Andrina

Yes, just like Goldilocks and the 3 Bears. She tries out the chairs and beds, whereas one is too hard, the other too soft, and then she finally finds the one that is just right! While healing, make a list of must-haves and a list of dealbreakers and stick to the lists when dating. There will always be minor issues that can be resolved, but cut loose people early on with major issues/incompatibilities.

If these two men didn't live in or near the building, I might say go for it, but since you're feeling it a lot with the elevator guy, if he happens to see you around with the other guy, even though you two aren't exclusive, it might put a sour taste in his mouth. Just like in OLD, you have to assume the other person is dating others, you don't want to hear about it or see it. Just like when I'd started talking to a guy and we planned on seeing each other after my vacation, and he accidentally e-mailed me about a date that he'd planned with another woman, it put a damper on my excitement to meet him. Since you're not as attracted to the other guy, if it were me and he asked again, I would say I'm exploring something with someone I'd just started dating and aren't comfortable multi-dating. He'll either not reply or tell you to call if it doesn't work out with the other guy. I'm just saying that's what I'd do to prevent ruining what could become a great thing with the tall guy. I don't think there is anything wrong with multi-dating but I never did it, and just as in your case, there was one who stood out and he's who I wanted to concentrate on without the distractions of others.

The human brain isn't fully formed in the decision making area, the pre-frontal cortex, until around age 25. So chalk it up to his poor decision making skills, and also as he says, his issues at the time. The important thing is that he has improved because he cares, and he chose you as a long-term partner and now, I'm assuming is an ideal partner to you. What I learned in the past in marriage counseling is that once an argument is settled, you never again bring it up as a weapon in future arguments. Perhaps you're not doing this verbally, but you're doing it mentally. You have control over your mind, so you will have to learn to let the past go and relish the present. We're all humans and we make mistakes, but what's important is that we learn from them. You have your own self-esteem issues since you're letting his dumb mistakes continue to affect you and compare yourself to his exes. Read some books on setting a new narrative inside your brain. If you don't make any improvement in that area, you will have to let him go as he doesn't deserve someone who is seething during lovemaking versus enjoying it.

In a healthy relationship, there is nothing to fight for. You each plainly make the daily efforts that build a beautiful relationship and the majority of the time, you're both satisfied. I think she's afraid of change since you two have been together since your teen years, from the sounds of it. So she's dangling false hope to retain what is really a life you'd both be settling for, and settling for your one precious life on the planet is sad. I know through experience how unsatisfactory a relationship is when libidos don't match. I have a normal libido, but have two experiences whereas one man's was high and the other's, low. It's a life of frustration and upsets that cannot be resolved, because you can't change a person's libido unless there is a hormonal problem that medication can rectify. You've now learned what you don't want in a relationship, and it's good that you're experiencing this watershed moment. When the only way you'll be happy is if a major change happens, it's not the right relationship for you. It's been the same for 7 years, so it's an extremely safe bet it will continue "as is." If it were me, I'd end this to eventually find the right partner. If you decide that, you should stay alone at least a year to mourn the relationship, heal, and learn who you really are as a solo person before venturing in the dating world again. Good luck.

When my kids were young, I traded babysitting hours with other families with children whom I knew well. Or, I paid a babysitter. She's an adult and will have to figure all that out. Of course, we like to occasionally help a friend, but this is too regular and she hasn't minded using you in the past. It's too much.

When a friendship becomes unsatisfactory the majority of the time, it's time for it to be over. I had a friend much like yours, although she became pregnant on purpose because of her biological clock ticking. She found a dumb man to impregnate her which we all knew wouldn't end in a happily ever after, and it didn't. She'd always had a stream of problematic men and ignored everyone's advice. When it happened, like in your case, that the only times she'd reach out to me was for favors that the majority time I refused, I let the relationship fade. This frees up your leisure time for a companion you can have fun with and whom doesn't stress you out or use you.

Once you know you will act in a way that gets you into trouble under the use of alcohol, it's a sign you actually should avoid it. I have so many relatives who are much happier now that they are sober. Maybe nip a problem in the bud before it becomes a hard problem to solve. I'm actually shocked the counselor suggested this. IMO, just as alcoholics shouldn't begin anything new, including new relationships until being sober a minimum of a year, shouldn't you not date until you are able to ditch the emotional baggage you're lugging around? I think it's the wrong time to think of dating when you're expecting the worse from someone and are terrified by the dating process. If I were you, I'd continue with counseling and just concentrate on your higher education and spending time with girlfriends and hobbies. It's okay to share what's gone on in your past minimally with those close to you, but save the majority of talks with your therapist. It becomes too much for friends, a bf, etc., if you overdo it on these talks. I have a friend from childhood who lives a 3 hours away and I've distanced myself as talks are concerned because I keep having to hear the horrible stories of what happened to her as a child and adult, and I get depressed when I'm with her instead of having fun companion time. I'm sorry she suffered and I was okay she shared things with me the first time, but I think she's hurting herself by rehashing these stories over and over, bringing forth all the emotions that come with those memories. I'm sorry you've suffered as well. I think that this guy was drawn to you after your drunken story because predators prey on people they believe are weak. He's no prize and you're just feeling lonely right now. You don't need a man right now. I was not a good place mentally in junior college when I met my first husband who was toxic. I really wish I would've stayed single until I was in a better place emotionally to date. Good luck and be proud of doing what's best for yourself in higher education and seeking help with a therapist.

Well, you've made an effort 3 times now, so how about you sit back and see if she invites you out? If she does, and there is still not a comfort level of things progressing like holding hands, etc., then ask her if she'd consider going on actual dates instead of meeting up as friends. I'd guess she's wrestling with liking that you have a crush, but feeling uncomfortable with the age gap. I know I'm one of those women who wouldn't feel comfortable dating a guy more than 5 years younger than me. If she doesn't ask you out, I'd take it as she's either just not that into you, or is not comfortable with the age gap, so it's best to let things fade with her. Don't convince her not to try to be comfortable. If she's not okay with it now, things might even worsen in the future, as she might start worrying too much about how her wrinkles and other aging differences are appearing a decade before yours.

Stop using excuses like armor instead of challenging yourself to overcome something that hinders your life. I've had social anxiety and have been quite shy since childhood. Joining a girls organization when I was a teen where I had to memorize parts and recite them regularly really helped me. I also played soccer for 6 years and joined the snow ski club in college. From that, I took one ski trip with the group and the club's president had the most memorable Halloween party I've ever been to. I'll always be an introvert, but when you put yourself in the world among others doing fun things, you'll always make friends. You can get good at anything you practice. I suggest just making small talk about class assignments, and maybe even suggest some study sessions with one or two students you're feeling a vibe with. This is the best time to meet huge groups of people your age, and a large majority will still be single. If you don't take this opportunity to expand your social skills now, you're going to regret it later when the dating pool gets smaller. Take care and let us know how it goes. Please expand beyond gaming, which can lead back into solo, cyber space stuff.

Perhaps make a brief mention in your profile that you are a spiritual person but you're not the sort who's interested in organized religion.

As you can see, cyber fantasies are not reality and the hardest way to go about finding a partner. Instead of the answering your question, I'd recommend deleting him as a contact, and once you feel better to date, solely do so locally. No guarantees in finding a keeper immediately, but there are far more pros in dating locally than wasting precious time in an LDR that never really was anything but chatter with for all intents and purposes, a stranger.

You deserve the best! Sending good luck vibes your way.

It's really disheartening at the dysfunction that goes on in many families, and the trauma left in its wake. What I've seen in my own family, my husband's family, and friends I've known, the parents went through even worse circumstances than they subjected their children to. It's amazing they at least made some improvements, vowing to never do to their children what had been done to them, but that was still a far mark than the ideal. Since the discussions about the past aren't beneficial, as said, set boundaries. You can cut phone conversations short if the discussion veers to hurtful remarks. You can leave her home. If she's at your home, ask her to leave. She will learn that to have the privilege of your company, that the company needs to be pleasant.

In your situation, what she said and your feelings of not being loved is reason enough to break up. Often, once bitterness builds and the love is lost, there's no returning to love, even if through therapy, behavior improves. However you can get out of the house deal, or to get out of a deal with her as a co-owner, I'd do so. Even if you have to lose a deposit.

Yeah, it's very hard to be with someone like this, even without the topic of children. I dated a man for a year and it was frustrating having conversations with him, because when I'd just try to find out more about him and ask something like, "Do you have any bucket list destinations for travel?" His answer for that and anything else pertaining to the future was, "I can't even think beyond next Friday." Difficult to get any answers, if you want to know if the person wants to stay local forever, or would consider moving. If you envision your retirement years similarly, and those sorts of life talks. I'm a huge planner so all that was frustrating to me and one amongst other reasons he and I didn't work out. Life certainly comes with a lot of challenges. Good luck to you.

That would be in the case she left out the info that the male "friend" asked if she was "still seeing someone, and if not. . ." Any intelligent man knows what that means and would be an idiot to be okay with his gf doing this.

I had the exact same thought. Since she knows you're interested in her romantically, because you asked if she was seeing someone, her relationship boundaries suck. Is she so pretty she's scrambled your brain into not seeing this clearly? She's poor gf material, and it's best to stick to having friends you don't want to date, so I'd lose her number.

If it works out, you already have your couple's song in the bag! Aerosmith's Love in an Elevator

As Dr. Phil said, "The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior." He's 28, likely has dated a decade, and you're his longest relationship at 5 months. That should've given a clue of his pattern and you could have easily predicted the relationship's demise that your relationship would end in the approximate timeframe of everyone else left in his wake. His very use of wording "come to terms" is so telling, like even he can't come to terms that it's lasted even this long and it's making him antsy, and then he throws in emotional baggage of the controlling ex, seeming to lump you in with all of womanhood. Since you're willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, I would at least set for yourself a personal timeline of how long this break can last before you will cut contact with him. Nobody is worth putting yourself on ice for, for extended periods.

Yes, that's a major issue that should be a dealbreaker when two people aren't on the exact same page in the present. Hard to go cold turkey in no longer communicating when there were no negative feelings, so you kept a tether. But now it's time to sever that telephone line because it's both not good for your closure, but also not fair to a new dating prospect. I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate it if you started dating a lovely lady and found out she was speaking to an ex and telling him how much she misses him. Impossible to open the front door to new possibilities when you have one foot stuck squarely in the back door. Besides OLD, try some Meetup.com groups for singles in your age group. Good luck.

You're acting like some doll with the inability to speak up and voice your must-haves, along with the inability to have legs that can walk away from an unsatisfactory situation. Why is that?

You don't make it clear if you two were exclusive years ago, or if you were both free to multi-date and you became angry when you saw another man in her orbit. Are you both very young, like under the age of 25, several years ago? Sometimes you can chalk things up to being young and dumb and can risk a relationship with her if you think some maturation has happened. You can't change the past so if you stay with her, you'll have to stop looking behind you and concentrate on the present and future. If you're going to feel negative vibes and mentally punish her for her past decisions, then it's more caring to move on and start fresh with someone new.

Many people stick it out in situations like this, hoping it will go back to the rosy beginnings. Yeah, things are usually on overdrive at the beginning, but when you're in the right relationship, overall, you should feel satisfied. You tried to communicate your need for physical affection. Even if he's not normally the touchy, feely type, if a request is reasonable, a partner will make efforts to please you. He just gives excuses. If he's the one that grilled you on past partners, learn that you don't have to answer every question you're asked. Keep it general for any future partner talks. An example: My longest relationship was a year, and we grew apart. I've been single for 6 months. That's it! Details only paint a picture in a partner's mind he really doesn't want to imagine. You're in college, meeting so many singles in your age group. Why beat this dead horse? The point of dating is vetting. He doesn't sound like a keeper.

I know you're smitten with her, and are looking through rose-colored glasses, but if she can't provide normalcy to a romantic partner, going through the normal steps any deepening relationship involves, isn't this selfish? A partner has to abide by her strange terms? Perhaps she should have waited until her kids have flown the nest, or sought mediation and mandatory classes on parenting to ensure the kids won't be emotionally abused, before she began dating again. Best to only date people who have healthy custody arrangements and amicable relations when it comes to parenting. Certainly not someone whose acting under the powers of an ex. It's not fair to pull you into a toxic orbit just because she wants a companion on her terms. I don't even know what the huge change is to say someone is your bf when you're already spending the majority of the week with her. If her ex is getting wind of this, wouldn't he assume you're her bf since I'm assuming you've been dating at least 4 months? White knights never win the battle. The damsel cannot be saved by anyone other than herself.

My husband and I worked very similar schedules to what you're describing when we met, and he lived 45-55 minutes from me depending on traffic. We met up at least twice a week at the beginning and it quickly progressed to sometimes meeting 3 times a week. Someone who's really into you will strive to meet with you more than once a week, even if tired. After 3 months, you'd expect some sleepovers. Even if he's tired, you could eat a meal, watch a half hour of TV, and have the pleasure of sleeping in the same bed. Other women he's dated have probably dumped him early on because he doesn't know how to properly date and develop a satisfying relationship. You're a lot more into him than vice versa, which is why you're making excuses for him and trying to suggest his behavior is reasonable. I'm sorry you're hurting and I know it's hard to hear what you don't want to hear.