Second date - controlling behaviour

Hey everyone.

So I went on a second date with a guy I met at work. He’s very nice, kind, chatty and already told me he likes me a lot.

Our first date was lunch in a cute restaurant, which all went well, so we arranged a second date for dinner out. On this second date, he gave off a few strange vibes which I would call a little controlling. I’m just interested in other peoples’ opinions - if he’s a little controlling now, will this continue?

Basically, he undid his own napkin and then reached across and undid MY napkin. That’s alright, and quite polite or thoughtful, I guess. But then, part way through the meal, he moved the pots of sauce that I was using so that they were more lined up (a little OCD?) and then, at one point, I’d put my napkin on the table next to my empty plate, and he reached over and moved it further onto the table! I thought to myself... I’m an independent woman and I can move a napkin myself! It was all a bit weird. Anyone got any thoughts?

Thanks!

Lou x

Touching your napkin like that is not polite, it's actually rude and completely inappropriate. His behaviors overall at the table are really weird. He was behaving as if you are a small child that requires assistance. Super odd. Not sure I'd call it controlling, just simply bizarre.

Honestly, it's one of those things about dating - when you encounter behaviors so early on that don't sit well with you or leave you feeling uncomfortable, it's best to trust your gut and move on. Don't try to rationalize irrational behavior because that will get you in trouble. Plenty of other guys out there who are....normal....for lack of a better word.

Yes that has OCD written all over it. It's obvious he hasn't addressed this with therapy so yes you are right it's just going to get worse. This is why we go out on dates...to really see what the person is like and how they behave/ interact with you. All ready he's driving you bonkers and you only had two dates. This is where you don't go out with him again. If he asks why you can be very honest with him that his OCD is making you uncomfortable or you can just say you are not feeling it...your choice.

Potentially OCD related, but obviously none of us have met him or are qualified to make the diagnosis. OCD even when treated is difficult to live with, for both the person who has it and their partner. I wouldn't say his behavior was controlling so much as strange, but if it made you uncomfortable then I would probably refuse a third date. His reaction to your refusal will reveal if he is controlling or not, and you can decide how you want to handle the work relationship from here on out.

I agree with the other posters....I think it's not so much controlling as yes, OCD behaviour. Either that or he was really nervous and that's how the nerves manifest themselves, he might be a fidgeter....But yeah it is odd. I think when he first opened the napkins for you both, that *could* possibly be perceived as trying to be a gentleman, similar to opening the door or getting your jacket for you. Although I've never actually seen anyone do that before on a date...The most "old fashioned" things guys have done for me was open the door for me, put their jacket around me, get my jacket for me, stuff like that.

Having said that though, even if he does have OCD, he may still be a nice guy worthy of dating, but just depends how much the OCD behaviours would bother you. I mean, OCD is technically a mental illness and a lot of people suffer from mental illness. My fiance has pretty bad depression and anxiety. He doesn't have any OCD behaviours though so I know it's different...You did say though: "He’s very nice, kind, chatty and already told me he likes me a lot." I mean, you said he has good qualities also. Honestly to me it doesn't sound controlling in the way that a partner can be controlling by checking your phone, not letting you go out with friends, deleting all male friends, things like that. I would say this is probably not deliberately controlling but more so that he has to have things in a particular order and/or being nervous makes him fidget.

My male friend who I was FWB with for 2.5 years has anxiety and he's such a huge fidgeter that I couldn't wear any jewellery when I was seeing him because he fidgeted with all my jewellery lol

This sounds like the behavior of someone who was REALLY nervous.

I've done some unbelievably dumb things on first and second dates due to nerves that were not reflective of my basic nature and personality.

Just sayin...

The first couple dates with my now boyfriend, he exhibited a couple things that caused me to wonder.

Now a year a half later, though he can be a little ocd about certain things, they are for the most part endearing and sometimes funny.

They are very far from controlling.

I'd say give it another chance. As long as it's just him doing things that make himself feel better and it doesn't spill over onto you or an expectation of you, then it's fine.

Do you like him enough to go out again? If so try another date. You know him from work, does he act like an oddball there?

How did the first date go? Was he nervous or odd then? He could have bad manners or be nervous. If you don't like him or found this too off putting, just don't go out again. I wouldn't haul out the DSM-5 after 2 dates.

Our first date was lunch in a cute restaurant, which all went well

I don't think he is controlling and don't think he has OCD ....OCD is serious ...not to be diagnosed by people on a forum based on moving a couple of things at dinner .

He sounds more like a nervous wreck wanting something to do with his hands.

I've had to fight my OCD. And it is 100 x better. Sounds like what he's doing is OCD related. Next time, speak up, and ask, "why are you touching my napkin?"

I wouldn't base my opinion of the whole date on him moving a napkin and lining up things on the table. I've done that when I was nervous on a first date. Controlling behavior is emotional rather than touching a napkin. For example, did he tease you, criticize any of your viewpoints, drill you about past relationships, make you feel uncomfortable, etc.?

Despite the napkin, would you go on a second date with him?

Okay I'll share with you a super dumb thing I did on a first date with a guy I liked due to my being REALLY nervous, and I don't have a controlling bone in my body (other than self-control ).

He was in the rest room when our dinners arrived. Like I said I was so nervous, I proceeded to cut his steak into itty bitty pieces, like he was 5 years old or something! LOL

When he returned, he asked if it had arrived like that, and I told him no I had cut it, that I was sorry and owned how I nervous I was and he thought it was cute!

We dated for awhile after that, and I never displayed such peculiar behavior at all after that.

It was all due to nerves!!

He was in the rest room when our dinners arrived. Like I said I was so nervous, I proceeded to cut his meat for him, like he was 5 years old or something! LOL

I had a little snort then lolol

Yeah I wouldn’t say that his behaviour sounds controlling. Could be that he was just nervous, and/or maybe he’s just, well...particular about certain things.

Did anyone acknowledge what he did after it happened?

I think I’d have a difficult time at the very least not smiling and making a light comment about it.

I had a little snort then lolol

Big snort here.

He was in the rest room when our dinners arrived. Like I said I was so nervous, I proceeded to cut his steak into itty bitty pieces, like he was 5 years old or something! LOL

This is hilarious. Sounds like something you’d see in a sitcom!

This is hilarious. Sounds like something you’d see in a sitcom!

It's funny you say that -- I've had guys tell me I sometimes remind them of Phoebe on Friends with all the silly things I do and sometimes say.

All in good fun and yeah they thought it was pretty hilarious too!

I think at the end of the day really, everyone has some odd habits, and I do mean everyone. I think some of them may not actually seem odd to that person, but they may seem odd to others, that's because we're all different people and think and feel differently. In some cases I'm sure some relationships can't work out because the people can't tolerate each other's quirks. E.g. if this guy's behaviour will drive you bonkers then obviously it's not going to work. I think it's just about personal limits and attitudes. I work with people with mental health issues and disabilities and have college qualifications in that field. Previously I was dating a guy on the autism spectrum and he did have some quirks for sure. One was that often he made no eye contact. I found it weird at first and I just directly asked him why he often wasn't even looking at me when we were talking. He said it was because of the autism and I was like: "OK cool". I was still really into him and I guess I'm quite tolerant of a lot of behaviours, especially if I know where they're coming from. I'm not saying this guy has OCD or doesn't, but even if he did, he's still just a person. Sure, he may line up the salt and pepper but that's just one little thing about him. He may be a great person other than that.

Okay I'll share with you a super dumb thing I did on a first date with a guy I liked due to my being REALLY nervous, and I don't have a controlling bone in my body (other than self-control ).

 

He was in the rest room when our dinners arrived. Like I said I was so nervous, I proceeded to cut his steak into itty bitty pieces, like he was 5 years old or something! LOL

 

When he returned, he asked if it had arrived like that, and I told him no I had cut it, that I was sorry and owned how I nervous I was and he thought it was cute!

 

We dated for awhile after that, and I never displayed such peculiar behavior at all after that.

 

It was all due to nerves!!

Thanks for the laugh, I needed it today! Haha

I don't remember doing anything like that on a date but I notice that when I'm nervous I have a tendency to become very clumsy lol

It's funny you say that -- I've had guys tell me I sometimes remind them of Phoebe on Friends with all the silly things I do and sometimes say.

 

All in good fun and yeah they thought it was pretty hilarious too!

Great character, great show.

Honestly, if a friend told me they did this on a date, I'd think it was one of the best things ever. So funny.

And what's interesting is that, any time I've been out on a date with a guy who was nervous (and usually, it's easy to spot the signs - whether they're clumsy, do or say something quirky, etc.) and they admit to it (or not), it can be quite endearing/cute.

Meanwhile, we're all trying our best to seem calm, cool, collected, and confident.

Maybe it's because they're showing vulnerability. But even when I've done or said something out of being nervous, it's usually well-received, too.

I've never been out with someone like this though, where they're arranging my napkin and dishes.

I'm kinda interested in whether the OP or her date acknowledged this behavior.

Either way, may be normal behavior to him (like one of the other poster's mentioned), so he doesn't think any of it.

Just curious...

But I don't think there's anything to worry about here, OP. I still stick with my earlier post.

I once dated a guy that made me sooo nervous initially that I had to drink some alcohol everytime I saw him. Like my alcohol tolerance is really good so it was hard but I needed to be slightly slightly tipsy hahaha cos I just felt so flustered with him. So I'd buy strong shots and drink spirits (I don't have a drinking problem tehehe) did many silly things in front of him due to nerves.

Another guy I started walking backwards while with him (??) staring at him and kept bumping into him unintentionally cos I was so attracted.

He's prob just alil OCD and nervous. Give it a few more dates lol.

I wouldn't be into that at all.

Sorry, but in this day and age, weird is weird and from my experience, it only gets worse. This guy has some kind of issue or issues and it's not good.

I would take this as a huge red flag and would be out of there. Who knows how weirder he gets. I personally wouldn't want to find out.

When I was younger, I had loads more tolerance for these kinds of things and always gave the benefit of the doubt. It was naive on my part and I was eventually proven right when my instincts first told me this isn't good.

If you notice something is off, it's usually only the tip of the iceberg.

I would wish him good luck and move on.

I don't think it's "controlling" in terms of being controlling towards you.

I feel like he exhibited classic signs of OCD behavior. That said he should not have pushed that on you and your napkin.

When nervous your symptoms get worst.

I suffered from OCD but the cleanliness side of it. Somethings remain but I am open with people when I'm dating. I don't push it on other people. It's my own thing. Just really clean now. I don't expect the person I am dating to be the same.

So that was wrong on his part. It's fine he has his own quirks but to push that onto you. Also not being honest that he has OCD of that's the case.

I never dated when my symptoms were bad. So really he needs to either be honest about his condition or seek help to control them so he doesn't exhibit them.

I assume to him that was normal and he didn't even realise it was not the norm.

I don't think he is a bad guy. He just had OCD.

 

Like I said I was so nervous, I proceeded to cut his steak into itty bitty pieces, like he was 5 years old or something! LOL

 

 

omg. .cracking up.

I can imagine the look on his face

I also believe that the guy was super nervous. But, I do think that his behaviour was a bit odd. That said, don't we all have our idiosyncrasies? If you like the guy, do go out again and like tattoobunnie said "next time speak up, etc." You both might get a good laugh.