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Thread: Ex of over a decade has publicly called me abusive

  1. #1
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    Ex of over a decade has publicly called me abusive

    Recently, I was told my ex-wife has posted to her social media that I was a domestic abuser. She does not name me, but does refer to our marriage and that it ended at a specific time, which makes it pretty easy to identify that she is talking about me. In the subsequent comments on the post, she further suggests that she feared for her physical safety and that she was unable to work or date for several years after the divorce. I had minimal contact with her for a brief period after the divorce, and have had no contact at all with her since.

    There is no substance to her statements, and I'm very, very uncomfortable that she has put this out there. These statements were posted on publicly viewable pages that she maintains for business purposes and seems to have brought this up as a way to promote a product. It's extraordinarily easy for employers, romantic interests, and other relations to access it if they know her name.

    Is there anything I can do about this? SHould I do anything?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    A business wouldn't know your ex's name nor wouldn't Google her if they did. They would look at your name under civil court records at counties you've lived in, and would see that you don't have any record, if you don't, including no reference to domestic violence.

    And how would a new romantic interest know her name?

    Any friends of yours who are truly friends and know this is a lie will continue being your friends.

    You can either ignore this, or you can contact her and tell her to remove it or you will take her to court for liable/slander, since she has no proof if she'd never called the cops on you.

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    So, a friend of mine once showed me her separation agreement (or divorce agreement, unfamiliar with the terminology) that said that they weren't permitted to speak negatively about each other to their kids. Does your agreement have something similar or maybe related to what you're allowed to say about each other in a public way?
    I would message her and ask her to please remove those references and politely write that they are untrue and likely to cause issues. And you can say that if she doesn't you might have to contact the social media site, etc.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You may need to talk to a lawyer for a cease and desist letter. Your real friends will know it's all BS.

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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    A business wouldn't know your ex's name nor wouldn't Google her if they did. They would look at your name under civil court records at counties you've lived in, and would see that you don't have any record, if you don't, including no reference to domestic violence.

    And how would a new romantic interest know her name?

    Any friends of yours who are truly friends and know this is a lie will continue being your friends.

    You can either ignore this, or you can contact her and tell her to remove it or you will take her to court for liable/slander, since she has no proof if she'd never called the cops on you.
    My state maintains online records of divorces, among other things. If you look me up, you'll find the name. While I don't talk about my ex-wife often with anyone, let alone new romantic partners, I'm concerned that I'll no longer be able to discuss anything at all about it, or feel paranoid that I may end up having to explain to someone curious about her that I didn't abuse my ex-wife. It's all conjecture and I'm obssessing a bit in the wake of these accusations, which were the first I really heard anything about my ex in nearly ten years.

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    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    You may need to talk to a lawyer for a cease and desist letter. Your real friends will know it's all BS.
    I agree with melancholy. Get screenshots of everything, go back aways too to make sure there isn't more of this crap, and see a lawyer for a C&D letter.

    Sometimes that's all it takes to make someone take something down and cut the s__t. What she says privately is her business but this letter may make her stop posting publicly about her perceived dirty laundry.

    I would not reach out to her at all. You don't want to open that box of monkeys. Talk to a lawyer and deal with this legally speaking.

  8. #7
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    My friend was married to a man who had one affair after another. She stayed with him for years despite knowing about the affairs because she decided he was "depressed" and was sleeping with all those other women to relieve his alleged depression. Finally the affairs became so blatant that she really had no choice but to divorce him.

    After a year or two she decided he was "abusive". She's one of those who constantly Google diagnosis people. She started posting abuse memes and links to articles on Facebook, calling herself a "brave survivor of abuse". She still has lots of people as Facebook friends who she met through her husband, so of course they have to see these posts.

    I don't communicate with her ex husband for obvious reasons, but from what I hear his career hasn't been hurt at all. And he married his most recent affair partner, so his romantic life didn't suffer.

    I think people will take it for what it appears to be...an ex wife who perhaps is not succeeding at life or is dissatisfied or unhappy and is looking for someone to blame.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    That's a tough one. There's always a chance someone could come across something. Best you can do is limit that opportunity. For instance, if your facebook profile has "divorced" listed, remove it. I'd remove any wedding photos or anything you've got her tagged in from your page. Avoid drawing attention to it by publicly defending yourself.

    Libel and slander are among the most difficult crimes to prosecute. If she's not naming you, even if people can easily connect the dots, it's even harder. Feel free to contact a lawyer and see if there is any room for recourse, though.

    I'll be honest. This is just kind of a having been dealt a ****ty hand situation. Best you can do is not make it worse. Keep being an honest and respectable guy and hopefully-- should she even keep it up-- they'll see through her theatrics. I wouldn't reach out with her and provide her anything she could even remotely spin as fuel against you. Laying low allows you to continue to document should she escalate it to a point you should take action. In the meantime, I wouldn't upset her and potentially provoke her to be more concerted and damaging with her lies.

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I'd call her up in and calm respectful manner and ask her to remove the post first, before I contacted a lawyer.

    I think that's the first question a lawyer will ask you. If you tried to handle it yourself first.

    There may be an easy solution to this otherwise uncomfortable situation. But you wont know unless you ask.

    Don't engage her in a debate and end the call if it starts to go sidewways.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I'd call her up in and calm respectful manner and ask her to remove the post first, before I contacted a lawyer.

    I think that's the first question a lawyer will ask you. If you tried to handle it yourself first.

    There may be an easy solution to this otherwise uncomfortable situation. But you wont know unless you ask.

    Don't engage her in a debate and end the call if it starts to go sidewways.
    That's well-intended, but I wouldn't. Someone in a mental state where they'd make false accusations of domestic abuse typically isn't going to turn around with an "aw, shucks." I'd much more expect her to update her following with how she was just contacted and threatened for speaking out.

    At the end of the day, documentation is key, and if he can avoid tipping her off that he or someone he knows is seeing these posts, he'll probably be better served in the long-run.

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