Fiancé and I Have an Otherwise Great Relationship and We Fight Every Week

[JustPassingThrough]

My fiancé (30F) and I (31M) have a great relationship.  We started dating in mid-2022, got serious quite quickly, and everything since has been awesome -- I enjoy everything we do together -- even small little household tasks -- we love each other's friends and family (mostly), and I can't imagine life without her.  We share tons of interests, have the same values and desires related to religion, children, and other key elements.  My background was a bit different from hers -- this is my first serious relationship while she has had several -- and I honestly didn't think I could love someone else as much as I do her.  Unfortunately, we've been having very consistent, basically weekly, patterns of massive fights all related to one topic: my mom.  

My background has definitely contributed to this: only child, parents still married but don't love each other and fight all the time (and did throughout my childhood).  Both of my parents care more about me than they do about each other, and they often times come to me with their problems.  I have always felt a sense of obligation to see them regularly, which I've learned lately is bad, but I also do value seeing my parents often from my own wants.  Spending my 20s essentially as single the whole time, I made the problem worse by maintaining a close relationship with them -- seeing them for dinner weekly, moving back in for a year while on a house search, and regularly going on vacations with one or both of them.

I won't divulge a whole lot from her background, but I will say she had siblings, there was and is a bit of "conditional love" in play with her parents, and there are reasons for me to believe she has a big fear of abandonment.

We really didn't fight at all until this last summer, when some boundary issues came up with my mom that I was previously oblivious to.  A few examples being giving her sister a tour of our house and telling us afterwards (I actually did find issue with this one immediately), telling us when she was stopping by to drop something off instead of asking if she could, altering plans to have our dog go with her and my cousin to our cabin for a weekend as opposed to at the cousin's house, etc.  I didn't see some of these issues at first, but I did address each one with my mom and started setting boundaries, though my fiancé would have preferred for me to come down much harder and more direct.  Regardless, no boundaries that we set have been violated again after setting them. 

Her main thing is she thinks I prioritize my mom over her, which to me is totally wrong and not the case at all considering how much I think about her and do for her.  I do try to say that I still want to see my parents often because I value being close with them, which seems to come off sometimes like I am loyal to them over her.

Recently though, we've gotten into large fights over things that I simply just disagree with.  A few examples: sending our flight number on a recent trip for peace of mind, setting boundaries about how my parents can use their cabin while we are up there visiting, and calling her bridal shower simply a "shower."  Last night, we had another big fight: we had agreed that neither of our parents would have access to the guest list or table assignments for the wedding, but my mom came to me twice on Sunday with two different people who had reached out to her about our wedding.  Her family member was wondering if he Save The Date went to the wrong address (it did) and her friend was wondering if their kids received invitations (they did not).  I responded to each, my my fiancé is now upset that I didn't tell her not to be soliciting questions on our behalf and is upset that I think my parents should have the ability to ask if someone did or did not receive an invite.  I simply disagree -- I think parents have a need and a right to know that info if they ask.

We're seeing a couple's counselor to sort this out, which helps somewhat, but it almost seems like discussing when she isn't actively angry doesn't accomplish a whole lot, because we agree on a lot when things are calm.  My frustration is that I don't like fighting, I honestly don't trigger the fights that occur, and I rarely raise my voice.  She gets angry to the point of making personal insults, threatening to leave, slamming doors to the point of breaking them, and most concerningly, throwing a wine glass near where I was standing.  It's painful as hell.

I don't even know what I'm asking for now that I've written this massive post -- maybe simply advice or thoughts on how to proceed forward?  Is there more stuff from my past causing this that I am oblivious to?  Do I need to communicate better?

[Seraphim]

Dude walk away now. Seriously, personal insults, breaking doors, and glassware is abusive. Straight up abusive . You need to leave this relationship. Period. 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, JustPassingThrough said:

  We started dating in mid-2022, got serious quite quickly, and everything since has been awesome - We're seeing a couple's counselor to sort this out,  She gets angry to the point of making personal insults, threatening to leave, slamming doors to the point of breaking them, and most concerningly, throwing a wine glass near where 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you lived together?Do you co-own your house? 

What exactly do you mean by "got serious quickly"? 

Unfortunately your relationship doesn't sound "awesome" . It seems to be fraught with chronic conflict.

Please tell the couples counselor about the insults, breaking things and violent fighting. 

[JustPassingThrough]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you lived together? What exactly do you mean by "got serious quickly"? 

Do you co-own your house? 

Unfortunately your relationship doesn't sound "awesome" . It seems to be fraught with chronic conflict.

Please tell the couples counselor about the insults, breaking things and violent fighting. 

Yeah, it does sound absolutely crazy to call it "awesome."  Idk -- 6 out of every 7 days are amazing, talking about the future, she'll talk about how she overreacts to my mom.  Lots of laughs and good times.  To everyone else, we are a picture-perfect couple.

She moved in 10 months ago.  I own the house.  In terms of starting things quickly, within a month of our first date, we had met each other's families and were spending at least 6 nights a week together.

[smackie9]

Sorry but you need to send your fiancé to the curb. Marriage is a serious step and parents are part of the package deal right? So if she can't cherish your parents like you do, and accept your relationship with them, then it's been over since the summer. It's been 8 months now of this fighting?? this relationship is done. 

[Andrina]

Marriage should not be happening when such egregious oppositions in points of view on the topic of your parents exist between you and your fiancee. Marriage should also not happen when a partner is verbally and physically abusive. She knows you haven't dumped her yet when she's behaved in this manner. Believe it when I say the wine glass "near" you was a test. You didn't walk away for that. The next time don't be surprised when she actually hits you with an object. There is very often escalation from abusers. You've been warned.

Her behavior should be dealbreaker behavior for any person with a healthy self-worth. That's lacking in you, and you are reasoning that the good times should outweigh the bad. That's never the case when the bad involves abusive behavior.

Doesn't matter if money's been spent on invitations, deposits, etc. Nor that there will be embarrassment because of a cancelled wedding. It's going to be a lot more money when a divorce happens and numerous legal fees are owed, plus child support payments.

As for you, whatever the case might be, if you exit this relationship or sever ties, for your own good and for any future relationship, please read some books on setting  boundaries with people and upholding them. Perhaps you've made some progress, but you could likely benefit from more skilled advice.

I know I wouldn't be happy with a weekly family meal, either with my own family or in-laws. Even with my mother and mother-in-law now being deceased, I wouldn't have changed the way we did things in the past. Meeting for special meals due to birthdays and holidays, and of course occasional visits that were not part of being regularly set in stone. Many women will not be happy with your arrangement, so if you won't budge from that, then your pool of willing partners will be smaller. Just make sure they know this when you start dating so you don't waste anyone's time.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Batya33]

For more info -when she threw the wine glass was she also drunk? I am married to an only child.  We have an only child.  My inlaws passed away in the last 7-11 years.  I miss them.  I got frustrated at times with lack of boundaries/poor boundaries but I also - knew the deal from early on and I took good with the bad -meaning ok frustrating boundaries but I mean his parents adored him, adored me, adored us together, loved their grandson.  I share this because I can relate - rang true for me in some ways. But isn't this marriage- long term relationships - you decide if you accept the package deal!  She does not.

Also -relatedly -she sounds like a bridezilla and sounds like she's planning more for the wedding reception than the marriage and I think her demands about the wedding are rather harsh and draconian.  They are at least honored guests at the wedding - your folks - and -are the parents paying? Also completely absurd to get mad about sending them a flight number - of course it's ok if they want to make sure you landed safely and this way they don't have to call you to check, etc. She's gone overboard - likely because she never accepted how close you are to them.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Andrina said:

know I wouldn't be happy with a weekly family meal, either with my own family or in-laws. Even with my mother and mother-in-law now being deceased, I wouldn't have changed the way we did things in the past. Meeting for special meals due to birthdays and holidays, and of course occasional visits that were not part of being regularly set in stone. Many women will not be happy with your arrangement, so if you won't budge from that, then your pool of willing partners will be smaller.

I agree with how this is put.  Consider instead flexibility -not a weekly meal set in stone -that's a lot! - but yes to special occasions plus of course if there is a specific reason to meet - something to discuss in person and it's not a regular on the calendar thing I'd hope most partners/spouses would be ok with that.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, JustPassingThrough said:

we love each other's friends and family (mostly), and I can't imagine life without her.  We share tons of interests, have the same values and desires related to religion, children, and other key elements. 

OK, but you do understand that she isnt suppose to yell insults at you and try to actively physically scar you for life with throwing glass objects at you? You do understand that?

I am asking because its your first serious relationship. People without too much relationship experience sometimes think that is how relationship works. You know, you spend time together, all is good but sometimes other side gets mad at you. So you let that kind of behavior slide for the sake of relationship. While its true that you do sometimes should let some things slide, it isnt suppose to escalate to the point she insults you and throws stuff at you to hurt you. That is abusive relationship. In fact, if I would bet, I would say she got used to that kind of behavior. Meaning to get what she wants even if she has to yell and throws objects. You just didnt see that before because

a) you are not very long together and people are at their best behavior at the start of relationship

b) she is only now showing her true colors

Cancel the wedding and get out of there. She would probably beg you not too and how she "loves you", but if you continue with this, you will sign yourself to years of domestic abuse. You can do better then this.

Also, who is paying for "Bridezilla" wedding? You? Or she contributes also? Because again if I have to bet I would bet she doesnt contribute nearly as much as you. In your home nore for the wedding.

[boltnrun]

If you marry her when she's acting like this you are giving her approval to not only continue but to escalate. 

May I ask, when she behaves like that do you try to calm her down by telling her you love her?

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, JustPassingThrough said:

 To everyone else, we are a picture-perfect couple.

To everyone else maybe, but to you it sounds like hell on earth.  OP, she is full-on abusive and you really should take heed.  You're only ten months in and she's giving you a little taste of her true self.  This will not get better over time - in fact, it will escalate, especially as she has already seen that you simply put up with her abuse.  You show her that you allow this bad behavior and abuse.

You should discuss the true issues with your couples counselor. ALL of it. Lay the facts out on the table.  If you both just sit there giving the impression that it's all super happy, then you won't get the help you need.  Going by your description, this relationship does not sound great in any way.

OP, please see the red warning flags waving in your face.  The writing is on the wall as to what your future looks like with her.  A good start would be to cancel all wedding plans until ALL issues have been resolved (if that's even possible).  Really time to re-think this relationship.

[Coily]

The direction of this relationship is very very dark.

• She is trying to isolate you for your family
• She doesn't think twice about hurling objects at you
• verbal abuse
• controlling YOUR language

I'll put it this way a friend of mine had a common law wife who started out like this, things kept escalating over time. He spent very little time not tied to her hip, he thought it was normal. Years later, after she shot him; did he discover how unhealthy his situation was, and how abused he had been.

[LootieTootie]

Ok, so, it's not even her house and she is upset at your mom for showing your house to your aunt. Wow the entitlement here.

I have to commend you for drawing out some boundaries with her. However, it seems that she is not respecting your boundaries if the same fights keep happening.

Relationship is a 2 way street and it sounds like when you guys get into fights, she fights dirty. Please do not think this will somehow change overnight... People who are abusive do not change overnight - most actually get worse the longer you are with them.

It's good that she is going to counseling with you, and I am interested to know have you told your counselor about your fights? About her throwing a wine bottle *near* you ? Which one day, will probably be at you.

 

 

 

[Capricorn3]

4 hours ago, JustPassingThrough said:

We're seeing a couple's counselor to sort this out, which helps somewhat, but it almost seems like discussing when she isn't actively angry doesn't accomplish a whole lot, because we agree on a lot when things are calm.  My frustration is that I don't like fighting, I honestly don't trigger the fights that occur, and I rarely raise my voice.  She gets angry to the point of making personal insults, threatening to leave, slamming doors to the point of breaking them, and most concerningly, throwing a wine glass near where I was standing.  It's painful as hell.

^ THIS is what your counselor needs to hear.

[Tinydance]

Only child here with barely any family so I totally relate to you and totally get it how your family dynamics are. I seem to have missed the part where she threw and smashed a glass at you. It doesn't matter about literally anything else you wrote. Violence and aggression is NOT OK! Even if she was drunk or something - so what! Many people drink and they don't break objects or furniture or physically hurt anyone. This is abuse.

I think in a relationship what's really important is empathy and compromise. Everyone's life is different and we all grew up differently so it's important to understand how your partner was brought up and what family means to them.

For example in my case, I moved to Australia from another country as a child with only my mother and father. But my father never took hardly any interest in me and we weren't close at all. However my Mum was always there for me unconditionally and though she's overprotective but I'm really close with her. Even overseas we have like two family members and that's all. My Dad recently died and my Mum was with him for 43 years. She has only a small handful of friends and no other kids or family. I catch up with her once a week and that is a regular thing that I always intend to do if I can. She has nobody but me really and that's a fact. If she had a huge amount of friends, other family members and other kids then maybe I'd only catch up with her once a fortnight or something. So the my partner has to get this or I simply can't be with them because I WILL NOT abandon my mother.

I think there are healthy and unhealthy ways to be close to your family and in all honesty yours sounds fine. If you still lived with your parents and went out for dinner with them every night or something that's too much. But if you're an only child and you're really close then catching up once a week or messaging every day or every couple of days is fine. Putting your mother before your fiancee would be if you have a date planned and all of a sudden your mother called and you're changing your plans to going for dinner with your mother. Simply making plans with your mother in advance once a week or fortnight isn't putting her above your partner. You are allowed to catch up with your family or friends sometimes too. 

I also hate it when people just show up unannounced. But if your mother has been asked to respect this boundary and she actually is respecting it, then the issue was resolved. Yes your parents are allowed to ask about invitations if it's a relative, e.g. their brother or sister, hence your Aunt or Uncle. Your fiancee if I'll be honest sounds very controlling and narcissistic. It seems she wants to he the one in control of everything and to the extent that it's not normal. It's actually your wedding as well so why is she running the whole show?

To be honest she sounds like what you'd call an abuser who is trying to isolate you from loved ones for no actual reason.

[Tinydance]

4 hours ago, Andrina said:

Marriage should not be happening when such egregious oppositions in points of view on the topic of your parents exist between you and your fiancee. Marriage should also not happen when a partner is verbally and physically abusive. She knows you haven't dumped her yet when she's behaved in this manner. Believe it when I say the wine glass "near" you was a test. You didn't walk away for that. The next time don't be surprised when she actually hits you with an object. There is very often escalation from abusers. You've been warned.

Her behavior should be dealbreaker behavior for any person with a healthy self-worth. That's lacking in you, and you are reasoning that the good times should outweigh the bad. That's never the case when the bad involves abusive behavior.

Doesn't matter if money's been spent on invitations, deposits, etc. Nor that there will be embarrassment because of a cancelled wedding. It's going to be a lot more money when a divorce happens and numerous legal fees are owed, plus child support payments.

As for you, whatever the case might be, if you exit this relationship or sever ties, for your own good and for any future relationship, please read some books on setting  boundaries with people and upholding them. Perhaps you've made some progress, but you could likely benefit from more skilled advice.

I know I wouldn't be happy with a weekly family meal, either with my own family or in-laws. Even with my mother and mother-in-law now being deceased, I wouldn't have changed the way we did things in the past. Meeting for special meals due to birthdays and holidays, and of course occasional visits that were not part of being regularly set in stone. Many women will not be happy with your arrangement, so if you won't budge from that, then your pool of willing partners will be smaller. Just make sure they know this when you start dating so you don't waste anyone's time.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I don't really see how it's a problem to meet your family only once a week for a meal? I've had partners where every Thursday was "family night" at the pub but I was invited to it as well. I usually saw my Mum once a week and no person I dated had any problem with it. I just don’t really get it that it's meant to be bad to actually have a relationship with your family as opposed to be distant to them. Like I thought if you're close to your family it's even a sign you know how to build closeness with your own kids?

I mean if for whatever reason people don't like their in-laws, that's fine. They can keep their distance if they're not their favourite people. But I don't think it means their partner can't see their parents once a week or once a fortnight or something.

Like, if someone has a best friend and once a week they catch up for "girly dinner" then why is someone not allowed to meet their mother for a coffee or something? I genuinely don't get this.

There are people who are close to their parents and people who aren't. I don't think it's right or wrong but it just IS. For example my best friend is close to her Dad and sometimes she'd go to the movies or meal with her Dad. But I basically had no relationship with my Dad so I never did that. Doesn't mean someone is doing something wrong but it's just relationship dynamics. If someone isn't a family person or not close  to family that's fine. But you can't blame someone else if they are.

If we're talking about boundaries they have to be "normal" or what is considered normal in that society. So you could say that the mother-in-law can't just show up. But you can't say you can't have a relationship with your mother or they're not allowed to get dinner together.

 

[boltnrun]

My son takes his grandmother to church every Sunday. Then they go out to lunch after. His spouse has zero issue with this. His spouse is certainly not throwing wine glasses at him. 

[catfeeder]

The fact that you have not walked away from this woman’s abuse, which she felt emboldened enough to show you before the wedding, will mean that she will only get worse after the wedding. Her friction about your parents is designed to control you and isolate you from them.

I would get out now, and my heart goes out to you.

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, JustPassingThrough said:

She gets angry to the point of making personal insults, threatening to leave, slamming doors to the point of breaking them, and most concerningly, throwing a wine glass near where I was standing

You would be crazy to marry this woman. 

You need to not only call off the marriage, but also break up with her. Abuse is abuse, no excuses. 

11 hours ago, JustPassingThrough said:

To everyone else, we are a picture-perfect couple.

Probably because you are hiding the truth from them. 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Even if she was drunk or something - so what! Many people drink and they don't break objects or furniture or physically hurt anyone. This is abuse.

To clarify -I agree with you just wanted more info to see if there is also an alcohol problem she has.  If you choose to get drunk you choose the consequences -of course it is abusive.  Many people who are drunk do not get physically aggressive of course but if you choose to get drunk you never know what you might do when under the influence -anyway it mattered to me to see a complete picture of all he is in denial about as far as how awesome things are -"most of the time"

Also I changed my mind -I think it's fine you see your parents for dinner once a week and I think it's also fine if you meet a special person who has good reason to think that's a bit too often - meaning what her life is like as far as scheduling - and perhaps your mother will connect better with a different person -maybe she sees the anger issues your fiancee seems to have.

(I am not an only child -I try to speak with my mom 3-5 times a week and feel perfectly great if it's every day -I call usually - when my son was young and I solo parented a lot I spoke with her and my MIL several times a week. I love talking to my mom but my motivation now is also to check in as she is elderly and lives alone very far away -it's worrisome! My spouse has always liked/loved her and she -him.  He likes how close we are.  I felt uncomfortable at times with how often my spouse saw his parents when we lived in the same city but I compromised a lot.  He is an only child and was very close with them.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

To clarify -I agree with you just wanted more info to see if there is also an alcohol problem she has.  If you choose to get drunk you choose the consequences -of course it is abusive.  Many people who are drunk do not get physically aggressive of course but if you choose to get drunk you never know what you might do when under the influence -anyway it mattered to me to see a complete picture of all he is in denial about as far as how awesome things are -"most of the time"

Also I changed my mind -I think it's fine you see your parents for dinner once a week and I think it's also fine if you meet a special person who has good reason to think that's a bit too often - meaning what her life is like as far as scheduling - and perhaps your mother will connect better with a different person -maybe she sees the anger issues your fiancee seems to have.

(I am not an only child -I try to speak with my mom 3-5 times a week and feel perfectly great if it's every day -I call usually - when my son was young and I solo parented a lot I spoke with her and my MIL several times a week. I love talking to my mom but my motivation now is also to check in as she is elderly and lives alone very far away -it's worrisome! My spouse has always liked/loved her and she -him.  He likes how close we are.  I felt uncomfortable at times with how often my spouse saw his parents when we lived in the same city but I compromised a lot.  He is an only child and was very close with them.

Well to be honest I don't really get the having a problem with your partner seeing a family member once a week or having a family get together once a week. I was very surprised when someone said that OP's dating pool would be smaller because he sees family once a week. Seems a bit bizarre.

I guess if we think about your relationship as that union and then you have "free time" outside that union. So that means your own time that’s not you going to work or spending time with your partner. Unless it impacts someone in a negative way then I think their partner should be able to spend their free time as they like. Some people play golf, have a girls' night out, boys' night out, play bridge, anything they like.

To me seeing your parent(s) once a week is what you choose to do with your free time and that is your choice. If it's organised in advance and not just last second or in favour of other plans then to me it doesn't seem it would interfere with the relationship. If OP's fiancee has a problem with this then it seems it's more out of jealousy or possessiveness. I mean, this is his mother, it's not some other woman. If OP's fiancee wants to catch up with a girl friend once a week and he stopped her then people would think he's a jerk right?

[TeeDee]

You are repeating the pattern you know here.  Your parents marriage includes fighting "all the time."  You think this is normal.  It's not. 

You can't marry this woman without drastic changes on both your parts.  Sure you needed to understand & enforce boundaries especially with your mom but your FI can't lose her mind like that & throw things, slam doors or threaten to leave when she's not getting her way.  You have started to make healthy changes.  What has she done?  

[boltnrun]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Also I changed my mind -I think it's fine you see your parents for dinner once a week and I think it's also fine if you meet a special person who has good reason to think that's a bit too often -

A question out of curiosity...your son is an only child. Would you think (and would you expect his SO to think) that him visiting you and your husband once a week when he's an adult would be excessive?  If he had been doing so and he met and got into a relationship with a lady who told him once a week was too much and he needed to stop, would you agree with her?

I see my kids about once a month but I certainly wouldn't object to once a week. And as I previously mentioned, my son visits and spends the afternoon with his grandmother every Sunday. 

[rainbowsandroses]

21 hours ago, JustPassingThrough said:

She gets angry to the point of making personal insults, threatening to leave, slamming doors to the point of breaking them, and most concerningly, throwing a wine glass near where I was standing.  It's painful as hell.

This^ is scary, wow.  I'm wondering, would your desire to marry her be different had the glass of wine she threw actually hit you? 

The personal insults?  I'm envisioning character attacks and language tearing you down or berating you?  If so, this is verbal abuse and with rare exception escalates to physical.  

I did volunteer work with domestic violence victims and at the time I was surprised when a few of those who sought help were men!

Now it's become much more commonplace, please don't shrug it off even if it only happens occasionally.

I invite you to check out my thread on Gaby Petito or learn about her story.  Sadly and tragically she became a fatal victim at her boyfriend's hands. 

Please dont shuffle these incidents under the rug, again more and more men are coming forward with their stories of abuse and we are also learning about men who have been seriously harmed or killed by their girlfriends!

I'm so sorry, please continue your therapy and it's important to be 100% transparent with him/her.

Good luck. 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

Re having dinner with your parents once a week and your girlfriend not liking it to the point she becomes violently angry about it, I tend to think there may possibly be more to the story than what you're sharing. 

I mean what is her gripe exactly?  Does she believe your parents are too involved in your life and/or in your relationship?

Does she believe you may be sharing things about her and your relationship with your parents that you don't share with her? 

Not accusing just asking. 

None of that justifies abuse, I'm just trying to get the full story as to provide the best advice. It's sometimes difficult to give proper advice when we are hearing only one side of the story. 

In any event, she should NOT be handling her frustration or anger with violence, that's just plain unacceptable behavior no matter how you slice and dice it.

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

If OP's fiancee has a problem with this then it seems it's more out of jealousy or possessiveness

^^Possibly or maybe they are just incompatible with different ideas about how to interact within the context of a serious relationship with respect to parents and friendships.

Hard to know for certain but no matter what it is, the abusive behavior is bad and wrong.