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No1

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No1 last won the day on January 28 2020

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  1. OP... please dont give this a second thought. I see two things from what you said. 1. He was keeping you at arms length for a reason. And it could very well be that he has another GF living with him or he is seeing other people and wanted you away from the house. Maybe he was expecting another girl to show up and he didnt want to explain to her who you were. In other words.. he kept you at a distance because he was hiding a lot from you. Which leads to #2. He slowly sabotaged the relationship. Maybe he wanted to be with you and he did the bare minimum to keep you because he knew that if he paid attention to you and said "Im sorry it was because (Insert lame excuse here)" You would accept it and he could go back to do what he was doing. But when you came over, that option went away so he looked for any reason to break it off with you, made it seem like YOU were the bad person and broke it off with you when his behavior drove you to do that action. He was not completely emotionally available to you. I am willing to bet he probably has another love life he is hiding from you. But please.. dont think it was your fault because it wasnt. It takes two to make a relationship work and he was sabotaging it or just doing the minimum. I can tell you this because I have done it in the past. You keep a side hustle on the side, when she gets mad about the lack of communication all you do was just water the plant enough to keep it alive. He had no problems going to your place, but he has a problem with you going to his. That is a one way relationship. What I would do is change the locks. No use in asking for the key because he can just copy it before giving it back to you. So please change out the locks. And then you just purge him from your life. He is not the one for you. someone else is.
  2. Just going to comment on your need for closure. Regardless of reason you have determined that you need closure and you have already validated the reason for it in your mind. I dont care if it means that you want to keep an avenue open, or a need to see if you still have a chance in the future, or if you need to find out why or what happened, it doesnt matter because you have settled on a reason whatever it is. Closure is important if you believe its important. Do you need it to move on? Nope, not at all. Can you have a great relationship without getting your "closure"? Absolutely. But its up to you. If you feel that it is important, then it is you keeping that wound open. Your X doesnt care if its closed or not so the only one that cares about it is you.
  3. You are torturing yourself. This guy was no longer into you. No matter what you did, no matter what road you would of taken, no matter what decisions you would make, all roads would of lead to a break up. Why?? Its because he wasnt into you. You want to know why it didnt work out and you are looking into yourself to see where the failure happened. Did you know you can make zero mistakes and still lose? Its just how life is. Here is the reality is that it takes two people to make a relationship work. There doesnt have to be a good or even a valid reason for a relationship to fail. If the other person doesnt feel it, then its not going to work. No fault, no blame, no reason, just is. I know you have questions you want to ask, I know you want answers, but I can tell you now that your thirst will not go away. The more answers you get, the most questions you will have and the guy you dated will only get validation on why he ended it with you. I know you want to know why. But there are times the real reason is just not good enough, there has to be something. Just accept that it didnt work out and it was destined not to work out. You were meant for someone else.
  4. With so many possible reasons why it ended, I wouldnt worry about this too much. Could of he been looking for any reason to break up with you? Yeah maybe? Was he transferring his feelings and anger to you and lashed out at you and said things to you he wishes he had the strength to tell his X wife? Yeah, possibly. Does he need therapy to get over his anger? Oh yeah. Here is the difference between you and him.. You treated him as a totally new and different person and didnt treat him as an X that hurt you. He went into a relationship with you hoping you were not like his X and at the first sign of its possible that you were, he lashed out at you. So hold your head up high because you put your past behind you when he did not. We all get hurt, we have all been hurt and being a good partner is recognizing that the new partner is not your X so dont treat them as such. You put the past hurt and started fresh. No doubt that you have a guard up, but you didnt bring your past. He cant say the same thing. So you should be proud of that even tho you were not proud of the drinking, you could of treated him as a past, but you didnt. He wasnt the one for you. There is a guy out there that is a better fit.
  5. Of course I have and I know that doing that is wasted energy and it doesnt improve your situation. I have done it and done what you have done and you can sit there and break down your relationship but will it change anything? Will it improve your situation? No, its not going to do anything positive but make you more angry or sad or hurt or whatever feelings you wish to prolong. I say just accept and move on and saying it is one thing, doing it is another. Break ups are a mind set because its a part of history we can not control. The break up is done, the relationship that you were in with this individual is over and the sooner you stand up, dust yourself off, shrug your shoulders and say time to move on, the better. Break ups suck. If they were easy there wouldnt be millions of songs, poems, movies, plays, books or websites dedicated to them. But they are not easy and getting over them takes strength. You have to be stronger than the moment and in a break up there are going to be a lot of moments. And trying to simplify the break up helps. So this is why I say quit trying to break down what happened. Not all relationships you are in are meant to end in a marriage that lasts forever. You will probably have to date other people to find that right one. This guy wasnt the one for you and its that simple. At this point in your life the reason why you two are not together does not matter. The Whys and the hows dont matter anymore. It didnt work out. Will it work out in the next relationship? Who knows, but you cant begin the next one while you are still on the last one.
  6. Wow that is one heck of a forensic breakdown of a relationship. What is wrong with just accepting that it didnt work out? There a number of reasons why a relationship works and just as many reasons why a relationship didnt work. There doesnt have to be blame or mistakes, missteps, someone misspeaking or even a good reason why a relationship didnt work out and sometimes they just didnt work out. Now you can look look at a complex watch and look at the gears and figure out where and why the watch stopped working. Or you can just accept it broke and get a new one. It didnt work out. Leave it at that and move forward onto the next one.
  7. Break ups are a mindset. I know you are scared because he is the only thing you know when it comes to a relationship and love. The ending of a toxic relationship is not a bad thing. I would rather you be happy single then be miserable sleeping with a guy who doesnt want to be with you. So dont look at this as the end of it all. Look at is as a fresh start to something new and exciting. You are into weightlifting and oh, believe me that attracting guys isnt going to be an issue for you. You will date and find the right guy for you. This guy just wasnt the one you were meant to be with anymore. But at the same time you must accept that it is over. He is going to find a new girl, kiss her, snuggle up, have sex and fall in love with another woman. Its what is going to happen. You must accept that its going to happen. At the same time, YOU will find someone, kiss them, snuggle up to them, have sex with them and when the right one comes along, you will fall in love with them. This is not a race on who will find that before the other person. So please dont try to go out and think you have to find someone before him or dont be sad if he posts pictures with another girl. You are only 20.. you have lived about 1/5th of your life so please.. life is not over. Watch, when you are 24 and in love with a great guy you are going to look back and think, WTH was I crying for. This guy is way better. In the meantime, I know it sucks, I know its hard and not going to pretend that it is easy. You have to live with him until sept (and no you cant kick him out or force him to stay somewhere else) but in the meanwhile. You are going to meet someone amazing. You are beautiful, fun, smart, you just need to find a guy where the situation is not toxic. If you have to be single for a while or date a guys, then do so. Do what is best for you. I promise you that you will be better.
  8. To be honest, I highly doubt that he is thinking about you at all. You are out there worrying about how he thinks of you and he is far more interested in his X. He is not laying in bed thinking that you are crazy. He is laying in bed thinking about his X if that helps you. As others have said, the relationship was doomed and you could of been the perfect Disney Princess GF and that does not guarantee a great relationship. It takes two and this guy had his heart with his X. No matter what you could of done, said, given him, performed, acted, the result would of been the same. Broken up. And again to be honest, there is no reason why you should feel guilty about anything because he was just not that into you. In fact he probably used to to see if he was over his X. He could of also been "projecting" which means taking the feelings he has for his X and projecting onto you. Once he realized that didnt work, he focused in on his X. Nothing you could of done. Now if you want to feel guilty of something that was out of your control and it was probably going to happen anyways about the ending of a relationship that never really fully started. Then thats all on you. Because when you heard that he was still interested in his X, thats when your caring should of stopped.
  9. At this point this has nothing to do with her, it all has to do with you. Leaving is not your problem. Staying away is your problem. You know exactly who she is, how she behaves and you walk in eggshells, you cant look at her without questioning every move she makes. You dont trust a single word she says so you have all the reasons to justify you breaking up with her. Your problem is staying away. She might be beautiful, might be the best sex you ever had, might be that you think you cant attract someone else or maybe even think that she is the best you will get or it could be another reason. But every day that you are with her, it hurts you just a little. So you can either empty out the bucket one drop at a time or you just dump the bucket and empty it out. Either way you are going to get wet, but the water on you will eventually dry and you can move on without her in your life. So really it boils down to you. There is never a good time to break up and never a good way. But maybe she wants to break up with you and you two are too chicken to do it. She could think that you are the young sure thing she has which gives her the confidence and freedom to flirt but a life without the ego boost you give her scares her. So she will do just enough to convince you to keep her. Today, you have that choice. Break up with her and wish her a good life, or you find a way to stay in a relationship that you are not happy in. Your move
  10. Its not that you attract toxic people in your life.... you decide to keep toxic people in your life. There is a difference.
  11. See if your company has an EAP (employee assistance program). And you can use it to get free counseling or just find a therapist to talk to. Trying to diagnose and fix your own issues is not easy. Maybe there are some underlying issues as to why. A counselor can help you and help you organize your thoughts better than you doing it on your own. No shame in seeking ways to better yourself.
  12. Your feelings are raw and the wound is fresh and deep. You are just going to have to accept that there is going to be pain for you in the next few weeks or months, but I assure you that its not the end of the line for you. It could very well be the end of the relationship but that doesnt mean that you will never be happy again. It is possible that in the last 6 months she decided that the relationship just wasnt going to work. There doesnt have to be a good reason, but for someone who is looking for a reason to justify it, you gave her one by getting upset about taking her to the airport for her flight out. You know when you non-rev you always take the first flight out anyways right? But I digress. Truth is that she was already planning on breaking up with you, the outburst didnt help you but it could of been the excuse she needed. And you were probably right that the last hug was a good-bye hug altho it doesnt mean its the last youll see of her. You are asking questions that you cant answer and even if you did get your answer it would only make you thirsty for more answers and give you more questions. In your last post you were wondering if it was a new guy and when you mentioned it to her, it was not your finest moment because even if it was, you have no say in what she does with her life. But what I do know is that you cant worry about things you can not control. Is there a man in her bed? Is she seeing a co-worker? Is she just unhappy and wants to be single? None of those questions have answers that you can control. Questions like What can I do to move on? Is something you can answer because you can control your happiness. You have but one option and that is to just let her be and let her figure things out. Dont beg, negotiate, convince, or otherwise say or do anything to make her feel obligated to come back to you. If she does, she will only resent you. She has to be the one to come to the decision and right now her mind is on the side of "I dont want to be with you". Nothing you can do or say to change her mind, she will just have to make that change on her own. If you are the best guy in the world out there for her, she will know. If she finds a guy who is better for her, she will know. Until then, you just have to let her go and let her decide.
  13. you are confused because you are thinking with your heart and not your brain. You are thinking about the future and the past, but not looking at what is directly in front of you. There were about 3,495 red flags that went up. But you somehow ignored every single one. One for me would of been her at 18 saying she had a lot of failed relationships. How many "relationships" could you have before the age of 18? Then before 18 she went thru a "Hoe" phase? I would of lowered my expectations at this point. But you wanted to be the good guy, the knight, the one to show her what true love could be like. You wanted to change her thinking if you treat her right, you could land and keep a hot sexy girl that would turn a lot of heads and give you an ego boost. Then she told you that even tho she "loves" you, that she doesnt know she can commit to you? That is a strange way to vision what "love" is dont you think? I dont think she lied, I think she showed you everything and you perhaps were blind. She could very well love being in your arms, but the urge to be with others won out. So now you are confused as to how she can do this. You ask yourself how is it possible to tell someone else they love them, then want to go have sex with others? The answer is simple. This is who she is right now. Its not for you to understand, diagnose, help, cure, contain, fix or change. She is on a path that is hers and hers alone. You have a choice to be on that path with her but I guarantee you wont like what you see and hear. Or you can hop off and go back on your own path and let her be. She wont hop onto yours any time soon. Or she may find someone else that she wants to be with. But nothing to be confused about. Accept this is who she is. You asked what you could do to win her back? Nothing. Choice is hers. I know you are probably thinking that being with her and treating her right she could change how she thinks and forget wanting to be with others. Im almost positive this is what you are thinking and I can say that its most likely not going to work. Let me ask you this question. If you two went to a club and she met a guy she wants to have sex with, would she leave you at the club so she can go home with this guy? I would say yes. If you agree with me, then this is what being with her could be like. I know this reply is long but I have been where you are, Ive made the mistakes you are making and I can tell you from experience. Just leave her life, its been 4 months, its not love, and you find someone that actually wants to be with you. Not someone that wants to sleep around then wants to possibly maybe wants to be with you.
  14. Just remember that the sun will still rise and set without her in your life. In other words, you will be just fine. This could be the best thing to happen to you as your life is open to a new woman in your life. I know it seems like its not going to happen but Im going to tell you, its going to happen. Sometimes we have to date other people to find the right one. She will find another guy in time so dont worry about her. Now, I know your journey is not going to be easy. I think we have all been there so we understand what you are going thru and what you are going to go thru. You will have your good days and your bad days. Thats normal.. Break ups are simple but hard to get over. So give yourself time. For me a big part is acceptance. I dont think you had to delete your social media but if you felt like you were not going to be strong enough to not look, then thats a good move. You must do what is right for you. You will be just fine..
  15. So if I understand it, you loved this woman so much that she told you what was wrong, you didnt listen or adapt to what she was saying, she gave you another chance and you loved her so much, you still didnt give her the attention she wanted? Did I get that correct? She told you, and you either A. Didnt care or B. She wasnt that important. C. She is not the one for you. Please dont start with excuses, you had your chance, you blew it and she is out there available to find the one who will pay attention to her. And it doesnt matter if she is seeing someone, having sex with a different guy every night or staying in at home every night. Its her life, she is an X and can do whatever she wants and doesnt have to tell you anything or justify anything. BTW.. social media is the devil after a break up. If you look at it and feel bad, its because you wanted to feel horrible. Your curiosity and your weakness is going to keep you down but that is because it is your choice. Leave her be and accept that you will not kiss her, hug her or have sex with her again. She has moved on from you. Move on from her, learn from your mistakes and dont make them again with the next girl
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