TrueHeart

Oh I think it was a comment on another part of the forum, you breifly mentioned your scenerio. You are definitely not alone, thus the name of the forum But keep your mind open... Remember, there are those out there, nameless/faceless people who care about you, and are here to lend a hand and an ear.

I really believe you are starting to see that in him now. Your ex's friend DOES have a point.. He moved on, so should you. But remember, you're not even friends with your X anymore, so dating his friend, is honestly HIS FRIEND's problem, NOT yours. Afterall, he's the one who has to deal with it, not you. Ultimately, you can take that one of two ways... but the other way is if you WERE friends with your X, than dating a mutual friend would be completely inappropriate, in my opinion. You really have to see it that way, love.. Complete strangers giving you more time than that "boy" does... We are here for a reason. I admit this forum has truly helped me realize SO much about myself, and truly helped me cope and find the hidden strength in myself. It takes a lot.. Its been my saving grace. I'm glad to know you don't call him.. Having mutual friends is hard, I also share mutual friends w/ my XBF, and also my XXBF-- so I know the stress it can cause. Especially that you also attend the same school, do you not? I'm happy you have found the strength within you to be a better person... remember, HIS loss--- not YOURS... Love you!!!

I completely agree with this statement. I can relate to you, Flower-- and your efforts to try to bring peace and acceptance are admirable, to say the least. I am 23, and my new BF is 44, so I can quite understand the age-gap relationship. He too has 2 kids, is divorced.. and his kids are very good friends of mine... both at 20 and 21. Love knows no bounds, and we certainly didn't expect it. The family acceptance on something like this with age-gap relationships is one of the toughest nuts to crack. Time truly only tells on this matter. My BF has been a family friend for 8 years, and we were the best of friends that just blossomed into a relationship. As long as YOU'RE happy, and your BF truly understands that the scenerio is being looked on is only because of the arrangement you're in, especially him being divorced w/ 2 kids, not truly HIM as a person.. Then again, I come from a multi-generational family.. My parents are in their mid 60's and my siblings are in their 30's and 40's. It also helps being almost 24. I also agree with Dream that the reason your parents accept it so well is because its NOT their daughter. In other words, they don't have to deal with it... To them, her BF is just another friend of the family. I do not believe they are doing it to show favoritism or perhaps rub anything in your face, you might just be taking it that way. I'm no stranger to older men, I've dated a man who was 33 , and one who is 44... What a difference! The 33-year old acted like he was a spoiled little 25 year old baby.. No kids, never married, but had TONS of emotional baggage-- and that was the worst... I remember reading one of your previous posts, and had to comment. I don't know if I helped much, but wanted to let you know that there are those out there who understand your scenerio.

Mikey- The hardest thing to lose is a best friend, especially one you loved. I know that because I too had to leave my best friend. We parted company when things just got too dramatic between us. I do miss the times we had, all those years I invested into him... Sadly though, it is a shame. The only thing to hope for is that she misses you back also.. Maybe the time away from eachother will do some good. But, don't get your hopes up. You have to be ready to accept that she doesn't want to be your friend, or possibly doesn't want to talk to you anymore... Perhaps she's moved on, and feels guilty about talking to you?? Who knows. My point is that you really don't know what is going on with HER either. I truly do hope and pray that things do pan out for the best for you, whatever that might be. Just remember, for every closed door-- a window opens..

Well, my friend.. I honestly think that you do just miss the companionship. Plainly put, you are in love with who SHE WAS, not who SHE IS-- thats what you keep hanging on to. Its sad, I do that too with Adam-- I miss the companionship, but ultimately, I know I'm better off without him. The lingering still will be there, I think , because you loved her so deeply before, kinda leaves a scar.. I still care about my first, and I still do have feelings for Adam-- but again, I know he's not good for me either, just doesn't stop the feelings inside. I just miss what we had: the companionship. The only remedy to that problem, my friend, is honestly to try to date other women more. I know you had one girl that was in your life for a bit, but you'll need someone that can commit as much as you. Believe it or not, they're out there! Miss chatting with you...!!

Ated- One thing you must realize is that he HASN'T changed since you and he broke up. You shouldn't envy her, you should pity her.. She DID NOT land a prize. Hes only doing this to aggrivate you because he knows it still pushes your buttons. This vendictive type of behavior is very cruel.. Don't call your friend and tell him to tell him to stop hanging out with her... Thats indeed foolish and CRIES "jealousy" which is EXACTLY what he wants. He's the type of person (I dare not address him as a 'man') that gets his kicks off making people feel bad to heighten himself as well as pitting women against eachother to fight over him. He's not worth it. But YOU need to accept that fact. It doesn't matter how many times WE tell you, YOU are the one you need to convince. YOU. He isn't worth it... and ANYONE who cares about you in the slightest way would DARE NOT ever put you through that. Yes, his GF knows about you.. but thats it... he's the kind of guy who would lie to HER too if it meant having his cake and eating it too... Ultimately, he wants his GF to get jealous over you and want to fight you to get you out of his life.... Again, he gets his kicks out of it... You really just need to leave him alone.. Stop calling him, if you see him in public, walk away. The temptation is great at first, but it does fade out... Read others stories and you'll know it works. I never believed it also, but I had to accept that Adam wasn't the man I used to love anymore... and that pure fact closed the book on us forever. I was sad at first, tempted to call/see him... but I started seeing friends and eventually fell back in love again.... My point is: It DOES happen. You're not giving yourself enough credit. You are a person that loves, he's a person that lusts... I truly hope that this little pep talk helped a bit.. There are those nameless, faceless people out there who DO care about you...

Dream has a very VERY great point. I've been with my boyfriend for maybe a few weeks officially, but we've been seeing eachother exclusively since Halloween. I would have to say its been a miraculous few weeks. I agree that the family issues are probably the only hang-up right now. Both his and my family officially do not know that we are 'dating' exclusively. Right now, the timing is very bad due to that he's in the midst of a lengthy divorce. I already know that my family would eventually warm up to the idea that he and I are seeing eachother, in fact, my older siblings already know and are ok with it. It has been different these past few weeks. He's the oldest man I've ever dated before, and it seems like a whole new world. I feel more connected to him than anyone I've ever been with. I've always had long-term relationships that lasted more than 2 years on the average... I feel confident that his/my family will eventually be ok with us dating. But again, the timing may not EVER be right, per say, but there is a point where it would be more appropriate.. I guess I just have to accept the lesser of 2 evils.

I couldn't have said it better...

Thanks folks... A breif update.. Since he now knows that I have a new BF, he pulled the whole "I've been hurt again, my heart is broken" line-- even though he pushed me away months ago, he acted like I broke his heart by moving on (which was exactly what he told me to do)-- Its just I couldn't win. I haven't heard from him, seen him or spoken to him in a week... I don't think that he will ever call again, but I will expect it will be because he wants to 'find out how im doing'-- either way.. Its no great loss..

I do thank you for your reply.. The connection there is a strong one... More on the lines of intellectualism and conversation. I would never do anything to hurt him, or his family. The same applies to me. I was raised in a multi-generational family, my parents in their 60s, and siblings in their 30s and 40s. The temptation to really do things with him physcially is great, I will admit. I cannot promise that I wouldn't sleep with him, because it most likely will happen. There is always the risk of being caught since no one really knows about our love affair. Again, other issues have to be addressed before that becomes an option. But boy, oh boy it sure has tested my self-control..

Thanks a ton guys! You know, I was really skeptical on posting this because I've had some issues in the past with "younger counterparts" (thanks Day Walker).. I admit that sex for me IS more psycological than anything else. Its nice to LOVE and be LOVED in return. All of you hit it on the nose! I really don't mind that him being 44 and me being 23--- as far as the 'faded sex drive' curse-- because he sure can keep up... in fact, I have a hard time keeping up with him! We did bond in other ways besides through sex... Our attraction (atleast on my end) began a few years ago. I always had a little crush on him... he just was everything I wish I could find in a man for myself... Kind, chivelrous, polite, charismatic and articulate. We bonded first by drinking the same kind of beer Guinness, he was my Guinness buddy. We do connect on so many levels... sex is just a perk, honestly-- but he LOVES me when we do have sex. Therein lies the world of difference. The more and more we spend time together, the more that connection just grows. Some people just wouldn't understand, so how do we actually break it to them gently???

Hi folks! Recently I've been dating an older man 22 years my senior.. I got to be completely frank to say that he rocks my world! I've known him for almost 8 years now, and our friendship blossomed into love. Needless to say, we absolutely DIDN'T expect this one coming! I think about him constantly all day, everyday. He's never out of my thoughts. He texts me telling me he loves me, thinks about me. When I'm with him, I just melt, and I can see in his eyes that he just takes me in every breath he takes. Our physical, mental and emotional attraction came first before this, but THATS whats gotten me so attracted to him. I've always dated somewhat older men because I just don't really click with the mentality of men my own age. I feel like I'm so much passed all the games, manipulativeness and immaturity. I just feel like I might not ever be adaquate enough for him having so much more years and experience on me. Is it just that I've found my soul-mate, or something else? I have to also disclose that I've been with 5 other people, all long term relationships except 2 of them.... and out of all of them, he's truly the most remarkable man I've ever made love with. Is it the age? Or simply that I've found my one true match in this crazy world? I just can't place it.... Any advice helps!

Your story moved me, and you are very passionate about how you feel about him. I myself being with an older man, can respect the fact that when he looks at me, its like he can see right to my soul, kiss it and then melt into my body. Truly I thought there would never be words for how I felt, but you've compiled them so perfectly, I now know that this language CAN comprehend the human emotion. About your situation... He seems to be a loving, passionate person too.. Reach out to him and ask him directly.. Especially after knowing him for 5 years... Be honest with your feelings, and speak your mind. I truly believe you have found your soulmate-- for you to understand how much someone loves you.. therein lies the blessing..

I'm 23, and my boyfriend (recently) is 44. He does have sons at 21 and 20- and I know that the relationship slightly bothers them, if not a lot. However, they said their issue is with their father not me. I've known the family for over 8 years. It CAN be more difficult because older men tend to have more 'baggage' (lack of a better term) than younger men.. i.e, kids, ex-spouses. All I can say is that I NEVER expected him of all people. I've dated men 10 years my senior, and of my own age... and Its all about how 'relationship savvy' one is.. Age is just a number if you connect on a more intellectual and emotional level. Worked for me so far. Not to mention that I'm completely and totally attracted to him physically. But once that fades, all there is left is the love that remains... and THATS the strength right there....!

I've dated older men in the past before, my first was 2.5 years older, and recently I had a 2-year relationship with someone who was 10 years older. The maturity level on my 21 year old ex was higher than my 33 year old ex.... ! Maturity level has EVERYTHING to do with it. Age is just a number to me. I am 23, and I enjoy the company and companionship of older men. Only because I find that my mentality is not that of a "typical" 23-year old. In fact, some (not all) men who are my age bother me because they have a tendency to play games more and be dishonest... I do things that women in their early 20s do still, but I've always been able to relate to older men a lot more. Currently, I am dating a 44-year old man who I've known for 8 years.. We were the best of friends that just blossomed into love.... Didn't see it coming!!! But I'm glad it did-- because he's wonderful!

I've really been more open minded about age-gap relationships lately within the past 3 years. I really do not enjoy dating men my age because most (not all) are immature and play games. I'm not saying that there is a certain age that doesn't, but its more common in younger men. I have dated men 10 years my senior, and recently someone who is 20 years my senior. I have to say the man who was 10 years my senior acted like a little kid.... Oy! I really enjoy the company of older people only because I come from a multi-generational family. Guess it just depends on who you are...

To be honest, my last BF was 10 years my senior, and I thought that was for sure as old as I'd ever go! I do also look at the fact that its not just people in their 40s, its just him. Strange how love can take so many faces, places and times. I too have a hard time connecting with those of my own age group. I still like to do all those things mentioned, and strangely, my new crush does also. Its almost as if I wish I was born earlier.

Laura, indeed crushes are a hard thing to really get out of your mind and heart sometimes-- they just hit you.. Curious though, does this gentleman whose captivated your heart know that you care about him this way? I do agree that you would need to really focus on a few 'home-body' things. More or less just because you're only 16, and thats by no means an insult. If it gives you any perspective, I was engaged at 17 years old, thought the man I was going to marry was everything--- well, I can assure you that the engagement ended badly when I was 19, and now that I'm 23, I really do not regret the relationship, but I am happy that I never married him. Interests, perspectives and even wants and desires change with growing women between the ages of 16-20. Give yourself some time, if your feelings are still strong when you've had a chance to really analyze the infatuation, then perhaps if he doesn't know about your crush-- then would be a good time to tell him. This doesn't make you 'sick' in anyway, just goes to prove that even love can come in many different faces.

We spoke last night and it almost was a the same song and dance. Him attempting to make me feel guilty because he 'claims he loves me too much and thats why he hurts'-- his Guilt Trip 101 speech. He's using the love we have as a trump card to tug at my heart strings, I know that. Still, I cannot figure him out-- and I have started seeing a nice man who does respect and treat me nicely. He adores me and I share the same adoration. With Adam (my ex) its just difficult at times to even attempt a friendship. I always feel myself getting sucked back into him, and then he hurts me again either by my feelings or mentally. Truly he isn't a bad guy, its just I cannot stand these drunken outbursts!!! How should I confront this issue?? I do value his friendship... But I am having a hard time wondering if its worth it.

And I certainly don't because even though he does still love me, I take sex very seriously-- its more emotional for me, and I cannot connect with someone like that if I know they're just going to push me away in the end... I just dont know how to keep confronting this issue.. He's such a bad alcoholic.. He told me I was 'acting weird lately' probably because I've been distant since he told me I was taking the relationship too seriously. I also have been sort of 'dating' someone else... not officially, but I'm rather exclusive to him. He is aware that my X still calls, but there is no problem there.. Honestly, I have little to no interest to even be intimate with him-- even though its my hearts desire. Trying to date others has really helped me to cope with the time it will take to heal. I do love his friendship, but I cannot stand these out-cries for attention on that level.. Just proves he doesnt respect me as much as he claims...

I never can figure men out.. My XBF always calls me to talk/chat/do something when he's heavily intoxicated or well on his way. Just last night he kept texting me saying he's wasted, wanting me to come over to have sex, and so on.. After telling me earlier that day that he's busy and won't talk to me until Sunday. In addition, he's made it very clear that we are not ever going to reconcile ever again, and that he "just doesn't love me like he used to". But that he loves me, wants to see me-- blah blah blah Why does he do that? I answered some of his texts, but not all. He even asked me why I was acting "weird" because I haven't been calling/seeing him lately. He really hurt me when he told me that "I was taking our relationship too seriously." I did once go to his house when he was drunk, we slept together and the whole thing.... the next day, he woke up and didn't even know I was there or what happened.. Help!

Sometimes playing games with the heart, my dear.. are the worst kind of games. No one wants to feel replaced or rejected. Going on what I remember about your previous posts quite a while ago, I would still stick to my guns. Based on what I know of this guy, hon, I highly doubt that his new GF knows that he still talks to you. Remember 'having your cake and eating it too?'-- It took me a while to accept that my XBF and I would ultimately would never be together again, at least for many years in separation to come. Who knows. But I had to determine on my own that he just wasnt good for me, and furthermore, what he displayed himself as a friend was to me... Not a good one. I always felt like I was being put down, and not appreciated at all. Anyone that gets enjoyment out of seeing anyone suffer is perverted in the worst way

Others opinions can be very VERY intimidating, especially in a wider age-gap relationships. My parents are in their 60s, and most of my siblings are in their 40s and 30s-- so I'm used to the older generation mentalities and atmosphere. Its good to keep an open mind when it comes to love. You just never can tell who or when its going to hit, and what form it will take. People who have truly been in love before know exactly what I'm talking about.

I have to say that reading this post on this forum has given me more hope in people who are remaining open minded. I have recently fallen in love with a man who is 44 and I'm 23. When we're together, the age thing doesn't even seem like it exists. We're completely open and honest with eachother, and have known eachother for about 8 years-- I don't want things moving too fast, but things just take its course. Additionaly, I wanted to say that letting the family issues get involved is a #1 hazard. Its an obstacle that has to be reached soon... Thats the only thing I have to worry about at this point in time. I haven't told him that I've really fallen for him, but its coming soon.

Perfectly legitimate to feel skeptical. Especially after a 3 month limbo of just 'being friends'-- sometimes couples, including married people-- need a break from the monotany. If your insecurities are that of what brought on the break-up, and things are going well... perhaps you might want to discuss this with him.. Remember, communication is #1 in a relationship, and the ability to really convey your feelings and get feedback... Be upfront with him.. Trust your gut, not your heart. If you are certain things are meant to be, chances are-- they probably will. However, since you remain so analytical about things-- maybe you both need to sloooww down. Take things one at a time. Hope this helps, but the sole purpose of advice is to inspire thoughts from a different perspective... 8)