Lost in a complex situation

[wamwam]

In a rough situation as we moved in together only around 4 months ago, but been dating for more then 7 years, both in our first serious relationship. Trying to be factual as I can, but this could be a novel. Having some real issues in some topics before proposing, but we are communicating about them. We are both in our mid 20s. Our sex life was low after the beginning, because of her having a low libido, and only meeting once or twice a week. She said once we move in together sex will be better as we will be more and more together. 

I know 4 months is not much, and this brought big and fast changes in our life as we just started full-time jobs and leaving everything behind, but sex didn’t change, we had intercourse about twice a month since then, only on weekends and I was the one initating it, as most of the time over the years. She says that it is because we don’t have quality time for each other because of work, tiredness and etc. Also no real passion or care regarding blowjobs, as she don’t like it, only sometimes. We have intimacy, but mostly that won’t lead to sex. Her parents were not into this topic and were strict, so she were shy, and still can’t be fully chill about it, so I had to show and teach her things. I’m the opposite, as this wasn’t taboo in my life, I can easily communicate about it with anyone. 

Now that we are in a conflict, there is no sex at all, as her idea is that I’m not commited enough because of our ongoing issues and she don’t want us to sweep our problems under the rug. We talked, she thinks we can resolve this, if we really want to and meet each other needs, missings. My opinion that in unconditional love, I believe that this is valid, that everything can be solved even if it takes a lot of compromise or letting go’s. That’s how we are still together.

This whole topic came up because some pressure of engagement, and why am I not ready for it. I honestly told her about all the topics which are in the way since moving together, sex was one of them. She says she feels the same way regarding engagement, as I am about sex. She wants it for years, but since we started dating young, I tried to be realistic and wanted to finish our studies, have a steady income and move in together then engagement and marrying. All and on, I was faithful and commited to her, even when she broke up with me before, because I can’t take the next step in our relationship. Then she acknowledged that she made a mistake and she is deeply in love with me and understands me and my points. At this point I talked about sex issues again, but she said it will be good. I moved on through it, but here we are, as pressure regarding engagement talks are on, again. 

Our latest talk was as I said previously that she wants to resolve it, so am I, and we should meet each other wishes and decide and commit. Problem is that even though she thinks she will suddenly be a sex champion and I will engage her someday, I don’t think long-term this will be enough, from both of us. I know she really loves me and I love her as well, and somehow we would manage to work it through as we did in these long years, but we will fall back right into it as it is usually. Pressure won’t be less from either side. 

I’m simply lost and can’t make a decision, and reading through a lot of threads last night, I think my gut is right about it. Even though she will fulfill my needs regarding sex, I don’t think she can be passionate and happy, just because of forcing herself, when she simply just can live without it. I managed also, but I changed and feels like it is really important. This should be an easy-going thing to do and should not create this much stress in my opinion. Part of me is breaking and hers as well, I don’t think we can have this conversation over and over, and have to take a decision soon, but I don’t know if making a quick and unwise one will be the right solution. There is no guarantee, I know, but I have been waiting and waiting for years just like she for me in the other thing, and I don’t think a possible engagement will resolve this, even though she will change. I can still imagine her as my wife  after all of this, and willing to fight for us, but I don’t know it will be enough.

What is your opinion about this somewhat “special” case regarding the details? Do we really have a shot and can resolve this somehow, or we are just sticking to each other and giving each other false hopes?

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, wamwam said:

. She says that it is because we don’t have quality time for each other because of work, tiredness and etc. Also no real passion or care regarding blowjobs, as she don’t like it. This whole topic came up because some pressure of engagement, and why am I not ready for it. 

Sorry this is happening. It seems her low libido is not what you want and your lack of commitment and progress in the relationship is not what she wants. 

Unfortunately this makes you incompatible to the point where it's at an impass. Sadly it's sort of a vicious circle. No BJ's = no ring and no ring = no BJ's. Perhaps it's time to reflect if settings each other free would be a solution? 

[Batya33]

I think her low libido is partly because you two have been on different wavelengths concerning getting married for years now.  I know for me the best sex I had was once we were engaged -it was great before but even better -that sense of commitment means so much - and enhanced my experience.  

Also was she on board with sharing living space before being engaged? Sounds like that was you wanting it more than her so again she's not going to get all excited about sex just because you're sharing living space -sounds like you are the one who wanted it.

Never ever try to convince yourself to marry someone.  I did and it was a disaster (no divorce but a cancelled wedding/broken engagement is no fun).  You shouldn't have core shaking doubts. Jitters here and there -sure -I mean it's a big step (not as big for you as it's been years and you already live together) 

I'd move on - sadly -and this is just a normal case of two people who aren't a good match for marriage.  IMO.  i'm sorry.

[wamwam]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think her low libido is partly because you two have been on different wavelengths concerning getting married for years now.  I know for me the best sex I had was once we were engaged -it was great before but even better -that sense of commitment means so much - and enhanced my experience.  

Also was she on board with sharing living space before being engaged? Sounds like that was you wanting it more than her so again she's not going to get all excited about sex just because you're sharing living space -sounds like you are the one who wanted it.

Never ever try to convince yourself to marry someone.  I did and it was a disaster (no divorce but a cancelled wedding/broken engagement is no fun).  You shouldn't have core shaking doubts. Jitters here and there -sure -I mean it's a big step (not as big for you as it's been years and you already live together) 

I'd move on - sadly -and this is just a normal case of two people who aren't a good match for marriage.  IMO.  i'm sorry.

Thank you! No, she was the one always pushing for moving in together as well. One of the reasons she called it off with me during COVID. 

I have a strong connection with my family, 3 generations lived together in love and peace, she knew the bond. My parents even told us that we can move there on a different floor which is only ours both during COVID and this year before renting a flat. She didn’t wanted that, then told my parents as well this January yes, but then called it off this summer for various reasons. I understood she didn’t want to do move us and wants total freedom, so I left and moved in with her, tough time for me to leave the nest, but I did. 

I will try to follow your advice thank you, meant a lot, and really sorry for your similar situation you went through.

 

[wamwam]

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It seems her low libido is not what you want and your lack of commitment and progress in the relationship is not what she wants. 

Unfortunately this makes you incompatible to the point where it's at an impass. Sadly it's sort of a vicious circle. No BJ's = no ring and no ring = no BJ's. Perhaps it's time to reflect if settings each other free would be a solution? 

Thank you! Seems like this.

Although, she really says now that we can solve this, if we meet each other wishes.. But how would that go? I still won’t engage her as of now in this situation as I think that would be just a temporary solution, and she won’t have more or any sex with me until I can’t commit to her finally. She says that everybody has problems, and accepts it as it is and tries it’s best. Feels like an impossible situation as of now to be honest, maybe the only way to setting each other free as you say. 

 

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, wamwam said:

Thank you! No, she was the one always pushing for moving in together as well. One of the reasons she called it off with me during COVID. 

I have a strong connection with my family, 3 generations lived together in love and peace, she knew the bond. My parents even told us that we can move there on a different floor which is only ours both during COVID and this year before renting a flat. She didn’t wanted that, then told my parents as well this January yes, but then called it off this summer for various reasons. I understood she didn’t want to do move us and wants total freedom, so I left and moved in with her, tough time for me to leave the nest, but I did. 

I will try to follow your advice thank you, meant a lot, and really sorry for your similar situation you went through.

 

Oh I'm glad in a way - it helped me make better choices going forward.  It sounds like she's very unsure of you and the relationship.  I would let her go so both of you can find more suitable matches.

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, wamwam said:

willing to fight for us, but I don’t know it will be enough.

In a healthy relationship, there is nothing to fight for. You each plainly make the daily efforts that build a beautiful relationship and the majority of the time, you're both satisfied.

I think she's afraid of change since you two have been together since your teen years, from the sounds of it. So she's dangling false hope to retain what is really a life you'd both be settling for, and settling for your one precious life on the planet is sad.

I know through experience how unsatisfactory a relationship is when libidos don't match. I have a normal libido, but have two experiences whereas one man's was high and the other's, low. It's a life of frustration and upsets that cannot be resolved, because you can't change a person's libido unless there is a hormonal problem that medication can rectify.

You've now learned what you don't want in a relationship, and it's good that you're experiencing this watershed moment. When the only way you'll be happy is if a major change happens, it's not the right relationship for you. It's been the same for 7 years, so it's an extremely safe bet it will continue "as is." If it were me, I'd end this to eventually find the right partner. If you decide that, you should stay alone at least a year to mourn the relationship, heal, and learn who you really are as a solo person before venturing in the dating world again. Good luck.

[Kwothe28]

I dunno why you thought things would change regarding sex. If ot wasnt as satisfactory at start when passion is at full force, that wouldnt change 7 years after. You may get to know your partner better but if she isnt willing to put up at the beginning, dunno why you thought that would change. She used that as a leverage to move in together. And how "OMG it would all be the best after we move in, until then my parents strict". But its clear you are not compatible there. You didnt need 7 years to know that. 

[wamwam]

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

In a healthy relationship, there is nothing to fight for. You each plainly make the daily efforts that build a beautiful relationship and the majority of the time, you're both satisfied.

I think she's afraid of change since you two have been together since your teen years, from the sounds of it. So she's dangling false hope to retain what is really a life you'd both be settling for, and settling for your one precious life on the planet is sad.

I know through experience how unsatisfactory a relationship is when libidos don't match. I have a normal libido, but have two experiences whereas one man's was high and the other's, low. It's a life of frustration and upsets that cannot be resolved, because you can't change a person's libido unless there is a hormonal problem that medication can rectify.

You've now learned what you don't want in a relationship, and it's good that you're experiencing this watershed moment. When the only way you'll be happy is if a major change happens, it's not the right relationship for you. It's been the same for 7 years, so it's an extremely safe bet it will continue "as is." If it were me, I'd end this to eventually find the right partner. If you decide that, you should stay alone at least a year to mourn the relationship, heal, and learn who you really are as a solo person before venturing in the dating world again. Good luck.

Thank you for your detailed answer, you are right, it meant a lot! I hope it worked out for you in the end, after those experiences.

[wamwam]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dunno why you thought things would change regarding sex. If ot wasnt as satisfactory at start when passion is at full force, that wouldnt change 7 years after. You may get to know your partner better but if she isnt willing to put up at the beginning, dunno why you thought that would change. She used that as a leverage to move in together. And how "OMG it would all be the best after we move in, until then my parents strict". But its clear you are not compatible there. You didnt need 7 years to know that. 

I believed she would change, but you are absolutely right, I should have been wiser. Thank you for your answer, trying to learn from this.

[Andrina]

3 hours ago, wamwam said:

Thank you for your detailed answer, you are right, it meant a lot! I hope it worked out for you in the end, after those experiences.

Yes, just like Goldilocks and the 3 Bears. She tries out the chairs and beds, whereas one is too hard, the other too soft, and then she finally finds the one that is just right!

While healing, make a list of must-haves and a list of dealbreakers and stick to the lists when dating. There will always be minor issues that can be resolved, but cut loose people early on with major issues/incompatibilities.