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  1. So I'm 36 and I know this woman who is also 36. I first met her about 11 years ago and I was friends with her but not exactly close/best friend and not long. At the time she was best friends and later lived with this guy I was seeing that I was really in love with but he was just using me. I was seeing him on and off for a couple of years and friends with this woman R for the same amount of time back in 2010-2011. When I completely cut the guy off I actually also cut her off because she was his best friend and also lived with him and I really needed to move on from him. I found her a bit annoying at times but she did tell me that she has a learning disability. I didn't speak to R in any shape or form for a few years after that. Then at some point I stalked her social media and realised she was not friends on social media with that guy anymore. I reached out and asked her if she was friends with him and she said he was a jerk narcissist and she'd ended the friendship and had nothing to do with him. So I added her back to social media a few years ago but we pretty much never talked much except commenting on each other's Facebook posts occasionally. I'm pretty sure that in person we only hung out only once. She's nice but socially unaware and just talks over me so I wasn't really that keen to hang out much or anything. I don't actually have any problem with her though and was happy to be acquaintances and talk or meet occasionally sort of thing. R is getting married in a couple of weeks and ages ago she did invite me to her wedding ceremony, but not to her actual wedding. I didn't actually mind because we're not close at all so it's totally understandable. If I was free I was (and am) going to attend the wedding ceremony. A few weeks ago R invited me to her hens' night/bachelorette party. I thought that was nice of her and RSVP'd on Facebook as going. I was just being silly and posted in the event asking: "Is there any kind of dress code? Will there be penis things?" One of R's bridesmaid's, let's call her Cat, replied nicely that penis straws are OK but nothing over the top. Then a couple of weeks later, R private messaged me on Facebook and she asked could I help the bridesmaids plan her hens night? She has only two bridesmaids and one of them is actually in another state. She is locked in her state due to very high COVID there and borders out of her state are closed. She can't attend the hens night and possibly not even the wedding. This is the one called Cat* who does seem nice just from her online communication. R added me to the group chat with her and her two bridesmaids. The other bridesmaid, let's call her Viv, is R's best friend but I've never met her before. This was already two weeks after I'd made that post asking about the dress code. Viv commented on it and was being quite rude. She wrote something like: "R does NOT WANT anything penis or men, she wants this to be tasteful. Please respect that." Or something along those lines. Then she private messaged me on Facebook and was like: "R is upset because I suggested going to Magic Mike male stripper show and it triggered a panic attack in her because of something bad in her past. I already overstepped so we don't want anything like what you were saying." I thought she was incredibly rude because my post was old and I had no idea about what they were talking about in that group chat like Magic Mike or whatever because I hadn't even been added to that Facebook chat until much later. I just apologised and said I didn't know all that and also deleted my post from the event and apologised in the group chat. Then the bridesmaid called Cat actually said in the chat that yes R wants penis straws and can I get penis straws. R confirmed this in the chat. So the two bridesmaids were saying totally different things! Then Cat asked me can I be in charge of decorations. I suggested I buy cute headbands for the guests like cat ears, devil horns and so on. They said yes that's great and that I need to buy for 15 people. Then Cat later asked me can I buy a balloon bouquet! R said yes I want one. Cat did say something like: "Thank you so much girls, you are amazing, I'm really sorry I can't be there." So OK she actually sounds nice and appreciative. However what I'm really angry about is that Viv was so rude to me for basically no reason and went off at me even though it was HER that said about Magic Mike male strippers. Also R and I are not close at all and I feel like she's just using me to help plan the hens because her other bridesmaid can't actually come. I'm not even invited to the wedding! Also in the chat it looked like Viv is only just booking a restaurant and an arcade game bar. It didn't look like she's buying anything for the hens. But I understand as a bridesmaid she probably spent money on her bridesmaid dress and other expenses but that's not actually my problem. Anyway I guess I'm just mainly venting. I'm trying not to be mad and to look at it from the perspective that I've been invited to the hens and wedding ceremony and it's nice to be included like that. Also maybe it's some kind of honour to be asked to help? The reason why I don't feel good about all this is because we're not close at all. If it was a close friend and I was invited to the wedding I'd spend all that money and more. It's actually not about the money but it's the fact this whole situation is weird and frustrating.
  2. I've posted about K and her boyfriend before (the charming fellow that sexually assaulted me and cheated on her). They're still together. She refuses to leave him and he's basically a hoarder and she's become one too. They both have mental health issues but before they were together her apartment was always so nice. Now there are dirty dishes all over the floor, boxes, trash, and who knows what. I don't even want to wash my hands there because the sink is covered in slime. I want to take her by the shoulders and shake her, and tell her to get out. This girl is family, and she's my rock, and it kills me that she is so unhappy but afraid to leave. She's gained so much weight and makes jokes about depression but doesn't want to see a mental health specialist. I know everyone's first instinct is to say "cut her loose!" but I care about her too much. Does anyone have any ideas on how to tactfully approach the whole mess? I want her to see reason. She says she is happy with her boyfriend but by every visible standard it sure doesn't seem true.
  3. I wish I was pretty. At school all my friends are drop dead gorgeous. Everyone has changed their look coming back prettier than ever, while I have looked the same for basically all my life. Sometimes my friends say that I'm pretty when I self-doubt myself. But I don't think it's true. Every morning I look into the mirror and see all the things wrong with my face. My face is too long, my nose has a huge bump on it, my eyes are to far apart, I have too much acne. I hate everything about it. My cousin is extremely pretty and I always wish I looked like her. My sister is so pretty and always gets compliments. I'm a person who always preaches self love and confidence when I actually have none. I'm always wearing a sweater even on the hottest summer days because I dislike the way my arms look. I want to pretty like the others. I wish I had enough confidence to post on instagram. I wish I didn't always delete every photo I took of myself.
  4. It's a regular friday night and I feel like venting so here we go! At school I'm quite sociable. I talk to many people and have a large amount of friends. Even to my acquaintances I'll wave and talk to them if they're lonely and will always include them in conversations but no one seems to do the same for me. When the teacher says to partner up, no one comes up to me first and I end up being picked if there's no one else left. When I had recess back in elementary school I'd always walk around so people could think I wasn't lonely. I only got asked to play with people a handful of times. I never got asked to have a playdate with my other classmates and the last time I got invited to a birthday party was 4 years ago. Not to mention that my last birthday party was in second grade and I don't know who to invite because I'm not sure anyone will show up. I always wear a bright smile on my face and am constantly giggling only so people don't become suspicious. I see my friends posting photos of each other hanging out, talking about how fun they had. I'm not desperate to hang out, but it'd be nice to get a invitation once in a while. One instance of this is when all my friends gathered at a park a block away from house but didn't invite me-they know I live right by the park, but still I was left out. Another thing is that people rarely text me. They only text me for "streaks" or homework help. When I do text people they'll leave me on delivered for hours. I try to make conversation and will always let people talk about their interests to me. I have friends, I know I do. But realising how I've never hung out with someone outside of school makes me contemplate that. Even my whole family has a running joke that I have no friends. I'm not quite sure what to think, any help or if you have a similar experience and have tips on what to do would mean a lot to me.
  5. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice as such, but any advice or comments are very welcome. I guess I just like writing here to get things off my chest. So it's now been about a month since I ended my friendship with Rachael* and I've been spending a lot more time on my own. It's really weird but I am actually missing Rachael's friendship because the past 1-1.5 years we talked a lot and hung out reasonably often. But that was actually how long I was friends with her overall and just in that short time there were a lot of issues. I won't discuss that part of it anymore because I do have other posts about it that I made. I'm feeling sad and alone as of late and really starting to feel like I'm sort of drifting from some of my friends. I don't think it's for any particular reason but I guess it's just what can happen in life. Especially as you get older. I'm feeling really sad because my friendships with my two best friends, Belinda* and Sally* have changed/are changing and it's just a bit hard to come to terms with I guess. I'm 36 years old and Sally is 37. We've known each other since I was 19. We met at work and for probably about 5 years we were best friends and inseparable. Granted we were very young, but we went out together a lot. We would go out everywhere - to the movies, cafes, shopping, clubbing, parties. We stayed at each other's houses a lot. We just got along so well and could talk about anything. When Sally was 24, she met her husband on online dating. Gradually as she got more serious with him, naturally she didn't spend as much time with me. In 2012 she got married and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding. Eventually she had two kids. We have still been best friends all that time and our connection is still the same. So what I mean is, when we see each other things don't feel any different. We talk regularly and see each other maybe once a month or less. But since Sally has been with her husband (13 years), we just haven't been as inseparable. Back in 2011 I met my other best friend, Belinda. Same thing, we were completely inseparable and actually dubbed "The Siamese Twins". Because where one of us went, so did the other. Belinda and I had so many fun adventures together and I guess she wanted to go out a lot more because she was actually quite a bit younger than Sally. When we met I was 26 and Belinda was 20-21. Over the last 10+ years we've had so many adventures together! We also have A LOT in common, so we didn't just do the typical things like go to cafes and go clubbing. We are both bisexual and we went to a lot of GLBTIQ events. We also both really love dressing up in costumes and going to costume parties. Belinda and I basically talked every day and hung out once or twice a week on an ongoing basis for ten years. We had also been on a few fun interstate trips together. We'd usually talk on the phone for 2-3 hours, but sometimes it'd be more like 4-6 hours! A year ago Belinda met her boyfriend on online dating. They're in love with each other and they're very serious and going to move in together soon. Now I want to say very honestly that I'm not actually jealous or bitter about my best female friends having a boyfriend or a husband. I just miss them, that's all. I still hear from Belinda and still see her, but it's just not the same. Now I just don't hear from her as much and I only see her maybe once a fortnight. She does contact me first, but it's more me contacting her and me initiating to catch up. I have two close male friends also. One of them is gay and we have a bit of a big age gap. He's 29 and he still lives at home with his parents. I met him at community college and we were really close to the point where people wondered if we were actually dating. Unfortunately as the years went on I began to feel like I'm starting to drift from him a bit. I'm 7 years older but also I don't feel like he's very mature for his age. After our mental health course at community college, I got work in that field. I've been working for eight years in the field and I've been living out of home for 13 years. My friend has ADHD and he has really bad issues with time management. Every time we catch up, he's 1+ hours late and doesn't even let me know. Plus in other ways I feel like he's still exactly the same as in community college. Back then he was 18, living at home and no proper job. He's still in exactly the same place now and basically has been all that time. My other close male friend Henry is a really nice, sweet and chill guy who has no bad bone in his body. He's 37. He adores me. We initially dated 6 years ago but I didn't have real feelings for him and also he's polyamorous and I'm not. I know he felt really strongly about me, he told me that. He reaches out to me all the time and he's very loyal. I feel bad because I do like him as a friend but I actually have always felt that conversation with him is lacking. He's a very quiet and introverted sort of guy. Some of our friends and other people wondered if he's mildly on the autism spectrum. He's a serious person who doesn't laugh much and he never understands any of my jokes. My jokes are largely sarcastic lol For these reasons I've found it hard all these years to truly connect with him. I care about him a lot but our conversations are quite generic, which is mostly on his part. Recently I tried to make a new female friend from a Meetup group. I went out for dinner and to see some stand-up comedy with a 29-year-old woman that I met at a Meetup group two years ago. She's only been in my city for four years (came from interstate). We have a little bit in common but mainly during our catch up I was feeling like I'm really not connecting with her. She's uneducated and kind of bogan (redneck). We hung out for five hours and she spent the whole time just talking about herself and actually didn't let me speak at all really. She was drinking alcohol the whole time though but I wasn't because I was driving. Afterwards she actually messaged me saying that she had a really nice time with me and she's lucky to have me as a friend. She actually acknowledged that she only talked about herself and sort of apologised. I thought that maybe I could give her another chance, but now I'm really not sure. She did say to me during our catch up that she has issues with her Mum. She still lives with her parents and she said when she had a falling out with her Mum, she was staying at a hotel. She said she also lost her job but she wouldn't talk about why or what happened. Anyway, she messaged me today asking can she stay at my place on the couch because her and her Mum had another blow up. I know she has depression and she said her Mum has bipolar disorder. I said I was really sorry but I don't have a couch coz my ex took it. Also that my front door can only be locked with a key and I have only one set of keys. Both of these things are actually completely true, I didn't lie at all. But the main reason is that I have met this girl only twice in my life and the first time I didn't even talk to her much. She said she would pay me for staying with me but how could she pay if she doesn't have a job? Anyway, after I said no she just didn't reply. So once again I feel like this girl has a lot of issues and she was also just trying to use me for a free place to stay. I guess I'm just feeling so lost... I'm 36 years old...Do I actually have a chance still to make genuine, real close friends? Or is it too late? If I don't find a partner anytime soon then will I just be that single "spinster" all on my own?
  6. My best friend (23, F) of 3 years blocked me on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram, and even Tiktok. Let’s call her Abby. Abby blocked my fiancé and our other best friend , Natalie, as well. This occurred a couple days ago on Tuesday night. However, I found out the next day when I tried to send her a message on Snapchat. And it stated I needed to add her, then her thread disappeared (indicating she blocked me). However, before I realized she blocked us, she sent our friend group chat a message apologizing for not replying back to us and that she had a horrible breakdown the night before. Including that she cut everyone off but that she was “back and good now.” My other friend (Natalie) and I replied back letting her know to not worry, take care, and that we loved her. But she never apologized or mentioned the reason for blocking us. Yesterday, she unblocked us and requested to follow us back, only on Snapchat and Instagram. I did notice she unblocked me on Twitter and Tiktok but didn’t try following me back. I assume maybe she doesn’t want me to see what she’s up too. *** this best friend of mine is my bridesmaid for my wedding that is coming up in August. She is starting to become depressed. I’ve noticed she tends to ignore and isolate her close friends when she is going through a tough time. However, this time it seems serious. It makes me feel like she doesn’t want to be my friend. I feel conflicted. I have given her space but it’s giving me doubts on whether or not I should have her in my wedding party. I want to be there for her and I do care for her but this is a lot for me. I’ve asked close family and friends for advice and they say that she may not be my true friend or showing her true colors because she blocked only her best friends but no one else on social media. what should I do?
  7. I had a very close, very deep connection with a friend for 15 years. I've never felt any other connection like it, I felt like he was my soulmate, or that we were kindred spirits. I believed in him and in the connection between us, and because I met him when I was barely 21, my belief in this formed a foundational part of my adult identity. It formed the basis for my sense of hope about myself and my life (I came from a difficult and unsupported home. He 'saw' me and 'knew' me, or at least, did things to make it seem that way). A couple of years ago, things shifted between us. There was always an element of romance to our friendship, but it was not something at the forefront, and I often responded to suggestions of that with fear (it is very difficult for me to trust and be intimate with people and I think the depth of the connection I felt made me feel vulnerable). I suppose, for me, it was something deep within me that just 'knew' that one day we would, or should, be together, but that it would be in the future. Anyway, a couple of years ago, things shifted between us and it felt like something was going to happen. He treated me really badly during this stage. I felt loved by him, I felt like he loved me by the way that he looked at me, by the things that he said, and by the way that we were together. But - consistently - just when it felt like things were definitely moving in that direction, he'd start dating someone. He was a serial dater, constantly meeting women online, and breaking things off after a couple of months. And in between, there was this confusing, charged, 'stuff' between us. I went a bit crazy during this time, I hardly knew which way was up. Looking back, I realise how damaging and harmful his behaviour was, and how it was driven by denial, low self-esteem and an addiction to dating. He was a womaniser and he used and threw away so many women. I knew this about him, I felt him to be wounded, I saw the person underneath who had so much love and goodness, and who I felt so connected to, and I felt that he knew it, and felt it too. Eventually we kissed one night, but it did no go well. It produced further mixed messages and confusion, and dishonesty on his part. He told me he didn't want to be involved with me, but then treated me like he did, and made me feel, again, like he loved me, and that there was hope. Only to drop me or ignore me for weeks, and serial date. It made me question my sanity and my grasp on reality. This situation culminated in our spending the night together, when very drunk. Afterwards, he blamed me, shamed me, and broke contact with me, ostracising me from the social group we shared. (A group in which he has more power and influence than me). He told me some terrible, cruel things that I am still trying to recover from, 18 months on. After 6 months, we resumed contact and I told him how the whole situation had made me feel. I apologised for the actions on my part that had led to the breakdown in our friendship, (mainly, that I just wanted to know what the *&£& was going on and was unable to accept his treatment of me - which was basically to just erase me so that he could continue enjoying his life without having to deal with what had happened between us). I didn't get a real apology from him, although I could see just how sorry and guilty he felt. He struggles to apologise, although at a later date, he did partially do this (and it was a very emotional, authentic moment between us). We agreed to stay friends and to rebuild trust between us. He very much wanted this. But weeks in to that, he started letting me down again, dropping me and forgetting about me - not following up on things when he said he would. He has made me feel so worthless and forgettable, like I just don't matter. But he frequently has told me I do (without my prompting). When the pandemic happened, which was very soon after our initial reconciliation (curtailing our ability to reconnect properly as I no longer live nearby, although we have have talked online over this period). He totally crumbled. Complete manchild. He continued dating (meeting people in person, via online dating sites) all throughout lockdown and eventually met a girl who a few weeks in broke things off with him. This seemed to catalyse him into a period of growth. His extreme vulnerability due to lockdown allowed him to emotionally connect with this woman, and as a result, he continued to pursue her and they are now back together. He talks about her like she's the 'one', he told me, in great detail, about the great connection he has with her. How he imagined a future with her. It feels to me that the situation of the pandemic forced his wounded nature to grow and heal, and that this woman is now the beneficiary of that. He's reformed his womanising ways and is free to love and give - he's happy, in love, and going to have a future with her. Being forced in one place, and having fewer distractions and options to run, is deepening their bond and giving him the time and space to actually settle in to a real relationship. I want to be happy for him. But I am so desperately hurt and angry. He wounded so many women, for years, and he wounded me, and he's still so oblivious to it. My life, and my sense of self and identity was destroyed because of the careless and cruel way he treated me. But he gets to be happy. He gets to benefit from the pain he caused me by knowing not to treat someone else like that. These are all things he has basically said to me, in one way or another. And even though I know he feels guilt and sorrow at what happened between us, he hasn't really made real amends It's been me giving him all the opportunities, and every time it's mattered, he has let me down. He drops me or just entirely forgets about me and any communication we have had. He just forgets, like he has forgotten everything else he's done and said. Like it's nothing. I can't trust him or rely on him, but it is so hard to let go, to something I believed in for so long, and someone I cared for so deeply. I don't think there is a way forward for this friendship anymore. And I don't think there is any point in me telling him about how I feel. But I am struggling so much with the idea that he gets to be happy now, when I am still in so much pain. It doesn't seem fair, and I feel so helpless. I wasted so many years of hope and trust in someone who I still believe felt deeply for me, but who could only treat me cruelly. And then, to make it even worse, is now giving someone else everything I thought we would have - everything he made me believe was there between him and me. I didn't project...he either manipulated me (because of his desire to be loved by everyone) or really did feel something, but I know I didn't imagine it. I know I have to give up on salvaging anything; relegate him to the past and block him from my mind. But I don't know how to cope with the anguish that I feel that he is now reformed! That everything he did to me was a waste, that my love was a waste, and that there are no consequences for him. How do I do it?
  8. Hello all, I am writing this because I am currently stuck in the middle of a large friendship that is going through issues with two separate groups. This might sound confusing but to give some context, in this situation there are 12 friends including myself. To keep privacy I will use fake names. There are 6 guys (Bob, John, Kyle, Jacob, Will, & Brad) and 6 girls(Ericka, Peyton, Jasmine, Hannah, Olivia, Amber) 3 of the guys are currently dating 3 of the girls. (Bob & Ericka, John & Peyton, Kyle & Jasmine) Within the remaining 6, Jacob & Hannah got a divorce, Will and Olivia used to date a long time ago but now are really good friends and Brad (which is me) is currently trying to date Amber. The tensions stem down to when Jacob started to date Hannah. She joined our friend group and the two of them got married. She began to become great friends with everyone within the group and 5 of the guys and 2 of the girls were in the wedding. She became very close to everyone and things were great. Things got bad however, when the two of them started to have problems. She began to rely on 2 of the girls (Olivia & Amber) and also myself to reach out for advice and just overall have someone to talk to. Jacob also reached out to me for help and advice, so I was stuck in the middle here but they ended up getting a divorce. This started a tear in our group as the only people who would reach out to Hannah was Olivia, Amber and some of the guys including myself. Everyone else in the group would never really reach out to Hannah. Jacob and Hannah have buried the hatchet and they both told each other they don't want our friends to pick sides and want all of us to still be friends. But the problem currently is this: there is this tension between the girls. Hannah, Olivia & Amber have gotten very close and they still really like the other 3 girls, Ericka, Peyton & Jasmine, but they feel like they are not welcome whenever they all hang out. Ericka, Peyton & Jasmine do not start conversations with Hannah Olivia & Amber and they have told me that they feel like they don't invite them to do anything. While Hannah, Olivia & Amber have told me that they feel like Ericka, Peyton & Jasmine do not like them. I feel like there is a big misconception between the two groups. They both have the same mindset and I believe it can be resolved. The most recent scenario which has caused me to type all of this was this past weekend. It was Jasmine's birthday and she texted me and Will asking us if we wanted to go and included everyone else besides Hannah, Olivia & Amber. Those three found out that Jasmine had a get together and are upset and feel like it is the cherry on top to their thinking that none of the girls or even the guys like them. Out of everyone, I am closest to Olivia & Amber. I go to them about anything and everything and they consider me their best friend as well. They've contacted me about whether the other girls like them or not and they feel like they are being pushed out of this friend group. The scenario is weird because I feel like in a divorce or even a breakup you lose friends and people move on. Olivia & Amber have become so close to Hannah through being with her during the divorce that they don't want to leave her but at the same time really don't want to lose the rest of us. I could use some advice on what to do because I don't want to lose their friendships and I really believe it is a misconception that the girls don't like each other
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