Val_76

I agree with what tgt say. The problem you're facing might not be in your surroundings, but inside of you. I discovered what being truly in love was when my first daughter was born. Before her I felt empty just like you and then it was like a sunshine. Suddenly I discovered what love was and I realised that no one ever made me feel loved (parents included). From that moment on I knew that I would never love anyone more than her and it's because I never really felt love by anyone... So far I've been with my gf for 7 years and I'm not really sure if I truly love her like they seem to love in the movies... she's my best friend, she's a wonderful mother, she's a good partner for all our projects, we have a great time together but I'm not sure if I will ever trust her or love her fully... that's what divorced parents give to their children, the impression that no relationship will hold when it's hard, that no one can stay together forever, that a big happy family is a myth and that it won't last. That's what my parents gave me, the feeling that the one I will love will betray me and leave me. I'm trying to be different but it's hard. The thing I realised with time is that I won't necesseraly be happier with another woman... I will feel different that's for sure, but not better. The grass might seem greener on the other side of the fence, but it might be bitter too. I'm ready for some sacrifice to give my children what I never had. Are you ready for that kind of sacrifice for you daughter? Will you step over some of your feelings to make her happy? Will you find the strengh inside of you to change the way you feel about things instead of changing the things and the people around you? Is something in your past preventing you from being happy today? You're after something you might never find, you want love from a man but you're empty inside... will you be able to give it when it will happen? And do you think the one you choose will necesseraly love you back the way you love him or will he be after a bigger love too?

You seem to have taken a path where you want to forget about her and get closure with this relationship so you can live your life and be happy. Just like a break up, you're losing your best friend and the person you cared the most about. Just like a break up you tell her goodbye and try to have no contact with her. She is far from you, living in another country and commited to someone. There is no way she will come your way. Losing her best friend will certainly break her heart but the question is: can you live like this forever? If the answer is no then you should not write back to her and draw the line here and now like you intended to do with your e-mail. Friends come and go, good ones just stay a little longer. Yes friendship is precious, but you two went beyond friendship and your heart is sinking because of this. Maybe she will come back, maybe she will then be available and maybe you will be available too, you never know. Thats not something to hope for. If you must write to her just don't put any condition for her to contact you (like to get in touch with only if she's single). You'll see what to do when the situation present itself. By then you will be a different man. Just tell her to get in touch with you if you don't want to burn your bridges with her and you'll see from there. By that time you may be engaged to a wonderful woman that made you forget about her, you never know. Maybe then you will be ready for only friendship with her. You should tell her to come around your place if ever she come back, if not wish her a good and happy life and tell you'll never forget her, then cut all strings attached to her. You'll need time to recover from this, hopefully she will understand that and she will give it to you.

Nevermind. I should stop reading these boards anyway and get out do some real stuff

Maybe he's fearing commitment, maybe he's taking so much pressure in his life right (job, talk of future, etc.) that he can't take it anymore. Maybe he doesn't say I love you because it will tie him up to you, make him feel trapped, will not give him the choice to be free and bail out when he wants, I really don't know... You should give him time, maybe all of this will sort itself out. 5 days is not much even if what he's doing to you is really cruel. Give him the time he ask for, if you love him you can do that much for him. I don't agree with the above poster when he say not to give him a time limit, you should not wait for him too long in the state you are now, I always felt that needing more than 2 weeks to make up your mind = break up. Give him a time frame. When the time is up consider the relationship over. Don't give him an ultimatum but make sure he understand the way you feel about all this. Make sure he can't step over your feelings without leaving a scar in your relationship. He must understand that he can't play with you like this forever. Don't lose your self respect over this.

You handled this really nicely if you ask me. Keep your end of the stick and you will feel much better. The change of address form is a really nice touch... it will make her think a lot, she will see you're getting your confidence back and that you are not a wreck anymore. Its the first move to get her back or to move on whatever you choose to do

Keep the NC rule in effect. Try not to talk to her. If you still have her e-mail address at work than use it for a really short message saying you'll send her any mail that will come your way to her as soon as you receive it. Don't go see her. You can also leave her a really short message directly to her voice box saying the same. Keep it short, sweet and polite. 11 days is not that long and she's starting to ask herself what you're doing, thereforeeee she will take any small things that still connect you two to get info. good luck.

I cannot see why marriage is that much of a deal those days for women. You have a men that is with you and that you love and you want to break up with him because he doesn't want to marry you. Of course he felt pressured by you, of course he took you to choose an engagement ring to appease you. He doesn't want to do it but he's afraid to lose you if he don't. What does he got to lose? everything if you ask me. If you 2 divorce he lose his house and if he earn more money than you he must pay for your support. Love is not enough to get married those days. Want to make him more safe? offer him to sign up a pre-marital contract that says that everything thats his stays his if you divorce. Most of us men fear to lose everything to the women we marry because we see that happen way too often... I saw it happen to my father... It scared me from marriage for a long time. Ask him what he fears from marriage, try to view it from his side instead of feeling betrayed. If you love him then you should give him a chance.

One thing you haven't said, are you two living together? Well if she's abusive then you should turn the things around. She control you because you fear her. You need to get mad at her a little to dump her. Do the things she dislike the most. Stay out late and don't tell her where you've been. Come back drunk if you need to sleep that night. Stop talking to her, just give her the silence treatment. Ignore her. Stop doing anything nice to her. Tell her she's boring. Tell everyone how she is with you, tell them how bad she makes you feel, she'll hear about it for sure. You're scared of the things she might say of you, well I really think this should be the least of your concern, this is one thing that will put aside the true friends from the false ones and if she's that abusive I'm sure it didn't go unoticed and people that value you will tell you that it was about time you dump her. Don't fear that because you will feel so relieved she's gone that it won't matter. Your scared that she might do something to herself... well everyone is responsible for their own act, you're not responsible of hers, thats manipulation, she'll do whatever she wants once she's alone and it will be her business. Of course you will receive hell by doing all of this but if you get mad at her you'll have more courage to dump her and when it'll happen she will less prompt to run after you. One last resort trick (please don't flame me over this, a desperate situation need desperate solution). One thing women can't stand is cheating. You don't really need to do it, you just need to say you did it. Don't think about it and drop the following sentence: I'm in love with someone else, its over between us... Once the bomb is dropped there will be no going back. Just pretend its true.

I agree with what you say down_n_down. Girls seems to have the high end on most relationship. They are a lot better than us at it too and they seem to make a point at always having a boyfriend. They are trained for it too since they are really young, I know I have an 8 year old daughter that talk to me about the best way to get a boyfriend. I guess its because they judge themselves all the time based on different criteria on of the most important being how good looking and smart (and rich) is the guy they are with. Competition between womens can be so tough. Shy guys can only wait for a girl to start a relationship with them since most girls don't even see them. I guess thats why married mens are so well seen by womens, they become desirable because they are marriage material so they must have something good to offer for most womens. Maybe mens are able to start the contact but its the woman that decide if she want to pursue it or not. How many times a guy have to hit on girls before scoring (figure of speaking). How many time do we get rejected? I think womens don't get rejected by mens that much, maybe by the most desirable of them that are chased around by all the womens but thats a small pourcentage of us.

I'm not really sure I agree with the above poster about unconditional love and about the fact you have a bad way to see the situation. I think being pregnant can be assimilated to having a gun in your back, it took you hostage of your situation. It happens a lot. Love is something that should go both ways. It should be given and it should be received. You're not supposed to be only a cleaner for your husband, you're supposed to exist in his heart too. You teach your children how to behave in society, the fact that the son of your husband act that way only show that he have no supervision whatsoever, it proves that he think he can do anything he wants without fearing any consequence because the only person that should take action when he's behaving badly (his father) do nothing to correct him. I'll say its almost too late for him now, it would take the work of both of you and your husband as a united parental authority to put him back on track. It doesn't seem that this is going to happen in a near future. I don't say its impossible for him to correct himself, I say its unlikely and its in fact likely to get worst. You should make sure that your son is never alone with him since jealousy could get in the picture and since the son of your husband seems to be violent you never know. I wouldn't go for a divorce right now since its the really last thing to do. Maybe you can save up whats left of the love you're feeling for your husband. I would go for a warning shot instead. If communication is failing and if your husband just take for granted that you will always be there to pick the things he drop on the floor than prove him wrong. You say you don't work and that he work at home. You should find another place to stay for some time. Be sure to state to him why you are doing all of this, be sure to try to communicate your fears to him before you do so. It if fails then just go decompress somewhere else like at your mothers place. Take your son with you and go take some vacations. If he's violent then call the cops. This should make him think. As to remake your life with your son and with someone that will love your son like its his its entirely possible. Don't fear to act because you fear to be alone in the future.

Well my father divorced my mother when he was around 40. He did so for a 27 year old girl (at that time) who knew that he was married and that he had 3 childrens. They had an affair for more than a year before my father confessed and he did so to end his marriage. He is now still with his young flame after 14 years and they have an 8 year old daughter (my half sister whose a sweet heart). I tough really bad things about my "stepmother" until I understood that my father lied to her big time about his relationship with my mother. In her eyes she was a monster and my father was a hero just to be able to stay around her for the sake of his boys... I found out (with time) that she's not a bad person and she was looking for a more mature men with whom to build a family. My father gave her all that she needed, stability, security, maturity and responsability. I also found out with time that she's very selfish and tend to think only about herself so I guess it didn't really bother her to steal someone's husband as long as he was what she was looking for. So to try to answer your question, I think some of the womens that get involved with married mens are lied too. Cheating mens tend to have a manipulative behaviour and tell whatevers needed to stay out of trouble or to get what they want. Its a game for them. Of course its the same for married womens who cheat, they are gamers that are able to convince their lovers that they are not the bad person in the story, that they will give them unconditional love when they'll find a way to get out of their unhappy marriage. I think single persons that fall for a married are lured in a trap designed by the cheater and its often hard to get out of it. When it comes down to feelings it everyone for themself I guess. So ask yourself if your husband lied to her after she found out he was married because he lied to her about being divorced. Even if she knew, she was already involved and with a promise of being the next after the divorce she could have wait for him a long time...

Well I don't see any problem with you dating a much younger men. Maybe he doesn't have the experience you have of life and even if he's still in school and you're not (are you?) it doesn't mean you have nothing in common. Of course you will have to fight some taboo our society have today about this kind of things and maybe you should wait for him to be 18 to be officialy dating an adult, other than that I say just go ahead and have fun. Meet his parent and make him meet yours, deal with this as you would if you were going out with someone in his 20's. What you will bring to his life is priceless, I know I would have loved to date an older girl when I was 17. You seem to get something out of the relationship too, so take it as a normal relationship and don't be condescendant to him because he's younger. Maybe his everyday life realities are not the same than yours but I'm sure he can bring you more than you ever expect. You seem to be really attentive and sensible and its perfect for this kind of relationship and its perfect because you are his first love. You will be the one to teach him about love and even if your couple don't last just live for the moment and enjoy your time together, what you will bring to each other is priceless.

All I can say to you is that you should really reevaluate your views on a relationship. First thing, if she told you about this its because she doesn't respect you and know you are too weak to let her go because of that. Then her values are way offline. If I had considered every fight I had with my wife a break up then I will be breaking up about once a month or so, and if that opened the opportunity to have an affair for both of us my house would be a bordel and my kids would call every guy they see daddy... anyway you see the point. The second thing is that she is most surely cheating on you with this guy and whoever she might be interested on. Why do I say that? well you had a fight and the same night she call him (meaning she have his phone number handy), she go get him at his place (meaning she knows wher he stays and he's jumping at her call), they make love in the bathroom (meaning he knows you're here and he doesn't care), she lie to you about who is on the couch (she have no respect for you, she lied and she will lie again) she come back to her place and make love to him again (euh where you back together at that time?). Now she tells you the whole story and don't even think its wrong (it means she have no respect for you whatsoever). Sooooo, you go on a fight she call her f***kfriend to come over even if you're around, they make love under your nose and then she lie to you about it. Can you imagine what goes behind your back? Can you think about all the things you don't know about? You now want to build a future with her. You ask yourself if what you did is cheating or not. I would ask myself what kind of lies she put on me those past 3 years if I were you and dump her in the worst possible way. Chances are that we will be making out with her buddy the exact same night of your break up. Your story is scary in a way because it shows how some people can play with other people feelings. Of course if you don't care and are a player too and take any chances you get to sleep around then its the best relationship you could get because she's doing that too. Are you that kind of guy?

I agree with down_n_down, there's no point in fooling around with a girl you don't like, just so you don't hurt her for nothing and fool around with her heart. Its so new thats its not even started so you have no problem there. The fact that you were drunk can explain a lot of things Play it cool, dump the girl you just met in the best possible and gentle way and get a nice guy reputetion. Try not to look like a jerk. You are rigth in your assumption that girls talk to each others about guys a lot. As for the other girl who have a boyfriend it should be a no touch situation. Don't play that kind of games but be a good player (if you see what I mean). Take the position of the guy who have a lot of fun with her, who's always there for her. Listen to her a lot, get to know her without being too untrisive in her life and her relationship with her boyfriend. I guess your feelings are kind of obvious for her anyway so she might already know you really like her. Don't put pressure on her by telling her your feelings for her, if she's happy in her relationship then they will be really unwelcome, if she's unhappy in her relationship then your declaration will come too soon as she will be in the process of dumping her current boyfriend and not in the mood for romantic feelings. Wait for your time to come, if ever a better girl come around then the wait would have been worth it anyway. Good luck on that one.

Well I'm not sure you should generalize about men like we won't generalize about womens. Yes mens have a tendency to want to see other womens and if their girlfriend permit them or are not strong enough to take their point to them then they will give the easy answer and just carry on. All mens are not like that, some of us have feelings and sensitivity. Some of us even have respect for womens you know. If you and your girlfriends don't act that way Oceaneyes let me say to you that me and my male friends don't either. We all have families to care about and we value a good barbecue over a night spent on watching girls dancing naked. Being young and selfish happens, being old and alone happens too, those place are for the ones that don't get to see naked women in any other way than by paying for it, then you have the ones that show no respect for their girlfriends by being there but thats another matter and should be taken individuously, not by generalizing that all men are pigs and that all men give "the excuse" to go in those places. I know I don't.