Can there be too much similarity? Or is it just “the one”?

[Karhu]

I have been wondering if it is possible that someone is too much like you then is that a good thing or a bad thing?

 

I met a nice girl, so far been on 5 dates in 2.5 weeks that I’ve known her.

The funny thing her personality is EXACLY the same as me in every single respect.

 

We are both ENTP (search Myer Briggs on the internet). both adventurers(engram), We both see the world in the same way, both are optimistic extraverts, both see spirituality in the same light, both like to independently investigate truth instead of taking it as face value, both courteous & polite, both generous, both are like cats when it comes to affection (purr, scratch me under the chin), both like a lot of exercise and healthy food, both have nearly identical childhood experiences, both have been in similar style of social groups, both love traveling and seeing the world, both value equality of men and woman etc , both have similar parents, her brother is just like my sister, she has the same occupation as my mother, both are entrepreneurs, both like strategy games (her favorite is chess, I think that’ll change once I teach her Go), both are creative inventors, both like dancing and skiing. The list goes on and on.

 

Actually I can’t think of a single thing that is different about us (besides what’s between the legs). I’ve heard that it’s sometimes good to have some differences from your partner, and if you are exactly the same then people can get bored of each other etc. apparently it is good to have someone slightly different that will complement your characteristics.

 

Has anyone ever had problems because their partner was too similar?

i don't know how we handle disagreements as it's too early in the relationship and we haven't had a single topic that we've differed on, i guess how people can cope with inevitable differences and fights really effects the long term perspective of a relationship.

 

Is there such thing as being too similar? Or is this a match made in heaven?

 

While cuddling last night she said that she sees me as a mirror of her own soul and can grow from reflecting off me.

That sounds very deep to me. She’s already made several similar comments in only the last 2.5 weeks that I’ve known her. I guess this is around the stage then people express all their emotions and where people make decisions if dating will turn into BF/GF etc.

 

I have to admit I feel more comfortable around her than anyone I’ve ever been with.

But I also know this is just the honeymoon stage of a relationship, so who knows what happens down the track. I just like making some predictions, if there is anything I need to keep my eyes open for to steer things in the right direction.

 

I know this is just the honeymoon stage of a relationship, in the end a relationships success largely depends on people’s communications and how they deal with conflicts. As it’s only the honeymoon stage and we are so similar we haven’t had any conflicts yet, so I’ve got nothing to judge our conflict resolving capability until something comes up.

 

What is everyone else’s experiences? Has anyone ever had problems because their partner was too similar? Or is this just a match made in heaven?

 

Well, I guess I’ll go with the flow and keep seeing her as long as we enjoy it.

[shes2smart]

It's been my experience that the more things I have in common with an SO, the smoother the relationship goes over the long haul.

 

My husband and I think very much alike and we find the same things funny. Those two things alone have made it possible for us to navigate through some tough situations without having any knock-down, drag-out fights.

 

There's an old saying that opposites attract. In practice, they might attract initially, but getting opposites to stick together over the long haul takes a lot of effort and can be difficult.

 

Personally, I'm much happier with the "male version of me" that I married.

[Batya33]

it sounds like you are focusing too much on psychobabble, psychological tests and you've owned pairs of socks longer than you've been dating her - far longer. You haven't taken the time to focus on what makes her unique - but reduced her to a series of pyschological cliches. Not a huge spark builder - that's the problem, not whether you are too much alike.

 

If you're bored, that's fine - no need for psychological "analysis" - just stop dating her - but if you're simply overthinking instead of having fun getting to know her, give it at least another month - another 5-7 dates and just see how you feel around her - inspired? intrigued? does she make you laugh? or are you bored? It doesn't matter if everyone advises that opposites attract, or don't - you have to figure it out for yourself.

 

As far as what she said - While cuddling last night she said that she sees me as a mirror of her own soul and can grow from reflecting off me. - sure that could be "deep" or it could be her falling in love with love and repeating something she read in a book. To me depth comes from knowing each other intimately over a period of time - far more deep if she points out something specific about your day and you feel the depth of her caring (based in part on a good amount of time together) then whether she can spout timeworn cliches about "soulmates."

 

Be careful about equating expressing deep thoughts about soulmates with knowing and liking the real person. Not saying she didn't mean it - -- but I wouldn't put too much weight on that as far as deciding that she is a "deep" person. Figure out - aside from all the psychological and "deep" talk whether day to day you click with this person over a period of at least 6 to 9 months - when this honeymoon phase fades and whether she will understand and relate to how you're feeling when you experience daily life - which typically has little to do with the reflections of souls.

[Karhu]

 

If you're bored, that's fine - no need for psychological "analysis" - just stop dating

 

 

I never once said I was bored. I actually said I’m really into her “I have to admit I feel more comfortable around her than anyone I’ve ever been with.”

 

Yes I am writing a lot about psychological analysis, that’s just me (ENTP). Maybe I’m analyzing it so much because it’s fun (and she’s in my head all the time so why not talk about it in the forumn).

 

I know that I barely know her, and it’s WAY too soon to get any real understanding. Although I know that in the past when looking back at relationships that have failed the signs have quite often faintly been visible at the very start. And not really taking much notice of the signs at the start, and over time small things become nagging issues which ultimately cause large problems. So I think you can still get quite good hints even during the honeymoon phase, you just have to look a bit deeper past the tinted glasses.

 

Yes the truith will come out in a couple of months. And I know I have to be patient as it takes time to really understand someone (even if it feels like you already understand them from eternity).

 

I guess I’m just curious about other people who have dated someone that is so similar to them, and how their similarity/differences affected the relationship past the honeymoon phase?

[Batya33]

I find it more comfortable as you do -- but the opposites attract type relationships were often a real eye opener for me, thrilling, stretched my perspective, etc.

 

I understand that you're not bored - but I would respectfully suggest - lovely to think about her - but think about her - what makes her unique, special, intriguing, inspiring, instead of trying to analyze her or put her into little psychological boxes -why not leave that for your studies, or a hobby or for analyzing your parents or childhood so that you don't snuff the life out of the relationship and miss the deligthful details in favor of the psychobabble?

[grendel]

Some people unintentionally "mirror" the qualities they find in another person so there is also the possibility that she really isn't *that* much like you (or wasn't, before she met you). I had a friend once who seemed very much like me but I came to find she acts that way with everyone, playing up any similarities and becoming interested in whatever they are interested in... She turned out to be pretty unstable and wound up hating me in the end... It's early in your relationship yet so it's not certain whether you will truly be compatible in the long run. I don't think there's anything wrong with a partner being very similar to you. I would just try not to assume too much at this stage, because you don't know how things will work out as you spend more time together.

[answersguy]

Maybe you have a sister that your mom never told you about actually go with what Grendel said. Give it a couple of months and some of the similarities will ware off. I was with a girl before who would mirror my oppinion on everything, years later, she told me that she was hoping to adopt my views in order to keep me... She told me at that point that she didn't really want kids which was a deal breaker for me. Probably a differant situation but it's soemthing to think about.

[shes2smart]

but the opposites attract type relationships were often a real eye opener for me, thrilling, stretched my perspective, etc.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with this. The relationships I had with people who were very different from me provided a lot of lessons and offered glimpses into different ways of seeing and approaching life.

 

The theme of a lot of those lessons had to do with what didn't work for me in a relationship, though. Since I believe I wouldn't have learned any other way than from those individuals in those relationships, I certainly don't regret any of those involvements.

 

However, when I was ready for a long-term marriage partner, the more similarities, the better.

[Karhu]

Some people unintentionally "mirror" the qualities they find in another person so there is also the possibility that she really isn't *that* much like you (or wasn't, before she met you).

 

yes, I’m wary about people mirroring others. And I hope that is not happening here. i guess is sometimes happens on a conscious and unconscious level.

 

The thing is that it goes both ways, she’d start talking about something that I’d never previously mentioned, stating her philosophy, and it would be as if she had somehow read my mind. Now I haven’t hinted my stance on those topics before so she couldn’t have been mirroring me then.

 

She also once made a comment that she was wary of people mirroring her to “get their way” as I think that might have happened to her in the past. But then said that she knew I wasn’t mirroring her as I would say philosophies that she hadn’t talked about, but was exactly how she saw it.

 

How can she be mirroring me on the topics that she starts talking about but we hadn’t previously talked about together?

 

Her initial reaction/concern about our similarities was that I was possibly actually mirroring her(I think she’s experienced someone mirroring her) , but then relaxed a lot more when I would just talk openly about all my philosophies(the first time we talked about those topics) and it was exactly the way she saw the world. She then said that she knew I was different as I obviously wasn’t mirroring her when she hadn’t previously stated her opinion on that topic.

 

So it seems like both of us had this concern that we were being mirrored, but we both talked openly and stated our opinions for the first time with no prior knowledge from the other, and found it to be matching. So at least half of the issues I know she can’t have mirrored me on, and the other half of the topics she knows I can’t have mirrored her.

 

How could she mirror me and know all my opinions before I even open my mouth? I know! I figured it all out, either she’s a spectacular psychic, or an incredible researcher and stalker to find out how I think before ever meeting me.

[Alezia]

Hi,

 

I dated someone who was exactly like me. At first it was really fun, but 2 years into the relationship I got really bored =) I guess it goes both ways.. I realized we were most suited as friends... relationships are fun when one can complement (sp?) the other.... We never had one single disagrement or fight because we always had the same perspective.. it really is freaky, trust me!

[Karhu]

I wholeheartedly agree with this. The relationships I had with people who were very different from me provided a lot of lessons and offered glimpses into different ways of seeing and approaching life.

 

The theme of a lot of those lessons had to do with what didn't work for me in a relationship, though. Since I believe I wouldn't have learned any other way than from those individuals in those relationships, I certainly don't regret any of those involvements.

 

However, when I was ready for a long-term marriage partner, the more similarities, the better.

 

oh yes, and i have also learnt many lessons from previous relationships.

 

Such as

My previous 2 ex’s were both strong introvert, pessimist, isolator, and advert to affection.

While I’m a strong optimist, extravert, bonder, and strive for affection. (just like this new girl)

 

I found these characteristics had a huge negative affect on my previous relationships.

-I always wanted to be energetic and extraverted, and my previous ex’s wanted to withdraw.

-I liked to see on the bright side, my previous ex’s tried to bring me down, and my optimism was sometimes even too much for them

-I need a certain minimum dosage of affection to stay operating, my previous ex’s had a maximum affection threshold, and would prefer no affection if they have something on their mind.

-I am a bonder, when I feel emotionally stresses in a relationship, I like to pull closer, and I’ll feel all better with just a little affection. My previous ex’s were isolators, they withdraw when there are problems, and if I try to invade their isolated cave then they’d just withdraw even more.

 

Both my previous 2 ex’s were very similar to each other, and exact opposite to me, and I found especially these differences in characteristics made it very hard. (actually i wonder if the second ex was only simply a replacement of the first)

 

 

In a way I think that’s also why it’s such a relief to suddenly have the opposite of my ex’s and the same as me, a extravert, optimist, affectionate, bonder. After all the previous bad experiences it is nice to finally be around someone that is happy and will soak up and return all my affection.

[Leonhart]

ENTPs, huh? I don't think I know anyone who is one.

 

Anyway, I remember going out with a girl who said she was an INFP. Same as myself. Well, we got along great - we met online - it didn't over so well in person though. I wasn't at all attracted to her, so no second date. It was kind of sad too, because we thought so much alike.

 

I guess it goes to show that there is so much more involved in romance than just having the same MBTI. lol Attraction, goals, dreams, attitudes and chemistry all factor in. That said, after 3 weeks, how can anyone know if they've found the right person, short of God Himself telling you?

[EvaGina]

 

GOOD ON YA!!

Its fine, its great, its brilliant!!

[Karhu]

ENTPs, huh? I don't think I know anyone who is one.

 

Anyway, I remember going out with a girl who said she was an INFP. Same as myself. Well, we got along great - we met online - it didn't over so well in person though. I wasn't at all attracted to her, so no second date. It was kind of sad too, because we thought so much alike.

 

I guess it goes to show that there is so much more involved in romance than just having the same MBTI. lol Attraction, goals, dreams, attitudes and chemistry all factor in. That said, after 3 weeks, how can anyone know if they've found the right person, short of God Himself telling you?

 

 

ENTP is actually one of the more rare personality types. About 1.5%-2% of the population is ENTP.

 

So the chances of two ENTP meeting are actually statistically quite slim. And the chances of two optimistic, affectionate, good communicator, spiritual, traveler, ENTP meeting are incredibly slim. Of course these are characteristics, nothing to do with a couple clicking and being right for each other.

 

Every person is unique and there is no person exactly the same as someone else.

 

Uniqueness is actually a great thing, a bird can not fly with two right wings. But with a left and right wing they can support each other in unison and fly.

 

I’m sure I’ll find many more differences with her over time. And develop uniqueness, and unity in diversity.

 

Maybe it’s good if people have a similar general outlook on life, operate on a similar wavelength. While remaining unique and individual to generate their own perspectives. With one eye you only see a 2D world, with two eyes working in harmony the differences provide information to generate a 3D perception.

 

Everyone sees the same object differently. There is no right and wrong perspectives, just different angles. I think the main key is having excellent communication, and openly and honestly combine understandings from the different perspectives in a spirit of harmony and combined searching for truth.

[Batya33]

As far as your last sentence, what you're really saying is that the two people have to click, right? I ask because it sounds in your posts like you are superimposing "big" words on age old ideas, and I'm not sure why you would feel the need to do that with respect to this new relationship. I am sure many people who have similar outlooks and common interests meet and start dating and go out a few times, hoping there is potential for a relationship. My concern with you is that you are using all these "concepts" and "theories" to describe what is really very commonplace and simple - particularly after less than a month of dating - and that you might get too caught up in these "concepts" and million dollar words from poetry and psychology and not focus enough on just having fun and getting to know someone you click with.

[Karhu]

As far as your last sentence, what you're really saying is that the two people have to click, right?

 

Everyone sees the same object differently. There is no right and wrong perspectives, just different angles. I think the main key is having excellent communication, and openly and honestly combine understandings from the different perspectives in a spirit of harmony and combined searching for truth.

 

 

Actually the last sentence from my previous post is saying that I think it's advantageous if people see things slightly differently, as it gives different perspectives/understandings, and that good communication is essential in order to understand and respect the extra insights that the other partner adds to the relationship instead of getting frustrated from the differences.

 

Does that make sense?

[Batya33]

Actually the last sentence from my previous post is saying that I think it's advantageous if people see things slightly differently, as it gives different perspectives/understandings, and that good communication is essential in order to understand and respect the extra insights that the other partner adds to the relationship instead of getting frustrated from the differences.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Well yes but there seem to be a lot of extra words and I'm not sure why you chose to put it that way. Seems to me that you are simply saying that differences can work well in a relationship as long as both people play nicely in the sandbox.

 

My "issue" is - and forgive me if I shouldn't be sharing this - that from the way you write -- it's as if you believe you've discovered something new about the age old "opposites attract" and about how it's important to listen and communicate. It seems you feel the need to express that using lots of words and lots of psychological terms -- my point above was that if you allow yourself to get so bogged down in that type of verbage you might forget that new relationships are simply about spending time together and getting to know each other and the psychological analysis and psychological acronyms and wordiness to express simple, age-old ideas can distract and make it seem far more complicated than it is.

[Karhu]

Batya, My apologies if I’ve used too many big words for you.

 

This is the vocabulary I normally use when writing and philosophizing with friends.

 

I know the age old saying "opposites attract", and “commonalities with the SO makes the relationship go smoother”

 

It’s sometimes fun to discuss these age old topics on a deeper level, asking why? And what factors influence it? Etc.

 

And thinking about the meanings behind things does not subtract from the experience and the passion of the moment.

[Batya33]

Ahh - well that is where we part company. I understand the big words quite well -- but to me they have no link to being "deeper" as you put it. Indeed, I find the simplest of words and crisp, brief sentences to be far deeper because they are designed to be read rather than designed mostly to reflect the writer's command of a certain level of vocabulary and the writer's attempt to be "deep." Or, consider the way very young children write about or speak about love, philosphy, etc - in my experience what they have to say is very deep and profound precisely because it is expressed simply with no concern about whether it "sounds" intelligent or deep.

I don't mean to insult or offend you - seems to me you have the best of intentions and honestly believe that using the words you do increases the depth of the concept. I just, very respectfully, disagree!

[cpc28655]

A female version of me!?!?!?! That actually scares me, lmao.

[Altruist]

The quacky psychoanalysis doesn't usually ring true in real life.

[Karhu]

The quacky psychoanalysis doesn't usually ring true in real life.

 

Exactly, it is not like a mathematical formula, X+Y=Z etc. human interactions are a lot more fuzzy, everyone will react to your actions differently. But still there is some sort of cause and effect behind human interactions.

 

There are underlying principles behind people in general, if you read these forums you’ll see recurring messages (like don’t be too needy and call every day, trust your SO, don’t get jealous, show your interest, read body language etc). Now naturally there are exceptions to these guidelines, each person is different, one person might like more attention, and one person might get frustrated by too much attention etc. so then there are a lot more character specific traits. So taking it one step further you can start to see characteristics in individuals then you can see what turns them on and turns them off.

 

So then it’s important to get to know the other person on a deep level, and develop an intuition about what they like and dislike, and treat them well the way they would like to be treated.

 

No, I don’t expect all this to 100% “ring true” it is especially hard early on as you only have a partial understanding of the other person. but still from the information you have you can get a fairly good idea about a persons personality, and then have more understanding of the cause and effect. This allows for easier steering of interactions into a positive direction.

 

In the end the “quacky psychoanalysis” should be taken as a grain of salt, not a hard rule that one thing must mean something else. Hopefully just providing some insights into the other persons personality, which can add to all the other information you know about them to build up a better intuition. In the end it’s best to just go with the flow, go with the moment, and using well-informed intuition to provide clarity to your judgments.

 

 

P.S. these are just some thoughts in my head, I’m not saying they’re hard fact or anything, I’m expressing them here because I am interested in hearing other peoples opinions/perspectives on these issues. The language/analogies used is intended to be precise about what I’m saying by using specific words. Words alone does not give more meaning to text, but sometimes larger words are required to be specific (even though I didn’t think I was using especially challenging language in these posts).

[Zaphod]

Sometimes you can "clash" if too similar in too many ways.

[DN]

Moderator Note: Please stay on-topic.

[Karhu]

I don’t know what just happened, anyway, back to the topic.

 

Obviously there are positive and negative aspects to people’s similarities/differences.

 

we’ve had some good contributions to this topic, summarizing:

 

Simply opposutes attract:

I find it more comfortable as you do -- but the opposites attract type relationships were often a real eye opener for me, thrilling, stretched my perspective, etc.

 

however can cause troubles, which provide invaluable learning lessons:

The relationships I had with people who were very different from me provided a lot of lessons and offered glimpses into different ways of seeing and approaching life.

 

The theme of a lot of those lessons had to do with what didn't work for me in a relationship, though.

 

However, when I was ready for a long-term marriage partner, the more similarities, the better.

oh yes, and i have also learnt many lessons from previous relationships.

 

Both my previous 2 ex’s were very similar to each other, and exact opposite to me, and I found especially these differences in characteristics made it very hard.

 

And similarities can make it smoother:

It's been my experience that the more things I have in common with an SO, the smoother the relationship goes over the long haul.

I have to admit I feel more comfortable around her than anyone I’ve ever been with.

 

 

Although too much similarities can make it boring:

I dated someone who was exactly like me. At first it was really fun, but 2 years into the relationship I got really bored =)

A female version of me!?!?!?! That actually scares me, lmao.

Sometimes you can "clash" if too similar in too many ways.

 

 

 

Naturally in the end it is all about how people click.

 

In the end I feel it’s good to have some aspects similar and some aspects that are different.

 

So that leads to the question of what aspects about a person is it good to have similar and what aspects are best to have differences in?

 

from learning lessons I’ve found that certain aspects it is good to have similarities in, e.g.:

-values/morals

-affection level/sex drive

-stage in life (age is irrelevant, more about being on the same mental level)

-optimism/pessimism?

-willingness to communicate

-cleanliness

 

I think these aspects are generally best (but not essential) to be similar to make it smoother, eg being on the same sexual wavelength can save a lot of frustration.

 

Then there is obviously some need for some differences to keep it interesting. You want a bit of lively discussion from different opinions. Maybe on smaller matters where it is ok to accept that you both have a different opinion so it doesn’t blow up to into a big thing.

This seems to come down to different views on topics to stimulate the mind. Like how two people can see something quite different in a piece of artwork, and so each person opens the other persons eyes to new ways of looking at it.