Andrina

Wow. Both 31 and with so little relationship histories. Getting married right now would be the last thing you should do, even if you care for one another. Being rushed for any reason isn't optimum for making wise decisions. In your case, I wouldn't even begin to think about marriage until you're living locally and see if it can last at least a good 3 years. Because you two need to know that you're both capable of long term, since neither of you have a track record in that area. I've known a person whose biological clock was ticking and rushed into getting pregnant by someone she barely knew. That ended in a disastrous relationship, and the poor child suffered with all the drama. The mother got what she wanted--a child, but I felt sorry for what the child had to suffer through, with her father, for the most part, abandoning her. What does this woman do for a living that she thinks she can live in your area half the time and then move back to her own digs? Is she babyish, like relies on other people a lot, lacks confidence, is self-isolating besides family time? Why do you think she never had a serious boyfriend? You're going to have to permanently close the distance soon to find out if this relationship really has legs when it's no longer an LDR. If you two can't agree on that with neither feeling resentful, this isn't going to work.

How many visits have you had with each other? I was just wondering how well you know her as an adult. You don't want to assume what you knew of her when you were teens hasn't changed since then. There are plenty of kids I grew up with and enjoyed back then who I don't want anything to do with now that we're adults. What you see is what you get. Don't expect this to change, even if you move her way. I wouldn't like this over-involvement with family from my partner. Where to live is one of those major things a couple has to agree upon, just like whether or not to have kids, which religion if any they will be raised, etc., sexual compatibility, and shared life goals and ethics. I never suggest marrying until you've had some time dating locally, and that doesn't even mean living together. It's smarter after an LDR starts that way to rent separately while in the same town. Because going from barely seeing each other to being together 24/7 can prove disastrous. You can't really see the total reality of a person until being around them locally at least a good 6 months. If you two can't agree on closing the distance because one of you will be resenting that, it's not going to work out. What's her dating history been like? What's the longest relationship you've had?

If you can't have conversations about problems, then you can't resolve those problems, so your relationship is dead in the water. People who care stick around to resolve problems and wait for improvements. I guess you didn't resolve them on her personal deadline, or she no longer cares if you improved and bailed without breaking up, thinking there will be less drama and she will be far away and when reality hits that it's a breakup, she can block and delete. Though you love her, realize when she won't engage in a discussion when you have a problem with her behavior, this is a puzzle with missing pieces that can never be solved.

You're young and will make mistakes in dating, but please make note of those mistakes or you are bound to repeat them. She came with a warning label that she voiced. Next time a woman does this, no matter how pretty or engaging her personality, make an immediate exit. She knew herself better than you, so you should have listened. She gave you that warning to ease a bit of guilt for herself when she knew exactly what would happen. She used you for a time that suited her, and then she left and spouted what anybody could have predicted: Told you so. White knights might feel good for a time, but then when everything falls apart, the knight just hurts himself. Mentally healthy partners don't need a white knight. She needs a normal man who will make her a priority and treat her right, while she makes the same effort toward her man. Block and delete. Eventually you can heal and move on and love someone who is a decent partner.

He verbally abused you by calling you names. He abused you by punishing you with the silent treatment. He was self-centered by the activities revolving around him and his people only. That's what you wrote so I'm not getting how that isn't insight for you to have figured out on your own. The right person eases your troubles and makes you feel like a priority.

Why did your gf move away and how far are you two? How often will you see each other? Her being the sole center of your universe is smothering to a person. Usually people are drawn to a partner who can expand their world instead of minimize it. What do you do to expand her world? It's in your best interest to form friendships for both your happiness and your partners. Because it gets boring to just do outing as a couple. Many couples like to double date and do group activities with friends. Doing this should also make you less anxious about your relationship because even if a breakup happens, you still have a support system of friends to get together with. The right mindset is to already have a fulfilling life and want to add a romantic companion to share your joy with, versus a partner being the sole reason for your happiness. Good luck on making goals and those improvements.

Put a positive spin on it and think of it as proof that you're compiling with detailed notes of how you should be the primary custodial parent with her paying you custody. Think of yourself as an actor/spy with her being dumb to the fact she's digging herself deeper into a hole.

Probably because you had sex, making you want to bond with a man because of the hormones released when you have sex with him, you're more invested in this than you should be. If you'd met for the two hours without sex, you'd probably have blocked him after finding out his lies and that he has no plans to regularly meet up with you as someone available and interested would be. You're not dating safely nor wisely. Read some books on achieving a better self-worth. Keep the first meet at no longer than 2 hours without intimacy. Think of dating as a marathon versus a sprint. If you're goal is to have a serious, longterm relationship, keep at minimum the first 3 or 4 dates in public without intimacy. Have a wait and see attitude, and if you see any dealbreakers or the guy isn't putting in the expected effort, bail. The right guy will be patient about being intimate, and he will be wanting to get to know all about you. The gift of your body should be a precious thing, not tossed like a bone to any dog.

He didn't take things too far in your opinion because you stuck around for more abuse. Your words don't match your inaction at that point. You have a lot more work to do on your self-love or your next bf will likely be a repeat of the two exes. You're not causing them to be abusive. You're attracting and accepting abusers who see you as easy prey who will, for a time anyway, stay with their sorry souls. Make a list of must-haves and dealbreakers and stick to it this time. There are no second chances for dealbreakers and major problems. Learn the difference between major and minor problems. Minor problems can be resolved with constructive discussions. Don't stick around for people with toxic, major problems. Stay alone for a while while you read about boosting your self-worth, before you date again. For now, closure will eventually come when you block his number, delete it plus delete him on social media. Put a limit on venting about him to friends. After a few weeks, his name should no longer pass through your lips. Insight into his behavior is irrelevant. He's in your rear view mirror, so who cares?

Speaking for myself, I wouldn't use a man whom I no longer loved. I'd make a clean break and sort out everything legally. That's what a decent woman does. I don't know what you mean by not helping at all. You have to make sure the children are receiving the hands on support from both parents and are taken care of to the fullest extent, and are made the priority during this stressful time. You have to ensure they are in a healthy environment with the parents being mature and pleasant toward one another while co-parenting. It's the right thing to do after bringing new lives into the world who didn't ask to be born.

Though I had some men lying about their age and posting older photos only on OLD, I will share one very sweet memory I have of OLD. I always made it clear I only dated locally, but decided it'd be fun to have one phone call with a Hawaiian man who chatted me up, since the phone call would be free and I'd never met someone of that culture before. He put it on speaker phone, played his ukelele, and sang a song called The Happy Song. It was so beautiful.

Sometimes people are embarrassed to bring up sexual problems to a doctor, even if it could possibly help to make things so much better in that area. Perhaps speak to him about if he's ever considered getting medication like Viagra, and listen to what he says. If he shuts down the conversation, and doesn't care how you're frustrated, perhaps reconsider if this is the man for you.

This is likely the reason she hasn't suggested divorce. She might have spoken to an attorney or to others in the know, and has found out that she, as the breadwinner, will be the bigger loser financially with a split. You might be eligible for alimony and she probably knows she's the one who will be having to pay you custody payments. The other poster was correct in that you should not leave the family home. Begin mentally separating yourself from her and tell her the new rule is that you two only speak about your child as co-parents, and that there will be no more talk of feelings between each other and those sorts of things. Of course, you might first want to wait to do this until after you privately speak to an attorney, and separate your credit card and bank accounts. Luckily for you, judges are usually intelligent about reading between the lines and seeing past BS when deciding which parent should have primary custody. Good luck.

It's probably the case that even though you're blood related, there's a lack of past history, so those levels of a built-up bond never happened. Perhaps if you lived near to one another, it'd be like having a new friend that you'd be seeing regularly, and building a bond in that way. But for some, an occasional e-mail, etc., doesn't do anything to make them feel connected, and they prefer to put their efforts into loved ones locally. It's one-sided, so I'd match her efforts, which are minimal. Take care.

You have to think about the way you're setting up your life and if it's conducive to the goals you're trying to achieve. I don't know if you're okay with dating guys who keep friends around who've they've slept with in the past. If that's okay with you, then being friends with an ex-lover will be okay since you will be dating likeminded guys. Just know that makes your dating pool smaller since there are guys who wouldn't be comfortable dating you if you wind up becoming buddies with this guy. For all intents and purposes, he is a stranger so I would only meet with him in public places, avoiding weekend vacations and spending time in one another's homes until you feel secure his intentions don't involve knocking boots.

What does this mean? Why are you moving? As you can see, elderly people need help so why is he moving away from grown sons who will one day be able to help with him and grandchildren who might be able to help you out?

This is doormat behavior. You are shoving your own wants under the mat in fear of losing someone who's always just out of your grasp. Not that my self-esteem was always the best when I was in the dating world, but I did do some things right. When I saw that my dating style and dating goals didn't match someone I'd begun seeing, I walked away. There was someone who wouldn't be able to date as often as I wished because of the particular custody schedule he had with his very young son, so I didn't even venture to date him. Another took a really long time to decide to be exclusive with anyone while he multi-dated, so I took a pass on that. You have to know your standards and what you're comfortable with and stick with those standards. I don't care how attractive the person is. I held out for a guy who did have the amount of time I wanted for dating, and we matched in all major ways. Tell a person what you want and if she is not on board, it's best to know now before investing more time in Ms. Wrong.

Yeah, sometimes there are people-pleasing people who won't say no, even if his/her own life is negatively impacted. How is he pleasant to be around if he is regularly expressing irritation that he can't make plans for his own life because he's like an indentured servant to someone else? And when you can't ask him about a broken dryer after 6 weeks of doing his laundry without him getting snippy. You did offer, but a person who cared about not imposing too much wouldn't let this go on for such a lengthy time. If he can't even afford to buy a new or used dryer, how will he afford a 180 mile trip roundtrip each Sunday to take Carol to church? If she had nobody else, I'd consider it like my fiancee doing volunteer work for someone needy, or doing something nice for a family member. But since her friends have offered to bring her to church, it would've been reasonable for him to lessen his involvement to once a month or 4 times a year, as examples. Why are you two moving 90 miles away and are you buying property together? Do you know what his plans are for helping Carol when you're living farther away from her? I wouldn't assume anything and make that big move unless knowing this important info first. Probably for the clothes, I'd say: I didn't know it'd take this long to get the dryer fixed. Maybe you should have Carol resume doing it since you do so much for her. He was already in this routine when you arrived into his life. You can speak up but if nothing changes, decide if being regularly frustrated is worth being in a relationship with him.

Yes, just like Goldilocks and the 3 Bears. She tries out the chairs and beds, whereas one is too hard, the other too soft, and then she finally finds the one that is just right! While healing, make a list of must-haves and a list of dealbreakers and stick to the lists when dating. There will always be minor issues that can be resolved, but cut loose people early on with major issues/incompatibilities.

If these two men didn't live in or near the building, I might say go for it, but since you're feeling it a lot with the elevator guy, if he happens to see you around with the other guy, even though you two aren't exclusive, it might put a sour taste in his mouth. Just like in OLD, you have to assume the other person is dating others, you don't want to hear about it or see it. Just like when I'd started talking to a guy and we planned on seeing each other after my vacation, and he accidentally e-mailed me about a date that he'd planned with another woman, it put a damper on my excitement to meet him. Since you're not as attracted to the other guy, if it were me and he asked again, I would say I'm exploring something with someone I'd just started dating and aren't comfortable multi-dating. He'll either not reply or tell you to call if it doesn't work out with the other guy. I'm just saying that's what I'd do to prevent ruining what could become a great thing with the tall guy. I don't think there is anything wrong with multi-dating but I never did it, and just as in your case, there was one who stood out and he's who I wanted to concentrate on without the distractions of others.

The human brain isn't fully formed in the decision making area, the pre-frontal cortex, until around age 25. So chalk it up to his poor decision making skills, and also as he says, his issues at the time. The important thing is that he has improved because he cares, and he chose you as a long-term partner and now, I'm assuming is an ideal partner to you. What I learned in the past in marriage counseling is that once an argument is settled, you never again bring it up as a weapon in future arguments. Perhaps you're not doing this verbally, but you're doing it mentally. You have control over your mind, so you will have to learn to let the past go and relish the present. We're all humans and we make mistakes, but what's important is that we learn from them. You have your own self-esteem issues since you're letting his dumb mistakes continue to affect you and compare yourself to his exes. Read some books on setting a new narrative inside your brain. If you don't make any improvement in that area, you will have to let him go as he doesn't deserve someone who is seething during lovemaking versus enjoying it.

In a healthy relationship, there is nothing to fight for. You each plainly make the daily efforts that build a beautiful relationship and the majority of the time, you're both satisfied. I think she's afraid of change since you two have been together since your teen years, from the sounds of it. So she's dangling false hope to retain what is really a life you'd both be settling for, and settling for your one precious life on the planet is sad. I know through experience how unsatisfactory a relationship is when libidos don't match. I have a normal libido, but have two experiences whereas one man's was high and the other's, low. It's a life of frustration and upsets that cannot be resolved, because you can't change a person's libido unless there is a hormonal problem that medication can rectify. You've now learned what you don't want in a relationship, and it's good that you're experiencing this watershed moment. When the only way you'll be happy is if a major change happens, it's not the right relationship for you. It's been the same for 7 years, so it's an extremely safe bet it will continue "as is." If it were me, I'd end this to eventually find the right partner. If you decide that, you should stay alone at least a year to mourn the relationship, heal, and learn who you really are as a solo person before venturing in the dating world again. Good luck.

When my kids were young, I traded babysitting hours with other families with children whom I knew well. Or, I paid a babysitter. She's an adult and will have to figure all that out. Of course, we like to occasionally help a friend, but this is too regular and she hasn't minded using you in the past. It's too much.

When a friendship becomes unsatisfactory the majority of the time, it's time for it to be over. I had a friend much like yours, although she became pregnant on purpose because of her biological clock ticking. She found a dumb man to impregnate her which we all knew wouldn't end in a happily ever after, and it didn't. She'd always had a stream of problematic men and ignored everyone's advice. When it happened, like in your case, that the only times she'd reach out to me was for favors that the majority time I refused, I let the relationship fade. This frees up your leisure time for a companion you can have fun with and whom doesn't stress you out or use you.

Once you know you will act in a way that gets you into trouble under the use of alcohol, it's a sign you actually should avoid it. I have so many relatives who are much happier now that they are sober. Maybe nip a problem in the bud before it becomes a hard problem to solve. I'm actually shocked the counselor suggested this. IMO, just as alcoholics shouldn't begin anything new, including new relationships until being sober a minimum of a year, shouldn't you not date until you are able to ditch the emotional baggage you're lugging around? I think it's the wrong time to think of dating when you're expecting the worse from someone and are terrified by the dating process. If I were you, I'd continue with counseling and just concentrate on your higher education and spending time with girlfriends and hobbies. It's okay to share what's gone on in your past minimally with those close to you, but save the majority of talks with your therapist. It becomes too much for friends, a bf, etc., if you overdo it on these talks. I have a friend from childhood who lives a 3 hours away and I've distanced myself as talks are concerned because I keep having to hear the horrible stories of what happened to her as a child and adult, and I get depressed when I'm with her instead of having fun companion time. I'm sorry she suffered and I was okay she shared things with me the first time, but I think she's hurting herself by rehashing these stories over and over, bringing forth all the emotions that come with those memories. I'm sorry you've suffered as well. I think that this guy was drawn to you after your drunken story because predators prey on people they believe are weak. He's no prize and you're just feeling lonely right now. You don't need a man right now. I was not a good place mentally in junior college when I met my first husband who was toxic. I really wish I would've stayed single until I was in a better place emotionally to date. Good luck and be proud of doing what's best for yourself in higher education and seeking help with a therapist.