In a rough situation as we moved in together only around 4 months ago, but been dating for more then 7 years, both in our first serious relationship. Trying to be factual as I can, but this could be a novel. Having some real issues in some topics before proposing, but we are communicating about them. We are both in our mid 20s. Our sex life was low after the beginning, because of her having a low libido, and only meeting once or twice a week. She said once we move in together sex will be better as we will be more and more together.
I know 4 months is not much, and this brought big and fast changes in our life as we just started full-time jobs and leaving everything behind, but sex didn’t change, we had intercourse about twice a month since then, only on weekends and I was the one initating it, as most of the time over the years. She says that it is because we don’t have quality time for each other because of work, tiredness and etc. Also no real passion or care regarding blowjobs, as she don’t like it, only sometimes. We have intimacy, but mostly that won’t lead to sex. Her parents were not into this topic and were strict, so she were shy, and still can’t be fully chill about it, so I had to show and teach her things. I’m the opposite, as this wasn’t taboo in my life, I can easily communicate about it with anyone.
Now that we are in a conflict, there is no sex at all, as her idea is that I’m not commited enough because of our ongoing issues and she don’t want us to sweep our problems under the rug. We talked, she thinks we can resolve this, if we really want to and meet each other needs, missings. My opinion that in unconditional love, I believe that this is valid, that everything can be solved even if it takes a lot of compromise or letting go’s. That’s how we are still together.
This whole topic came up because some pressure of engagement, and why am I not ready for it. I honestly told her about all the topics which are in the way since moving together, sex was one of them. She says she feels the same way regarding engagement, as I am about sex. She wants it for years, but since we started dating young, I tried to be realistic and wanted to finish our studies, have a steady income and move in together then engagement and marrying. All and on, I was faithful and commited to her, even when she broke up with me before, because I can’t take the next step in our relationship. Then she acknowledged that she made a mistake and she is deeply in love with me and understands me and my points. At this point I talked about sex issues again, but she said it will be good. I moved on through it, but here we are, as pressure regarding engagement talks are on, again.
Our latest talk was as I said previously that she wants to resolve it, so am I, and we should meet each other wishes and decide and commit. Problem is that even though she thinks she will suddenly be a sex champion and I will engage her someday, I don’t think long-term this will be enough, from both of us. I know she really loves me and I love her as well, and somehow we would manage to work it through as we did in these long years, but we will fall back right into it as it is usually. Pressure won’t be less from either side.
I’m simply lost and can’t make a decision, and reading through a lot of threads last night, I think my gut is right about it. Even though she will fulfill my needs regarding sex, I don’t think she can be passionate and happy, just because of forcing herself, when she simply just can live without it. I managed also, but I changed and feels like it is really important. This should be an easy-going thing to do and should not create this much stress in my opinion. Part of me is breaking and hers as well, I don’t think we can have this conversation over and over, and have to take a decision soon, but I don’t know if making a quick and unwise one will be the right solution. There is no guarantee, I know, but I have been waiting and waiting for years just like she for me in the other thing, and I don’t think a possible engagement will resolve this, even though she will change. I can still imagine her as my wife after all of this, and willing to fight for us, but I don’t know it will be enough.
What is your opinion about this somewhat “special” case regarding the details? Do we really have a shot and can resolve this somehow, or we are just sticking to each other and giving each other false hopes?
