Before first meet up.. is this a red flag

[crazycatlady80]

Hi

This is my first post on here, I signed up after looking on Google for love advice forums as I am need opinions desperately.

I am a young looking and acting 42 year old with a grown up daughter, been single for 3 years and not really looking but lately have been at the point of feeling more open to maybe meeting someone.

So I get a random message on a music streaming app from a guy who has obviously seen my picture and looked at the music I liked, we have very similar music taste and upon following each other on social media found out we had other things in common too, he is 8 years younger than me but to be honest I seem to get on with slightly younger people as I am young ar heart.

So I didn't initially fancy him or think he was that attractive to be honest but we have been talking quite a bit over past couple of weeks and was growing to like him but still being cautious until we have met in person.

It turns out we are both going to the same festival at the weekend and he has a music stall there..  we said it would be perfect to meet there and have a little dance together. 

He mentioned he would take a couple of drinks in with him for me when he sets the stall up So I didn't have to spend ridiculous amounts at the bar which I found very sweet.

Today I told him I love fizzy water and I prefer that over still and always have bottles at home..  he said he would take a bottle of that also at the weekend for me... then added 'don't expect *** from me every time I see you though, I just want to make a good impression first time' this has totally put me off..  I pulled him up on it and he said he didn't mean it in that way and he was just saying he wouldn't be bringing stuff for me every time to try and impress me... like why even say that? If I was a gold digger who wanted stuff bought every time he would soon work it out without having to lay down the law before we even met, and it's just a couple of beers and some water so seems like the chance of a nice dinner date one time would be out of the question if he is laying the law down over a few drinks... I feel like even guys who were just trying to get me into bed wouldn't say something like that but maybe I'm wrong, maybe I am over reacting over this remark but I feel really put off by it, we were getting on quite well before he said that and now I am thinking is that a red flag and should I even bother... i feel it is borderline insulting to me that just HAD to let me know not to expect much in future meetings and him trying to impress me by buying a couple of drinks was only for the first meeting.

Thoughts please.... 

 

[boltnrun]

So he offered to buy you drinks and then says you shouldn't expect him to in the future? Yeah, that's weird.

How far apart are you two geographically? Is dating him even a realistic possibility?

[Cherylyn]

I don't like what he said / wrote because that's what he's really thinking even though he back peddled.  And, if you decide to meet, meet at a neutral place for coffee or lunch.  No alcohol, no bars, no clubs.  Get acquainted with him.  Observe and converse.  Or, know you've already seen a blip of a red flag which was alarming to you.  Follow your own gut instincts and intuition.  If something is off with this guy,  he's off. 

[crazycatlady80]

A couple of hours away which is not the nearest but he had mentioned that of things progress with us we could spend weekends in each others towns regularly.. so would be semi long distance but I have a friend who was dating someone even further away and they are now living together so I don't see it as a total deal breaker 

[Sindy_0311]

For me it sounds like a guy who doesn’t want te be taken for granted. He’s acting distant and he sounds like a game player… maybe he got bad experiences in the past with girls trying to take advantage on him, or he  tries to play it cold. I wouldn’t bother meeting him… huge red flag IMO. 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, crazycatlady80 said:

 'don't expect *** from me every time I see you though, I just want to make a good impression first time' 

Sounds like major baggage. Proceed with caution.

[boltnrun]

Two hours away, giving you advance warning to not expect him to buy you drinks when HE offered to...yeah, that's a hard pass for me. Surely there are nice men who live closer and who don't feel the need to submit a disclaimer before you've even met.

Side note, I would caution you against excessive messaging prior to meeting in person. This creates a false sense of connection or intimacy that makes it more difficult to walk away. It also sets premature expectations. 

[Cherylyn]

49 minutes ago, crazycatlady80 said:

.  he said he would take a bottle of that also at the weekend for me... then added 'don't expect *** from me every time I see you though, I just want to make a good impression first time'

 

Sounds like a jerk already.  ☹️  If he blurted this out to you now, there's only worse to come.  Consider it fair warning.  Beware.

[Kwothe28]

We had a debate on another thread about that. Dont think he thinks you are a golddigger. But lots of men are cautious when it comes to paying because they dont want to be taken advantage for.

Anyway, its still a weird comment to say. Especially about "sparkling water". Like, unless he buys "Evian" or some high end brand, how much he can spend there? Couple of dollars? Was curious to see if maybe prices in USA are different about it but checked Wallmart and its still couple of dollars at best. Even Evian is not that much. So, its not like its a constraint on his budget. So yeah, could be a big red flag.

[bluecastle]

Personally, under the circumstances, I'd call it an orange flag. That's to say: Go, hang, see what's what, have fun, don't drink too much, and take things from there. People are can be spazzes, and while his comment is understandably irksome I don't think it merits Defcon status. 

[Cherylyn]

People can always or sometimes refrain from saying what you don't want to hear in the future,  but you can't control if they'll think it which is the problem. 

A good mind of solid character is the prized focus.  Anything short of that is at your own risk.

[smackie9]

He sounds like one of those proclaimed "nice guys" that is paranoid about being taken for granted. They always turn out to be d-bags in the end. If it doesn't feel right, then it's not. 

[Coily]

I think there is more of an element is that he doesn't want you to go into things thinking that he'll be a gravy train. It's not being a dbag, often far from for many guys. However we tend to keep that in out back pockets until we see how things go. There are enough women out there who agree to dinner or drinks so they can avoid spending their own money when they want to go out.

he may have panicked a bit after the offer, as he also may have though offering you the drinks was him trying to just get in your pants. He bungled the "i'm not buying your interest" badly.

In person you will get a better feel, plus if things are off you can just walk away.

[Cherylyn]

I agree with @smackie9 If your mind tells you, "Something just doesn't feel right"  usually your little voice inside you is forewarning you something is amiss.  Heed those warnings because they're there for a reason -- to protect you from a dicey person, relationship, etc. 

My gut instincts and intuition have never wronged me. 

If you have misgivings,  it shouldn't have been there to begin with. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, crazycatlady80 said:

A couple of hours away which is not the nearest but he had mentioned that of things progress with us we could spend weekends in each others towns regularly.. so would be semi long distance but I have a friend who was dating someone even further away and they are now living together so I don't see it as a total deal breaker 

How rude and tacky of him.  He's meeting you because it's convenient for him -he's there already so that comment is even worse.  And, obviously you wouldn't drink from an open container prepared by a stranger, right?  I personally wouldn't bother.  Does he know  your true age by the way? Have you googled him as far as whether he is who he says he is/he is single, etc?

[Andrina]

I did OLD for several years many years ago, and I did ax meeting some of the men when they said off-putting things, i.e. when one guy and I had been messaging and he asked me out, but I said I liked one phone call before I agreed to a date. He said something snarky, and though tried to backpedal that it was a joke, I ended our interactions.

That guy who said that to you lacks tact, that's for sure. Besides, that and the distance, as well as the age difference which isn't too big, but still might present different life stage issues.

Even though the LDR for your friend worked out, I think LDRs that start that way more often have a high risk for failure. Takes a lot longer to know the real person, and you can't date at a normal pace. It ends up being that you go a while without seeing each other, and then when you do, it's too long of a time together. The different pace negatively ends up affecting the relationship.

And yeah, never accept a drink from a love-interest stranger. People have been drugged.

Being a person who did a lot of wrong things, but also did right things during my OLD experience, my advice is to limit dating within about a 45 minute drive from your home. It's a lot of work, and if you're serious about finding a lifetime partner, it can be like a part time job. Guard your heart at the beginning and be realistic that you have to get past the honeymoon period to see the real man, if it even gets to that point.

If I were your buddy, I'd give my vote of NO to this dude.  

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, Andrina said:

And yeah, never accept a drink from a love-interest stranger. People have been drugged.

My very smart and street smart friend met a man through match.com -they briefly dated and she ended it. He called her some time later to ask to meet for coffee - I guess he wanted another chance? He wasn't dangerous or anything -just hadn't been for her. She agreed.  They met during the day. He drugged her coffee when she went to the restroom.  He raped her.  She woke up in his car later.

[Lambert]

Honestly, I would not accept a drink from anyone I didn't know.  I know you think you know him and you've been chatting for a while blah blah blah... but only take drinks from a bartender or server.  You just never know.  

But to answer your question-- yeah that was kinda weird.  I originally took it as a joke.  

[Tinydance]

I don't know if maybe it's just me but usually I feel put off by random guys messaging me on social media. Like if it's a completely random guy and we don't even have any mutual friends or anything connecting us in some way (e.g. went to the same school, worked at same company).

I basically always ignored most messages from complete strangers. If it was on a dating website or app then of course that's different because you are both there to date and their profile is filled out. Also the dating app usually removes fake profiles or people who were flagged as dodgy users. Whereas if some guy just cold approaches you online and you have no idea who that is, you should probably be on guard just even based on that. 

One time I did actually talk to a guy who randomly messaged me on Facebook. We were flirting online and video calling but then I somehow found his other Facebook page. That seemed to be his actual real Facebook page because it said he was engaged to this girl and he had so many photos with her. I confronted him about it and said I'd tell his fiance. He then began posting abusive messages on my Facebook wall, calling me a liar, ***, all sorts of swear words.

Having said that, I'm not saying that literally every guy who randomly messages online is a catfish and a creep. But I do think it's good to be careful. 

In terms of the drinks thing, yes I think that's rude. Did he actually offer to have drinks for you at his stall? If he actually offered himself then why did he male that comment afterwards? And all you asked for was sparkling water. You didn't ask for anything expensive like espresso martini cocktails or something lol He's also never met you before so he doesn't actually know whether you'd be asking him for anything else. I mean, you didn't ask for these drinks either, it was his idea. He hasn't even given you the opportunity to show if you pay your own way or not and he just made an assumption that you'd be expecting more things.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, crazycatlady80 said:

...we have been talking quite a bit over past couple of weeks...

This can be a problem, especially when someone cold-messages you.

Don't invest time to fantasy-build, especially to the degree that you feel familiar with a total stranger of whom you know nothing certain beyond a screen name. 

The guy sounds socially stunted enough to be rude over soda water--that's a problem.

Given the 2 hour trip, I can't say what you 'should' do, but if it were me, I would pass.

[lostandhurt]

Don't make a big deal out of it. You are going to the festival anyways so what is the harm in meeting him?  It will be in a public place and you have your own transportation so if he turns out to be a jerk just walk away and enjoy the music.

 People say and do stupid stuff all the time but that isn't always indicative of who they are.  Like your username Crazycatlady  Should you be judged on that alone?

 Go have fun, meet the guy and find out for yourself.  Anything any of us thinks bout that sentence is pure guess work.

 Lost

[limichelle]

 
 

He has a lot of unresolved issues it sounds like and quite frankly you don’t need that negativity around you. If you feel it’s not a fit, it probably isn’t. 

[Tinydance]

52 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Don't make a big deal out of it. You are going to the festival anyways so what is the harm in meeting him?  It will be in a public place and you have your own transportation so if he turns out to be a jerk just walk away and enjoy the music.

 People say and do stupid stuff all the time but that isn't always indicative of who they are.  Like your username Crazycatlady  Should you be judged on that alone?

 Go have fun, meet the guy and find out for yourself.  Anything any of us thinks bout that sentence is pure guess work.

 Lost

Yes but there are levels of stupid stuff lol That guy actually offered to get her drinks at his stall and then said: "Don't expect me to get you s*it next time". He is the one who actually offered but makes it sound like she's a leech or something? Doesn't actually make sense.

[Cherylyn]

4 hours ago, Lambert said:

Honestly, I would not accept a drink from anyone I didn't know.  I know you think you know him and you've been chatting for a while blah blah blah... but only take drinks from a bartender or server.  You just never know.  

But to answer your question-- yeah that was kinda weird.  I originally took it as a joke.  

Yes, I agree with @Lambert.  No one ever talks about date rape but it still exists and spiked drinks cannot always be proven either.   😪

Better safe than sorry.

[MissCanuck]

He sounds bitter. 

I would pass. Next.