My Fiance's attraction to me?

My fiancé and I always had a relationship that everyone envied. We truly love each other and are inseparable. He treats me well. However, a few months into our engagement I found a pro and con list he made of me. Top of the list for cons was physical attraction. You can imagine how heartbreaking it was to read and how that has affected my self esteem (not to sound conceited but I am probably told by other men that I'm beautiful once a day).

anyway, I tried to forgot about the incident, as he cried and apologized for hurting me, saying he knows how good he has it with me. (We live together)

flashforward to his Vegas bachelor party. He goes with his buddies but I never did not trust him. He kept in touch with me on an hourly basis or more (without me having to ask for it). I know he didn't cheat.. HOWEVER, I did see some group texts (I know, I know) with him and his friends after their trip in which my fiancé sent his friends screenshots of hot girls from a nightclub website they went to. He sent the pics along with saying how he missed vegas. This crushed me. He is not the partying type, or the type to engage in titties talk with his friends. It made me feel cheap and embarrassed in front of his friends, especially being that he once wrote that physical attraction was an issue. When I confronted him he said it was stupid and that he was sorry.

We are getting married in 5 weeks and I honestly cry thinking about the fact that he might wish to be with someone that he's more attracted to. If he has those desires now, will he turn into a full blown pig once married. I don't want to be THAT wife, Insecure and a nag. We're supposed to pick our wedding menu tomorrow and I have no desire to do so.

At the very least you need to postpone the wedding and get into couples counseling asap. The two of you may not be a good fit together and these kinds of doubts should not be ignored. You are insecure and you don't trust him. You can't gloss over that and it's very unlikely to go away on its own. If anything it will only get worse. Hold off on the wedding. Truth be told, I could not be with someone who did not find me physically attractive That would have been a relationship ender for me.

I believe that maybe 5% of people on this site actually take and ACT on the very good advice they are given when they post their heartbreaking questions. This is very sad but we all have to learn the hard way I guess.

What I want to tell you is that getting married is going to end in a lot of tears and regret. Do not do this. The list you found, the disrespectful Vegas crap, unbelievable that you would even consider making a legal commitment to someone who clearly still possesses a single man's brain in an engaged to be married relationship. Listen to your body. Your heart. Your brain. ALL THOSE INSTINCT ALARMS ARE GOING OFF.

Most important question here is - when this list was made?

Btw find me a guy with single friend that wouldnt comment on how good some random chick looks.

Do you love him still?

I'm going to balance out the other opinions on this post. There is a difference between being physically attractIVE, and being physically attractED to someone (in other words, wanting to have sex with them). My boyfriend is a lot less attractive than me, but we have a lot of chemistry and I look beyond his appearance (and to be clear, here I am referring to my own relationship, not suggesting anything about how you look). Are you concerned about your sex life?

If I was to make a very honest pros and cons list about my boyfriend now, there would be a lot on that list that I wouldn't want him to see. However, I love him with all my heart and don't feel like I am compromising by being with him. Nobody is perfect and I'm sure if you were brutally honest there might be some things you don't like about him, yet you still want to marry him because on balance, the cons are insignificant compared to the pros. Could that be why he asked you to marry him after all, "despite" the list of cons?

Would I go ballistic if I found those things on my boyfriends phone? Absolutely! But not sure the solution would be to cancel the marriage. You're both grown ups and can have a grown up conversation about it. If he can't be a grown-up about it and understand the impact it had on you, if he brushes your concerns off and keeps doing things like that constantly, then I would indeed be worried. I can absolutely see why you're feeling hurt he wrote that about you, and for me it would take time until I regained confidence (in myself, and him) from that blow. But you sound like a smart woman who is able to figure things out and ensure you're making the right decision.

Most important question here is - when this list was made?

 

Btw find me a guy with single friend that wouldnt comment on how good some random chick looks.

This list was made about 8 months ago. There were more pros than cons but the attraction thing shocked me. We have a great sex life.

While in Vegas he kept texting me how he loves me and can't wait to come home, especially after seeing how fake the girls there are.

I could chalk this up to guy talk, but he has never been the type to do that.

How long have you two been dating? What was his explanation of the lack of physical attraction? Did he find you to be a 7 instead of a 10? Or did he have a different explanation? Does he check out other girls when you two are together? Does he have a social life filled with healthy hobbies, or does he go out with the guys several times a week, drinking at bars? How old are you two? How has he treated you when you've been sick or when you've needed him, like if your car broke down?

If it were me, I couldn't be with a guy who looked at me and thought, "meh." Regardless, if you decide to stay with him for the moment, I definitely would postpone the marriage. You want to have 100 percent confidence when you marry someone and it should be full of joy, not worry and weepiness. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of the postponement. It's your life, and you need to do what's best for yourself. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

He's a heterosexual young guy, not the pope. You'll have to accept that people find other people attractive and that ok, some locker room talk happened at a bachelor party. And he apologized

The main problem is your low self esteem.

the attraction thing shocked me. We have a great sex life.

While in Vegas he kept texting me how he loves me and can't wait to come homeI could chalk this up to guy talk, but he has never been the type to do that.

He's a heterosexual young guy, not the pope. You'll have to accept that people find other people attractive and that ok, some locker room talk happened at a bachelor party. And he apologized

 

The main problem is your low self esteem.

Some of the responses you write really baffle me.

How long have you two been dating? What was his explanation of the lack of physical attraction? Did he find you to be a 7 instead of a 10? Or did he have a different explanation? Does he check out other girls when you two are together? Does he have a social life filled with healthy hobbies, or does he go out with the guys several times a week, drinking at bars? How old are you two? How has he treated you when you've been sick or when you've needed him, like if your car broke down?

 

If it were me, I couldn't be with a guy who looked at me and thought, "meh." Regardless, if you decide to stay with him for the moment, I definitely would postpone the marriage. You want to have 100 percent confidence when you marry someone and it should be full of joy, not worry and weepiness. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of the postponement. It's your life, and you need to do what's best for yourself. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

I am 29 and he is 32. We've been together for 6 years and living together for two. He has is absolutely amazing to me throughout this entire relationship. Constant surprises, sweet gestures and I do have to say that I trust him 100%. This is not a post of me worrying about him cheating at all.

He made the list a few months after he had brain surgery, during the recovery he had a very hard time with his own self-esteem and says that he made THe LIST during a moment of self-doubt and overall life.

He's taken care of me when I'm sick and I didn't leave his hospital bed when he was.

He has such strong values, that's why those texts and comments about hot girls boggle my mind. Of course I comment if a guy is hot but I will not lay in bed next to my fiancé, secretly take pictures off of a website and send to a group text of friends to tell them I wish I was there.

It's so discouraging. And yes, I do have low-self esteem although he tells me I shouldn't.

He said he can't wait to marry me. Then why not tell your friends that instead of wishing for Vegas girls. That's how he used to be..down to the core good.

Did you ask him why felt compelled to actually write up a Pro/Con list after in the first place?

That would send some warning bells ringing in my head. Sure, we all have our flaws but to actually take time to list them out is strange to me. Was he trying to convince himself to stay with you or something?

I wouldn't put much thought into the hot girls screenshots in and of itself, but I do think his lack of attraction is important.

Did you ask him why felt compelled to actually write up a Pro/Con list after in the first place?

 

That would send some warning bells ringing in my head. Sure, we all have our flaws but to actually take time to list them out is strange to me. Was he trying to convince himself to stay with you or something?

 

I wouldn't put much thought into the hot girls screenshots in and of itself, but I do think his lack of attraction is important.

It was after he had a pretty invasive surgery and was stuck at home for 2 months with a whole bunch of thoughts.

I should mention that this wasn't a very elaborate list. It basically said con: physical attraction, not into sports, doesn't like to get hair wet in pool. (So stupid) pros: loves animals, loves me, wants kids, loyal, loving, caring.

It didn't seem well thought out at all.

He's a heterosexual young guy, not the pope. You'll have to accept that people find other people attractive and that ok, some locker room talk happened at a bachelor party. And he apologized

 

The main problem is your low self esteem.

No one wants to take responsibility for their own feelings of inadequacy. No one comes to these forums with concerns like the one posted above wanting cold logic like that. Fact is you are right; if I found a list where my man said my looks is a con, I'd tell him he needs to get his eyes checked because I'm bloody fabulous. I'm not the prettiest woman in the world but my fiance isn't Tom Hardy so he can f*** off.

It sounds like he loves you very much. Hopefully you've had premarital counselling. That's more important then a menu, no? Attraction is more than hot looks, as you know, right?

Work on making sure you are not in bridezilla mode and keep the romance passion alive, even though you are already living together. Try not to get too complacent or let things get boring placing household roles, etc. Does he try to keep the romance alive? How's the sex/affection?.

And yes, I do have low-self esteem although he tells me I shouldn't.

He said he can't wait to marry me.

It sounds like he loves you very much. Hopefully you've had premarital counselling. That's more important then a menu, no? Attraction is more than hot looks, as you know, right?

 

Work on making sure you are not in bridezilla mode and keep the romance passion alive, even though you are already living together. Try not to get too complacent or let things get boring placing household roles, etc. Does he try to keep the romance alive? How's the sex/affection?.

He does try. Makes dinner, always wants kisses and cuddle. We have sex about 4 times per week. Nothing wrong in that department. And he's overly excited and initiating most of the time.

He does try. Makes dinner, always wants kisses and cuddle. We have sex about 4 times per week. Nothing wrong in that department. And he's overly excited and initiating most of the time.

So what is it you're looking for here? It seems like you come back at each post with some sort of rebuttal explaining how wonderful he is, or how maybe he wrote the list because he was out of sorts after brain surgery. Maybe the answer is you need to work on your own self esteem and stop depending on him for validation. I also think going through his phone messages isn't a good idea. Don't get me wrong, seeing such a list about the level of attraction on the con column stings like crazy - but you chose to stay with him. As for the texts - you really don't know if he's not ever spoken that way before - maybe you just haven't witnessed it because that's what he does when he's chatting with his bros. Can you accept that? It doesn't sound like you are going to put the wedding off or end the relationship so I guess the answer is to work on your low self esteem until you get to the place that you think you are so awesome that it doesn't matter what he says about other women.

Hopefully there is some kind of counseling planned. Maybe I missed it, but I don't see any mention of that. If you have accepted his explanation/apology then leave it at that.

It was after he had a pretty invasive surgery and was stuck at home for 2 months with a whole bunch of thoughts.

I should mention that this wasn't a very elaborate list. It basically said con: physical attraction, not into sports, doesn't like to get hair wet in pool. (So stupid) pros: loves animals, loves me, wants kids, loyal, loving, caring.

It didn't seem well thought out at all.

I don't follow the connection.

He had a lot of time and thoughts while in recovery, yes. But it's not clear to me why this led to him writing up a list of your positive and negative traits. Was he considering leaving the relationship during this time?