Andrina

My husband and I worked very similar schedules to what you're describing when we met, and he lived 45-55 minutes from me depending on traffic. We met up at least twice a week at the beginning and it quickly progressed to sometimes meeting 3 times a week. Someone who's really into you will strive to meet with you more than once a week, even if tired. After 3 months, you'd expect some sleepovers. Even if he's tired, you could eat a meal, watch a half hour of TV, and have the pleasure of sleeping in the same bed. Other women he's dated have probably dumped him early on because he doesn't know how to properly date and develop a satisfying relationship. You're a lot more into him than vice versa, which is why you're making excuses for him and trying to suggest his behavior is reasonable. I'm sorry you're hurting and I know it's hard to hear what you don't want to hear.

Unless he's extremely young, like 19 or 20, this was a big red flag in itself, that he can't manage to last in a relationship past 4 or 5 months. Sounds like he likes to get to the part of being intimate, but then when things need to move to the next level, he doesn't want to put in the sort of effort that requires. As another poster said, stress is a regular part of anyone's life, and after almost half a year together, a partner should be someone you can feel comforted by when stressors happen. Sounds like your relationship has never even taken off as it should have. Only seeing each other once a week? That's stagnant unless your work schedules are so opposite from one another to make getting together almost impossible. He totally agreed with the break, and his heart probably gave a happy little leap that it was your idea, plus the distance might mean less drama from you, and that things could go peacefully by the wayside. You should have some self-worth and expect better from a partner. Take the reins in your own hands and tell him the relationship isn't working for you. The right guy won't need breaks from you, and will never let you go--not even once.

You're totally missing the key element here--that you're still hanging out with a friend you had sex with. That is where the ethical part comes in to play. I know I would be livid if my now husband never gave me the info that he was getting together with a friend he never told me he had sex with, even though it wasn't when he and I were exclusive. Because it's a rule of mine not to date men who hang out with an ex or someone he once had sex with, even if I had 100 percent confidence it would never happen again and they felt no romance together. Regardless, I have a right to know this about my partner. IMO, there are two ways to stay within ethical bounds here. One is to let your friend know that because you two crossed into sexual territory, that in order for your relationship with your bf to work, you will have to end the friendship. In that instance, you don't need to tell your bf anything. But if you do continue the friendship, ask your bf what his views are on being friends with ex's and intimacy partners and if he's okay with that, share that you and buddy had sex before you two became exclusive, or don't say anything unless you both want to share that info with each other. Those are the ways to stay within ethical bounds. If he's not okay with what's in the previous paragraph, you're plain wrong in keeping that info from him. In that case, I'd break up with him so he can be with a woman who shares his relationship boundaries. It's not all about you, and your logic about keeping him from experiencing pain is misguided. It's more important that he be given the right to decide what's right for himself, instead of having the wool pulled over his eyes. If this was a one-night stand, and you never saw the man again, then yes, I agree your bf didn't need to know.

Generally happy sounds really "meh" to me. When you have a partner, it's up to you put up your own personal boundaries of not developing a close bond and socialize outside of work with a person you fantasize about. You do have control over your mind with practice, and you definitely have control over your actions, which means not sharing personal stories, going to lunch or to bars after work, and stopping at each others desks for long chats. It's not good for your primary relationship and yes, it's an emotional affair, even if one-sided. How about letting off steam with your fiancee or occasionally, a guy friend? Or, going to the gym? It's nice to have some social interaction at work. I've had times when it was enjoyable and times where my colleagues weren't my cup of tea. But don't lose sight of the fact that it is work, and you can solely get your social needs met outside of work with people you feel totally platonic towards. If you won't change your behavior, and gradually your mindset, do your fiancee a favor and let her go so she can one day meet a man who knows how to be a partner worthy of her. If she was writing this same narrative about a guy at work, how would you feel and what would you want/expect from her?

Your self-worth is in the gutter. To prevent endangerment, seek professional help ASAP because toxic predators can sniff out weak prey from great distances.

You're asking the wrong question. You should be asking: Why do I think so lowly of myself that I didn't walk away as soon as I saw what a jerk he is?

It's best to establish what relationship boundaries you two have, which many couples naively don't address when deciding to become exclusive. One boundary couples normally discuss is whether or not it's okay to be buddies with an ex or someone they had sex with. If he's okay with that and you are, then ethically, you're okay. If he's not okay with that, then you would be hiding the fact that you are hanging out with a guy you knocked boots with. And that's not fair to him. So to keep it fair, you'd have to no longer be friends with the buddy you crossed boundaries with. There can be severe consequences to our actions, so if alcohol has you behaving in ways you wouldn't when sober, perhaps cut that out of your life.

It doesn't matter that he's been your friend for 20 years. He might've been there for the good times, but he doesn't care about you like a true friend should. I know guys rib each other, but this goes beyond that. I'd cut them both out of your life. You now know your gf will flirt with other men even though she has a bf. And as said, she will probably continue her "friendship" with him even if you cut him from your life. Very inappropriate. You deserve better.

I'd think of it as trying to put yourself out into the world as much as possible, because yes, you don't know where or when you'll find love. If you've only been relying on OLD, expand. Spreading your net wide will get you hauling in more fish, because it's a numbers game. I have a friend who was never successful in love until late into her forties, and of all places, met her future husband who worked at the car dealership where she purchased her car. I used to volunteer at the zoo (not to meet men, but because I found it fulfilling. I was already married--in my first marriage), and saw the burgeoning romance between two other volunteers. For my own experience, I did put myself out there after my first marriage ended. I took dance lessons and had one brief dating experience from that. I had lots of strange and upsetting OLD experiences, but would have my co-workers and friends rolling in laughter about these farfetched experiences. Just when I'd tried some Meetup.com groups for singles in my age group which I enjoyed, I happened to meet my future husband on OLD. He was worth all the frustration and upsets I had to endure until meeting him. Just as there are writers who keep submitting like the author of The Help. She said it took 62 tries to get an agent. If she had stopped at 60, she wouldn't have achieved the success of getting her book published and having the movie rights purchased for it. Meetup.com groups are less stressful than OLD, and you can enjoy the outings and company, even if there is nobody there that sparked a romantic interest. The good part about it is that you never know who will be showing up on any given day, and new members are always joining. Good luck.

Women who are excited about a guy will give an alternate date that they are available, i.e, "I have plans and then I'm leaving town, but will be back on Dec. 1. How about I give you a call and we can set up plans then?" You asked, she said no. You messaged again and received silence. Please don't ask again. That'd be akin to a predator cornering prey. When you do see her at work, be pleasant like you would with any other co-worker and give zero extra in conversation. She's not interested in you romantically. Don't make her feel like she has to avoid you at work. Let her know in your lack of extra attention that you get the message.

I wouldn't even bother talking to him about it. He's showing you what a major interest for him in life is--voyeurism and objectifying women. That's his hobby. It's part of his character. IMO, I always feel it's best to choose men who have healthy hobbies, like sports, etc. Why are you tying yourself in knots, and trying to block out something ugly he's doing? In these sorts of situations, the bad outweighs the good. Don't sway on expecting good standards. Your lifetime happiness depends on it.

It's none of his business what you do. It would be his business if you were his gf. He's also not a true friend, because if he was, he wouldn't be irritated nor angry at these things. He's had 7 years to ask you out and never has. He's just not that into you. And are you a duck whereas others feelings of irritation and anger roll off your back like oil, or are you giving him a free pass to talk to you like that because you have a crush on him? I wouldn't waste any more time on someone who doesn't want to date you, but doesn't want anyone else dating you either. He's self-serving.

Isn't it best to find out if a person shares your dating style after a full 3 months together, giving you the opportunity to bail if her wants and style is the opposite of yours? Never be so enamored with someone whereas it's letting the other person take total control of how things will be, even if it upsets you. Just say, "I've been loving my time with you. What do you think about us being exclusive?" Whatever her answer is will dictate your next move. If anything other than yes, as said, if the answer is something you find unreasonable, best to exit to find a woman who shares the same dating style.

Technically together only a year and you need couples therapy? Dating is to see who matches you and who you can get along with. It's called vetting. I would have bailed if the person who is supposed to be my soft pillow to land on at the end of a stressful day treated me like that. As the wise Maya Angelou said: When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

So why do you allow yourself to be subjected to someone who makes you feel bad by being angry at you. If he were your bf and you're flirting with other men, that would be warranted anger. But you two are not accountable to one another. When he's not shy about flirting with you, there'd be absolutely no reason why he wouldn't ask you out if he was really into you. He knows you have a crush, so it boosts his ego. That's the extent of it. In your shoes, I wouldn't get invested in anyone online. It's all a fantasy world with people playing games. You'll be starting university soon and will be meeting so many guys your age in person. You can better see the reality of a person in person, and it's much more enjoyable to spend time in 3D with a guy. Start having standards and if a guy makes you feel bad, cut him out of your life. It's okay to be shy, but not okay to be a doormat a person can wipe his dirty boots all over.

In your shoes, I'd consider moving to another town, county, or state where jobs in your field are more numerous. Sounds like your life can use an overhaul. Is there any other location that really appeals to you as a place to live? If so, start job hunting in that location. When it comes to interviews, totally refrain from badmouthing the previous employer. You can reframe things with more positive wording, such as wanting to expand your knowledge and gain advanced expertise in XYZ. Think of your job now as looking good on your resume, that you got your foot in the door, and that you have some job history in your field. As far as romance goes, think of it as "not one size fits all." Some who marry too young, such as myself in the early twenties, wind up divorced because we chose a partner before our brains were fully mature. But you can begin by finding a partner in different ways than you've tried in the past. Volunteer work. Meetup.com groups for singles in your age group. Hobbies that men gravitate to and people meet up in groups to engage in the hobby, or a co-ed sports team. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Do you have a personal timeline for how long you'll let this abnormal situation go on?

Really, when you're out there among crowds of people on vacation, it's so common to meet someone you'll share chemistry with. But as said, LDRs that don't start locally for a lengthy time first, have an extremely high rate of failure. Too many cons. He really didn't have to lift a finger, with you doing all the major effort, so it worked for him until you expected the behavior reserved for serious couples. You're the one who accepted the invite and paid to fly to see him, and then I'm assuming you had sex, which made you bond with him in a stronger way than if you had abstained before seeing if he was good dating material. And then you didn't wait for him to initiate communication, double texting, etc, without any equal effort from him. Don't ever be so desperate that you have to nag and plea for equal effort. It's the point of vetting. Make an exit when you see a person doesn't value you. I'd stick to local dating, so you can gradually get to know someone and not invest so quickly. You can also more easily see skeletons in the closet if there are any, sooner. A person who is having alcohol/drug problems isn't dating material, and even if recently sober, shouldn't date for a good year while seeking sobriety. Since you didn't plan on cutting him loose, it's concerning that's not a dealbreaker for you. It should be. Time to block and delete. The sooner you do that, the sooner you'll no longer think of him on a daily basis. Take care.

I just read a quote that really fits by Cindy Cherie: When all you know is fight or flight, red flags and butterflies all feel the same.

Expect that any man who will have anything to do with a married woman will not be longterm material. He never sought anything serious, in that case. Psychology is important. Stop the reel in your brain, phrasing it as that he's broken you. Not true. What's true is that you're upset at the moment. What will be helpful is that you can learn from your mistakes. Practice wiser decisions for better outcomes. When you were not happy in your marriage, instead of entering a new relationship before ending the last one, you should've divorced, given yourself a good year alone to go through all the breakup stages, and then you would've been in a better mindset to properly choose a good dating prospect. If you don't realize your mistakes, you're bound to repeat them. Start now and take that lengthy alone time. Better late than never. Build a fulfilling life without a man for a while, and be firm about block and delete. When the past comes calling, don't answer. It has nothing new to say.

Get a divorce, stop communication with all the inappropriate men in your life, and do not seek new communications with men or online and in person. Concentrate on being fulfilled as a single person for a minimum of a good year, and also use this time to get your child used to a new family dynamic with the divorce. You're being selfish and unethical by seeking support from a married man. Perhaps changing your behavior to being a decent human being will lessen your anxiety, if in fact you feel guilty by doing this. Or is your empathy gene missing, since you don't care that you're betraying his wife and your husband, even though he's not a good husband. Being an adult can mean delaying gratification. Yes, you can one day find a good partner for yourself, but success in that area requires steps. You haven't been without a man since you were 19. Best to learn about yourself without a man in your life, temporarily. The secret is to have a fulfilling life first, with girlfriends, hobbies, a career, quality time with your child, and then when that is all in place, you will want a companion to share that happiness with. In your case, you want a man to MAKE you happy, and then being a married woman with a distant husband, you seek it elsewhere, where only indecent men will have anything to do with you because you are legally taken. A decent man seeks only single ladies. Be someone your daughter can be proud of. Believe me, she either knows now what's going on and if not, will no doubt find out, and you don't want her view of you to negatively affect your relationship with her. Watch the movie "The Christmas Carol" for inspiration. Never too late to change for the better.

Speaking for myself, if I guy I was interested in asked me out and I was out of town, I'd definitely tell him, "Okay, I'm back now, so how about going to that coffee shop you mentioned." I don't know her and her personality. Some people are touchy feely with friends of the opposite sex, even if not interested in them romantically. Since you sound like you would regret not asking again, do so. Whatever happens, you can then move ahead either with her or without her. Risks should be taken in life, even if what you wished for doesn't happen. When it doesn't happen, it frees up your emotional energy and time to be directed elsewhere.

Your investment of time, money, and energy into him and HIS property is not worth any more of your love and time. For two years you haven't felt good enough in his eyes, and you want to continue on with him? Your self-love is clearly lacking. The right man will make you feel like you're the most special person in the world, not like you're lacking. You can't hang on, hoping it will go back to what things were like in the rosy beginning. What man who loves you would have you sacrifice taking care of your health in order to pay for his property? I doubt he'd reimburse you for everything you've spent on his property if you break up with him, as you should. Don't know if you have a legal leg to stand on since he could claim it was a gift, and there aren't any texts or e-mails saying this is a loan. You could try suing, but there's a chance you will have to take a financial loss, just like people suffer in a divorce. Even so, a financial loss now is better than staying with a user who doesn't love you. Please use the time after the break up to see things in a clearer light, and work on your self-love, so that you don't repeat a pattern of picking a toxic person. Take care.

Aren't FWBs operated in a way that there are no expectations about how often you see each other, and that there is no expectation of regular texting, except to arrange a hookup? Isn't that the point, that there are no ties and you meet up when convenient for both? Is it that you've sought a FWB for a particular reason, or that you wanted to be in his life in any way possible, even though you'd prefer to date him if he wanted you as a gf? Are you giving all of the choices over to him, and you're a passive participant who will allow herself to be moved wherever another chooses on the chess board? I'm just trying to figure out the bigger picture here. What is the ideal life you're picturing for yourself, and what are you presently doing to reach your life goals. Sounds like you're oddly feeling safe with a man who is so detached that it's irrelevant to him what you do with your life. If you haven't properly received therapy for past trauma, I'd take care of that before being in and entering into any relationships with men. When you're coming here with your problems about the FWB, it means it no longer is satisfying to you. It doesn't matter what his choices are, whether what he says to you is truth or a lie. You're doing yourself a great disservice to see this man as your safe spot in the world. This is an illusion.

FWBs are meant to be temporary, so this looks like a watershed moment whereas the end should now happen. You're upset enough to write on a forum about him, questioning if he no longer wants you around. So that's the point you should realize you're getting too emotionally invest in him. You're not understanding that being friends with him will drive away any new dating prospects, who won't be comfortable with you hanging out with an ex FWB. And if you think he won't completely cut you off when he gets a gf, you're very naive. Best to free yourself now. It's the right time.