Fiancé and I Have an Otherwise Great Relationship and We Fight Every Week

[tattoobunnie]

21 hours ago, JustPassingThrough said:

...sending our flight number on a recent trip for peace of mind

we had agreed that neither of our parents would have access to the guest list or table assignments for the wedding, but my mom came to me twice on Sunday with two different people who had reached out to her about our wedding...I responded to each

Stop planning the wedding till you are ready to get married.  So far, you are still a momma's boy trying to please her.  You know why?  You are trying to avoid conflict and confrontation after a lifetime of being forced to be stuck in the middle between your folks which is a HORRIBLE thing to do to a kid.  Their business if their business, and they should have never vented to you, their kid.  Your happiness and feeling of safety should have been their top priority; not to air their dirty laundry onto you.

And, yes, the part of the flight number is weird...that's what a teenager would do, maybe, and nonsense for adults, because it's called cell phones.

And, you both agreed to zero access to others, but you did it like nothing, and no, unless they are paying a lion's share of the wedding, they don't need to know who's been invited at all.  Sorry, but you broke your word there, and you don't even see it.

Your future wife's happiness is top priority; not your mom's.

The wine glass thing though; eek, no thanks.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

A question out of curiosity...your son is an only child. Would you think (and would you expect his SO to think) that him visiting you and your husband once a week when he's an adult would be excessive?  If he had been doing so and he met and got into a relationship with a lady who told him once a week was too much and he needed to stop, would you agree with her?

I see my kids about once a month but I certainly wouldn't object to once a week. And as I previously mentioned, my son visits and spends the afternoon with his grandmother every Sunday. 

It would depend on why -if just on "principle" no I wouldn't agree. But I'll give this example - my mom married young at 21, moved from parents house to husband (1950s, normal!).  Every Sunday the family tradition was - go to relatives house for lunch and long afternoon. Relatives di did not speak English as a first language and would not accommodate my dad who didn't speak their language. He told my mother -no more once a week -it's our whole Sunday and I want to make plans to go other places (park/museum/movies etc) - he really felt bored and of course excluded being there. My mom agreed and I think it became once a month or so (before sister and I were born) - I totally see where my dad was coming from!

So if GF had a valid reason as I wrote above I wouldn't be concerned about her concerns.  This really isn't related to son being an only child -just a child.  He's 15 and we prioritize him seeing his friends over spending time with us - particularly given the 2-3 years of covid isolation!

[catfeeder]

I like @Tinydance’s view of each partner spending their own free time away from the other as they wish. If that’s working in a soup kitchen while the other visits a parent, fine. Same with discretionary income. Once the ‘ours’ fund has been satisfied, then one partner can spend on a bike while the other might subsidize a parent’s physical therapy or rent.

Planning autonomy is a healthy way to avoid an over-reach into control of the other. But verbal abuse and domestic violence? That’s not something safe to experiment with treating while both partners are in the same home. Even after treatment, the violent partner has already demonstrated a capacity to act out a loss of self control. Would you really want such a person raising your child?

[Tinydance]

5 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

Stop planning the wedding till you are ready to get married.  So far, you are still a momma's boy trying to please her.  You know why?  You are trying to avoid conflict and confrontation after a lifetime of being forced to be stuck in the middle between your folks which is a HORRIBLE thing to do to a kid.  Their business if their business, and they should have never vented to you, their kid.  Your happiness and feeling of safety should have been their top priority; not to air their dirty laundry onto you.

And, yes, the part of the flight number is weird...that's what a teenager would do, maybe, and nonsense for adults, because it's called cell phones.

And, you both agreed to zero access to others, but you did it like nothing, and no, unless they are paying a lion's share of the wedding, they don't need to know who's been invited at all.  Sorry, but you broke your word there, and you don't even see it.

Your future wife's happiness is top priority; not your mom's.

The wine glass thing though; eek, no thanks.

I'm not trying to start any fight and no problem if we disagree but I have a bit of issue with this comment. There are some things in regards to parents which I think are not that big a deal and no harm done. I hate parents or in-laws who don't respect privacy or your space but asking for a flight number doesn't actually interfere with anything.

My Mum is very attached to me because she had many miscarriages and a stillborn baby and I was the only one that survived. She has always asked me to send her flight numbers and accommodation details ONLY in the case that I begin to not respond to any messages or calls or my phone ia dead or something. She never called the airline or hotel or anything like that at all because the information was only in case of en emergency. I understand about clingy parents but there's a difference between clingy parents and CARING parents. 

Here there is a huge deal being made out of nothing. Knowing the flight number doesn't mean the parents will call the airline or randomly turn up at the airport to say goodbye. Them knowing the flight number has literally zero effect on anything. If someone got murdered or robbed and cell phone stolen, they will not be answering the phone. Their loved ones will go crazy with worry and in that case they can call the hotel or whatever. It's literally just for peace of mind.

Same thing with the guest list. The mother asked was their relative invited as he never received any invitation. The person actually DID NOT receive the invitation, it got lost. I think it's really stupid to act like some kind of control freak and be like: "No you're not allowed to know if we invited Uncle Bob, only my fiancee and I can know. You will only find out at the wedding if we invited him." Like, it's some kind of crime to ask and especially if the relative didn't receive the invitation so the question was really valid.

My sister-in-law is a massive control freak and narcissist. She basically doesn't allow anyone to do anything unless SHE gives them permission to do it. Even when she was having her second baby, she posted rules in the family whatsapp chat. She literally wrote: Here are my rules and listed by number like rule 1, 2, 3, 4, etc. The rules were: "You're not allowed to contact me, I'll contact you." You're not allowed to see the baby until my daughter has met her brother. You're not allowed to message me after 8:00 p.m. And was like: "You must respect my rules." She does this with everything and there's no good reason why. For example one time she had bad morning sickness and my mother-in-law mentioned to other family she was unwell. She cracked it and was like: "You can't tell people I'm unwell, only I can  tell them!" Like it literally gets to the point that nobody is allowed to say or do anything. I actually feel really anxious around her because I always feel like she's going to pick on something I said or did. Typical abuser behaviour.

 

[catfeeder]

45 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I'm not trying to start any fight and no problem if we disagree but I have a bit of issue with this comment. There are some things in regards to parents which I think are not that big a deal and no harm done. I hate parents or in-laws who don't respect privacy or your space but asking for a flight number doesn't actually interfere with anything.

My Mum is very attached to me because she had many miscarriages and a stillborn baby and I was the only one that survived. She has always asked me to send her flight numbers and accommodation details ONLY in the case that I begin to not respond to any messages or calls or my phone ia dead or something. She never called the airline or hotel or anything like that at all because the information was only in case of en emergency. I understand about clingy parents but there's a difference between clingy parents and CARING parents. 

Here there is a huge deal being made out of nothing. Knowing the flight number doesn't mean the parents will call the airline or randomly turn up at the airport to say goodbye. Them knowing the flight number has literally zero effect on anything. If someone got murdered or robbed and cell phone stolen, they will not be answering the phone. Their loved ones will go crazy with worry and in that case they can call the hotel or whatever. It's literally just for peace of mind.

Same thing with the guest list. The mother asked was their relative invited as he never received any invitation. The person actually DID NOT receive the invitation, it got lost. I think it's really stupid to act like some kind of control freak and be like: "No you're not allowed to know if we invited Uncle Bob, only my fiancee and I can know. You will only find out at the wedding if we invited him." Like, it's some kind of crime to ask and especially if the relative didn't receive the invitation so the question was really valid.

My sister-in-law is a massive control freak and narcissist. She basically doesn't allow anyone to do anything unless SHE gives them permission to do it. Even when she was having her second baby, she posted rules in the family whatsapp chat. She literally wrote: Here are my rules and listed by number like rule 1, 2, 3, 4, etc. The rules were: "You're not allowed to contact me, I'll contact you." You're not allowed to see the baby until my daughter has met her brother. You're not allowed to message me after 8:00 p.m. And was like: "You must respect my rules." She does this with everything and there's no good reason why. For example one time she had bad morning sickness and my mother-in-law mentioned to other family she was unwell. She cracked it and was like: "You can't tell people I'm unwell, only I can  tell them!" Like it literally gets to the point that nobody is allowed to say or do anything. I actually feel really anxious around her because I always feel like she's going to pick on something I said or did. Typical abuser behaviour.

 

I agree. There isn’t a person alive who I’d allow to dictate the topics or frequency of my communication with my own mother. If she were to say or do something to radically overstep the privacy of my partner, I would apologize to him and assure him that I will handle it. If he didn’t trust me to do so, he wouldn’t be my partner.

Same in reverse for him handling his own family. Common sense means that each partner handles their family in ways that preserve the in-law relationships and don’t vilify the partner.