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Should I be angry with my husband of 12 years for dropping everything to fly cross country for his ex-wife of over 15+ years ago's father's funeral?


smo2627
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Here’s the whole story via text after I left for work this morning after getting the call at 12:30AM:

Me: I'm sorry you're upset but you were there for me when BOTH MY parents n brother died in the span of 2 yrs and regardless of my relationship with them at the time which you were so poinent at pointing out to what? hurt my feelings this is not YOUR immediate family That relationship is no more or less important than my EX inlaws It makes no sense that I Get called a heartless c*** and everything else after the last few days of being cussed at threatened to be put in the hospital and have teeth knocked out after you bust my fan into pieces that I HAVE to sleep with and you cry cold because you refuse to sleep under a blanket and then accuse me of stealing OUR nest egg from OUR household and you expect me to be empathetic about your ex’s father passing?! I’m going to post an anonymous forum to find out if this is just me or if this is REALLY f***ed up!! my condolences but he has NOTHING to do with OUR immediate family its not YOUR father then i would be empathetic regardless of our recent issues like our daughter said "people die what does he have to do with our family" I'm curious to see how you're going to pull off a cross country plane ticket with rent being due next week and why it would even be a consideration that you need to rush back East for your EX in laws funeral?? you're not even contributing money that OUR household needs right now! it's f***ing ridiculous But I'M a heartless c*** because your EX father-in-law passed what does that have to do with our f***ing family and why am I supposed to be so sympathetic and empathetic and Like it was YOUR f***ing parents or something?! Unreal

Him: Wow! Gary was like a father to me!

& like a 2nd father to T. Have you EVER heard me loose it like that B4 NEVER!

Stop saying Melissa this n that BS. This is about T n Me and our relationship

with one of the best men I have ever known. You have no clue about any of that because of your jealousy issues. I loved that man and he has been there for T his whole life whatever he needed tangible or emotional. If T wasn't even going I would still try n figure it out. But he is f***ing devastated! My Son needs me bad Gary built a real family and b4 that Id never had one he welcomed me in and it was the only time I ever had that. He was the person I called when I needed advice. He was the one that took us on at least 9 week long vacations. Linda n him would comee down to stay for weeks sometimes months. Lisa- Steven my neices Kara n Holly. My "brother" Tod and Niece Hannah. We all did everything together. We'd drive up their on every Xmas Thanksgiving birthdays christening's ect. ect. ect

I am very hurt over his loss..

Very hurt by you last nite and today how can you be so cold when I was obviously shattered last nite.

Throwing up all nite. NOT 1 KIND WORD FROM YOU1 NOT EVEN A SQUEEZE OF A SHOULDER.

My neices still call me Uncle Dar. He really was a GREAT MAN!

Stop making your daughter out to be as cold-hearted as you shame on you for continously doing that! You are damaging her over and over again with that s***.

Me: Who are these neices and “brother’s” etc that I’ve never even heard of the whole 12 yrs we’ve been together?? And The way you've treated me this week?! Its a shame you didn't learn a thing or 2 from him and my daughter has her own mind and that was HER individual response im not hiding how you treat me and how you're making OUR family suffer from her anymore she has her own mind and opinion and my jealousy issues?! Please... I'm sad for T but he’s 25 yrs old and has plenty support where WE DO NOT... and she's beginning to realize that now too

I'm disgusted by how a family from 15+ yrs ago mean more and are more important than the family you have now but I'm not surprised does T understand that you're not even making sure we have what we need to pay our bills and keep lights and a roof?! I'm sure if he did he would understand if you couldn't come out there if it was YOUR father this would be completely different you can be there for him the same way I was there for Noah after him losing SIX immediate family members within TWO YEARS!

Him: please do not reply you've done enough damage already. Post that text I just sent you ,on your lil forum and see what happens! But you will never be honest with people you see things in only your perspective. Wich is so twisted up! You've never tried on another person shoes but your n julz. N people talk s*** all the time when their arguing I never said I was going to put you in a hospital. I've never laid a pinky on you n you know it. I told T I probably couldnt come because of the money issues you know what he said "Daddy I need you" Dont worry about it ill take care of it. He's got over 20 grand saved up from working since he was 15.

don't text me back.

Me: Oh yea I'll make sure I post that too! I don't ever not tell the whole story and you most CERTAINLY said "I'll put you in the f***ing hospital and knock those fake ass teeth out your face" and MY son needed me too and I should’ve gone back east for him but with what money but that wasn't important to YOU and you didn't comfort ME when I lost all my EX people oh thats right cuz I didn't lose my s*** cuz they're EX people from another time in my life but it hurt my son just the same but I have a family HERE that I have to take care of so give me a f***ing break! Good to know you're gonna take care of it instead of making sure WE'RE taken care of and have lights and a roof but it wouldn't be the 1st time you left us with nothing f***ed up… again... not surprised!! Like you said tho since YOU said so now, we're done so you might as well stay out there i can ship your s*** to you

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4 hours ago, smo2627 said:

makes no sense that I Get called a heartless c*** and everything else after the last few days of being cussed at threatened to be put in the hospital and have teeth knocked out after you bust my fan into pieces that I HAVE to sleep with and you cry cold because you refuse to sleep under a blanket and then accuse me of stealing OUR nest egg from OUR household and you expect me to be empathetic about your ex’s father passing?!

Say wha?  😮 

 

4 hours ago, smo2627 said:

Good to know you're gonna take care of it instead of making sure WE'RE taken care of and have lights and a roof but it wouldn't be the 1st time you left us with nothing f***ed up… again... not surprised!! Like you said tho since YOU said so now, we're done so you might as well stay out there i can ship your s*** to you

Yeah, staying away is best!

Sadly, there's a whole lot of anger here 😕 .

As mentioned above - There's a lot more underlying issue's here than what your partner decided to do.

Yeah, I suggest you BOTH remain apart and work on your own s****.  Seems you are toxic to each other.  Accept it and yeah, send his stuff wherever. 

Work thru your anger with a therapist might help ( not threats of harm & breaking appliances!)  😕 

 

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6 hours ago, smo2627 said:

 Him: please do not reply you've done enough damage already. Post that text I just sent you ,on your lil forum and see what happens! 

What does he mean by this?. If this is how you talk to each other, a divorce is about 11 years overdue.

You two are abusive. While he's away, speak to an attorney and get the paperwork going for a divorce.

A forum is not a jury. Why are there threats about that from both of you?

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Also how sad to hide behind a screen and hurl typed insults instead of having an in person or at least on phone conversation -back and forth where each person gets to speak uninterrupted and interact - when is the last time you tried that?

I agree this is not about the funeral. It's about the death of your marriage - or at least the near death.  Not going to say whether counseling could help -that's up to you two.  

In answer to the title of your post - you feel what you feel - angry feelings happen to the best of us even when they are irrational or when they're coming from an accumulation and it's not "once again you didn't put a clean trash can liner in and I threw out an egg yolk" 

Should you act on your anger in the way you did? No.

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12 hours ago, smo2627 said:

Here’s the whole story via text after I left for work this morning after getting the call at 12:30AM:

Me: I'm sorry you're upset but you were there for me when BOTH MY parents n brother died in the span of 2 yrs and regardless of my relationship with them at the time which you were so poinent at pointing out to what? hurt my feelings this is not YOUR immediate family That relationship is no more or less important than my EX inlaws It makes no sense that I Get called a heartless c*** and everything else after the last few days of being cussed at threatened to be put in the hospital and have teeth knocked out after you bust my fan into pieces that I HAVE to sleep with and you cry cold because you refuse to sleep under a blanket and then accuse me of stealing OUR nest egg from OUR household and you expect me to be empathetic about your ex’s father passing?! I’m going to post an anonymous forum to find out if this is just me or if this is REALLY f***ed up!! my condolences but he has NOTHING to do with OUR immediate family its not YOUR father then i would be empathetic regardless of our recent issues like our daughter said "people die what does he have to do with our family" I'm curious to see how you're going to pull off a cross country plane ticket with rent being due next week and why it would even be a consideration that you need to rush back East for your EX in laws funeral?? you're not even contributing money that OUR household needs right now! it's f***ing ridiculous But I'M a heartless c*** because your EX father-in-law passed what does that have to do with our f***ing family and why am I supposed to be so sympathetic and empathetic and Like it was YOUR f***ing parents or something?! Unreal

Him: Wow! Gary was like a father to me!

& like a 2nd father to T. Have you EVER heard me loose it like that B4 NEVER!

Stop saying Melissa this n that BS. This is about T n Me and our relationship

with one of the best men I have ever known. You have no clue about any of that because of your jealousy issues. I loved that man and he has been there for T his whole life whatever he needed tangible or emotional. If T wasn't even going I would still try n figure it out. But he is f***ing devastated! My Son needs me bad Gary built a real family and b4 that Id never had one he welcomed me in and it was the only time I ever had that. He was the person I called when I needed advice. He was the one that took us on at least 9 week long vacations. Linda n him would comee down to stay for weeks sometimes months. Lisa- Steven my neices Kara n Holly. My "brother" Tod and Niece Hannah. We all did everything together. We'd drive up their on every Xmas Thanksgiving birthdays christening's ect. ect. ect

I am very hurt over his loss..

Very hurt by you last nite and today how can you be so cold when I was obviously shattered last nite.

Throwing up all nite. NOT 1 KIND WORD FROM YOU1 NOT EVEN A SQUEEZE OF A SHOULDER.

My neices still call me Uncle Dar. He really was a GREAT MAN!

Stop making your daughter out to be as cold-hearted as you shame on you for continously doing that! You are damaging her over and over again with that s***.

Me: Who are these neices and “brother’s” etc that I’ve never even heard of the whole 12 yrs we’ve been together?? And The way you've treated me this week?! Its a shame you didn't learn a thing or 2 from him and my daughter has her own mind and that was HER individual response im not hiding how you treat me and how you're making OUR family suffer from her anymore she has her own mind and opinion and my jealousy issues?! Please... I'm sad for T but he’s 25 yrs old and has plenty support where WE DO NOT... and she's beginning to realize that now too

I'm disgusted by how a family from 15+ yrs ago mean more and are more important than the family you have now but I'm not surprised does T understand that you're not even making sure we have what we need to pay our bills and keep lights and a roof?! I'm sure if he did he would understand if you couldn't come out there if it was YOUR father this would be completely different you can be there for him the same way I was there for Noah after him losing SIX immediate family members within TWO YEARS!

Him: please do not reply you've done enough damage already. Post that text I just sent you ,on your lil forum and see what happens! But you will never be honest with people you see things in only your perspective. Wich is so twisted up! You've never tried on another person shoes but your n julz. N people talk s*** all the time when their arguing I never said I was going to put you in a hospital. I've never laid a pinky on you n you know it. I told T I probably couldnt come because of the money issues you know what he said "Daddy I need you" Dont worry about it ill take care of it. He's got over 20 grand saved up from working since he was 15.

don't text me back.

Me: Oh yea I'll make sure I post that too! I don't ever not tell the whole story and you most CERTAINLY said "I'll put you in the f***ing hospital and knock those fake ass teeth out your face" and MY son needed me too and I should’ve gone back east for him but with what money but that wasn't important to YOU and you didn't comfort ME when I lost all my EX people oh thats right cuz I didn't lose my s*** cuz they're EX people from another time in my life but it hurt my son just the same but I have a family HERE that I have to take care of so give me a f***ing break! Good to know you're gonna take care of it instead of making sure WE'RE taken care of and have lights and a roof but it wouldn't be the 1st time you left us with nothing f***ed up… again... not surprised!! Like you said tho since YOU said so now, we're done so you might as well stay out there i can ship your s*** to you

Reading the title and issues, you feel however you need to feel, OP. There’s a lot of distrust so something tells me this man lost your trust and respect a long time ago. He may be incompatible with you because he doesn’t draw hard lines when it comes to ex in laws. As you feel anger, he feels grief. It seems his ex FIL played a big role in his life and was like a father figure to him. 

And is he going or is he not? His son T is paying for his flight because he can’t afford it? There was talk of money issues and providing. Go back and review how both of you spend your money. Some changes need to be made but they won’t solve themselves with these texts. See what you can do for yourself and start being very conservative with your cash and look to the future. 

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27 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I'm not picking anyone's side here...when it gets this bad, it's time to call it quits. The who's right and who's wrong is a never ending battle that no one wins.

Unless they each commit to working with a counselor -likely individually and as a couple.  A good counselor. I don't want to go that far to say it's over.

On the substance of the matter -I foresee I will have to face a similar choice in the not too distant future.  My dear friend's husband has terminal cancer.  Lives 1000 miles away and it would be a real ordeal were I to go to the funeral. She would not pressure me at all and I already feel like I want to show up for her at that time.

Here's what I do know - I don't foresee even an argument with my husband- even a difference of opinion. I do foresee us talking with each other and perhaps navigating the whole sense of he won't want to say no but will wonder if it's "that" important I go in person - and my having to decide whether it's fair of me to ask for this length of time/this expense with air travel. I don't feel worried about us resolving it even if it involves some awkwardness/hesitancy. 

We've handled these sorts of issues on his side too and when our child was much younger so that him leaving for a trip like that meant tons of work and juggling for me at times. 

It's so very important to feel secure in going to each other with the difficult stuff- to know even if you argue/have a difference of opinion you both will focus on not escalating it and reaching a solution and doing your best to compromise/be flexible, and be genuine and walking away if you need a bit of time to compose oneself rather than overreacting. 

No one is perfect or gets through the hard stuff perfectly but when you know you both mean well in general, want to be with each other in general, believe in teamwork in general, it works so much better in the nitty gritty of daily life.  

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Should I be angry with my husband of 12 years for dropping everything to fly cross country for his ex-wife of over 15+ years ago's father's funeral?

Honestly, this is the least of your problems. When two people won't even be kind to one another, then maybe cross country from one another is where you both belong?

 

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That's some very lengthy texting about some very important issues.  😮  Is this typical in your marriage? Interesting you didn't mention any prior in-person conversation about this, and the details of that (although I think we can guess).

edited to add:  I'm not trying to be snarky here but if yours is a Written Correspondence type of marriage rather than an in-person/.phone call approach to solve problems, maybe consider e-mail?  Because I have never seen texting in paragraphs like that.

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1 hour ago, LikeWater said:

Sometimes this forum feels like they wanna be the police but only listen to one side of the story,  Obviously the one-sided story is all we get here but c'mon.

C'mon it seems like one of those copy paste reddit rants or college pranks.  Relax. Do some yoga or something like that.

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8 hours ago, LikeWater said:

I'm gonna go against the grain as well.  Why does everyone assume she's the better parent off a forum post?!  Blows my mind.

Who said anything about her being "the better parent"?

We suggested ending this toxic marriage to get her and HER daughter out of this miserable situation. The daughter is hers. The husband isn't the daughter's father. Apparently the son is the husband's, she is not his mother. Seems the son is an adult and doesn't live with them.

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7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

C'mon it seems like one of those copy paste reddit rants or college pranks.  Relax. Do some yoga or something like that.

Yeah I'ma do some yoga over a topic I don't even really care about.  Maybe take your own advice.

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7 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Where did everyone say she's a better parent? 😕

And you, I get it, you don't like me, but almost every post had this theme of "Oh my God get yourself and daughter away as soon as possible!"  I was simply saying that maybe the father's a good one. None of us really know.

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13 minutes ago, LikeWater said:

And you, I get it, you don't like me, but almost every post had this theme of "Oh my God get yourself and daughter away as soon as possible!"  I was simply saying that maybe the father's a good one. None of us really know.

Again, no one said he is a bad father.  But the daughter is the OP's, not his.  So that is why people are saying to get out of the marriage, so the daughter doesn't have to be in an environment where Mom and Stepdad can't stand one another and there's furniture being broken.

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This argument is a continuation of many. It’s a dog pile of arguments and unresolved issues and it continues to grow…..there is no resolution when they can’t stand each other anymore….too busy rubbing crap in each other’s face. Resentment, hate, anger. Time to jump ship. 

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