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Thread: I'm just going to spill everything...any advice you have is appreciated

  1. #1

    I'm just going to spill everything...any advice you have is appreciated

    I don't know what else to do, I feel like I am losing my mind and I can't talk to anyone about this.

    I got married a month ago, it's a 10 year relationship, the only serious relationship I ever had. I should never have gone through with it, my gut was telling me no over and over again. I even tried to explain this to my partner but seeing him hurt destroys me.

    I got the wedding photos back today and one photo in particular has made me break down into tears. You know the one that's taken just before you head into the church? I just look, more than nervous...like i'm filled with dread.

    My 3 closest friends were bridesmaids, I feel like I can't talk to them about this. I've joined this site just to let it out. It's like I've climbed into a coffin and the lid has been nailed shut. I care about my partner but I know we are not right, something just feels so wrong. We argue and grow further and further apart. I want to focus on my career, he wants children. Not only do I feel like I'm holding myself back, but also him. He could be with someone that wants the same. It doesn't make me sad to imagine him happy with someone else.

    He tells me it's fine...he'll wait, he's happy to never have kids. He will literally do anything for me. I try talking to him about this and he brushes it off.

    I just don't know why I can't appreciate what I have right in front of me. Most people dream of a guy like him. I care about him but this damn knot in my stomach, it just won't go.

    Any advice you have I would really appreciate.

  2. #2
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    Seek out a professional counselor and run through all your anxiety about your marriage BEFORE speaking to your new husband about it.

    Do NOT get pregnant.

    After getting better informed about the source of your angst, then approach your husband with either the idea of annulment or continued marriage.

  3. #3
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    jimthzz pretty much said it all.

    I'd like to add though, that when I read your post, my first thought was you were sticking with your husband out of the guilt you know you'd feel if you broke up with him as well as the "sunk cost" relationship mentality.

  4. #4
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    I can relate in the sense that I cancelled a wedding and broke an engagement because of those kind of rock to the core doubts. And both were long relationships although not 10 years. I also ended a 7 year on and off relationship for similar reasons.
    Do you respect and admire him? Do you think he's kind of a doormat and therefore a turn off? No, I wouldn't dream of being with a guy who would do anything for me from a position of insecurity/doormat stuff. Ick. I prefer to be with someone with a backbone and sure that means arguing sometimes or butting heads but that's part of being a couple.

    If I were you I would end the marriage -and let him find someone who respects and admires him and is in love with him and wants babies with him. It's not that you don't appreciate him -you do - you just know deep down he's not the right match for you. I'm so sorry you are going through this -I know how hard it is to talk to close friends about this too.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I agree with others. It's time for professional intervention of a marriage counselor.

    Be careful about ending your marriage without giving him a chance as a husband. Many times, the grass isn't greener on the other side. The world is mostly filled with jerks and you never want to say to yourself, "You let a good one get away." That's what my stupid cousin did and to this day she beats herself up over letting a good (great) one get away. Her ex is now happily married to some other very lucky lady. Now, my cousin is stuck with a jerk who is a major reject for all women except my foolhardy cousin, that is.

    Work on your marriage and at least you will know you've tried. Then if it still fails for you, then give up. Until then, at least put forth the effort to save it.

  7. #6
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    Do not play the victim. No one held a gun to your head and told you that you have to marry him. You chose this man as your husband as your own free will.
    His desire for kids was the same before and after the wedding.
    Right now he is probably saying no kids out of desperation or emotion - who expects their spouse to walk out on them so quickly?
    He is probably gobsmacked and when the smoke clears, he probably is somewhere in the middle - kids, but he is willing to start later.

    I suggest counseling = both personal to figure out what your deal is. Why did you marry this man if you want different things, or did you want a family, but just panicked after you married him or did you mislead him in some way? Are you afraid you would have to have kids immediately? Were you dishonest with him?
    And go to marriage counseling. Figure out how to stop arguing with eachother.

    You can't dissolve the marriage in a day, so i think its worth for you to take those steps.

  8. #7
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    i can also say, one of my siblings married someone who was a real gem (and i don't mean that sarcastically. they are a great person). but the marriage was feared to not last th e first six months. going from a married couple from two single people living together where mommy and daddy subsidized the apartment and someone was free to put money into a hobby before marriage, someone just was fresh out of college and wasn't established and so on and so forth. So much friction - My career! Why can't i buy that! and in-laws! but now they just celebrated their 14th wedding anniversary, had a child in year 8. They are as happy as can be. They are so glad they stuck it out.

    I am not saying this is your outcome, but you owe it to yourself and your husband to figure out if its figure outable - if its just jitters or something else

  9. #8
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I too think you should get counseling to figure out what the problem is.

    Why did you marry him when you had such dread?

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    I agree with others. It's time for professional intervention of a marriage counselor.

    Be careful about ending your marriage without giving him a chance as a husband. Many times, the grass isn't greener on the other side. The world is mostly filled with jerks and you never want to say to yourself, "You let a good one get away." That's what my stupid cousin did and to this day she beats herself up over letting a good (great) one get away. Her ex is now happily married to some other very lucky lady. Now, my cousin is stuck with a jerk who is a major reject for all women except my foolhardy cousin, that is.

    Work on your marriage and at least you will know you've tried. Then if it still fails for you, then give up. Until then, at least put forth the effort to save it.
    I disagree because they've been together for 10 years and unless that feeling of dread would be with anyone I think she's with the wrong guy. As Meg Ryan said in "You've Got Mail" breaking up with her "right on paper" long term boyfriend "it's the dream of someone else".

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I disagree because they've been together for 10 years and unless that feeling of dread would be with anyone I think she's with the wrong guy. As Meg Ryan said in "You've Got Mail" breaking up with her "right on paper" long term boyfriend "it's the dream of someone else".
    Meg Ryan's character did not marry him, though, right?
    But he felt right for 9 years ad 364 days.
    She needs to unpack this first.

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