with in the past. If that's okay with you, then being friends with an ex-lover will be okay since you will be dating likeminded guys. Just know that makes your dating pool smaller since there are guys who wouldn't be comfortable dating you if you wind up becoming buddies with this guy. For all intents and purposes, he is a stranger so I would only meet with him in public places, avoiding weekend vacations and spending time in one another's homes until you feel secure his intentions don't involve knocking boots.

What does this mean? Why are you moving? As you can see, elderly people need help so why is he moving away from grown sons who will one day be able to help with him and grandchildren who might be able to help you out?

This is doormat behavior. You are shoving your own wants under the mat in fear of losing someone who's always just out of your grasp. Not that my self-esteem was always the best when I was in the dating world, but I did do some things right. When I saw that my dating style and dating goals didn't match someone I'd begun seeing, I walked away. There was someone who wouldn't be able to date as often as I wished because of the particular custody schedule he had with his very young son, so I didn't even venture to date him. Another took a really long time to decide to be exclusive with anyone while he multi-dated, so I took a pass on that. You have to know your standards and what you're comfortable with and stick with those standards. I don't care how attractive the person is. I held out for a guy who did have the amount of time I wanted for dating, and we matched in all major ways. Tell a person what you want and if she is not on board, it's best to know now before investing more time in Ms. Wrong.