I (f37) feel lost with anxiety attacks and fears and I can't find a way out of it. I have brought the situation to an extreme point and I'm totally aware this is my fault so I'm dealing with a constant guilt. I really hope to find answers that will help me find a way out of this.
I am not from the United States. When I was 19 I met my husband (m45). It was mutual love, it quickly developed into a relationship and when I was 20 we got married. My husband is 8 years older than me, at the beginning of our relationship there was a certain dynamic that he knows and understands more, has more experience, the "older" one. I looked at him from the bottom up, I avoided conflicts, I kept a lot to myself. But despite that I was happy. I loved him, he loved me, and it seems to me that it will always be that way. I looked at my husband as a superhero even after 10 years of marriage even though there were a lot of things that i didn't like. I thought all i have to do is "to suck it up". When I was 22 our daughter was born, I became more confident in myself, the difference in experience and age was no longer felt so much, and overall I was happy in our marriage. There was one significant conflict in our marriage - my husband wanted us to have more kids, to have a big family, but I didn't want any more. During the pregnancy, birth, care and parenting I did not get the support I needed from him, in everything related to our daughter I always had the feeling that I was alone. It was always me and our daughter and my husband busy with his own interests. So I was not ready to have more kids.
And so, after 10 years of marriage, my husband began to physically distance himself from me. He started avoiding any physical intimacy with me. During this time, he went through a difficult period that was related to his health, so I did not take the lack of intimate relations between us seriously, I fully supported him and we went through all the difficulties with his health together. It wasn't that important to me because we were still emotionally close. We always had different sexual temperaments, I always needed more intimacy, but I suppressed it and didn't allow myself to think about it, because emotionally we were close, and that was the main thing for me.
When his health issues were resolved, I believed that our intimacy would return. But it only got worse, he avoided physical intimacy and emotional as well. He got very distant, he was always distant but now it was a real cold treatment. For two years I tried to get everything back, I asked him multiple times what is going on, i suggested a couple therapy, I tried everything to bring back the sexual relationship between us. It took me 2 years to fight for his attention. I took the initiative and offered everything I could. But he became more and more distant. He would explain it because of his health condition (but I knew everything about his health condition because I was responsible for his process in treatment, and this was not the reason for the lack intimate and emotional relationships). Our sexual relationship stopped when I was 32, when I decided to myself that I could no longer take the initiative and be rejected again and again. He avoided talking about it, we acted like everything was fine, but it was like an elephant in the middle of the room. I became depressed, I felt unattractive and ugly. I realized that my beloved man was rejecting me again and again. I still wanted our intimacy, it drove me crazy, he was the only man in my life I wanted. He was my first and only man, and he rejected me. After a prolonged depression, I slowly started to come to my senses. But I stopped feeling anything towards my husband. We finally had an open conversation in which he explained that he felt offended by the fact that I'm not ready to have more kids. I still loved him, but as a relative. I no longer wanted his touch, I even felt uncomfortable if he touched me. I had a huge pain towards him, which now, after 5 years, has already passed, and only a calm and detached attitude remains.
I thought about divorce, but our daughter was 10 years old at the time, and in the end I decided that I had to save our family and our home for her sake. As soon as I lost interest in my husband, all the conflicts ended, and we had an easy and friendly atmosphere. He was busy with his own stuff, didn't show any interest in mine so we got distant. But our daughter was happy at home, and I was firmly convinced that this was the right decision. I had a difficult but open conversation that I no longer want an intimate relationship with him because after a few years he tried to bring it back to our relationship but for me it was already lost.
But it led to me meeting a man (M31). It was an innocent conversation on the Internet through a language learning app. He was from the US. Our communication developed quickly, we quickly plunged into emotions. Everything between us was sudden and dramatic. At the time I was very greedy for that attention, with a hurt needy ego. Our relationship quickly moved to a romantic level. We never met in reality and this relationship remained virtual only. After two months after we met he suddenly disappeared, which made me sad and I was hurt again. I was definitely not well emotionally when I met this man, and when he suddenly disappeared, it only got worse.
A few months later, I met and befriended another man (M38) with whom I developed a very close friendship. This communication was also virtual, because he lived in another country. This communication became a very safe place where I finally felt comfortable healing my condition. I managed to come to my senses, we built a relationship of trust and I began to understand myself better. And that led to the fact that after a while romantic feelings arose between us. I was happy. And suddenly, a few months later, the guy who had suddenly disappeared before appeared. And from that moment on, I can definitely say that my mind went crazy and that's where I split into 3 parts.
There were 3 parts of me that somehow co-existed. With each of the men (my husband , my American friend and the supportive friend) I was honest in my feelings and words, I loved all three, but in different ways. This completely crazy and wild story lasted for 5 years. I tried to break this cycle, but I couldn't. I was tormented, two men knew about this situation and were also tormented. It definitely damaged my soul and my mind.
3 months ago I moved with my daughter to another country, where my supportive friend lives (I moved not because of him, I've been planning this long time before we met). And now I feel under terrible pressure, and I did what I intuitively felt was right - I removed myself from the relationships. I broke up with my American man, i changed my relationship with my supportive man to a friendly level. I became even more distant from my husband, who stayed at home on his own accord (but I'm ready whenever he wants to help him move here).
Summary of my situation:
The separation from my American friend brings me daily pain. I broke up with him because he never became "real" in my life, even though I dreamed of it. I saw a future with him, I wanted us to be "real". We never met, he was always distant and didn't particularly let me into his life and had no real influence on mine. At the same time, he always made plans together for the future, that he wants to marry me, that he loves me, that i mean the world to him. I believed it, but after i moved to another country 3 months ago, the difference between fantasy and reality became clear. In reality, he did not provide me with any support, neither emotional, nor physical. I told him multiple times before that i need his attention and support, that I'm suffering in a cold distant relationship. But even though he tried, it wad never enough for me. I wanted him to be real for me, not only as an online boyfriend. And as a result I started to feel terribly stressed about him. But after the breakup I just panicked. The colors have faded, I feel like a person with an addiction without the desired dose. And I feel guilty for our breakup, he was very afraid of our breakup and now I feel like I betrayed him, because I promised it would never happen. Feeling guilty again.
My supportive friend, on the other hand, is super supportive. I have never received such support from anyone. Emotionally, practically and financially, he is always here for me. He is willing to accept any form of our relationship, just to be with me. He is married so we have no way to have a full future. But with him I can be myself and I feel at home with him.
My husband has become a family member for me, I don't share my feelings and emotions with him, i solve all my problems without him, he never ask about how am i doing. Only few formal questions and that's all. I wish him only happiness, I'm getting to the understanding that one day we will get divorced, when our daughter grows up. But I'm afraid of this step because he used to say how he can't live without me and our kid, that we belong to each other.
All this brought me to a constant feeling of guilt towards everyone. I had severe anxiety attacks that started to fade after breaking up with my American friend. But now I'm in a new depression and I realize that I put myself in this situation. And the fear of loneliness, the fear of the future, the fear of whether I will be able to provide a good life in this country for myself and my daughter weighs on my shoulders.
How to overcome my obsession with my American friend I broke up with, I still love him passionately.
How can I build a relationship with my supportive married friend, who I also love and who only gives me support and love and doesn't demand anything in return, as long as it's good for me.
And what is the right thing to do with my husband, whom I also love as a relative.
In relationships I constantly act from the position of a scared little girl. I want to get out of this situation and to feel that I can be enough for myself and can choose what makes me happy. I am lost and scared of the situation I got into and how I allowed such a thing to happen. And most importantly, what should I do next?
