Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 29

Thread: Ex of over a decade has publicly called me abusive

  1. #11
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    4,636
    Ok so, as someone who truly had her name slandered by an ex husband I can tell you, it’s going to amount to nothing. At best it might amount to some drama had she named you, but she didn’t, and the truth is, no ones invested enough in your story or her story to google track down who she’s talking about, that’s the reality, naming yourself by going at her would cause more drama, that’s the honest truth, the most simple and drama free solution is to let it go.

    You need to emotionally let go.

    And whatever ‘friend’ told you about this, probably best to cut them loose as well.

  2. #12
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Posts
    21
    Originally Posted by j.man
    That's a tough one. There's always a chance someone could come across something. Best you can do is limit that opportunity. For instance, if your facebook profile has "divorced" listed, remove it. I'd remove any wedding photos or anything you've got her tagged in from your page. Avoid drawing attention to it by publicly defending yourself.
    I've just spent an hour absolutely scouring my facebook to remove any trace. I think I'll need to mention this to a few family members who had posted photos of us, as well.

  3. #13
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Posts
    21
    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    You need to emotionally let go.
    That's the plan for now, but I"m very hurt and confused. She'd thrown "Abusive" at me a few times as the marriage was failing, but to see something like this ten years after the fact has pretty well shocked me. What's really funny is that she'd been on my mind a bit and I'd genuinely considered reaching out and seeing if we could have a cordial friendship of some sort. I mean, I'm glad I'm not married to her anymore but we did spend a good chunk of our lives together, you know?

    I'm sorry to hear that you had to deal with a similar thing. DId anyone ever mention your ex's allegations to you?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    4,636
    Originally Posted by biscuit2020
    That's the plan for now, but I"m very hurt and confused. She'd thrown "Abusive" at me a few times as the marriage was failing, but to see something like this ten years after the fact has pretty well shocked me. What's really funny is that she'd been on my mind a bit and I'd genuinely considered reaching out and seeing if we could have a cordial friendship of some sort. I mean, I'm glad I'm not married to her anymore but we did spend a good chunk of our lives together, you know?

    I'm sorry to hear that you had to deal with a similar thing. DId anyone ever mention your ex's allegations to you?
    Of course. But again, it amounted to nothing.

    The harm is emotional, it hurt me emotionally because I learned of this while I was still emotionally mourning the loss of my marriage. I’m sure there are still plenty of people who believe the narrative he painted and TRUST me it wasn’t a pretty narrative he painted, and ironically he actually did physically abuse me, a fact I share with very few people. And get this, years later, I successfully co parent with him, we are cordial, far from friends, but communicate when needed.

    How do I do this?

    I healed.

    Wasn’t easy, was incredibly hard and took outside help ( therapy ) That’s why I mention you letting go emotionally. The opposite of love isn’t hate. You ever heard the saying, your opinion of me is none of my business, imagine an old friend from high school you no longer talk to or even think about told many people you were a bully, you’d be irritated, but in today’s world where information and gossip and news cycles so fast we forget by the time the new gossip occurs, would it really affect you? Not really right?

    My ex husbands slander didn’t affect me in any real way and it was completely about him, it was his way of accepting who he was, what he did, I accept that. It has little to nothing to do with me. Like another poster said, people who knew me and cared for me asked for the truth and I told them, those who believed it well... they were never in my corner to begin with. Do I have fear of a potential date finding out the things my ex said about me? Of course not, why? Because realistically the stars would have to align perfectly for that to actually happen, again we are in the age of information, the internet is vast, there are billions of people in the world, we humans we can be a little narcissistic, we tend to forget we’re specks, our lives and the Minuit details matter to us more than anyone else, I promise, but anyway if by some miracle a potential date found out the rumors said about me, they would only be a potential partner if they had the ability to listen, right?

    Plus, be realistic, you were just pining over an ex you had commitment fears with a month ago right? You’re in no position to be dating right now.

    We’re your commitment fears connected to your ex wife?

    There’s a lot going on here beneath the surface, maybe breathe and take a look.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,907
    Gender
    Male
    Excellent. Do whatever you can to sever anything in your control. You also need to stop scanning her social media as that is traceable and can show up in those "people who know" type sections. Every time you click on her profile you are pointing another arrow in your own direction. Stay as far away from her as possible. Do not call and especially do not threaten her. Then she can state that you are harassing her and name names, because it would be a fact, not an opinion.

    Unfortunately freedom of speech allows her to post her feelings, musings, opinions and thoughts freely anywhere she wants. What you need to do is stop following her around social media and completely block and delete her and All her people from all your devices, contact lists, social media and messaging apps. You are creating part of the trace by scanning this chronically.

    You can also clean up your social media settings and make everything much more private and restrict what you post about yourself. You can also do some "noise cancellation" by putting up a public LinkedIn profile and filling that in with your context and burying and drowning as much of her unnamed content that perhaps you and a few mutual acquaintances even care about. Hard to get stuff off the internet so many time the drowning, burying and noise cancellation techniques are what those reputation services use.
    Originally Posted by biscuit2020
    I've just spent an hour absolutely scouring my facebook to remove any trace. I think I'll need to mention this to a few family members who had posted photos of us, as well.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 10-06-2019 at 04:32 PM.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,644
    Gender
    Male
    Here's a story, for what it's worth.

    My best friend—sitting a few feet from me as I type—was in a decade-long relationship that ended something like 6 years ago. Good times, bad times, but a quietly fraught dynamic from A to Z. His ex, who I've never been a fan of, has a "mean girl" streak. She is someone who finds relief, when she's existentially unhappy, which is generally, by publicly attacking people she has decided are responsible for her unhappiness. My friend occasionally becomes target number 1. Ten years with someone will do that.

    So, occasionally, she finds ways to poke at him over social media: always veiled but hardly subtle. Incendiary stuff. My friend, not a perfect human but basically a Human Teddy Bear, has spent thousands in therapy to learn to respond as everyone on both sides of the ring do: with the same detached shrug you probably feel in hearing this story about some random strangers. Everyone who knows my friend knows it's all bull that says more about her than him. Her friends, judging from the ones I know, have a similar view. And if she has a little self-selected circle who believes the bull? So be it.

    Dramatic people build drama factories. Drama factories produce one thing only: hot, toxic air. Best way to deal with hot, toxic air? By learning not to breathe it in.

    It sucks. It sucks to have this energy in your life, to have to adapt to it and, maybe, occasionally confront it from time to time. But adaption (the Facebook scrubbing, say, as well as silence and detached shrugging) should always be the first line of defense, with confrontation (a call to her, or to a lawyer) the last resort. Confrontation is kerosene. Kerosene does not put out fires, particularly the fires that burn inside fiery souls.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,907
    Gender
    Male
    Then there is absolutely nothing you can do. Even if she stated 'my ex husband Dwight Eisenhower III used to have sex with our dog in the yard every Tuesday'. You would have to not only prove that this statement is false (libel), you would have to also prove that this statement damaged you specifically. If something is true it is not libel, no matter how egregious. Read any newspaper. However in this case you are not even named so anyone could say it's a general assessment of abusive relationships. Read my post # 15 above for some corrective measures you can take..
    Originally Posted by biscuit2020
    She does not name me

  9. #18
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,735
    Originally Posted by j.man
    That's well-intended, but I wouldn't. Someone in a mental state where they'd make false accusations of domestic abuse typically isn't going to turn around with an "aw, shucks." I'd much more expect her to update her following with how she was just contacted and threatened for speaking out.

    At the end of the day, documentation is key, and if he can avoid tipping her off that he or someone he knows is seeing these posts, he'll probably be better served in the long-run.
    Agree... OP if you have done nothing wrong, then your best course of action is to not engage. She may be trying to draw you in for whatever reason with these posts... don't take the bait.

    Keep documenting and if you feel the need to respond or vent, do it with someone you trust or come here and vent. If you ignore it, it should eventually fizzle out on it's own when she doesn't get the response she was looking for (or when she receives a cease and desist letter from your attorney).

  10. #19
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Posts
    2,034
    All of the postings are designed to show her as a victim and to slam you.

    The ex is just rearing for a fight. Do not pick up the bait.

    Yes, it is annoying. Yes, you so feel slighted.

    But you KNOW nothing good will happen if you respond to this.

    BTW, there is no way you can be friends with her. So do not get all weepey-eyed about her and try to become friends or anything else with her.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,721
    Contact a lawyer.

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •