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porenn

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  1. Thank you for your empathetic responses. I appreciate them.
  2. I ended contact with my mother 5 years ago. Some of my friends still ask me if she is ok. I can tell they think I am being unreasonable or harsh in my treatment of her. There's one who keeps saying "she could die". My friends are my chosen family but they don't understand what its like to have grown up the way I did. Sometimes they have difficult situations with their parents and they think its the same thing. Maybe that is partly my fault. One of the first things I learned was how to edit myself. I don't think I have ever divulged, even to myself, the extent of the dysfunction in my home. I wrap them up into smaller packages in my brain where they don't touch each other. Even in therapy I would pick and choose events that were sufficiently bad to cause alarm but not so bad. As if I could still be taken away from my family and put in a home. some of my friends have lost a parent to death. I don't think they understand. I knew my parents did not want or love me from a young age. Its not a misunderstanding. Its not something that time can fix. People can't wrap their heads around the idea that my parents don't experience the love that usually occurs between parents and children. They think its there and I have misread or misunderstood something. When I have tried telling people the story they start making excuses for them. My parents were married. After 15 yrs they divorced and my father has never spoken to me since then. I was less than 6 years old at the time. I have been in the same room with him. His only expressions were disgust and contempt. I have 3 sisters. We have been to family events like his mother's funeral. He had no curiosity about anything that happened to me. To be frank, if he is now experiencing regret that comes with old age, I have no interest in it. I was repeatedly thrust into situations where he rejected me. My mother was both physically and emotionally abusive. She used to beat us out of sheer frustration. My older sisters felt that I wasn't beaten enough so they used to beat me too. I wasn't 10 years old the first time I tried to kill myself. My mother told me that if I complained they would take me to a Children's Home where they would sexually abuse me in addition to beating me. I wasn't misbehaving. I was a really obedient child. It didn't matter what I did. I couldn't avoid being beaten. My mother sent me to school. It was a good school. Then she tried to sabotage me in school and I couldn't understand. I started cutting myself by the time I was 12. My mother isolated us from family except for one of her sisters. I didn't have anyone I could turn to. By the time I was 14 my mother fell into deep depression. She wouldn't leave the house or bathe. She would just sit around naked. We couldn't open the doors or windows. I would come home from school and put the dinner on. Clean around her. I don't remember how long that lasted, Could have been between 6 months to a year. Even before that, when she worked I did the household chores because if I didn't she would beat me. Just me. Not my sisters. So I used to clean around my sisters too. I got a scholarship to go to university. Got away from home and moved to another country. When I got home my family adjusted their story. I was proud to have survived every trap they set for me. If you listen to them they will tell you how they sacrificed and supported my dreams and now I owe them everything. I wish I lived in that reality. So today is Mother's Day. Some well meaning person is going to ask me if I am not going to call my mother. Sometimes I lie and say "I just got off the phone with her and she's good". Its been years. I don't think she has the capacity to be the mother who isn't actively trying to crush me. Even if she did, I'm too angry to want it. Too afraid of them to entertain the thought that maybe they won't try to ruin me. My body gets tense whenever anyone sounds optimistic about healing the relationship between my family and I. I've tried setting boundaries with them. They are relentless. I'm not the problem. I haven't felt like killing myself once since I separated from them. That's five years without a suicidal thought. When I stayed in contact with them I had specific plans to kill myself at least once every six months. Any time I got something I wanted they would try to take it away. Being away from them allows me to relax sometimes. Enjoy life a little bit. I'm not going back
  3. Oh wow. I didn't realize that this post was published (I thought I accidentally deleted it and didn't have the energy to re-type it). Thanks for pointing me to it and the responses are helpful. I hate that I let them get to me like this. I think I need to reset my mind completely. To be honest I am always terrified about what people will think once my family goes on their smear campaign. I worry that everybody would believe that I am a monster. Intellectually I know I shouldn't worry what other people think but I do.
  4. I think I am feeling the hum of depression. My mother is a narcissist and I think 2 of my sisters may be narcissists. I stopped communicating with them about 3 years ago and it has given me so much peace of mind. I've grown so much in the last three years. about 6 weeks ago my sister called me for the first time in 3 years to tell me she separated from her husband. No interest in what is going on in my life. She just wants sympathy and money. I took the first call because I didn't know the number. After that she kept messaging me for money to send her kids to school. Honestly I would want to help my niece and nephew but I can't afford to get sucked back in. She decided not to let her husband see his kids after they split and I was not getting involved in that. About 2 weeks after she started calling me her husband (who I haven't seen in 3 years) showed up at my apartment complex without warning demanding that I speak to him. I had gone to the supermarket and came home to find him in a vehicle parked outside my apartment. I went inside and locked the door and the grill. Apparently he found his daughter at school and removed her without her mother's knowledge or consent so she started sending me messages that her husband kidnapped her daughter. Now I am getting messages that the little girl is in the hospital from an uncle I haven't heard from in 15 years and random other people. Nobody will say what is wrong with the little girl so it could be as simple as an ear infection to as serious as needing an organ. That's the point though. To drive up my anxiety enough to contact them. I'm not gonna lie. Its working. It might seem strange to anyone that I haven't responded to any of these several messages but I've been here with them before. This is exactly in character. They just want to find the precise combination of buttons to trigger my rescue response. They are the people who will generate a genuine emergency if they think it will work. I don't hate them. I just can't go back there. It will kill me. My coping strategy has been to rehearse the past in my mind. Going over all the past craziness in my mind is genuinely depressing. Reminding myself that my family does not care about me is genuinely depressing. I don't have time to be depressed. I have so much work to do. I've finally agreed to take on some leadership responsibilities I was avoiding. All the feedback so far has been overwhelmingly positive on the project I have been developing. I don't feel like getting out of bed in the mornings. I don't feel like talking to the people I need to talk to. I have a shorter fuse than usual. I used to be afraid of the day when they would succeed in blowing up my life. I think I still am. Once they lose hope that they will be able to use me they will come after me to destroy me. These aren't the live and let live people.
  5. I'm feeling conflicted. I have been out of touch with my family for a while. The whole dynamic is dysfunctional. My mother is a narcissist who pitted her children against each other. The only reason they ever reach out to me is when they want something. This was long before I cut them off. I'm still bitter about being admitted to the hospital and people messaging me to ask for money. I fell out with this sister when she came by my house with her husband and kids. I was giving her clothes because she was trying to get a job. The kids were out of control. Neither parent was trying to control them. They were running around, broke my DVD Player, stuck my foam roller in the toilet and I got fed up and told them to leave. She has a temper and she started lying that I hit one of the children. Then she threatened to damage my car. I live in an apartment complex and the security guard heard them and asked them to leave. Then they started on him. Raining expletives on him. I did not lay a hand on my niece. I decided they were dangerous and stopped contacting them. They didn't try to call me either. They generally lived above their means and I had decided that helping her with clothes for an interview was good but randomly handing money to them was bad. They'll do things like go to a hotel for a vacation and come home to unpaid rent and light and call for assistance. I really feel it for the kids who have done nothing wrong. About a month ago my sister called me from a different number to say she left her husband. I answered because I didnt recognize the number. She was asking for advice about custody so I answered her questions. Apparently she is not letting her husband see the kids and I decided not to get involved in that drama. Last week I came home from the supermarket and her husband was parked at my gate waiting for me. I drove in without saying anything to him. Last night she sent me a text trying to get money. I don't want her or the kids to starve but I dont want to get drawn back into the drama. She and her husband spend alot of time in court for not paying bills. They act disconnected from reality. He basically alienated her from her family and friends while they were married. It was an unstable relationship from the start but my mother likes to say that her daughters are married so she encouraged it. This is my sister who generally makes bad choices and always needs rescuing. Add to that delusions of grandeur where she doesnt work but thinks her kids should go to private school and I should pay for it. I have bills of my own. I could give her the money but I am terrified it will only escalate. I didn't even ask her why she left her husband or where she is staying. I just didn't want to get involved. Worse with her husband staking out my apartment. I haven't seen these people in 3 years!!! What should I do?
  6. Thanks Holly J. And thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. I was feeling really low this morning and you all have been helpful. I dobelong ti some cubs but I stopped going when things started getting rough. Maybe that was a mistake. I will take your suggestions and see which ones will work best with my schedule. I am going to spend a little money on myself this weekend and spend some time reflecting. I have to get ready for a meeting so I will be away from the computer for a while.
  7. Thanks. You all have made me feel so much better. I do need to figure out how to introduce self care into my day. I think you hit the nail on the head. I need to shut people down when they bring the negativity. Or at the very least to cut it short so that it doesn't last hours. I can't tell the last time I got my nails done.
  8. Maybe that is on me. I don't like to complain about my problems. It doesn't make me feel better and doesn't fix the problem. So I just end up listening to people go on and on about everything that bothers them till it becomes a habit I guess. Then when I finally have an issue there's nobody to listen because they're so used to talking about themselves. When I don't complain people just assume that i don't have any problems. Or they like to do the thing where they are convinced that their problems are bigger than your problems and that is a competition I don't want to win.
  9. I didn't realise I had slipped into so much self pity. I guess this is a good reason to talk things over with people. I only have one friend who I could do the walk and talk thing. Maybe I can join the running club that she is in. I know I control my life. I've just been feeling so overwhelmed stressed and sad.
  10. Yes, I'll continue with the business. I've invested some energy and money into rebranding which I think is already paying off. The last two months were the first time in over a year that I have been in the black. I finally have a little money in savings and I am terrified to touch it. The friendships all started off fine. I'm not sure when the shift takes place or what to do about it. Losing them isn't helpful. The problem is me. In some way I have invited this inconsiderate behaviour and I don't know when or how.
  11. Alot of things, The market shifted so that there is an oversupply of products which depressed prices. Its affecting everyone in retail. I worked along with two other persons who bowed out of business last year so we actually performed a redundancy exercise which was financially and emotionally taxing. Two new partners were to come on board but they did not meet their financial obligations or expectations and eventually they just left. The two of us who remained had to make up the difference. So that my costs have skyrocketed and income is down. As to playing therapist to all my friends, I don't know how to be anything else. Right now I only feel alone. If I cut everyone off I will be actually alone. Those are two entirely different things
  12. Iused to do yoga a few years ago but then I had a shoulder injury and downward dog was a painful experience. I strained my rotator cuff so it was painful to sleep or put on clothes or drive. i think it is ok now so maybe I will go back to that. That is a helpful suggestion. Thanks
  13. I don't mind helping people. More often than not I am happy to help if I can. That is why I attract and am attracted to these people. If I wasn't going through so much financial stress I wouldn't be bothered. Right now my cup is full of challenges. I've barely been meeting my obligations. Otherwise I would have just gone to a yoga class or something destressing. I injured myself because my footwear was old.I just bought new sneakers last month. I don't even know where to begin looking for a new therapist. They aren't that common where I live. So I guess instead I am talking to the good people on the internet
  14. I tried keto which lasted about a week. Maybe some sort of challenge is a better idea. I can be competitive sometimes. I just need a good group. Maybe something from the internet. I tried it with friends already but they don't have a weight problem and even less commitment than me. i have a serious problem which I need to control
  15. Be careful with major decisions like this. I am sure you did not move interstate on a whim. The fear and hope were based on something. Missing your son is natural. He is also 16 years old so in a while he will move away from you. He will (hopefully) make a life of his own where you won't see him everyday. He has the strength and resilience to do what is right for him. He moved back home to finish school. Perhaps you should be inspired by him. If the right decision is to go home then do it without fearing criticism. If it is the wrong move for you then you need to be strong and stay where you are.
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