victoria1983

Really inspiring to hear how your hard work worked out for you! 🙂

just to clarify- not every single date/person has been outright horrible. as i mentioned in my original post, there were some people I just didn't have any chemistry with (which i know just happens sometimes). It's just been very, very rare (to a discouraging extent) in these past 5.5 years i meet someone i actually 'click.' with. I don't allow people to treat me poorly with patterns of disrespect. The men that look at me in a superficial way, I am not 'choosing' them. I don't think my standards are the problem.

When I'm talking about high standards, a lot of it has to do with how they treat me and other people. They do not necessarily have to have a high earning job nor be super conventionally attractive or anything like that. I don't think it's unreasonable to want someone who can support themselves financially and that I'm attracted to (a lot of this attraction is based on personality and how they carry themselves. the narcissism and superficiality you described are turn offs for me). I appreciate your reply, but there are a lot of unfair assumptions there.

admittedly, I used to feel that way a lot more regarding unavailable men. I'm getting better losing interest when they don't express any. it's definitely something I'm working at When i'm talking about the people that like me that I'm not attracted to, it can be for a variety of reasons i.e) lack of physical attraction, not a lot of shared goals/interests, lack of a sense of humour (which is pretty important to me), etc.. standard stuff I think...

@Jaunty Thanks for this. In my sobriety, I have been helping friends who've been reaching out to me, struggling with their own addiction issues. Lately I've been thinking that I should lean into this more, by volunteering at an addiction centre or something like that. Your reply is giving me the extra motivation to make that step... 🙂 @Sindy_0311 Thank you for your reply and I'm glad you can relate 🙂 I actually have been dating "casually" as well with no big expectations for certain people, but sadly even those people end up being flaky or doing something that makes me uncomfortable 😞 As for "what would you do for the rest of your life" I'm already doing it, my life is pretty full, but it still doesn't shake the loneliness over certain things that I would like to share with someone else...

I’m 40 years old and I’ve been single for about 5.5 years now. Some background information about me- I have a good job, and several hobbies and interests that I’m passionate about. I have an MA degree, have travelled quite a bit, and also have made a name for myself in my community in my chosen creative endeavour. I am also 2 years sober and take care of my health by eating right and exercising regularly. Self growth/improvement is very important to me and I am in therapy always trying to better myself and work through my issues (I have been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder, but have been managing it well). I am attractive and get a lot of attention when I go out (which in a way, makes my situation even more depressing, but more on that later). I think it's also worth mentioning that I don't have any children and want to remain child-free. It’s just…over these past 5.5 years I have had just SO many disappointing/cruel/awful experiences with dating, that I am just struggling so hard right now keeping any hope for finding love alive. I know what I want in a partner and my standards are high (though not unreasonable, I think?), so I feel like this makes finding a match in the current dating climate next to impossible. The experiences I’ve had range from dates with no chemistry, to being love-bombed and basically ghosted, to really inappropriate/creepy behaviour, to being strung along for months, then have the other person pick someone else they like better than me, etc, etc 😞 Honestly I am so fed up with so much of the inconsiderate, dishonourable actions from men with dating I’ve been subjected to over these past 5.5 years. Going into detail about it would result in a multi-chapter post. For example, I’ve been on dates where they are: -completely different from how they look in the picture -Laughing about their dead ex gf -getting angry at me because I tried asking about their education background -try to take me furniture shopping on the first date and get angry when I say I’m not comfortable -saying racist/sexist/homophobic things, etc,etc It’s like, so many of them have not done/won’t even bother to do the work on themselves, and end up hurting others (i.e- me) as a result. I’m not expecting people to be perfect, but just the lack of emotional maturity/accountability I’m seeing from people around my age is beyond appalling. And UGH, the FLAKINESS!! Like making plans for a date and not following up, or just holding me to a ‘maybe’ and then cancelling at the 11th hour because they are feeling “too tired”. Obviously I try to weed these people out quickly, but it gets so exhausting/disheartening at a certain point As I said earlier, I get a lot of attention because of my appearance, but it’s very superficial and I feel like no one wants to get to know the ‘real’ me, or care about me in a meaningful way 😞 (Of course, the ones that do want to get to know me and seem like they genuinely care are the ones I’m not attracted to…) I have a high sex drive, but with my standards and being in sobriety, I am barely having sex with anyone, and going 6 months with no sexual contact starts to take its toll on me. I know that being single is FAR better than being in a toxic/stagnant relationship with the wrong person (been there before), and I also know it’s important to have a good relationship with yourself first and be content with being on your own, and I AM for the most part, but I’m not gonna pretend that I don’t want someone in my life that I’m excited about and want to share certain things with. I am also sick of people telling me cliches like “focus on yourself.” I HAVE BEEN focusing on myself and would continue to do so even in a relationship. Also “It’ll happen when you stop looking.” Sorry, but I don’t totally believe that. All those people who meet through online dating, being set up through friends, etc, clearly they are putting in effort by actively looking. I feel those cliches are what people fall back on saying because the truth of: ‘‘Yeah you might be one of the unlucky ones to experience soul crushing loneliness for the rest of your life” Is just so heartbreaking 😞 So now I’m at the point where I think I’ve run out of patience for more disappointment. I am thinking that the pain of being alone and never meeting a partner that I’m excited about is better than yet another bad dating experience. My jadedness is deepening and my heart is closing. I guess with this post… I’m trying to see if there’s anyone else in a similar situation to me and how they’re navigating? Have other people given up looking and found peace? Or found a way to keep trying? (Thank you for listening ❤️ There’s something to be said about pouring your frustrations out to complete strangers on an internet forum…)