Andrina

That is upsetting, when you invest years in someone, hoping for a happy lifetime together, and then everything falls apart. Can I ask what your life is like besides having a partner? Do you have guy friends? Do you have a hobby? What's your ideal of the amount of intimacy you'd like in a week's time? Have you ever been called a people pleaser? Did you and your partner have group friends or other couples you've hung out with? What did you two do together for outings? I'm just trying to see a bigger picture to give better advice. But yes, relationships are like a houseplant. If it's ignored, it will die. But no, it's not normal for couples who care enough for both to be happy.

I skimmed through after the beginning since you wrote a novel. You can see the pattern, that her sisters still live at home at ages they should've left and don't have partners. So your gf is showing she's not really a romantic partner with you, failing to be intimate during an entire year, and has not taken steps to move away from the family home. What you see is what you get. Don't ever stay when you will only be happy if things CHANGE in a major way. The knowledge of the present is fact. To risk your heart on an iffy, hopeful future is foolhardy. I'd get out now before investing any more time into nowhere-land.

I've never had a roommate, but I know of two people who roomed with friends and they ended up becoming enemies. So many things you have to be on the same page about, which is more rare than common. When you answer what you want resolved, perhaps we can give better advice.

When we are not happy in the present, we sometimes look to the past to find it, but it's never there. It sounds like the feeling you're seeking, of being cared for, is encompassed in that showing by a caress of your cheek. Not necessarily the particular human, whom you spent a few hours with. In each of those dating experiences, you've learned more about yourself--what you seek in a relationship and what you reject. This all hasn't been a waste of time. Since it sounds like you now would like to be in a good relationship, maybe change up the ways you meet women. Join some Meetup.com groups. Do volunteer work. Take classes: dancing, cooking, painting, pottery. Join a co-ed sports team. You often have to date a boatload before finding the keeper. Good luck.

Two unethical people thinking they can build a beautiful fairytale romance on a bed of toxic fumes, and then they're shocked when it all blows up in their faces. It doesn't take a crystal ball to know that's your future, if she amped up her game with you. Too dumb. A bombshell when you're a single man and free to date anyone, and on top of that, she's mostly been ignoring you? This is really delusional and you're giving this a lot more weight than it warrants. The fact you felt great satisfaction when she mentioned the word jealous--a regular siren luring a desperate sailor to be smashed upon the rocks. Wow.

You've made yourself very clear to her. Speaking for myself, I'd feel cornered if you asked again. I believe she was being passive and hoping the lack of firm plans would never materialize and fade away. She knows she will regularly see you at events, so is trying to avoid awkwardness in plainly saying she's not interested. She's not shy. You've made it clear you're interested. She knows the ball is in her court, and she purposely avoided a coffee date by not accepting your request of informing you of an optimal date. Her behavior when seeing you was maybe her overcompensating for the difficulty of the whole situation. Instead of feeling like you've been left hanging, I'd take this as a solid "no." I'm sorry that this isn't working out as you wish. I, too, had a huge crush on someone and later on found out it was best I'd never gotten together with him, since he drank too much. That's something I wasn't aware of at the time. But fate had someone else great in store for me. Sometimes we have to have faith that things don't happen for good reason, and we find out later why. Take care.

I counted about four times of effort from your side, and zero on hers. Her being friendly to you, even with a hug, so socially common in these days, doesn't mean she shares your romantic interest. You've done enough. In your shoes, I'd keep the ball in her court. I doubt she's truly interested because I'm a woman, and I certainly wouldn't let these golden opportunities pass me by if I was into a guy. Try not to grasp for straws, and put yourself on ice while she's traveling, believing she'd date you if it weren't for this. I'd emotionally move on, and if she reaches out at some point, it will be a nice surprise and you could accept if you're still single. For now, I'd move on.

I'd say you have a good plan. Keep the effort similar to hers, and then have a personal timeline of when you'll walk away if this thing between you two never takes off like you'd like.

I imagine you would get opinions agreeing with your decision or disagreeing, but it's not like that will help you out now. What you should be paying attention to is that she didn't care to stick around because of this one issue of your opposite viewpoints. Couples will disagree about certain things throughout their relationship. There are healthy ways to do so. In her case, maybe it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Or maybe it was just bound to happen because LDRs have a high risk of failure because it's a very difficult way to be in a relationship. Too expensive. Too much time apart, and then too much time together when it's not the normal pace of dating. And some don't have an optimum timeframe to close the distance. I'm sorry you're hurting.

Yes, sometimes people fall into emotional affairs, and very often with a co-worker, when there is a lack of an emotional connection with their primary partner. Even if there is no physical cheating or flirting, the amount of time and emotional energy you're pouring into each other is not healthy for yourselves, and obviously, a betrayal of your spouse/partner. So either decide to divorce or to work on your marriage. In either case, it's best to be up front with the "work spouse." Such as: I've decided I'm going to work on building the relationship back with my spouse, and to do that, we'll have to go no contact and just be pleasant to each other at work--no more time spent together. Really, it should be the same if you're getting a divorce, because when you eventually want to date again and your co-worker is still married, you'll never properly be able to bond with a new love, plus, a new love will rarely be that dumb to not know you're too involved with a co-worker and make a quick exit from you. Good luck.

This activity will make the pool of women willing to date you smaller, just so you're aware. I wouldn't have dated my husband if he'd been in regular contact with his ex for chats that didn't pertain to their shared child.

At this point, I didn't have to read any further. The fact you didn't block him at that point is mindboggling. Please don't date again until you've worked on your self-worth and learned to identify huge red flags waving in your face. When you lack self-love, you attract and accept toxic people.

Don't put in more effort than you're getting. That's the best way to gauge interest. Doesn't matter how shy someone is or that they don't like messaging or messaging first. A person who is into you won't let a golden opportunity slip them by. I'd stop initiating texts unless he does it at least half the time. Let him approach you at the work event. Don't be some overeager puppy.

When that happens, unfortunately, it means he didn't care enough to repair anything that he thought should be improved. When people are in love, they will communicate how they want the relationship to improve, and give that time to happen. When a person doesn't care, they bail. If there was nothing he thought you should do to fix things, then perhaps it was the case he stopped putting in effort, and therefore didn't care if his feelings were dying. Sadly, as Dr. Phil said, Recent past behavior predicts future behavior. If he bailed in that blindsiding way, once the reconciliation high ran its course, he'd be likely to bail again. The best thing you can do is let time do its healing. It doesn't happen overnight. In my case, I wouldn't stop thinking of a man daily for a good 4 to 6 months after a break up. I'm glad you're finding some fulfillment in your activities. Take care.

None of those things are good reasons to rush too quickly into moving in together. Better to accept the challenges you two presently have in dating each other, as far as busy schedules and bills, than to go to another level you're not ready for yet. Enjoy missing each other when apart, making the time together that more special, and get to know one another at minimum another six months before moving in together if everything continues going well. What's his relationship history been like during his 20 years of dating? What do your family and friends think of him?

Well, that's one thing likely false, as why wouldn't an attractive firefighter who probably has no problems finding women to date just break up with you if you weren't enough? Since you don't know whether to take him at face value or believe he could have another reason that he's hiding from you, it's a case in point that you have a lot more to learn about him before making major decisions like moving in together after only 6 months. What's your big hurry? You're only a few months beyond the honeymoon period. It takes time to learn if there are any skeletons in the closet if there are any, and if a person treats you well or not in the long term. Never make major decisions until knowing a person at minimum, a year, and preferably longer. Because it's much easier to break up, if warranted, when you're not living together. It takes a strong foundation to withstand the new step of living together, which might sound fun, but adapting to that new norm can be stressful and be a make or break situation. I hope everything works out the way you want it to.

So this woman was a brief, fun fling. You never experienced her through all the realities a long term relationship entails, such as the ex you lived with. So you've really only held the fantasy of this woman when in reality, you never even scratched the surface of who she is. Your head is still up in the clouds about her because you cannot see that a married woman who tries to begin a new romance without first ending the relationship she's in, is unethical, mentally unhealthy, and an extremely poor risk to your heart. Even if she got a divorce tomorrow, she and her children would need at least a good year without her distracted with dating, for them all to get used to the new dynamic of a changed family. If she did become single, you know her poor ethics, so do you really think you're so special that when things got rocky with you, she wouldn't be reaching out to another man? How is it that you feel good about yourself, accepting communication from a taken woman that wouldn't be happening if her husband was listening in, and meeting up with her for hugs. My suggestion, which you likely will balk at, but you will end up regretting if you don't take the advice: Block her. Don't date her if she becomes single because she does stuff behind her man's back. And then amp up your own dating life, pulling out all the stops. OLD, Meetup.com groups, lessons in dance or cooking or painting. Do volunteer work. Dating is a numbers game and if you're serious about finding a lifetime partner, it's like a part time job. Realize what you always thought would be a magical life with her was pure fantasy. Start living in the real world. Good luck.

The right person for you will expand your world, not minimize it. I'm sure when you think about what red flags he showed you at the beginning, it has given you insight in to what to avoid in men in the future. How about you actually make a written list of must-haves in a partner and dealbreakers, and then stick to it when you one day are ready to date again? That should ease your anxiety about dating in the future. It's normal to be upset with a breakup and still have feelings for a while, even if the person wasn't a good partner. Give yourself permission to feel bad for a while to mourn, but don't let it last too long. When you pamper yourself, do enjoyable things with friends and family, and work on making your life the way you want it to be, you will eventually get to a point you where you won't think of him on a daily basis. That would normally take me about 4 to 6 months. I'd text him that for your own good, you're going no contact, and there will be no reconciliation. And then block him before he can respond. I know that's hard for you, but not blocking him will keep the door open to his manipulation. And then I'd probably make myself scarce because with his controlling ways, he will try to track you down. Take care of yourself.

If you haven't set some rules for yourself in OLD, it's better late than never. I know I did back when I was single and on OLD. I chose not to date anyone who lived more than an hour away. It's a lot cheaper. It's much quicker to vette people. I had to go on dates with about 30 guys over a period of two and a half years before I found a keeper. If I had to do all that vetting with 30 long distance guys, I'd have spent thousands and more to meet them, and taking 30 times longer to get through that list. What a huge waste of precious time. People who reach out from far away either have secrets or they're so emotionally messed up, their local prospects have all dried up, or they can't handle the reality of what a local relationship entails. Only twice did I give in to guys who lived one and a half hours away. Both were disastrous experiences. Good to learn from others experiences. I say to block her and stick to local dating.

Well, people disappoint me all the time. I just decide as time goes along if the good outweighs the bad whether to stay in the person's life or not, or lessen the interactions. When it's family, it's a little more complicated whereas I won't be cutting off the person, but in most cases, the majority of my relatives live far away and my physical time with them is limited. Yeah, it's incomprehensible why some people act the way they do. Not much you can do but shake your head about it, or try to get answers with a discussion. Good luck with that discussion.

That's awfully strange. When there was no deal breaker, that you speak of, anyway, instead of working on whatever issue there was, you both bailed. That means neither of you were really that into each other to begin with. Perhaps nothing else is going on for either of you at the moment in the romance department, so an iffy thing where you're paying some attention to each other is better than nothing, and filling a void until someone you're each crazy about comes along. When things just don't click as they should, perhaps realize this isn't a powerful connection that should exist when choosing a partner. You mention she lack in the communication area, and that bothers you. In your shoes, I'd end the friendship as it won't be respectful to a new romantic partner to be in communication with someone you dated for several months, and had a close friendship with for so long.

That a sort of voyeurism, objectifying women, don't you think? This should be a fun time for the both of you. Not full of these regular arguments. People with bad traits can have good traits, too. But if the bad traits are dealbreakers, best not to invest any more time. And yes, some friendships can transfer well into moving into a romance, but not always. A good partner eases your troubles instead of creating them. I suggest moving on.

Wow, the poor children, who could be exposed to yet another toxic adult brought into their lives by a a toxic parent. They just can't win. If you think letting your children be around a woman who is on a sugar daddy site as being healthy for them, you don't deserve custody of your kids either. My advice is to be without female companionship until you receive and benefit from psychiatric care while concentrating on your children, as they need full support, without you being distracted by a sugar baby, through all these custody issues. If you can't do that, consider a loving family member who will be better guardians to your children. Instead of spending money on a prostitute, get some counseling for your children since they've been abused in every way possible. You've been spending hours typing about a woman who exchanges money for sex instead of spending time with your kids. Your priorities are really screwed up.

Well, you stick around after talking blue in the face about how he has crossed boundaries, so obviously you do accept it, otherwise you'd be gone by now. Communication hasn't worked, and decent people put their own boundaries in place, even when a partner isn't around to see and hear what is happening. Whenever I became exclusive with someone, I made sure we were on the same page with relationship boundaries, and told them the consequences if they were broken. Such as: I don't give second chances for cheating. If it happens once, I'm done. Even if your bf promised to never do that again, doesn't it already sicken you that he behaved in this manner? Enough to no longer think of him as a prized, longterm partner?

I don't know how far apart you two live, but I'm assuming it's a few hours drive or more. A few downsides to this is that relationships that start as long distance have a high risk of failure because the dating is not done at a normal pace--too much time apart and then the times together are too long since one is visiting and it's normally jarring to go from not being together to 24/7 for days or weeks all at once. People in college normally have heavy loads of schoolwork so how to fit that in with an LDR would make that even more difficult. At your age, aren't you meeting large groups of guys your age where you live? If not, why not? I agree with Wiseman that you'll find dating locally easier and more enjoyable.