kissy

yeah, you are right. At that time I didn't realize how wayward everything was. I also tried to set her up with my friend and one point but she also really meanly rejected her when the girl wanted to be exclusive. She did tell me though that a friend in her bio group liked her, as well as a customer at the cafe because she got her a Christmas present and that she also kissed one of our friends when they were drunk. It seemed like she had these opportunities but just didn't take them. I was hurt at the time she told me but again I knew she wasn't mine to be jealous of.

I mean we both did romantic things to each other, but repeatedly she said she couldn't date or like anyone. She was really attractive and had girls come up to her to straight up ask for her number but she rejected girls who were prettier and smarter than me. I think it was delusional of me to just wonder and think of the possibilities instead of just actually listening to what she was verbally saying to me and that was she wouldn't date or like anyone. I know the romantic things were probably overbearing but we did that mutually and when we hung out the distance between us was nothing at all. Even when our friends joked we'd be cute together she'd make a face or tell them to shut up about it. I couldn't do anything at that point but try to move on.

Yea, I think you are right on this one. My other friends are just pushing for me to talk to her because in general she's a very magnetic person who wouldn't do anything like this genuinely. When I did tell my friends, a lot of them were confused and asked to see texts because they couldn't believe she would ever say those things to me. I know I can't make her change at all. I tried to help her curb her smoking habit by buying her lollipops and sorting out the one singular flavor she liked. I think it was like 6 packs of 50 and only 14 of her favourite flavour was in there. I gave them to her with the intention she'd slow down her nicotine usage but I don't think she ever gave them a second thought. But on the other side. I know confrontations have genuinely helped me become a better person. She confronted me with the thought that I had hurt her with my jokes while I did not have the intention to make me realize I need to always double-check with people if the jokes I'm making are alright. Regardless of how close we are, I should take responsibility of what I say. A part of me thinks that she might benefit from me talking to her. I know it's hypothetical but if I could negate damages to the next person she meets, I would. I just don't know if I'm mentally strong enough to do that.

I know she had abandonment issues. I did too, but as we grew apart I learned how to face them head one and try not to feel too much into myself and just enjoy the time we had apart. What's silly to me is that she chose willingly to push me away and when I was pushed away and exploring other avenues, she wanted me back but at the same time got more jealous and pushed me away again. I just wished she would've talked to me because I gave her so many opportunities to. I talked to her twice seriously about how her distance is hurting me, but the first time she apologized and said she'd done better (she didn't), and the second time she just got upset that I brought it up. What funny is at that time I thought she was the most mature person I know. She hated lying and for her, I completely stopped little white lies or even lying about embarrassing things in my past. She also got upset at me for ghosting boys previously, I understand that's valid to get mad at, but at that time I was just ghosting them because I was unsure of my sexuality and when they approached me for something more I would just avoid them. This behavior just went against everything I knew about her. I do thing I've outgrown her though.

I know she did. But she also mentioned early on and repeatedly that she couldn't date or like someone. i didn't want our friendship to be in jeopardy because I was doing the one thing she said she cant do in relationships. Tbh its not she was only paying for everything for me only, she did it with almost every other friend and did it for her family often. Still, this was the first time someone else had paid for my meal or anything. I know she got upset, but what hurt me is that I would support her dating someone else because I love her unconditionally, as long as she was happy I was happy. But she couldn't do the same with me. When I was happier with another girl that I thought would like me back romantically she just cut me off. When we were friends also she acted very standoffish when I talked about this other girl but she always acted like that so I didn't see anything unusual with her behaviour anyway. Later, before she finally cut me off, she apologized me for acting like that and I forgave her because I was used to that.

thank you for this. Its helping me make peace with how the friendship ended.

yeah, I'm realizing that too. This was my first strong relationship ever and i wish it didn't end up like this. Starting now I'm gonna have more direct boundaries not only for my sake but for the sake of the relationship in general

yeah. I wonder that too. I've never been close to anyone as much as her and when she called me her best friend the first time I burst into tears because no one had ever called me that. I know she was mentally unstable when accusing me of being mean to her, she apologized but I don't think It was enough considering how bad it made me feel later. My other friend just said she was insecure in herself and she lashed out at me. i do think that too. But it's the fact she blamed everything on me and was gonna make men believe it for however long because she wasn't the one to correct herself until i told her i loved her. I did say some pretty mean things to her in response avoiding my texts, but i seriously don't think it came close to what she said to me throughout us trying to talk.

For background information, this girl, Mia (fake name), and I had a months-long thing where we were close together in the beginning, but slowly she kinda differed from me and cited things like school and family for her distance. It made me upset because we relied on each other for a lot of emotional support. After all, she was the kindest person I've met, she's also the first lesbian I've met, and made me realize I was gay. She made me more comfortable with myself too, I used to have mental health issues but she greatly helped me with her support. She didn't offer emotional support to me but she was so close to me that she was the first person I was comfortable enough to tell her. On the other hand, she told me everything about her life and I always offered her emotional support and huge letters about how important she was to me to cheer her up. She didn't offer me the same back but at that time it was okay to me because she showed her affection by paying for anything, calling me, and stuff. The entirety of our friendship I had this huge crush on her and I tried to hide it as best I could because she always told me she wouldn't date or like anyone. After all, she was too insecure/busy for that. Earlier this year she would see me like 4 days out of the week and call me every night for hours, texting me as often as she could. We shared photos of our day and like made a bunch of inside jokes, and talked about a lot of personal stuff. But as time wore on she would go hours without texting me canceling on me an hour before we were supposed to meet and stopped apologizing for it (we only hung out once a month atp), and generally was super avoidant to me. She was really kind to me, on top of paying for everything when we went out she would do kind gestures like when I fought with my mom and she came into my backyard and made a heart out of footprints for me to see. She would also hold my hand all the time and hugged me whenever we saw each other and often. She also planned a really sweet movie and game day when she was gonna shut herself in to study for the week. She supurised with my favorite movie and i fell alseep on her shoulder in the movie. I would also at every chance try to hold her to touch her in some ways. So the romantic light i saw in her wasn't just entirely based off delusion. A week before her birthday she told me that I was mean to her and if I didn't fix myself, we couldn't be friends. This completely blindsided me because even as a joke I've never purposely said something or did something to hurt her. When I asked what I did specifically or anything she couldn't tell me because she said she didn't remember. This went on the whole day, I would ask her questions and she would avoid it and just say kinda of inflammatory comments. She also refused to meet with me or call me because she would avoid my texts and misinterpret them. I was really stressed our because I've never been spoken to like this or even had this come up with anyone, and once she exploded and said things like I do things that hurt her on purpose, I put my friends above her, when i talk too much it makes her feel dumb, thinks of that sort, i just told her to *** off. It really hurt me to do and i regretted saying that. It even hurt more when i told her to come get her stuff like her record and sweater but she took the gifts she brought from abroad for me and my last year's birthday gifts and stuff. This situation made me really insecure for months because I felt like i was hurting the one person I loved I was possibly hurting everyone else and everything like that. This December though, I had to tell Mia I loved her because it was weighing down on me because I had another girl I was talking to. I assumed she was just emailing me back saying I knew, that sucks though get over it but she emailed me back saying she missed me and loved me too. But she said she didn't want to like me and she was purposely pushing me away because she was too insecure about herself. She says the mean things I said to her weren't mean but because the friendly banter I would say to a friend was coming from a girl she liked, she got more insecure because of it. She was also jealous of my friends and the girl I went on a date with toward the end of our friendship which was the last straw for her. She said she had a panic attack the day I went out with the girl, we were supposed to meet later but she had always been cool with being alone so it didn't seem odd to me to just spend time with the girl I was on a date with. She also said she doesn't have the time to sacrifice for me over her academic responsibilities. This kinda shook me, because the first person I've loved could love me back but couldn't keep me. But slowly I realized it was kinda ***ed how she treated me. She pushed me away on purpose knowing it made me insecure, self-conscious, and upset. She was gonna let me live life just pushing me away at the end making me believe everything was my fault because she would've never emailed me first. My friends who aren't her friends never liked her and they have a biased opinion against her, but my friends who are also friends with her think I should talk to her one last time. I don't think we could be friends after this because Ill miss her too much knowing she can't be mine. But at the same time, I do want to talk to her and confront her because I didn't want her to treat her next girl like this. After all, while we were still friends she also pushed another girl away that I introduced to her. She told me in the email as well that she was pretending to like the girl to get over me but when she got too clingy she really crudely cut ties with her. She's only free after the new year and a part of me thinks starting the new year anew is good but currently, I'm really upset about how she treated me. But I've made a lot of progress, I don't burst into tears at the thought of her anymore and breakup and love songs sound less like her. I don't know if I should see her one last time.