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Everything posted by No1

  1. OP... please dont give this a second thought. I see two things from what you said. 1. He was keeping you at arms length for a reason. And it could very well be that he has another GF living with him or he is seeing other people and wanted you away from the house. Maybe he was expecting another girl to show up and he didnt want to explain to her who you were. In other words.. he kept you at a distance because he was hiding a lot from you. Which leads to #2. He slowly sabotaged the relationship. Maybe he wanted to be with you and he did the bare minimum to keep you because he knew that if he paid attention to you and said "Im sorry it was because (Insert lame excuse here)" You would accept it and he could go back to do what he was doing. But when you came over, that option went away so he looked for any reason to break it off with you, made it seem like YOU were the bad person and broke it off with you when his behavior drove you to do that action. He was not completely emotionally available to you. I am willing to bet he probably has another love life he is hiding from you. But please.. dont think it was your fault because it wasnt. It takes two to make a relationship work and he was sabotaging it or just doing the minimum. I can tell you this because I have done it in the past. You keep a side hustle on the side, when she gets mad about the lack of communication all you do was just water the plant enough to keep it alive. He had no problems going to your place, but he has a problem with you going to his. That is a one way relationship. What I would do is change the locks. No use in asking for the key because he can just copy it before giving it back to you. So please change out the locks. And then you just purge him from your life. He is not the one for you. someone else is.
  2. Just going to comment on your need for closure. Regardless of reason you have determined that you need closure and you have already validated the reason for it in your mind. I dont care if it means that you want to keep an avenue open, or a need to see if you still have a chance in the future, or if you need to find out why or what happened, it doesnt matter because you have settled on a reason whatever it is. Closure is important if you believe its important. Do you need it to move on? Nope, not at all. Can you have a great relationship without getting your "closure"? Absolutely. But its up to you. If you feel that it is important, then it is you keeping that wound open. Your X doesnt care if its closed or not so the only one that cares about it is you.
  3. You are torturing yourself. This guy was no longer into you. No matter what you did, no matter what road you would of taken, no matter what decisions you would make, all roads would of lead to a break up. Why?? Its because he wasnt into you. You want to know why it didnt work out and you are looking into yourself to see where the failure happened. Did you know you can make zero mistakes and still lose? Its just how life is. Here is the reality is that it takes two people to make a relationship work. There doesnt have to be a good or even a valid reason for a relationship to fail. If the other person doesnt feel it, then its not going to work. No fault, no blame, no reason, just is. I know you have questions you want to ask, I know you want answers, but I can tell you now that your thirst will not go away. The more answers you get, the most questions you will have and the guy you dated will only get validation on why he ended it with you. I know you want to know why. But there are times the real reason is just not good enough, there has to be something. Just accept that it didnt work out and it was destined not to work out. You were meant for someone else.
  4. With so many possible reasons why it ended, I wouldnt worry about this too much. Could of he been looking for any reason to break up with you? Yeah maybe? Was he transferring his feelings and anger to you and lashed out at you and said things to you he wishes he had the strength to tell his X wife? Yeah, possibly. Does he need therapy to get over his anger? Oh yeah. Here is the difference between you and him.. You treated him as a totally new and different person and didnt treat him as an X that hurt you. He went into a relationship with you hoping you were not like his X and at the first sign of its possible that you were, he lashed out at you. So hold your head up high because you put your past behind you when he did not. We all get hurt, we have all been hurt and being a good partner is recognizing that the new partner is not your X so dont treat them as such. You put the past hurt and started fresh. No doubt that you have a guard up, but you didnt bring your past. He cant say the same thing. So you should be proud of that even tho you were not proud of the drinking, you could of treated him as a past, but you didnt. He wasnt the one for you. There is a guy out there that is a better fit.
  5. Of course I have and I know that doing that is wasted energy and it doesnt improve your situation. I have done it and done what you have done and you can sit there and break down your relationship but will it change anything? Will it improve your situation? No, its not going to do anything positive but make you more angry or sad or hurt or whatever feelings you wish to prolong. I say just accept and move on and saying it is one thing, doing it is another. Break ups are a mind set because its a part of history we can not control. The break up is done, the relationship that you were in with this individual is over and the sooner you stand up, dust yourself off, shrug your shoulders and say time to move on, the better. Break ups suck. If they were easy there wouldnt be millions of songs, poems, movies, plays, books or websites dedicated to them. But they are not easy and getting over them takes strength. You have to be stronger than the moment and in a break up there are going to be a lot of moments. And trying to simplify the break up helps. So this is why I say quit trying to break down what happened. Not all relationships you are in are meant to end in a marriage that lasts forever. You will probably have to date other people to find that right one. This guy wasnt the one for you and its that simple. At this point in your life the reason why you two are not together does not matter. The Whys and the hows dont matter anymore. It didnt work out. Will it work out in the next relationship? Who knows, but you cant begin the next one while you are still on the last one.
  6. Wow that is one heck of a forensic breakdown of a relationship. What is wrong with just accepting that it didnt work out? There a number of reasons why a relationship works and just as many reasons why a relationship didnt work. There doesnt have to be blame or mistakes, missteps, someone misspeaking or even a good reason why a relationship didnt work out and sometimes they just didnt work out. Now you can look look at a complex watch and look at the gears and figure out where and why the watch stopped working. Or you can just accept it broke and get a new one. It didnt work out. Leave it at that and move forward onto the next one.
  7. Break ups are a mindset. I know you are scared because he is the only thing you know when it comes to a relationship and love. The ending of a toxic relationship is not a bad thing. I would rather you be happy single then be miserable sleeping with a guy who doesnt want to be with you. So dont look at this as the end of it all. Look at is as a fresh start to something new and exciting. You are into weightlifting and oh, believe me that attracting guys isnt going to be an issue for you. You will date and find the right guy for you. This guy just wasnt the one you were meant to be with anymore. But at the same time you must accept that it is over. He is going to find a new girl, kiss her, snuggle up, have sex and fall in love with another woman. Its what is going to happen. You must accept that its going to happen. At the same time, YOU will find someone, kiss them, snuggle up to them, have sex with them and when the right one comes along, you will fall in love with them. This is not a race on who will find that before the other person. So please dont try to go out and think you have to find someone before him or dont be sad if he posts pictures with another girl. You are only 20.. you have lived about 1/5th of your life so please.. life is not over. Watch, when you are 24 and in love with a great guy you are going to look back and think, WTH was I crying for. This guy is way better. In the meantime, I know it sucks, I know its hard and not going to pretend that it is easy. You have to live with him until sept (and no you cant kick him out or force him to stay somewhere else) but in the meanwhile. You are going to meet someone amazing. You are beautiful, fun, smart, you just need to find a guy where the situation is not toxic. If you have to be single for a while or date a guys, then do so. Do what is best for you. I promise you that you will be better.
  8. To be honest, I highly doubt that he is thinking about you at all. You are out there worrying about how he thinks of you and he is far more interested in his X. He is not laying in bed thinking that you are crazy. He is laying in bed thinking about his X if that helps you. As others have said, the relationship was doomed and you could of been the perfect Disney Princess GF and that does not guarantee a great relationship. It takes two and this guy had his heart with his X. No matter what you could of done, said, given him, performed, acted, the result would of been the same. Broken up. And again to be honest, there is no reason why you should feel guilty about anything because he was just not that into you. In fact he probably used to to see if he was over his X. He could of also been "projecting" which means taking the feelings he has for his X and projecting onto you. Once he realized that didnt work, he focused in on his X. Nothing you could of done. Now if you want to feel guilty of something that was out of your control and it was probably going to happen anyways about the ending of a relationship that never really fully started. Then thats all on you. Because when you heard that he was still interested in his X, thats when your caring should of stopped.
  9. At this point this has nothing to do with her, it all has to do with you. Leaving is not your problem. Staying away is your problem. You know exactly who she is, how she behaves and you walk in eggshells, you cant look at her without questioning every move she makes. You dont trust a single word she says so you have all the reasons to justify you breaking up with her. Your problem is staying away. She might be beautiful, might be the best sex you ever had, might be that you think you cant attract someone else or maybe even think that she is the best you will get or it could be another reason. But every day that you are with her, it hurts you just a little. So you can either empty out the bucket one drop at a time or you just dump the bucket and empty it out. Either way you are going to get wet, but the water on you will eventually dry and you can move on without her in your life. So really it boils down to you. There is never a good time to break up and never a good way. But maybe she wants to break up with you and you two are too chicken to do it. She could think that you are the young sure thing she has which gives her the confidence and freedom to flirt but a life without the ego boost you give her scares her. So she will do just enough to convince you to keep her. Today, you have that choice. Break up with her and wish her a good life, or you find a way to stay in a relationship that you are not happy in. Your move
  10. Its not that you attract toxic people in your life.... you decide to keep toxic people in your life. There is a difference.
  11. See if your company has an EAP (employee assistance program). And you can use it to get free counseling or just find a therapist to talk to. Trying to diagnose and fix your own issues is not easy. Maybe there are some underlying issues as to why. A counselor can help you and help you organize your thoughts better than you doing it on your own. No shame in seeking ways to better yourself.
  12. Your feelings are raw and the wound is fresh and deep. You are just going to have to accept that there is going to be pain for you in the next few weeks or months, but I assure you that its not the end of the line for you. It could very well be the end of the relationship but that doesnt mean that you will never be happy again. It is possible that in the last 6 months she decided that the relationship just wasnt going to work. There doesnt have to be a good reason, but for someone who is looking for a reason to justify it, you gave her one by getting upset about taking her to the airport for her flight out. You know when you non-rev you always take the first flight out anyways right? But I digress. Truth is that she was already planning on breaking up with you, the outburst didnt help you but it could of been the excuse she needed. And you were probably right that the last hug was a good-bye hug altho it doesnt mean its the last youll see of her. You are asking questions that you cant answer and even if you did get your answer it would only make you thirsty for more answers and give you more questions. In your last post you were wondering if it was a new guy and when you mentioned it to her, it was not your finest moment because even if it was, you have no say in what she does with her life. But what I do know is that you cant worry about things you can not control. Is there a man in her bed? Is she seeing a co-worker? Is she just unhappy and wants to be single? None of those questions have answers that you can control. Questions like What can I do to move on? Is something you can answer because you can control your happiness. You have but one option and that is to just let her be and let her figure things out. Dont beg, negotiate, convince, or otherwise say or do anything to make her feel obligated to come back to you. If she does, she will only resent you. She has to be the one to come to the decision and right now her mind is on the side of "I dont want to be with you". Nothing you can do or say to change her mind, she will just have to make that change on her own. If you are the best guy in the world out there for her, she will know. If she finds a guy who is better for her, she will know. Until then, you just have to let her go and let her decide.
  13. you are confused because you are thinking with your heart and not your brain. You are thinking about the future and the past, but not looking at what is directly in front of you. There were about 3,495 red flags that went up. But you somehow ignored every single one. One for me would of been her at 18 saying she had a lot of failed relationships. How many "relationships" could you have before the age of 18? Then before 18 she went thru a "Hoe" phase? I would of lowered my expectations at this point. But you wanted to be the good guy, the knight, the one to show her what true love could be like. You wanted to change her thinking if you treat her right, you could land and keep a hot sexy girl that would turn a lot of heads and give you an ego boost. Then she told you that even tho she "loves" you, that she doesnt know she can commit to you? That is a strange way to vision what "love" is dont you think? I dont think she lied, I think she showed you everything and you perhaps were blind. She could very well love being in your arms, but the urge to be with others won out. So now you are confused as to how she can do this. You ask yourself how is it possible to tell someone else they love them, then want to go have sex with others? The answer is simple. This is who she is right now. Its not for you to understand, diagnose, help, cure, contain, fix or change. She is on a path that is hers and hers alone. You have a choice to be on that path with her but I guarantee you wont like what you see and hear. Or you can hop off and go back on your own path and let her be. She wont hop onto yours any time soon. Or she may find someone else that she wants to be with. But nothing to be confused about. Accept this is who she is. You asked what you could do to win her back? Nothing. Choice is hers. I know you are probably thinking that being with her and treating her right she could change how she thinks and forget wanting to be with others. Im almost positive this is what you are thinking and I can say that its most likely not going to work. Let me ask you this question. If you two went to a club and she met a guy she wants to have sex with, would she leave you at the club so she can go home with this guy? I would say yes. If you agree with me, then this is what being with her could be like. I know this reply is long but I have been where you are, Ive made the mistakes you are making and I can tell you from experience. Just leave her life, its been 4 months, its not love, and you find someone that actually wants to be with you. Not someone that wants to sleep around then wants to possibly maybe wants to be with you.
  14. Just remember that the sun will still rise and set without her in your life. In other words, you will be just fine. This could be the best thing to happen to you as your life is open to a new woman in your life. I know it seems like its not going to happen but Im going to tell you, its going to happen. Sometimes we have to date other people to find the right one. She will find another guy in time so dont worry about her. Now, I know your journey is not going to be easy. I think we have all been there so we understand what you are going thru and what you are going to go thru. You will have your good days and your bad days. Thats normal.. Break ups are simple but hard to get over. So give yourself time. For me a big part is acceptance. I dont think you had to delete your social media but if you felt like you were not going to be strong enough to not look, then thats a good move. You must do what is right for you. You will be just fine..
  15. So if I understand it, you loved this woman so much that she told you what was wrong, you didnt listen or adapt to what she was saying, she gave you another chance and you loved her so much, you still didnt give her the attention she wanted? Did I get that correct? She told you, and you either A. Didnt care or B. She wasnt that important. C. She is not the one for you. Please dont start with excuses, you had your chance, you blew it and she is out there available to find the one who will pay attention to her. And it doesnt matter if she is seeing someone, having sex with a different guy every night or staying in at home every night. Its her life, she is an X and can do whatever she wants and doesnt have to tell you anything or justify anything. BTW.. social media is the devil after a break up. If you look at it and feel bad, its because you wanted to feel horrible. Your curiosity and your weakness is going to keep you down but that is because it is your choice. Leave her be and accept that you will not kiss her, hug her or have sex with her again. She has moved on from you. Move on from her, learn from your mistakes and dont make them again with the next girl
  16. You are chasing a leaf that is blowing in the wind. Not only chasing it, but trying to catch it by determining where its going to land. You will not know where its going to land or where its going, but you are trying. This is exactly what you are doing. You are trying to figure out what she is thinking even tho she has no idea what she is thinking or why she is doing the things she is doing. Its obvious you two have physical chemistry but you lack the emotional chemistry. She likes the sex, hates being with you. So this could be what confuses her. But she also knows she doesnt want to be in a romantic relationship with you. Sex with you is a way to cope because it could bring her back to a time when she thought you were going to be that guy but you treated her badly, that sex reminded her of 'what could have been'. But instead of looking back or trying to figure out whats going on with her. Focus on you. She does not want to be with you. She knows where you live and please dont be that other guy while she is in a relationship. You wouldnt like your GF sleeping around with and X, so dont do it with her because I can tell you that Karma will catch up with you. So play nice. She is with another guy, respect it no matter what she tells you. She is off limits. And she should be out of your life while you work on you. I am not going to lie and pretend that 5.5 years is easy to get over. It is not. And for her as well it is not easy to get over you, but right now she has to land on your own two feet and decide which direction she needs to go to better her life. If that means dating another guy or two or three, then thats on her. Eventually she will figure things out. You must do the same. Leave her be, dont be so available, dont have pics of her on your phone or computer or tablet or whatever electronic device you have. Do what is right for you.
  17. okay so you said what you had to say, so now you can move on and let it go. No need to check her social media or call her or text her. clean slate from this day forward. right?
  18. by your actions, you have just put the last nail in your relationship coffin. She broke up with you for a reason and all you did was validate those reasons and I think you have completely destroyed any chance even tho it was very little to begin with. Why on Earth would you contact a complete stranger to ask how does she know your X? This is not fighting for a relationship this is a way to finalizing a relationship. You are or were living in a fantasy world driven by movies or the tele on how you should "fight" to keep a relationship together. In simple terms, it takes two people to make it work and if one person wants out or doesnt want to be in it anymore, then its doomed. You are also holding on to the past promises and thinking somehow holding it to her is enough to make her realize her "mistake". But all those past promises no longer matter. They have to be thrown out because they are now just words. So dont think she owes you anything. You had years with her and now she is no longer interested in you. Doesnt mean there was fault or blame or the reason has to be valid because it no longer matters. She checked out long time ago and pulled away and the harder you tried to hold on, the worse you made it. Now with contacting this other guy she wont know about it? Very bad move. Ill be surprised if she ever speaks to you again. But you have to realize a few things. The relationship is over, its done, no going back. You have to accept she is going to kiss, hug, smile and have sex with another guy. It sucks, it hurts and its not easy to accept, but you have to accept that this is reality. Im sorry to be the one that has to tell you that. But in that, look at the positives. You attracted a good girl and no reason why you cant do it again. But you have to work on you first. The happier you make yourself, the easier it will be to attract a new girl. You can read this and think I dont want another one, but she has sailed away so again, accept that it has to be with someone new and not a replacement. Another thing is that the sun still rose and it still set and life did move on. This means that you are the only one that controls your happiness. You are on your own path now, Do NOT contact her, look at her social media, call her, text her, think she wants to hear from you because she doesnt. Any messages she sent you, delete them, any emails, cards, gifts or anything she gave you that invokes an emotion, you must get rid of them. Leave her alone. Live your life.
  19. one of the many steps in the grieving process is reasoning and bargaining. I am sure there at numbers to these steps or maybe even a progression tree, but maybe you are at the denial and bargaining stage at the same time. You have not accepted that the relationship is over. You are disbelief. It cant be over because there wasnt a valid reason enough. He must of made a mistake or didnt mean it.. So you reason and bargain with yourself. You know, even tho he broke it off, he is too stubborn to admit fault or blame so Ill just reach out. Maybe thats all he needs to get back together.. Im sure of it. Look.. at some point you are going to have to deal with what is the current moment and not how it was and how it could be if you reach out. Here is how it is right this very minute. 1. He broke it off with you. 2. The reason as to why does not matter. 3. He doesnt want to be in a relationship with you any more so he made up the most logical excuse he could find. 4. He was going to break up with you anyway, it was just a matter of time. 5. He knows that you are out there and available and 6. If he wants you, he would of moved mountains to be with you. If a guy wants to be with you, he will do just about anything to make it happen. He is not doing that. I know you will find some excuse to contact him. Youll make up a story that you cant find a shirt or ask how his mom is doing, but youll eventually reason yourself into contacting him. My advise is dont. He is in your past, let him remain there. If he ever calls you fine, good for you, but you cant put your life on hold. Move forward, if he wants you, he will chase you.
  20. This is what I read.. Stop me if Im off. You want him because he no longer wants you? Is that pretty much right on? So you are like that kid in the playground that doesnt want the red ball to play with but if you see another kid playing with it, you now want to play with the ball? Your instincts told you "Im not that into him" So you just have to continue that. Let him find someone else who wants to be him and you find someone else that you want to be with because you dont want him because you like him, you want him because he doesnt want you.
  21. Then you are the only person who is holding your happiness back. Its not your X, he is not calling you telling you to wait for him, he is not telling you to think of him or demanding that you wait for him. He is on his own path. So the only person in the world that is keeping you from being happy is you. I dont know how else to put it. You can sit there and think of him all day or you can wish he was with you and its not going to help you. You are the one who was left at the altar still wearing the wedding dress years later hoping that the guy returns so you can resume life as it was. If you think this life is acceptable, then more power to you. But at some point you are going to have to stand up and dust yourself off because no one is going to do it for you. The choice is completely yours and no one else. You can ask for all the advice in the world and get great responses on what you should do, but they cant do it for you. There is no short cut, there is no easy way, you must work to be happy and until that day comes, you are going to continue to be in your limbo.
  22. I would suggest that you quit doing your journal. Why you ask? Because every single time you open up your book, you re-open those wounds and they will never heal. You can go back and read how bad you felt or how much you miss him or whatever and all those feelings come back. That journal is a trigger to bring back all those memories. Even tho you are in "No contact" with your X. The journal could be acting as your contact because you feel that its a close tie to him. Its like a scab, if you pick it every few hours, you think your wound will heal? And let me ask you, what are you so afraid of? Sometimes its easier to focus on someone else rather than yourself. So thinking of your X, how they would feel could be a time consuming distraction to what is really going on with your life. I mean, you had sex with someone and you were still thinking you wish it was your X. So why do you have such a fear of letting your X go? What do you think will happen to you? Do you think by not moving on you are doing yourself or your X a favor by saying, look Im still here and available to you.. I can tell you as a guy, if an X has not moved on and is still putting their life on hold for me, thats not cute or attractive, thats downright scary and would not even make me want to be with them. Why would I want to be with someone who is in the exact same condition as when I left her? Why would I want to be with someone who has not moved forward with her life and has not advanced or done anything since the break up? No no no no no nooooo. IMO, I would stop with writing down thoughts in your journal. I know its a way to help you cope, but it could be hindering your healing. Not saying do this forever, just for a little bit. Maybe by not pulling up those feelings daily, you can begin to heal. Just a thought.
  23. this is what I read.. Im doing great and I want to let my X know that if we get back together she doesnt have to cheat on me anymore. I know in your mind you have already played an imaginary conversation(s) on what would happen if you contact her. You have played the scenario that if she is available because it didnt work out, you would suggest going out and seeing if there is a chance between you two. Please tell me you havent thought of it. Did you ever imagine the dark other side to your imaginary conversations? You call her up, pretending to be a friend and lie and tell her that you are over the relationship and she goes on to tell you that she met someone else and this guy is the man of her dreams. The sex is great, he treats her right, she is happier than she has ever been. Oh BTW how are you doing? Are you prepared for that type of conversation? Someone on here posted a great saying. If you get emotional if your X tells you about a new partner, you are not over them. If you can tell your X, lll help you find you a new partner. Then you are over them. Which side of the fence are you on?
  24. People like this are horrible. I know because I used to be one. But let me see if I got this right. This guy misses you so much that even tho he knows you are still available, he does not want to be in a romantic relationship with you? So here is the deal with that. Words are just words. I can say all those words but if it is not backed up with action, then they still remain as words and have no meaning. Does he miss you? Probably... Does he regret breaking up with you? Possibly.. Does he want to be with you despite telling you that he might have made a mistake and that he misses you? Not a chance. So what he could be doing is just keeping you strung along until he falls for someone else. Right now you are what he needs for his ego. You wont hurt him, you are there, you are understanding, you cry, you are always available to him and he knows as long as he tells you those things. There is no way you are going to want to meet someone else. Maybe he is trying to keep you all to himself until he is ready to cut you loose. Could I be wrong? Yes, that is possible but no matter if I am right or wrong, this is an example of why you should just let an X remain an X. For every day you are available to your X, its one less day you get to spend with the true love of your life. You asked what is your alternative. Let him go. You tell him that you have to move on with your life and tell him to have a good life and you let him go. He has had his 6 months to get back with you and he hasnt made an effort to do so, so what does that tell you? Cutting him off is the best thing you can do for your future. Might hurt briefly but in the long game, this is best for you. Make room in your life and in your heart for someone better, for someone that actually wants to be with you. Thats your alternative.
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