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Everything posted by biscuit2020

  1. Whether or not they have an exclusive romantic relationship doesn't really play into it, at least as far I'm willing to admit to myself right now. I'm obviously personally hurt that she's chosen to have a relationship of some sort with someone else rather than reconcile with me, but that's my problem. Maybe I should not have expected her to be honest with me about it, but if someone were trying to rekindle a relationship with me, I'd tell them if I was seeing someone else, even if that didn't affect how I felt about getting back together. I suspect she's keeping it from me because she knows I'd stop trying and disappear if I knew.
  2. It feels awful and I'm very embarrassed of myself. She's obviously free to do what she wants, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
  3. I strongly suspect that it's more than a FWB situation since she's on at least one occasion lied to me to cover up that she was seeing him, but it doesn't matter anymore. I need to accept that we're strangers. It's not like I'd consider her at all trustworthy even if she had some revelatory change of heart.
  4. You're exactly right. I just want to let this go. THere is a lot of shame surrounding this, like a bullied kid who won't tell anyone or stop it because he doesn't want to acknowledge what's happening.
  5. She definitely wanted something to do with me. We were seeing each other and talking to one another, and even slept together a few times. You're right though that it isn't just bad luck. I've definitely allowed things I'm not comfortable with to continue and I don't know why. I guess in this case I had invested a lot and carried a good amount of guilt. I'm also two months into a brand new life and feeling very rootless. I just need to walk away from all this but it's honestly most of what I have right now. I've tried building up my support network and it's helped, but it's still awfully lonely. I don't htink I'm acting like a wounded little bird, but I admit that I should not be surprised to see how far she's willing to take it when I allow her to.
  6. I'd suspected she'd been hiding something and I did a little research that I'm not proud of. Her car wasn't where it should be if she'd been telling me the truth. It was outside the house of a guy she said she had no interest in. It was there last night.
  7. My reluctance during the relationship was mostly about being uncertain that I could make the sort of commitment that she reasonably expected. I loved her. When we split, I was surprised how strong the grief was. The limbo afterward was maintained by her. I was very consistent in what I wanted. This is definitely not a situation I'd like to maintain. I need to cut all contact again, and the only real decisions surrounding that involve whether or not I explain myself. I'm mostly interested in understanding the behavior and any role I might have had in it.
  8. She's 27, I'm 33. She clearly has no respect for anyone. I mean good god. She's so polished and committed to these lies. It's something you'd need to experience first-hand to fully appreciate. I'm still stuck on her because I genuinely think our connection was incredibly strong and deep. It was honestly the best relationship I've ever had, and I regret how my own issues and patterns of handling conflict affected it. I'm also just profoundly confused about why she'd bother deceiving me in the first place. I wouldn't have been elated to hear that she was seeing someone, but it's not like I would have had a right to be upset, since the relationship was over and it was I who pulled the plug on it. The grief has surged back and I'm tired. The letter, the crying on the phone, the defeated and exhausted tone in her voice as she said she wanted to come back, it was all a farce.
  9. I broke up with my gf of two years back in mid-June. She'd been pressing for commitment and I was becoming increasingly aloof, so I ended it. She was very upset, or at least seemed to be. A month later I tried to get her back. This went on for two months. I had the feeling she was seeing someone else, but she insisted she was not. Ultimately, I broke off contact. She was lying. I know she has a boyfriend, and it's the same guy she was seeing last summer. After about a month of no contact, I received a letter from her, saying she thinks of me all the time and misses me but still doesn't know what she wants. I responded, outlining the reasons I failed in the relationship and why i think ending it was the wrong idea. We talked on the phone, she became emotional, and she said she wanted to get back together but just wanted to communicate for now. I asked her again if she were single, and she said she wouldn't be talking to me if she weren't. She is with her new boyfriend for the weekend but she insists that she's just home alone, depressed and miserable. She texts me "i love you" while is with the other guy. She's super evasive about talking on the phone when it hasn't been planned in advance, and cannot I'm not really looking for advice, I'm just looking to understand. I'm honestly shocked at how far she is willing to go to maintain her fiction. It's nuts. Please help me explore what's happened and try to reach some understanding of this behavior. It's unlike anything I've ever seen. She's so, so convincing. I'd really have no idea what was going on if I had taken her at her word.
  10. I know, but honestly it wasn't abusive, at least I don't think so. We were both shocked that the police showed up. I don't know why I even feel the need to explain it here. I just feel extremely scrutinized all over again and it's odd how quickly I feel right back in the space I was in ten years ago. I know I need to do all I can to put as much distance between us as possible and erase her from my life. I have sought therapy for depression and I feel like I'm much better off now, but in some ways the old difficulties just yielded to newer ones. I'm really trying to work through the commitment phobia and I appreciate all the advice I get.
  11. I'm just anxious and obsessing a bit. She does have a few hundred people on her social media accounts and seeing the things she's said and how much support she'd getting is uncomfortable. I feel like I've been maligned and pilloried for the sake of building a brand. I wish I never knew about this.
  12. Yes, I'm still pining over my most recent ex. My commitment issues were almost entirely about my ex-wife. This whole "abusive" thing has taken me right back to that place ten years ago, afraid to openly discuss anything or show any emotion at all out of fear that she'd start telling her friends and family I was abusing her. This was something she liked to doing. obviously i wasn't a saint and occasionally became impatient, lost my temper, or was unkind, but the way she would present herself as helpless little girl when just the night before she was throwing things at me was frightening to behold, and she'd be so vague in the way she described it that a concerned party would think the worst. Once her mother ended up called the police because we had a verbal argument. it was absurd the way she'd spin things, and she was so convincing, like she truly believed the things she would say. Anyway it all ended pretty disastrously and the last I heard from her was an "i miss you" text about 8 months after the divorce was final. I'd been glad feeling like I could put all that behind me, and it hurts to know i need to absolutely quarantine it and possibly go on the initiative to combat it. I feel like i can't share that experience with someone because they might believe her. Anyway, so yes, my commitment issues stems largely from my experience iwth my ex-wife. I'd hoped to have put that behind me. I'm still pretty stupidly in love with my most recent ex-girlfriend and have felt very emotionally unsettled, and these accusations/implications have sent me reeling the last few days.
  13. That's the plan for now, but I"m very hurt and confused. She'd thrown "Abusive" at me a few times as the marriage was failing, but to see something like this ten years after the fact has pretty well shocked me. What's really funny is that she'd been on my mind a bit and I'd genuinely considered reaching out and seeing if we could have a cordial friendship of some sort. I mean, I'm glad I'm not married to her anymore but we did spend a good chunk of our lives together, you know? I'm sorry to hear that you had to deal with a similar thing. DId anyone ever mention your ex's allegations to you?
  14. I've just spent an hour absolutely scouring my facebook to remove any trace. I think I'll need to mention this to a few family members who had posted photos of us, as well.
  15. My state maintains online records of divorces, among other things. If you look me up, you'll find the name. While I don't talk about my ex-wife often with anyone, let alone new romantic partners, I'm concerned that I'll no longer be able to discuss anything at all about it, or feel paranoid that I may end up having to explain to someone curious about her that I didn't abuse my ex-wife. It's all conjecture and I'm obssessing a bit in the wake of these accusations, which were the first I really heard anything about my ex in nearly ten years.
  16. Recently, I was told my ex-wife has posted to her social media that I was a domestic abuser. She does not name me, but does refer to our marriage and that it ended at a specific time, which makes it pretty easy to identify that she is talking about me. In the subsequent comments on the post, she further suggests that she feared for her physical safety and that she was unable to work or date for several years after the divorce. I had minimal contact with her for a brief period after the divorce, and have had no contact at all with her since. There is no substance to her statements, and I'm very, very uncomfortable that she has put this out there. These statements were posted on publicly viewable pages that she maintains for business purposes and seems to have brought this up as a way to promote a product. It's extraordinarily easy for employers, romantic interests, and other relations to access it if they know her name. Is there anything I can do about this? SHould I do anything?
  17. Thank you all for the advice, but she was seeing someone else the entire time. I don't know why she didn't just tell me so I could stop wasting my energy and keeping me emotionally and physically available. It's not like we could break up again.
  18. I know I treated her terribly. I didn't think I could give her what she wanted. I know she deserved much better than this, but I genuinely thought it was the right thing to do. It seems very, very disingenuous and I don't blame her at all for being extremely wary. I have awful commitment issues but I think i needed to be without her to get past them. I don't for a second think I can just walk back into the boyfriend role like nothing happened.
  19. I do wonder if I'm just being selfish, but I think her feelings for me are genuine, and mine absolutely are. I've made it clear that I'm willing to do the work necessary to mend the relationship if it's possible.
  20. I did act like a snake, and I"m sure you're right that her support network has advised her to move on. I'm not crawling back because I'm horny or lonely. I made a mistake and having lost her realized that I wanted to commit. It's been truly devastating to not have her in my life and I don't know if I can ever make this right. That might sound insincere or impulsive, but I've never felt this way after a break up, not even after an emotionally crushing divorce. I feel pretty helpless in the face of it.
  21. A few months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of two years. She'd been increasingly hinting at commitment, and I'd begun pulling away. I'm terribly scared of being hurt and taken advantage of, and I put a lot of distance between us. Ultimately, I broke it off with her because I did not think I could give her what she reasonably wanted. A month later, I began experiencing feelings that I did not think I would have, and realized I made a mistake. I tried to get her back, but she was not having it. She's very, very hurt and resentful, especially because shortly after I broke it off, she had to move apartments and undergo foot surgery. She says that she is still ridiculously in love with me, but unsure if she can ever trust me again. I've owned up to all my mistakes and told her I was ready to commit, but she's still very skittish and evasive. We did spend the night together a few weeks ago and seemed to reconcile, but she called it off the next day. I want to fix this very badly, but I don't think I can. She insists that she still loves me and thinks about me constantly, but she's not reaching out very often and I'm beginning to wonder if there is someone else. She has a tinder account, and I've asked her about that, but she says she only uses it to feel attractive and get a little attention. I'm not sure if I believe her. Even if there is someone else, I don't know why she'd lie about it, and truly, I'd understand why she'd be interested in other men after my aloof, sometimes cold demeanor toward her. I've been an absolute wreck about this, and the emotions are sometimes overwhelming. I don't really know what my next move should be. I don't know if I should maintain limited contact and feel it out, go all in and try to reconcile (which hasn't worked so far), or disappear completely.
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