My husband helps his ex A LOT

[emotionalcheating]

They talk most weeks and typically more than once a week.  She has a disabled daughter that he loves very much and I understand his desire to help, but I think it's to the point where they are both being very disrespectful of me.  He does all sorts of work at their apartment, and work at the new apartment is already under way.  Tonight she called him at 10PM to ask his opinion about something.  IE:  She wanted to see if she could do something she wants done.  She asked the maintenance guys, but they want to charge her and she knows my husband will do it for free.  She asks him for help or advice on how to proceed what feels like constantly to me.  He helped her move from one apartment to another while I was at work.  He spend 1/2 day after bringing her lunch packing her apartment until about 5:00 pm and all day the next day with her, her disabled daughter and another daughter packing and moving things and also took everyone out to eat lunch for a break.  I don't think he's cheating, but I feel that the potential is there.  I feel that they still treat each other as spouses and it upsets me.  He took the daughter to the doctor one day and she called and had them meet her for lunch and they did.  He didn't ask or tell me about it until I asked him where he and the daughter went to lunch and then he said they met the ex wife.  He was supposed to be taking the daughter to the doctor and putting together a dresser for her, so since that didn't get that done, he had to go back the next day and finish.  She has asked him to bring her some lunch to her job, saying she couldn' t get away to get food, and he has complied on two occassions that I'm aware of.  Her job is within 15 minutes of our house.   He says I should trust him and it's childish for me to get upset, but I can't help the way I feel.  Am I being childish?  I know he loves the daughter very much and I know she requires a lot of assistance and I know that him making things easier for the ex makes things easier for the daughter as well, but I still feel that they are inconsiderate of my feelings and her asking him to bring her or meet her for lunch is way overboard....  Be truthful with me - if I'm being childish let me know. 

[poorlittlefish]

She's his ex and the daughter is not his.  There is no actual reason why he must have any involvement in either of their lives, but he is choosing to do so, to the extent where it he seems to be prioritising them over you.  He has poor boundaries and a lack of respect for your feelings.  I couldn't put up with that kind of situation.  It sounds like the ex is hoping that if she can manufacture enough reasons not to stand on her own two feet, then they will get back together.  Y

our boyfriend should be saying no to everything other than occasionally taking the daughter out, but he's choosing to keep her in his life as much as possible.  If he prefers to continue acting as maintenance man, taxi, waiter and everything else to this woman, then end the relationship because nothing will change and you will get hurt. 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, emotionalcheating said:

He says I should trust him and it's childish for me to get upset, but I can't help the way I feel.  Am I being childish? 

No, not at all. 

I can understand him wanting to remain connected to the daughters if they view him as a father figure, but he is far too involved with and attached to his ex-wife. It is simply not appropriate, and incredibly disrespectful to your marriage. 

Has it always been like this, and if so, why did you marry him? How long have you two been married, and how long had been divorced when you met? 

[Lambert]

5 hours ago, emotionalcheating said:

He says I should trust him and it's childish f

this is gaslighting.

Do you have kids together? What was it like before you married? Were you together long before you married? how long have they been divorced? 

If you have no children together, I'd leave.  There's no way I'd stay married to a man that is so disconnected from me. What's the point?

It's not how I view marriage should be.  And if the man isn't in the same page on what our marriage is and then when I voice how I feel about it, I'm the childish one?

No. polygamy is not for me. 

[Kwothe28]

I think he is acting like he is her daughters dad. Which maybe wouldnt be an issue if they were still together and that he is her stepdad. But he is not her stepdad and he has nothing with her mother and is in fact married to you. Which yes, does make it hugely innapropriate. And no, you are not childish for thinking that it is.

[lostandhurt]

Your feelings on this are perfectly valid so don't let him trick you into thinking otherwise.

He is such a doormat for her why did they end their relationship?  Seems like he is at her beck and call so why breakup?

 Boundaries are very important in any relationship and your husband needs to start setting some with his ex.

Taking the daughter to the doctor is fine but bringing his ex lunch is way out of bounds. 

Lost

[shouldhavelearned]

Have a talk and see what comes of it.

If it's not something you can both agree with, maybe it's time to separate.

[Andrina]

Even if someone told you shouldn't feel upset, you cannot pretend to feel good about it, and magically feel okay. And if you told him to stop his behavior, he will resent you or sneak around behind your back so he doesn't have to hear your complaints.

You already told him you were upset and his behavior hasn't changed, so other than going to marriage counseling to see if a non-partial professional can get through to him, there's nothing more you can do. So it's that or get divorced, because when you're upset more than satisfied, you're in the wrong relationship. Good luck.

[emotionalcheating]

Thanks everyone.  We have only been married for almost 3 years, which is why I hesitate,I guess.  They were not in our lives until recently.  I don't know what the falling out was about, but seems as if it's over.  Wish I would have known before.  We've been toghether for 4 and a half years, and they just came back into the picture recently.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, emotionalcheating said:

  We've been toghether for 4 and a half years, and they just came back into the picture recently.

Why are they "back in the picture"?  Did they recently move near you? Are the children his? How long has he been divorced?  Have you asked him why he started playing husband to her again? It's not really about "emotional cheating", however it is time to ask him if he wants to be your husband or hers if he's devoting so much time to her and her children. 

[SooSad33]

On 10/8/2023 at 2:02 AM, emotionalcheating said:

He helped her move from one apartment to another while I was at work.  He spend 1/2 day after bringing her lunch packing her apartment until about 5:00 pm and all day the next day with her, her disabled daughter and another daughter packing and moving things and also took everyone out to eat lunch for a break.  I don't think he's cheating, but I feel that the potential is there.  I feel that they still treat each other as spouses and it upsets me.  He took the daughter to the doctor one day and she called and had them meet her for lunch and they did.  He didn't ask or tell me about it until I asked him where he and the daughter went to lunch and then he said they met the ex wife.  He was supposed to be taking the daughter to the doctor and putting together a dresser for her, so since that didn't get that done, he had to go back the next day and finish.  She has asked him to bring her some lunch to her job, saying she couldn' t get away to get food, and he has complied on two occassions that I'm aware of.  Her job is within 15 minutes of our house.   He says I should trust him and it's childish for me to get upset, but I can't help the way I feel.  Am I being childish?  I know he loves the daughter very much and I know she requires a lot of assistance and I know that him making things easier for the ex makes things easier for the daughter as well, but I still feel that they are inconsiderate of my feelings and her asking him to bring her or meet her for lunch is way overboard...

Yup, I agree, they are not done 😕 .

Then you need not be there in his life.  

IMO, it sounds like he's doing so much in his power to 'be there' for her again. And why?

( How the heck did she manage BEFORE him? I'm sure she managed okay!).

You should NOT have to remind this guy whom he's married to here!

As asked, how long were they together?  Were they together not long before you came along?

it could be that he's anxious & wanting to 'catch up' on what's been going on with them and once he's settled on that, he'll stop being at her every beck & call...

 

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, emotionalcheating said:

We've been toghether for 4 and a half years, and they just came back into the picture recently.

This puts a different (and even worse) spin on things. 

I was willing to sympathize that he might see her daughters as his own if he helped raise them, and thus want to stay in these young ladies' lives (not mom's) However, the fact that this has not always been the case and now he's back in full-force is worrisome. It speaks to an underlying desire to reconnect with his ex-wife when apparently they were doing just fine without each other. 

You need to put your foot down and stop letting him gaslight you. If he gives your grief, I would honestly suggest you re-evaluate this marriage. His heart and mind are already drifting away from you. 

How did this all happen, anyway? How, why, and when did the ex and her kids show up again in his life? 

[redswim30]

OP, you are NOT overreacting. 

I say this AS a stepparent, he is out of line.  It's one thing if he wants to remain in the daughter's life (even if she isn't his). 

However, there are still things going on that are not appropriate and would NOT be even if she was his daughter or stepdaughter. 

Meeting them for lunch to see the daughter is ONE thing.  That is acceptable, as long as you are okay with it. 

What is NOT appropriate are things like- 

1. Bringing his ex lunch at her workplace  

2. Helping his ex with chores around her house 

3. Helping her pack and move 

4. Calling him late at night (when it's not involving the child)

5. Keeping their meeting secret/not talking to you/asking you how you feel about it

ALL of these are totally inappropriate.   If my husband did these things with his ex-wife, I'd be upset!  Even if he wants to view this "co-parenting" or as in some way helping the daughter- it isn't!  This is relationship behavior.   

Yes, it's all good and well to say "Trust me", but that only applies if he isn't doing things that are actively lying to you, doing damage to your relationship, and generally being UNTRUSTWORTHY.  If what he was doing was above board, he wouldn't need to gaslight you and he KNOWS it.  

I don't a single woman that would feel "FINE" about her husband bringing his ex-wife lunch at her workplace.  If my husband did this and tried to frame it as "helping his kids"- I'd be pissed. This is NOT about the daughter and you KNOW it. 

You need to have a serious conversation.  You need to tell him that spending time with his ex-wife is not appropriate.  Bringing her lunch has nothing to do with wanting to stay in the daughter's life.   If he tries to gaslight you, you need to tell him clearly and calmly, "This is making me feel like you are prioritizing your ex wife over me, your current wife.  I am upset that you are not considering my feelings and how detrimental this is to OUR marriage.  You need to decide who your priority is.  Do not tell me my feelings are invalid and do not lie to me or gaslight me when you know that your actions are inappropriate.  This is tearing apart our marriage.  If I am your priority, then we need to seek out counseling.  If I am not, then we need to seek a divorce.   But I refuse to live in this limbo in which you are prioritizing your ex-wife needs and feelings over mine."

And see how it goes.   I am so sorry you are going thru this, OP.   You deserve better. 

 

 

[tryingnottobeajerk]

The main issue here appears to be a lack of clear boundaries between your husband, his ex-wife, and their interactions. It's important to define what is acceptable and what isn't in your relationship.

Encourage your husband to have a candid conversation with his ex-wife about setting boundaries. They should establish limits on when and how they interact to ensure it doesn't negatively impact your marriage.

Emphasize the importance of transparency in your relationship. Suggest that he communicates openly with you about any interactions he has with his ex-wife to build trust.

[Laylainlove]

This is completely unacceptable behavior and needs to stop. The ex has not let him go and he hasn't let her and her family go. A break up doesn't have to be a complete cut off but there is way too many interactions between these two and the fact that you don't know when half of it is happening is a red flag. You are his new wife and it feels like you are being pushed aside and gaslighted.  You may trust him but I don't trust her. If she needs things done in her apartment she needs to find a way that doesn't involve your husband because she is no longer his responsibility, you are. She is exerting a level of control over him that would make any woman uncomfortable. A part of me feels like even if they haven't been intimate this has already emotionally gone too far. You are sharing your husband. You need to set boundaries and if he continues to cross them you need to be prepared to follow through with consequences. I would also recommend therapy to some extent to figure out how to improve your self worth and figure out why you are okay with letting this happen. You are a kind person and show empathy towards his exes situation but it has gone too far. 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 10/12/2023 at 6:26 AM, redswim30 said:

If my husband did these things with his ex-wife, I'd be upset!

If my husband did these with ex-wife, I would be his ex-wife!

The writing is on the wall here as far as I'm concerned, he's cheating or very close to. 

Helping her with chores around her house?  Oh I'm sure.  

Along with his gaslighting,  I'd be gone, period end of.  

Wouldn't even discuss. I'd leave a note and leave them to it.  Bye.