Andrina

I'm sorry this happened to you. There is no reason to bring children into adult problems like sharing reasons for a marriage's demise. What happened with you as a child doesn't need to be repeated with your children. You're sabotaging yourself, letting a loop run that you are weak and broken. You are not. Begin by changing the reel that goes on in your brain to more positive thoughts, that you've been treated poorly and now you need to do whatever it takes to get yourself into a better way of life. If you divorced, you just need to tell your children that it was mutually decided that it's for the best. And then agree with your estranged husband to not badmouth each other to the children, as that is abuse, and to bring them into adult matters. Your goal will be to get them used to a new dynamic of a family that shares child custody as pleasantly as possible. You only have one life on the planet and it's so sad that you would allow yourself to be miserable every day for the rest of your life. Your children love you and want that for you. You are mistaken that not divorcing is in their best interest. They will thrive more with a happier mother. Yes, therapy is a good idea, and then begin getting all your ducks in a row and seeking a lawyer. People start over all the time. No, it's not easy, but over time the rewards override all the challenges. Take care.

Yes, you have a lot more work to do when you say you're "devastated" because of a 3 week dating experience. Especially as you spent mere hours in person and shared one kiss. Good that you now have this experience tucked under your belt, where you have learned things. You've learned what a guy says at these beginning stages is all fantasy unless you actually get to the reality part, which is usually if you two actually make it beyond 6 months. Not that you have to put severe emotional barriers up, but you should be guarding your heart until you see if the relationship has the legs to move beyond the honeymoon stage. Have a more casual, wait-and-see attitude, telling yourself that time will reveal all, and that you will be resilient enough to handle anything. You never know which man will end up being the keeper. It's rare to find the keeper on the first go-around. But keep cutting the losers loose quickly in order to be free for when the right guy comes along. You might want to try Meetup.com groups in your area, both for meeting singles and friends. It's usually less stressful than OLD.

Does this mean that you love yourself more and are incapable of feeling empathy for another as the average person would? I find it strange you compartmentalized the scene without expanding to all the steps of foresight. You knew you had one umbrella and you stepped out with it and dashed by yourself across an entire street. Why did your thought process or lack of it exclude the well being of your SO? And then it took you several seconds after she yelled to realize what you'd done. If I were you, I'd be visiting a neurologist and be requesting a brain scan.

Were you intimate the first time you two met? If so, then you can clearly see he's the type that pours it on thick and fast because he doesn't want to wait months to achieve his goal of bedding and bailing. If this is what happened, practicing a better way of dating will serve you better. I'm assuming you want a long-term partner, so if you want someone likeminded, that man will show indicators of this. He will be asking you on dates in public, getting to all about you. Yes, he will look forward to being intimate, but he will be patient. When chemistry is strong, your willpower might be low, so try to stay out of each others homes for 4 or 5 dates to prevent being intimate too soon. No guarantees, but players might lose interest before this or begin to pressure you, so those red flags can have YOU bailing before you give a guy the gift of your body. With the right guy, you don't have to play hard-to-get games and act opposite of what you're comfortable with. You really need to get a better mindset, exuding your self-love, by thinking that you will be yourself and if a guy doesn't appreciate that, it's good to know now so you can find the guy who loves you just as you are and treats you like the special person you are. What are your standards? If you haven't thought about them, it's a good time to write them down and stick to them. I'm happy you dumped him after his behavior, but there is still room for improvement because you're upset it didn't work out with a jerk, and are still wondering what is wrong with you that he acted like a flake. Read some books on how to achieve a better self-worth. If you don't, you will never be successful in the dating world. Put just as much effort into finding new friends and hobbies right now, because it will be too suffocating for a man to be your everything at the moment. Good luck.

I don't get why you allowed him to touch you at all. If you didn't like it, why didn't you tell him to stop? You also don't have to keep engaging with someone who is staring at your chest. Either tell your bf you'll no longer join him when he's hanging out with his buddies, and instead, you can double date with some of your own friends you enjoy. Or, break up if the relationship is more unsatisfying than satisfying.

You won't know if he's cheating unless you hire a private investigator. Not that I suggest doing that, but if you don't know if he's cheating, how would we know? The fact is, it looks like you've been scouring his computer or phone like a spy and interrogating him about his whereabouts. Is this the first relationship where you've felt compelled to do this? Couples are normally accountable to each other, as to changes if a person will be late getting home, and what they are doing after work. Sounds like this is lacking in your relationship. If you're upset the majority of the time, finding his love of female attention has now crossed the line, perhaps it's time to end this so you can eventually find someone who doesn't gather female harems.

I did OLD in the past, and was all for multi-dating when it was just those one or two dates with each. But when it got to the point I liked someone so much that we were making out, going on dates with anyone else stopped. I preferred dating men who were on the same page, and if they weren't, I no longer dated them. I liked the idea of focusing on one person without the distraction of others, even if on the fourth or fifth date it ended. I didn't expect forever because that of course is unknown at that early point. But it was in my comfort zone to not be making out with John and then the next day he had a date with Sue who he was also making out with. Not for me.

I'm assuming you found out the first time without any sleuthing. Secrets have a way of coming out. So perhaps the advice you are seeking is that because you assume you've ironed everything out, have trust unless you find the same problem popping its ugly head up again. If a secret exists, it will eventually be revealed without you having to do anything. Perhaps think of a mantra when your worries get to you, such as: Let time do its thing to reveal all. I have the resiliency to handle anything.

What are the relationship rules that you two have established as far as giving phone numbers to opposite sex acquaintances and new friends? As well as the rules of hanging out with people, one on one, of the opposite sex as far as friends and colleagues go. Sounds like a given that a lot of students have his personal number for university business. How long have you two been together? Do you match on relationship boundaries? Does he seem to enjoy a lot of female company as seems to be possible, since this appears to be the case in what I quoted above? What is his relationship history, and what is yours? Just trying to get a bigger picture. In any case, if you feel like your relationship is built on sea sand instead of concrete, perhaps you'd be happier with someone whom you can have total trust in.

Her attractiveness drew you in, but now it's the vetting period. Not everything that a SO has to say must be a gem, and sometimes what they say is irritating or boring. However, in general, the majority of the time, it's important to enjoy their company. Doesn't seem like this is the case. It's good she keeps up with friends and has a good work ethic, since some people go all gung-ho over a new love interest and push everything else to the back burner. But again, on the flip side, you should feel like she was so excited about you that you were a new priority that she is happy to fit into her life. Your story reminds me of my Dad when he was a teen. He was a handsome football player dating the prettiest blonde cheerleader at his school. Over time, he started seeing how her conversations were very much one-dimensional. He broke up with her and the next person he dated was my mother, whom he enjoyed more substantial conversations with. The vetting period is crucial where you will be making big decisions of whether to stay or whether to bail. From what you've written, all signs point to bailing.

Of course I would wake him up if I saw he overslept. In the you're dealing with a childish person who always forgets to set the alarm or turns it off and falls back asleep regularly, you might rethink him as a lifetime partner. If the person is you doing this, you might want to finally grow up and change your ways. This is too vague. What is this all about? What is the partner asking for of the worker? Yes, life is expensive and a person can't be taking a lot of personal time off or have their day interrupted by calls and texts whereas communication could wait until they get off of work.

You're now learning to have self-worth, and that's good because it's been lacking since you put up with a bf for so many years who treated you so poorly. But you still have more work to do in that area because you still allowed another man to stay around in your life when he proved to also be controlling. I wouldn't keep him around as a friend. It worked for a time, but now that's over, and it's best to go your separate ways. Quite normal for friendships to end. It's happened to be numerous times for various reasons. Even if he wasn't controlling and you remained friends, this friendship was bound to lessen in time and intensity anyway, as you each grow separately into adult lives where you will no longer have that sort of time because of careers, significant others, etc. Letting go of unsatisfactory friendships leaves you time to form positive friendships with others. Take care.

Best to deal with a situation in a way you'd hope someone else would handle things in regards to you being affected. Such as if it were your girlfriend at work and her co-worker felt toward her exactly as you're feeling now. Would you find it okay if he looked forward to those precious moments he could be in her space and find out everything about her, while fantasizing about her and waiting in the wings to pounce the moment she's free? Whenever one or both of you are taken, and there's a spark of chemistry whether it be one-sided with the other just liking attention, or where both are equally into each other, it's both unethical and unfair to yourself. All that emotional energy you're pouring into a taken woman could be diverted to someone actually available. If you're having a dry spell, look to new ways of meeting eligible women. Time to start treating her as just another co-worker. You can train your brain any way you wish with practice. Acting with maturity will bring you more success in all areas of life, including romance. Good luck.

It's wise to think of, when picking a partner, if they are a close match in each major area that are normal arguing points for couples. The major areas people will argue about if they are on opposite ends include financial spending/saving habits, frequency of sex, religious beliefs and the amount of time devoted to religious practices, whether or not to have children and how to raise them, relationship boundaries/rules, balance of time spent with each other, friends and family, job, and hobbies/interests. People cannot and should not be clones of each other, but should at least for the most part be on the same page about the sorts of major topics I mentioned. As said, huge differences will result in frustration, upsets, anger, depression, sorrow, etc. My first husband had similarities to your man, so my advice is to get out now. It won't get any better and will likely get worse.

If the roles were reversed, and a "friend" of mine did this to my SO, I would want to know. In your position, I would tell my SO what happened. Definitely something mentally off with that guy. If he tries to engage with you while you are at work again, excuse yourself to get back to work.

The guy knows that many women would be willing to go out with him with the feedback he gets. He's aware of his charm and good looks, and knows you were flirting, but being a fake you which he could see right through. Sorry, but he's known you and all these other pretty women in the group for a year. If he wanted to date any of you, he'd easily ask, especially since he's dated before and is well practiced. Maybe he realizes he just wants the fun of freedom right now. Maybe he tried dating women but has come to the realization he's gay. I've known guys who did this in high school and even college. I did try asking guys out in the past but it never worked. I agree with Catfeeder. The only time I've seen it work is with extremely shy guys and confident women. I also dated someone once who I thought was out of my league and my psyche was a bit tortured about it. Although it turned out I was out of his league as far as kindness went. Sometimes it's not so fun dating the hottest guy around when you have to watch women constantly vying for his attention. For now, if I were you, I'd enjoy his friendship because he seems like a great guy. I also think you should work on your self-worth, because when you're down on yourself, you'll only attract abusers. The people who considered themselves nerds in school are very often successful people as adults in their careers. Whereas some of the popular people realize their best years were in school and as adults, they are very little fish in a big pond, which they are not used to. Keep being you, with better self-esteem, and the right guy will notice how special you are.

There would be absolutely no reason a guy who was into you, after a first date, would let that amount of time go by without reaching out to you. You'd already put up with all those cancellations, and then after a week with no word from him, you call him? Please, have some self-love and learn when to cut bait. A guy who is into you makes it crystal clear. Only that type of guy is worth any effort, whatsoever.

It's legal. Your mother is okay with it. You don't need to go around telling friends you're fourth cousins. It's irrelevant. If your extended relatives have an issue, then don't attend those reunions, etc. I mean, how often do you get together with all of them, anyway? If you're so bothered by it, however, you're a free agent and can say no to anything.

When you expect someone to change in a major way in the future, it's risky business. Past and present recent behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Same with people who are chronically late. Just like my co-worker, who is always running late. When the shift changed to start a half an hour later, another co-worker said, "Oh, now maybe she'll be on time." I said, "No, she'll still be late, because chronically late people don't change." Sure enough, she continues running late.

Why not? If you're lacking in friends, maybe join a school club in any of your areas of interests. If you don't have anything much going on with hobbies, interests, friends, it'll feel too smothering to a woman that she's your sole source of a social life. Anyway, good on you for setting yourself up for a good career and taking a chance on the girl, even if it didn't pan out. We've all gone through those times. Take care.

You both have walls of fear, even if they are different types of fear, that are too high to scale. But you're the only one really wanting to scale the wall if you were brave enough. She's quite happy on the ground. That's the reason you're so angry and she's not. You believe it would be cruel to end the friendship. But as I said in a previous post, no mentally healthy woman will date you with the friendship you have with this woman, even if you lessen time with her. Nobody said life was easy. In your shoes, I'd tell her, "It's time for me to get back into dating. Unfortunately, male/female friendships have a different dynamic that won't fly with a love interest, so I'm afraid the friendship we've formed is going to have to end. I've enjoyed the time I did have with you, and I hope you can keep some good memories, as I will." Even with platonic friendships, when there is regular anger, it's a sign the friendship should end. You've immersed yourself in the situation and only you can extricate yourself, and the longer you wait, the harder it will be.

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus is a great book to read on couples' communication. I'd read it while you're awaiting the therapy appointment.

Why do you think people like you two begin these long distance things? Long distance is a barrier because the both of you, perhaps in different ways, can't handle the reality of everything a local relationship would entail. And sometimes the person isn't free at all, missing a connection with their significant other, so they seek attention elsewhere. Or a person is so messed up that they can't get anyone locally, so they can at least temporarily dupe a long distance love interest. You have the gall to compare someone you haven't had to live through daily stresses with, with a woman you lived a real life with. You've likely imagined some fairy tale life with this woman whereas if you lived together, you would've never fought over finances, how often to be intimate, and all of the other normal differences couples have to normally deal with. You spent hundreds if not over a thousand dollars for that trip and would likely do it again at the drop of a hat. Another con of LDRs. You're not be wise at all in the dating world, where dating locally you'll only spend the cost of gas driving to a local coffee shop to meet a woman, and no more than 5 dollars for a cup of coffee. Vetting a woman will be a much quicker process as well, instead of investing up to a year before meeting a woman and having it all fall through. The way you presently date, it'll take you twenty years or longer to find a keeper. You're also unwise to keep her as a friend. Do you really think any local, decent woman will date you when they find out you're still in contact with a woman you wanted as a girlfriend? That doesn't fly with a woman with healthy self-love. Plus, you won't be able to properly bond with a local lady when you're still investing emotional energy in somebody who didn't want you anywhere near her in person. That's the last thing I'll address. You were way out of line to fly out to see her when she said no. Is that a reason you perhaps haven't been successful in local dating? That you cross boundaries set by a partner? Putting your needs above another's in the way you did verges on stalker behavior. You have some work to do on yourself. Make sure that happens or you will continue on an unsuccessful path in the dating world.

I think for some people on OLD, it could be that they hit if off with someone and are giving it an exclusive go. Instead of letting a person know this whom he'd just started communicating with, he doesn't respond until the other thing falls through for him. This could've been what happened. I know it happened to me, but it was a whole 6 months later and the guy called, acting like we'd just chatted the day before. I was no longer interested. It's totally up to you if you want to give this another chance to take off. Not very promising though, since the good vibes are now tainted.