fantom1399

update: Seems like she's going through with this polyamory lifestyle. Stupid me, I went pain shopping and found clues on who it could be. She just came back from a one night trip where she wanted to just be alone. She definitely wasn't alone. She brought her night gown with her. why would someone bring a night gown on an alone trip? They don't. Her instagram posts are very strategic and selective. This just confirms that I don't deserve this, nobody does, and allow me to move on. She is looking at rental places (thank god) and I just need to have all my ducks in a row for the separation agreement to make this final and she can do whatever she wants. Thank you everyone for your input. They always say, trust your gut, and I should have like you all said.

I've finally decided to seek legal advice. She worked all day and had a dinner and show with some work colleagues (all women) but she isn't home yet and it's almost 1am. She also packed an overnight bag but I didn't think much about it because she had to bring a change of clothes for the show. Now it's got me thinking if it's actually with Co-workers or if it is a guy. NGL it's probably the latter. I just feel stupid to be backed into the exact situation she wanted. I'm at home with the kids while she is out doing whatever she is doing. It's my son's birthday party tomorrow, I don't know how I can look at her and not get angry....

I feel like she keeps playing mind games with me. I told her that we needs to go over our finances and what to do with our assets (mainly the house). She tells me that she doesn't want to make a drastic change 'for the kids' and that she can take over the payments and everything for the house. ok but where does that leave me? She keeps suggesting that she can keep the house. I know I can't handle the payments right now due to the crazy interest rates but I don't want to leave the house to her unless she buys me out. I mentioned the legal separation agreement through a paralegal and she seemed to be shocked about it. She said "oh wow. So you've thought about this, haven't you?" Of course I have. My world has been turned upside down and she thinks that everything is just going to be the same except without me. She said that we can put it into our separation agreement where the house would go to her but if she ever sells the house, we would split the proceeds. I don't like that idea. Not one bit but because I could feel the anger building and I didn't want to say something I would regret, I told her that we would take a break and talk about the ins and outs tomorrow when we draft something up. Craziest thing, when she mentioned about her keeping the house, she asked where I was going to go. I initially said that I don't know. She mentioned that she would like me to be in the same town as her for my son so that he can come and visit me anytime. NO. Why would I want to see her and other guys come around to a place I use to consider my home? What a joke. When she said that, I immediately thought that it's not for my son, its more for her so that I can help her pick my son up if she's working late or whatever. I told her that if we were ever to get back together, I would be able to come back to this house knowing another man has been in my bedroom that we once shared. Then she has the audacity to joke about a reason to get a new bed. Or we can move somewhere else. but if we plan on moving somewhere else if we get back together, then clearly the house isn't that much of an issue to her. She doesn't sounds crazy when we're talking but all her requests are nuts. Like she's not thinking clearly. I said out of respect for me and my child, do not bring her lifestyle around him. Whatever she does is on her own time but when my child is around, he will see nothing and hear nothing about what she wants to do. She agreed but who knows.

Everything has been verbal. we haven't texted a lot for a while. just memes and videos

I do. I was just talking to my buddy about my situation because he just went through it a couple of years ago. We talked about the separation agreement and certain things that he put in it because his separation didn't have to go through mediation. We also talked about how to handle certain situations to ensure it's a smooth separation. We talked about me staying with my parents until we can figure out the sale/buyout of the house but at this point, I can't even have a conversation with my ex because it seems like she's pretty much done with our relationship. I don't care what she does but I will lose it if she starts to bring her issues and lifestyle around my son.

I agree. There were so many signs that I missed from throughout our relationship and this was one of them. I was so blinded by her beauty and my lack of self esteem that I didn't want to see the red flags. When she first wanted to leave 7 years ago, I did the same thing I am doing now. I started to work on myself and tried to live my life while she went to go see if the grass was greener. My problem was that I was working on myself to get her back, not to instill the changes for a better me. This time it's a little more involved but it's the exact same situation. That is why I feel back for my son. I put him in this situation that I could have prevented but then again I wouldn't have him in my life. That's the one good thing that came out of this relationship. I don't regret it because it's given me so much and has taught me a lot of lessons. I just wish it wasn't this hard to move on.

At this point, all my attention has moved to my son. I can't control her when she does go out and find whatever or whoever she wants to, as long as it doesn't affect my son. She told me that she if we were to separate, it would be a while before she actually starts dating so to me, I take that as she's completely done with me which I am fine with. I just don't have the energy to put into a one sided marriage.

Update: she talked to her brother and apparently he is in a polyamory relationship (not married, doesn't have kids) and so he provided her with information which kind of made her mind dead set on this kind of life style. She asked me if I would be open to that. I had to get clarification on what a polyamory relationship would look like to her. She mentioned that there would be 1 day a week where we can plan her day out and do whatever she wants, including dating someone else. I asked about sleeping with someone and overnight stays, and she said yes, that is an option. That answer crushed me. She said that we would designate a couple of days a week to go on dates with one another to and we would still do family things together however she or I would be free to do whatever we want on the 1 day we choose. I keep thinking about all these scenarios and can't help but think that the situation I am in now (living under the same house, co-parenting, finances are somewhat still together, freedom of doing what she wants) is sort of the open marriage she was requesting. I feel like I'm being forced into the lifestyle that she wants and I don't. If I'm already living in this relationship without the intimacy, then what the hell am I here for? She would just be a friend and we would be roommates to stay for the kids and I can't just do that. I don't believe in polyamory and I can't change my beliefs and values for someone who disrespects me like this. I plan on filing for a legal separation because I would rather value myself and work on myself than to go along with her plans and be a chump. I have a lot of work to do in self reflection but I know my worth and this is not worth it. Thanks for everyone's input on this situation. I know Polyamory can work with certain couples but I think in my situation, the honest and open communication was never there so I don't think this would work out in the end so why put off the inevitable.

Our conversations, like my emotions, are up and down. I try hard to stay calm and try to convey myself in ways that is gentle yet firm but sometimes my emotions get the best of me and I say things that come out wrong. I asked her that I don't want confrontation every time we talk about what the logistics will be for this separation because then nothing gets resolved. She mentions that sometimes when I say things, it comes out cold. I didn't know how to respond to this because I am trying to speak my truth in a respectful way. Long story short, we keeps saying she doesn't want to make things permanent and hopes that we can function as a family, however that may look. I am a guy who pours his heart and soul into everything I do. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I realize that it will get hurt more often than not but that is who I am and who I need to be ok with.

Thank you for your kind words. I mentioned marriage counseling to her the other morning and if she had any interest in going and she said that she wasn't up for that right now because she still needs space. It's only been a week so I get that but I will not get out of the house. I've been taking my son everywhere before we separated so it'll be no different now when she stays somewhere else. Again, I don't want to think that this is all about sex. I think she is just looking for someone in their masculinity and comfortable taking charge of situations. Unfortunately because I took care of everything in the house, I've taken on the more feminine energy role, which I think is what drove her away. Obviously there are a lot other things going on for her to make this decision but our communication wasn't the greatest. She would internalize everything and never tell me what is going on. I feel like I didn't create a safe enough space for her to share and that's what's killing me inside. I did everything for her physically but not emotionally. I go through the highs and lows and right now, I'm way down in the dumps. I try to psych myself up and self-talk, let myself know that I cannot change what I don't have control over, that I'm should be valued and respected in my partner but that nagging voice will sometimes creep in and just take over.

I've been watching countless videos and listening to podcasts from when this started almost a week ago and I'm starting to see what things I did wrong this whole relationship. I was not in my masculine. I thought that if I did everything and anything for her, she would be happy. Now I'm slowly realizing that I gave the feminine energy more than she did. Again, this is why I felt like I was losing myself in the relationship as well and at times felt alone. It's because I didn't have that nurturing person there to be able calm me down and let me know handle my masculine energy. There's obviously a lot more work that needs to be done on myself and it's definitely going to be a long road ahead. I've been through a long term break up before but I could go no contact and detach very quick as there were no attachments. This time is a little different. It'll be hard but I wouldn't change it for the world as this relationship gave me my son and that's who I need to focus on now.

I agree. I don't plan on moving out until we have settle things here. I was simply looking for options on how I can move forward in the future if certain things happen.

sorry I didn't really make it clear. I'm hoping that the teenager will stay at his father's house until we get things figured out here.

He idea was to do this until the end of the year so that it affect the children as it's close to their birthdays and Christmas then in the New Year, we would see how we feel about our situation being together and go from there. However having the children wondering why mom or dad is out of the house for certain periods of time and rarely in it together, to me, it doesn't make a difference whether she goes now or later. They're still going to be heartbroken

We have been married for almost 7 years (together for 13). I currently work in the house most of the time and she works mainly out of the house but also does work at home. We have a child together (7 y/o) and she has one from a previous relationship at 17. We had a joint account and she's been spending quite a bit of money the last couple of days so I mentioned that to her and we need to split our finances because I don't want to feel trapped like I have been the whole relationship. She makes considerably more money than me but she is the one always spending. I keep going back and forth on whether I want to sell the house and move somewhere else or try to keep the house somehow so that my son is able to stay at the same school and still have his friends to play with.