tryingnottobeajerk

I normally would agree with most of the feedback, what makes it more confusing for me, is she initiated these conversations the last 2 weeks. She's the one who came back after a month of no-contact in September. She's the one who promised to not shut down on me for more than 2-3 days at a time. She's the one who said we could/should work towards a relationship, that she just couldn't do one today while I was still married/finishing my divorce, and while she's finishing off some circumstances on her side. She actually said she could do one in November, she gave me a timeline. She volunteered that she had feelings, not me asking her. She volunteered that she was exclusive with me, not me asking her, both of those within the last week, which is why it makes even less sense for everything this week for me; why volunteer that information if its not true? It doesn't make sense to me, because as you guys have all pointed out, she has no reason to be with me, unless she actually has feelings. There's no/very little financial incentive right now. Most of our "dates" aren't even financial - she prefers not to do dinner, and instead prefers to go to the gym with me, on walks, hangout at the house, nature activities. If we do go "out" for a lunch, she usually eats just an appetizer, or splits a meal with me. For dinner, its the same, we usually each order a drink, split an appetizer, and a meal, and we do things....that are cheaper, local restaurants, she prefers them, most of our lunch and dinner bills are like...15-40$, we're not breaking bank here. She lives in the country, I live in the city, she has almost no neighbors out where she lives, and nothing to do, its an almost hour drive, she works 10 hour shifts, overnight, and drives back and forth, plus visits me/hangs out with me for 3-4 hours at a time, plus an extra 30 minutes out of her way, the days she's hanging out with me, she literally would have no time for another person, maybe an arrangement/sex, which is where I got concerned, but certainly not another relationship/situationship; especially since she's also studying for a certification program she's taking, and spending time with her family. I mostly know this, I know I probably just have jealousy/insecurity, I also found out today, that she apparently was only active on the sugar daddy site for a single day, and hadn't been active since march otherwise, a single day is still concerning, its enough time to get a phone number or whatever, or what was she doing? unless someone sent her a wishlist item, or she was checking messages, or I don't know, it just didn't feel good, but a single day is better than her being on there for the past 3 months... The way I lashed out at her back in August, the things I didn't tell her, the behaviors I had that were anxious, she had no reason to come back to me. In fact I thought she was gone, multiple times during those breaks; yet she came back, and forgave me, and doesn't want the finances. She says she enjoys hanging out with me/wants to be with me. She just gets overwhelmed/scared easily. With her current life circumstances she has a lot going on, and she's afraid of my ex too who is/was abusive, and dangerous to myself and the kids. And she's afraid of some dangerous people from her past.

Actually, I do, I know what her long-term and short-term goals are, she's shared them with me, and talked to me about them, I know all her family's names, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, mother, father, brother, etc. I know her brother's girlfriend's name, the names of the people she works for. She's told me their birthdays, their relationship histories, her relationship histories, her ex's names, I have her address, I know the nursing home her grandmother is at, I know her friends names and where they live and her history with them and how many kids they have. I know what books she reads, what music she listens to, what movies she watches, which TikTok and YouTuber's she follows. I know what comedy she likes, and her favorite and least favorite foods. I know which jewelry and comic book characters she likes, and video games she likes, I know her favorite candies and flavors of soda. I know where she has and hasn't travelled, where she dreams of going, and her dreams in general of the type of place, house, everything she wants to live in. I know the intricacies and details of her relationships with her family, their good history, and bad history, and where she wants them to go and why. I know her favorite cartoons and TV shows, what triggers her, and what doesn't trigger her, in both good and bad ways. I know her favorite snack foods, what types of clothes she likes to wear. I do know her; we've talked for hours in a single day without stopping or running out of things to talk about, and doing nothing but talking. I try to be incredibly careful with how I treat her, I know I have issues from my previous relationship, but I work on them actively, I try to always be extremely respectful, and thankful for everything, apologize quickly if I do something that's off. Finances are barely part of the picture anymore, I do things like fill her gas tank for her, or pay for our dates when we take them, it's not an exchange at all. We've had sex only once in the last 3 months. She's not afraid to call me out on my issues, and we work towards healing/fixing both of our past issues together; she's remarkably mature and well-informed for her age. I'm definitely not trying to take advantage of her here. She's an avoidant attachment style, and I try everything I can do to make her feel comfortable, and give her space, to feel safe, and again; when we don't have a major issue, things are good. We've only had "major" issues 4 times now, in 7 months, including this one, and 3 of them were my side/my fault, that I owned up to, took responsibility for, and apologized for. Even in this issue, I've already owned up and took responsibility for and apologized for my anxious behavior on Monday, and have since given her space, and been nothing but kind in the last message I sent. In regards to my marriage, my ex and I separated 7 years ago...she abused my kids, physically, emotionally, and mentally. The only reason we're not divorced yet today, is because the custody order I have today is temporary, while I continue to fight for full custody, my ex has criminal charges against her, the kids don't want to live with her, and were surprised it's taken this long, they recognize the marriage was over and has been dead for years too.

I'm in a complicated "situationship" with a 22 year old girl, and I'm 38. We originally met in a sugar-baby/sugar-daddy type relationship, while I was going through a separation and she was going through some rough financial times. We ended up seeing each other exclusively, since we met in March. Of course originally the relationship was all about sex, but somewhere in late May and June it shifted, we started having several hour long conversations, and bonding, and meeting more frequently, 3-5 times per week. She got pregnant in June, due to a variety of reasons, including medical reasons, she decided upon an abortion and we are no longer having a kid. During that time though, we stopped having sex, and started just talking, in person, via text and on the phone, like 4-6 times per week, and picked up a really solid bond. In July she decided she wanted me in her life regardless if I could help financially or not, and we continued to grow our bond. I filed for divorce in August (for unrelated reasons, the marriage was over way before I met this girl), and moved out officially in July, and she started seeing me at my house. I have 3 kids, 50-50, and she lives at home with her parents and her brother. She lives almost an hour away, and works an overnight shift; overall though, this is great, because I work from home, and she can come see me during the day when the kids aren't around or before work, when they're in bed. Because my divorce is not finalized yet and due to the age-gap, and several situations on both sides (like her borrowing a car from her parents, and working for a family friend, etc.) we've currently kept things under wraps, and she's said she can't do a relationship or feelings right now. However, she did commit to not going back to a sugar-baby type relationship, said she was seeing me exclusively, and planned to, and that we could take baby steps, and work towards a relationship one day at a time. She agreed to date me, try to call me daily; has told me she cares a lot about me, and my feelings in late September, and wants to see me happy and not hurt, we hug, we kiss, she seems open for sex still, though we haven't had any due to circumstances since August. I help her a bit here and there financially, but we're not doing exchanges/there's no expectation on either side, or communication about dollar amounts or things I want/need from her for the finances I occasionally help with. We talk really well, our times are intimate, the dates are great, overall and we agreed in October to just casual dating from now until November/December when we'd consider a more traditional relationship as we cleared circumstances and divorce. However, we have a few issues, I tend to be an anxious attachment style, she tends to be an avoidant; when things are good, this is mostly fine, we're both emotionally available, and have high levels of emotional intelligence, discuss our feelings, and talk well, and have never lashed out at each other, even once, or taken to insulting each other, even when we've had issues with each other or gone through major things together; overall, it's a healthy conflict resolution dynamic, when we see each other, or actually talk. However, she has a tendency to shut down, for days, sometimes, even weeks at a time. She's only done it 3 times to date, once for 10 days, again for 8 days, and again for a month, and is in the middle of another one now that has lasted 4 days so far. The first three times she shut down, I had did some dumb stuff, and she took me back and forgave me, and was willing to move forward. This time, however feels different; I had put a calendar reminder on myself to check the sugar-daddy/sugar baby website we met on; I had deleted my profile and had to create a temporary profile even to check, and I almost didn't do it, it felt....wrong, almost to check. But I did, and when I did check her profile, I found she was active this week, and not just active, online, for several hours one day; this of course, seems to contradict that she said she wouldn't go back to the site, and that she wouldn't talk to other guys. To add to that confusion and hurt on my side, she didn't talk to me for almost all of September, but in the middle of September supposedly made some....suggestive videos for me; they were non-nude, but suggestive, except, she didn't communicate with me almost entirely in September, for almost 2 weeks before or after the date the videos were made, so it...feels off/wrong. In fact, her not seeing me for all of September, felt wrong, off, I had thought it was over, and then she suddenly reappeared in late September and agreed to all the above, the dating, talking daily, she mentioned she cared for me, and I was the only one in her life, I didn't even ask, she volunteered that information; knowing we weren't in a relationship and that 2 months ago she had said she couldn't do feelings, and was still reiterating now, that she didn't consider us in a relationship. It's confusing, because we hangout, we hug, we kiss, we date, we hold hands, we're supposedly moving in that direction (her words, not mine), and exclusive, that feels like a "relationship" to me, but she says no, and then, the above issues. It seems like she's playing me, except, I know her schedule, I know she doesn't have a lot of free time, I know her feelings are fragile, she's shared very intimate details of past relationships, family, friends with me, names, photos, addresses, birthdays, details, you wouldn't share with anyone except a very close friend, or a relationship partner. Something's not adding up, and doesn't make sense, but I don't quite know what it is. On Monday, my anxious mode took over when I found out, I called/texted her a bunch of times, in a frantic, hurt, manner; not angry, just hurt; so she shut down. Now though, it's Thursday, I haven't heard from her since Sunday, haven't seen her since Saturday, we haven't had a date in almost two weeks, she's shut down completely, and I've stopped texting her/being anxious, I cut that off immediately, I sent her 1 message on Tuesday, apologizing, and two yesterday, reminding her that she promised not to shut down again, and that despite me being hurt, if she wanted to talk about this later, we could just resume our normal dating/hangout/communication, that we'd need to talk about my concerns and the stuff I found, but it could wait, a few days, or a few weeks, but we should reconnect, regardless of the issues. For someone who supposedly cares if I'm hurt, that I've been hurt for days now, she hasn't checked in at all, called me, not a single text; and I know its all overwhelming to her, but it hurts. And I still have questions, why have we not had sex for the last 2 months, if she's ok with putting herself back out there? Why did she say she would leave the site, and not go back to it, and then be back on it for several hours? Why did she not delete her profile like I did? Why whenever she gets a phone call at my house, and it's just the two of us, and I'm dead silent, she leaves and takes it and talks outside? Why is she constantly paranoid to be caught on date, claiming it's because of my ex, and my life; which yes, would be complicated and awkward, but I can deal with it, and have already once. Why can't we have any kind of regular schedule, and have to figure things out day by day, even if we do figure out 3-5 days per week usually? We've been together seven months. She's mentioned a major skeleton in her closet, and I already know 99% of the worst things I can think of, and she won't talk about it, it seems like she wants to, but she clams up and won't, and I can't rack my brain what could be worst than the things I already know in both our lives? She says she's not ready for a relationship today, because she still has to work on herself, and she'd just end up hurting me, and she doesn't want to do that; but why does she think she'd hurt me? Am I wrong? Am I the *** here? I get that she feels pressure to go into a relationship, and says its ok, even though I go out of my way to try to avoid pressuring her, because she wants it too, and recognizes we need to go in that direction, just that we can't do it today. I get that I have the anxious attachment style, and will text her 3-6 times, to her 1 response, that I initiate most of the plans/do most of the planning; and I've been working on it (3 months ago, I'd text her 30 times to her 1 response). I get that my anxiety/pushing/dumping the issue I found on her on Monday like that is overwhelming and she freezes and doesn't know how to respond, but I had one day, that I was hurt, and got anxious, and I got it under control, for the next 3 days, and now nothing? And I'm not texting her more, or calling her more, but I'm wondering more and more if I'm investing more than I should, emotionally, mentally. It hurts to be hurting, and not get a response; and I actually respect she didn't respond on Monday when I was anxious and emotionally charged, maybe even Tuesday, but it's Thursday now, I feel like she should reach out.

The main issue here appears to be a lack of clear boundaries between your husband, his ex-wife, and their interactions. It's important to define what is acceptable and what isn't in your relationship. Encourage your husband to have a candid conversation with his ex-wife about setting boundaries. They should establish limits on when and how they interact to ensure it doesn't negatively impact your marriage. Emphasize the importance of transparency in your relationship. Suggest that he communicates openly with you about any interactions he has with his ex-wife to build trust.