1 love, 2 paths

I’ve been with my boyfriend/fiancé for 5 years now. He is my whole world. I love him more than anything and I can’t imagine life without him. But it’s becoming more and more evident that we want 2 completely different things with our future. I’ve imagined being a mother since I was young. Now my boyfriend suddenly doesn’t want kids, ever. He recently decided he doesn’t want to get married. Ever. He doesn’t want to buy a house. He just wants to stay where we are now. Renting a crappy apartment, dating, and having no kids. I want more from life. I can’t picture myself going through life without a child. But it’s to the point where if I mention it he get upset instantly and tells me if it’s that important to find another man. I don’t want to do that. I want a family and a future but I only picture it with him. I can’t picture that life with anyone else by my side. But I also can’t picture us just staying where we are and not moving forward with our lives. I feel like life is just hollow and meaningless at this point. But I can’t just leave him. Love isn’t supposed to be easy and I know if I truely love him I should stay with him no matter what obstacles our relationship faces. We’ve been through so much together but this is by far the biggest hurdle we’ve hit. It’s a relationship killer but I don’t want it to be. What do I do? How do I cope? I feel like a part of me has been ripped away.

Sorry to hear this. How old is he? Does he feel pressured by all the marriage, kids, house, talk? Are you actually engaged? You're right that you two are on completely different paths. He's right that you need to find another guy with similar goals and timelines.

You are wasting your time playing house with a guy who sees no future with you. How realistic are these plans financially? Can you afford a wedding? Can you afford a house? Can you afford kids? Do both of you earn enough for that?

my boyfriend suddenly doesn’t want kids, ever.

He recently decided he doesn’t want to get married. Ever.

He doesn’t want to buy a house.

He just wants to stay where we are now. Renting a crappy apartment, dating, and having no kids.

if I mention it he get upset instantly and tells me if it’s that important to find another man.

It’s a relationship killer but I don’t want it to be.

How old are you two? With respect to guys who legitimately have different life goals, him out of the blue telling you, "no kids, no marriage, staying here" sounds more like he wants you to walk out or that he's tired of being any or all of the three being brought up than it does him having actually had some epiphany. While not the most mature of responses at any age, it'd be more understandable coming from a guy who's like 21 and getting pushed to buy a house and have a baby.

 

But it’s to the point where if I mention it he get upset instantly and tells me if it’s that important to find another man..

 

I don’t want to do that. I want a family and a future but I only picture it with him.

 

I'm gonna be very blunt with you cause it appears you're allowing your emotions to cloud your judgment.

When a man says this^ to you, you take him up on his threat and you LEAVE, immediately and forever.

You may want marriage, kids etc but it's not what he wants, at least not with you.

This last part "with you" is very important because it is what's happening. No man in love with a woman would ever say this to her, never ever.

And no pushing prodding pleading or "hanging in there" hoping he changes his mind will ever change that.

Also, your staying after he told you this sends him the message that his feelings/needs take precedence over yours, magnifying your low self esteem and lack of self respect and thus he wil never respect you either.

From what you have written, it appears his respect for you already died quite awhile ago.

I'm sorry to be blunt but felt it needed to be said.

After five years, this RL has run its course.

Respect yourself, wish him well and LEAVE.

I'm assuming you started dating in your teen years or very early twenties. It's common for one or both in the couple to change, grow, evolve, and to be deciding their life goals when you're talking about emerging from the late teens and moving toward a more mature adulthood. You say that he is your world. Does that mean you've let friendships and other interests that don't involve him, go by the wayside? If so, that's smothering to him.

IMO, a partner who says maybe you should find another partner, doesn't really love you. Because a person who says this can imagine a life without you.

I know breakups are upsetting, but it will never work when you have major life goals that are the opposite of his. From the outside looking in, he might be too cowardly to break up, and he's hoping that telling you he wants the relationship to stay stagnant will force you to do the dirty deed to save him from the drama that would ensue if he was the one initiating the break up.

My advice is to break up and mourn with no contact so that you will eventually heal. One day, no less than a year after the breakup, when you are ready to date again, make sure when you're at the point of discussing exclusivity with someone that he shares the same life goals so that you're not wasting time.

This guy was probably your first love which is special, but it's the reason that term exists. It's not meant to last and someone else who shares your goals will be your fate. 2019 is around the corner. Make a new start, even though it will be tough for you. You can do this.

Did he say before that he wanted marriage and kids? You say he's your fiance, does it mean that he proposed before but is now taking it back?

The way he talks to you about these issues is very disrespectful and it almost seems like he's trying to make you go away. I also find it weird a sudden change of heart (if in fact he used to be on board with marriage and kids before)

IMO, a partner who says maybe you should find another partner, doesn't really love you. Because a person who says this can imagine a life without you.

Yes, this. Echoing what Katrina said as well.

The subtext to a statement like that is unambiguous: please break up with me, for me, because I don't have the spine to do it.

I'm also sorry to be blunt, as I can imagine it hurts. But this is not how partners treat partners. People can be confused, people can be on different frequencies, people can worry that their needs and values don't line up, and still make it very clear that they want to see if it can work.

Look in the mirror: that's you, right now. Confused but committed. You want to be with someone on that plane, at the very least, not someone passive-aggressively trying to get you to do the heavy lifting for him.

He sounds suffocated and like he just wants out. From how you write, I get the sense you aren't the kind to hear the things you don't want to hear. Even at this point, you are trying to plow ahead and ignore what he is saying.

We’ve been through so much together but this is by far the biggest hurdle we’ve hit. It’s a relationship killer but I don’t want it to be. What do I do? How do I cope? I feel like a part of me has been ripped away.

This is not a hurdle you can jump over... it's a brick wall. He has been very clear with you. You have two choices... take him up on his threat to find someone else, or stay with him and accept his decision.

Personally anyone that didn't want to work towards future goals with me I would toss out on their ear.

Did he say before that he wanted marriage and kids? You say he's your fiance, does it mean that he proposed before but is now taking it back?

 

The way he talks to you about these issues is very disrespectful and it almost seems like he's trying to make you go away. I also find it weird a sudden change of heart (if in fact he used to be on board with marriage and kids before)

About this: "But it’s to the point where if I mention it he get upset instantly and tells me if it’s that important to find another man." Huge RED FLAG

Believe him when he tells you something this serious. Why should you subject yourself to a life with no marriage and, more importantly, no kids, if that is what YOU truly want??? Why give up your life's dreams for someone who wants the opposite? I can guarantee that you will deeply regret it another day, OP. Don't do that to yourself, please. If that's what he wants in his life, it's his right and his prerogative. I know it's hard to imagine, and even harder to do, but you should leave this person. You are definitely not on the same page and the relationship has run its course, I'm afraid, unless you are willing to give up what you desire most. You will heal, with time. I'm not sure if there a person on this earth who has not suffered the loss of a relationship at some point. Yes, it hurts like hell, you'll cry a lot, but you will rise above it and survive. I will tell you, from my personal experience, that I am surviving rather well after I was dumped from a 29 year marriage 6 months ago. You feel like your whole world turned upside down but you deal with it, one day at a time. It does get better with time, I sincerely promise you. And, hopefully, you will find someone who cherishes and respects you, sincerely loves you and shares your goals in life. You will be so much happier.

He wants out of this relationship.

It is not healthy to EVER make someone your entire world.

He wants out of this relationship.

That's what I heard too. You may not be able to envision a life without him, but apparently he can envision a life without you. Is he being emotionally abusive to you? What's your relationship like?

Love isn’t supposed to be easy and I know if I truely love him I should stay with him no matter what obstacles our relationship faces.

It's not an obstacle in your relationship - it's a thumping great incompatibility where there can't be a middle way. The idea that if you truly love someone you will stay with them, no matter how destructive and unfulfilling the relationship, is unrealistic and potentially dangerous.

All the time you spend with this guy is time you're NOT spending on finding the life you want for yourself. He's told you very clearly what he doesn't want, and if you want it - to find another man. Given that you've made this guy the source of all the good things in your life, it will take a while before you can build yourself up to having a life in your own right, but that's what you must do. Or, to put it another way "One and only = None and lonely".

No matter how wonderful the other person is, if you don't have shared values and shared goals, the relationship will not work. If you stay with someone who is actively resistant to your long-term goals, you will remain completely bereft and with some of them - having children, for example - there's a time limit on how long this remains as an option. I'm not at all suggesting you leave him immediately, but you do need to focus on developing yourself and preparing for a life without him.

Sorry.

I should stay with him no matter what obstacles our relationship faces.

That's naive and will prevent you from living a fulfilled life. You will find another love. A love that wants the same out of life that you do. You've gone in two different directions. It's all over but the crying.

There is no middle ground here, OP. You have to decide what is more important to you- The house and child or this man. Because you will not have both. Believe what he is saying to you. That's the thing in relationships (and especially in LONG term ones) that no one ever tells you- You will both change and those changes aren't always compatible. People don't always break up because the love is gone. Sometimes it's differences like this. Here is your choice-

Option 1. You may love this man, but if you stay with him- You may never have those other things. He is flat out telling you this. If you decide you love him enough to sacrifice those other things, then you have to be willing to give them up and then to BE OKAY WITH IT! By staying with him, you are agreeing that he is worth this sacrifice. And you CANNOT hold it over his head or try and change his mind. If you pick him, you are picking HIM because he can make you happier than all those other things put together. Small credit to him- at least he's telling you this BEFORE You are married instead of a couple years into it.

Option 2. Although you love this man, you break up with him because you are not willing to sacrifice having a nice home or children. If you decide that you have to have these things to be happy, then you have to let this man go and then to BE OKAY WITH IT! He is telling you he is not willing to ever give you those things. And if you DO desperately want them, you need to break up. And then be fine with him potentially being with someone else who doesn't care about those other things. (Not everyone does)

Everyone always wants a magical answer- You'll see that a LOT on this board- The relationship would be perfect if only THIS or THAT. No relationship is perfect and all relationships have compromises and some even have large sacrifices attached (giving up children or living a specific lifestyle or moving away from family) etc. People that live in relationships where they are choosing to sacrifice something to be in it, HAVE to be okay with it to make it work. Otherwise, you are just heading for Divorce Ave. If you choose to be with him, do NOT hold onto the hope that he will change or "may want kids someday" He won't. Love isn't always enough- you only have to look at this message board to see that. Sometimes choices such as this are very difficult, but you have to pick with the one that you know you can live with.

The only question you need to answer and be HONEST with yourself- without adding any " In a perfect world" or " he should want what I want" " I can get him to change his mind" fantasy- " Is this relationship worth sacrificing these other things that I want?" Period. That's your answer. In either scenario, you'll be giving up SOMETHING. Only YOU know what you can and can't live without.

I’ve been with my boyfriend/fiancé for 5 years now. He is my whole world. I love him more than anything and I can’t imagine life without him. But it’s becoming more and more evident that we want 2 completely different things with our future. I’ve imagined being a mother since I was young. Now my boyfriend suddenly doesn’t want kids, ever. He recently decided he doesn’t want to get married. Ever. He doesn’t want to buy a house. He just wants to stay where we are now. Renting a crappy apartment, dating, and having no kids. I want more from life. I can’t picture myself going through life without a child. But it’s to the point where if I mention it he get upset instantly and tells me if it’s that important to find another man. I don’t want to do that. I want a family and a future but I only picture it with him. I can’t picture that life with anyone else by my side. But I also can’t picture us just staying where we are and not moving forward with our lives. I feel like life is just hollow and meaningless at this point. But I can’t just leave him. Love isn’t supposed to be easy and I know if I truely love him I should stay with him no matter what obstacles our relationship faces. We’ve been through so much together but this is by far the biggest hurdle we’ve hit. It’s a relationship killer but I don’t want it to be. What do I do? How do I cope? I feel like a part of me has been ripped away.

I highlighted your word "suddenly". Why "suddenly"? Did he always want marriage and kids, but "suddenly" he changed his mind? Or did you "suddenly" just notice it? What changed?

 

Now my boyfriend suddenly doesn’t want kids, ever. He recently decided he doesn’t want to get married. Ever. He doesn’t want to buy a house. He just wants to stay where we are now. Renting a crappy apartment, dating, and having no kids. I want more from life. I can’t picture myself going through life without a child.

OP you must be incredibly naïve if you truly believe he means this (bolded). I mean come on, seriously?

What "suddenly" changed is that he's grown away from you and the relationship and wants out, but too cowardly to tell you so gives you this BS he never wants to get married or have kids, etc.

No. He just doesn't want those things with you, period end of, bye.

I know to hear this is painful because you've been living this dream for five years. I've been there believe me, six years.

But once I realized I was living in never-never land and saw the situation for what it actually is, not what I wanted it to be, leaving was a very easy decision, one of the best I've ever made.

I hope you find that place too OP, best of luck.

 

What "suddenly" changed is that he's grown away from you and the relationship and wants out, but too cowardly to tell you so gives you this BS he never wants to get married or have kids, etc.

 

No. He just doesn't want those things with you, period end of, bye.

 

 

It is possible he changed his mind. This is a big reason for a lot of divorces. You thought you married one person and they changed their mind about a non-compromise issue that was integral to the relationship succeeding. It happened in my first marriage. And granted, I think he's expressing it in a very unhealthy and cruel way. But it's not impossible that he isn't doing this to break up with her.

And it's VERY possible that he doesn't want these things with anyone.

OP, at least this happened this BEFORE the marriage. At least you'll be making an informed decision.

 

And it's VERY possible that he doesn't want these things with anyone.

 

Yeah that's very possible, a lot of people don't want marriage and kids and that's fine. They never did and never will.

Only thing though is that for five years, he's led her to believe he does want these things, hence her saying "suddenly he doesn't want these things" and "he recently decided he doesn't want to get married....." which leads to the conclusion that he did want them (and still does) but after five years together, realizes he doesn't want them with her.

Plus who in their right mind would prefer to live in crappy run down apartment instead of their own home one day, which is what he also told her.

The only reason I am telling her the harsh truth is because knowing the truth might make it easier for her to leave and move on instead of hanging on hoping she can somehow convince him marriage and kids is the way to go (which unfortunately many women do) which would be an utter waste of her time imo.

JMO though, I don't know him, I could be wrong.

OP seems to have left the building, but if I had ten grand to spare, I'd put it on a good chunk of these "5 years" beinf teenage and this is him throwing his hands up when being pressed on these life goals at 21 or 22. Guess we can't and likely won't know, though.

OP seems to have left the building...

These one and done's seem to be a pattern lately.

I will never understand why a poster creates a thread but then doesn't participate in it, makes zero sense to me but whatever.

These one and done's seem to be a pattern lately.

 

I will never understand why a poster creates a thread but then doesn't participate in it, makes zero sense to me but whatever.

Because we didnt give them the advice they wanted (stay with him, he will change & give you everything you want), we give them the cold hard truth!!!

Sounds like something significant happened to change his mind if he wanted all these things before. Can you talk about it?

I was required to do some pre-marital counseling with our religious officiant before he would marry us... can you try to do that? If you do want different things, you are not right for each other.

Dont get married, because you will fight about these issues all the time.

 

Dont get married, because you will fight about these issues all the time.

Well he's made it pretty clear he doesn't want to marry her, so that sort of takes care of that. :)

Because we didnt give them the advice they wanted (stay with him, he will change & give you everything you want), we give them the cold hard truth!!!

Truth.

They want to hear that he'll change, deep down he really loves you, but when they get our truth, they're outta here.