Found pictures of my boyfriends ex in his wardrobe?

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. We have our ups and downs but we love each other very much. We've both previously been in a long term relationship before meeting each other, his was 3 years on and off, mine was 2. I'd like to think that I'm completely over my ex, we're good friends and can hang out and speak without it being a problem or without any feelings still being present, we are really just good friends. However, it worries me that my boyfriend still speaks very maliciously about his ex, that is if he ever speaks about her (he will usually get very defensive if I bring her up).

About 8 months ago I was getting a jumper out of his wardrobe and noticed a white bin in the wardrobe full of scrumpled up paper. On top were scrumpled up pictures of him and his ex. It was a shock to find, but I ignored it and assumed that they were to chuck out since they were in a bin, or maybe he'd forgotten about them. I'd completely forgotten about this, but yesterday I was putting away some clothes in his wardrobe while he was out and noticed a new blue storage box had taken place of the bin, and in the box were the pictures, un-scrumpled.

It has really hurt me to think that he's wanted to keep these, they have messages written by her on the back about how much she loved him etc. And it also hurt me that he's obviously been looking at/reading them at some point within the last 8 months. But at the same time I am trying to understand, I know he loved her as it was his first girlfriend and it might be hard for him to part with them. But I still know that he does love me, very much, I know that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me and he has done everything to prove that he loves me. People have to move on and grow and I can't expect him to act as if I'm his only ever girlfriend. But i just don't know how to feel about this, or how to bring it up to him.

What do you guys think? Thank you so much for any advice.

Just because things are in the past it doesn't mean someone doesn't have a past. A bit more disconcerting is being "good friends" with, talking to and hanging out with your ex.

It's odd given your current involvement with your ex, that some old crunched up pics of his ex even concerns you and has you snooping around for these old pics worried about....what?.

At least he's not best friends with her, still talking and hanging out, right?

I'm completely over my ex, we're good friends and can hang out and speak without it being a problem we are really just good friends. On top were scrumpled up pictures of him and his ex. he was out and noticed a new blue storage box had taken place of the bin, and in the box were the pictures, un-scrumpled.

I dont think you should bring it up. Is it really affecting your relationship?

it is just a piece of his past.. he'll rid of it all.. when HE is ready. Not you.

My husband has old photos and love letters from this one ex in a special box which also includes pics and letter from me.

I would not think this means he has any flame burning for her. AT ALL. Don't you have an present, memorabilia or photo of any of your exes? Even if you don't it's a piece of their past that also brought you two together.

I would not sweat over it, regardless if it's now in a keepsake box. I still have a letter or so from an ex, and have zero interest in getting back together, or even think much about them.

I guess you are feeling insecure about something lately that is intensifying things for you?

You can of course bring it up, but don't assume or accuse. Just ask about them. "Hey, I noticed you have photos of your ex in there, but you usually talk about your ex in a bad way? Should I be jealous?" Open and honest communication is key here.

I agree with wiseman. Why are you going through his things and causing YOURSELF so much angst? You still being in touch with your ex (regardless of your intentions or lack of them) to a lot of people is way more concerning then him having memorabilia of his first romantic partner.

His keepsakes are really no different then a widow or widower keeping an accounting of the life they shared with their partner. Would that concern you?

My advice: If he has no contact with her then let it go and stop causing yourself so much anxiety.

This is where I would freak out over: naked pics of exes whether on the phone or actual photos. Exchanges of communication unbeknownst to me. I would break him computer at that point - hahahaha. But I'm not trying to poke any fun at you. In my 20's, when I would find pics of an ex with a current beau, I would be jealous. In my 30's I've gained some perspective on it. Focus on what is in front of you - a good man who loves you and only you. But always get it off your chest - if he's the right guy, he will still love you for being crazy (just not the mean, hurtful, and unproductive kind of crazy)

I would probably talk to him about it, just to get his thought process on it. If the pics were in the same box, still crumpled I wouldn't worry. But I think your concern stems from the changes in that they are in a new box and are uncrumpled.

This still might not mean anything beyond a bit of nostalgia or maybe it comforts him in some way, who knows. But what I have learned is if something bothers you it is always best to speak up about it. It's not as if he were hiding the pics or you broke into a locked box in his basement so a simple, "Hey, I noticed something and it has me a bit concerned..." should really be easy enough to do if you both love each other and have good communication.

I only say this, because in my experience letting things fester or simmer underneath the skin can blow up in the worst possible way. It's my own experiences, and you don't have to take my word on it, it's just what I would do if I were in your shoes. Like the time I found a painting of an ex that my husband had done of her. I asked about it, I was curious really, not threatened. It turns out he just really liked how he had done the painting and he used it sometimes as a reference when doing similar portraits for others. Plus he told me he kept it for sentimental reasons, because he was with her during a time period when he began to make a good living as an artist.

And he was right, it's a beautiful painting. It does not mean he loves her and even if he does, I am the one he's married to and he's not in touch with her at all. So really I don't care.

P.S. It may also be that your boyfriend is simply processing the first relationship in a way that's healthy. Perhaps he's softened and is now to the point of trying to reconcile the good in his past rather than see the bad. I would gauge overall how he feels about you and if he seems to be less bitter about her. Sometimes things from our past are worked out in layers, it doesn't happen that we resolve everything in one time or period only.

My wife used to bring up my exes and I would get upset and she would take it as defensive. I finally told her that I dont feel a need to speak about any ex as that is the past, has no bearing on our relationship and not anything I feel is productive to visit. Your BF is probably the same.

I personally feel more comfortable when a man can say kind things about an ex. To me its a sign of letting go of the anger and moving on. Most relationships bring good with the bad. Its a part of your life and a part of you. I think the OP judges whether a person has moved on from the amount of anger the person carries. Perhaps the OP's boyfriend is taking a page from the OP's book and is slowly releasing the anger. I wouldn't worry over it. Bring it up if you feel like it but in a loving way.

I personally feel more comfortable when a man can say kind things about an ex. To me its a sign of letting go of the anger and moving on. Most relationships bring good with the bad. Its a part of your life and a part of you. I think the OP judges whether a person has moved on from the amount of anger the person carries. Perhaps the OP's boyfriend is taking a page from the OP's book and is slowly releasing the anger. I wouldn't worry over it. Bring it up if you feel like it but in a loving way.

Im just going to take a guess here and say that she doesn't make it feel safe for him to talk about past girlfriends and that she exhibits some jealousy towards them. I base that guess on this statement.

 

It has really hurt me to think that he's wanted to keep these, they have messages written by her on the back about how much she loved him etc. And it also hurt me that he's obviously been looking at/reading them at some point within the last 8 months. But at the same time I am trying to understand, I know he loved her as it was his first girlfriend and it might be hard for him to part with them. But I still know that he does love me, very much, I know that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me and he has done everything to prove that he loves me. People have to move on and grow and I can't expect him to act as if I'm his only ever girlfriend. But i just don't know how to feel about this, or how to bring it up to him.

 

I have pictures, letters and the such from various relationships...in a wooden cigar box. I rarely go through it, but sometimes to find a picture from my past that came to mind. If my gf asked me to throw that box out, I would end the relationship. Those pictures, letters and other memories are a record of my life. Once in a while its nice to browse through and recall tidbits of memories that you might have forgotten. I can only imagine that when I am older and more senile that this box will much more important to me then.

Every ex he ever had before me taught him how to be a better man for me today. So thank you to them.

I've never understood this weird jealousy and the need to destroy the past or get hung up on photos. You are dating a person who has been alive for quite some time before you came into their life. They had a life, they have memories, experiences, etc. I certainly hope that they treasure them rather than seek to destroy them and delete them like life never happened.

Not only would I dump someone who demanded that of me, but I would probably not date someone who will purge and destroy everything of their past. There is something unhealthy in that behavior to my mind. Too much hate.

I personally wouldn't say anything beyond maybe asking which of his things he'd rather you not move or go into. I think people are allowed some private things that they don't have to explain to their partner.

I can understand feeling a bit strange about him still expressing such negativity about his ex. But there's not much you can do about that, other than accept it or not, trust him or not.

I'd be more concerned if a recent ex was still in my partners life. Now since you have chosen to keep your recent ex as a friend, you don't have much legs to stand on if he does too... Does he have contact with her? Hang out?

Every ex he ever had before me taught him how to be a better man for me today. So thank you to them.

 

I've never understood this weird jealousy and the need to destroy the past or get hung up on photos. You are dating a person who has been alive for quite some time before you came into their life. They had a life, they have memories, experiences, etc. I certainly hope that they treasure them rather than seek to destroy them and delete them like life never happened.

 

Not only would I dump someone who demanded that of me, but I would probably not date someone who will purge and destroy everything of their past. There is something unhealthy in that behavior to my mind. Too much hate.

I can't imagine expecting someone to feel ugly or not feel anything at all for someone they once loved. I wouldn't want them to feel that way about me one day if things didnt work out.

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. We have our ups and downs but we love each other very much. We've both previously been in a long term relationship before meeting each other, his was 3 years on and off, mine was 2. I'd like to think that I'm completely over my ex, we're good friends and can hang out and speak without it being a problem or without any feelings still being present, we are really just good friends. However, it worries me that my boyfriend still speaks very maliciously about his ex, that is if he ever speaks about her (he will usually get very defensive if I bring her up).

Not everyone likes talking about exes and not all relationships ended in a good way. Also not too many people can be buddy buddy hang out with their ex.

Just because things are in the past it doesn't mean someone doesn't have a past. A bit more disconcerting is being "good friends" with, talking to and hanging out with your ex.

 

It's odd given your current involvement with your ex, that some old crunched up pics of his ex even concerns you and has you snooping around for these old pics worried about....what?.

 

At least he's not best friends with her, still talking and hanging out, right?

Haha, funilly enough (I should've probably mentioned) my ex came out as bisexual after we'd split up. I was really supportive of it and helped him through it which has meant that we are able to stay such good friends, and he's also a really close friend of my current partner and we regularly attend things all together or they also hang out, so there is definitely nothing fishy about it!! And as for the pictures, there was honestly no snooping at all, they were simply there in front of me. Not saying that I've never snooped before, but I feel as though it has come as more of a shock because I was never looking for anything in the first place.

I would never ask him to do anything with the photos such as destroy them or delete anything, I'm not that kind of person. But I just can't help feeling a bit betrayed if he has been looking through photos with his ex of them cuddling, kissing etc and reading the notes, but I can't tell if that is a normal thing or not and something not to be worried about or...

Keep in mind you don't know what he is thinking by keeping them or even looking at them. Maybe he thinks to himself "that was when that chapter of my life was still good, but now it's done, thank God".

Yes it's very normal to have chapters in your life that may have included different partners just like your chapter with your ex. They are pics in a box, nothing more.

I just can't help feeling a bit betrayed if he has been looking through photos with his ex of them cuddling, kissing etc and reading the notes, but I can't tell if that is a normal thing or not and something not to be worried about or...

I am with Wiseman. I think your own behavior, staying in contact with your ex, is much more of a concern than him uncrumpling some pictures of a past love.

Reality check. He's with you. Focus on that and cut off your ex.

So being good friends with an ex and hanging out with them is ok but keeping a picture is bad?

At least he's not best friends with her, still talking and hanging out, right?

Yep. I can only speak for myself, but my own private rule is that I won't even date, much less involve myself, with anyone who is still involved with an ex in any way, shape, or form beyond shared children.

It's not a crime, but I know myself, and it would do something to my head--so I just won't go there in the first place.

Maybe this is your prompter to notice how attachment to an ex can spell unfinished business to a current lover, and you'll reconsider your own behavior and how it may secretly make your guy feel.

This can be your inroad to discussion with BF. You can say that you read something about why some people prefer clean breaks with exes and won't go near someone who hasn't done the same. You've given this thought, and you've decided to close contact with YOUR ex. Then listen and hear his thoughts. From there, if you want to ask about the box, you can--but understand, it will expose you for snooping inside his things. That will open a whole new can of worms about 'trust' and 'privacy'.

The photos are in a box in the wardrobe. Even if he had them stuck to the refrigerator, they're from the past and have no bearing on the present. I wouldn't read anything into it, unless you have reason to think otherwise.

Even if he had them stuck to the refrigerator, they're from the past and have no bearing on the present.

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I still have pictures from my first GF and most of my previous Xs. It doesnt mean I want them back or it has any emotional attachment what so ever. I keep them because when Im 80, I would like to go back and see what Ive done and who Ive done things with. I still have concert tickets that I went with an old GF or tickets for a sporting event, ticket to Disney and so on. He might be a sentimental guy, who knows.

I would tread very carefully if you want to talk to him about it. Mentioning it alone could cause him to get defensive and why he has them are his business and not yours. What matters is how he treats YOU and if he makes you happy. Enjoy the moment.