Is It Wrong To Own An Investment Property With My Ex Husband?

[girltalkCA]

I've been in a relationship with my gf for about 3 years now. She is Bipolar and recently had an episode and back on meds after being off meds for about 2 years. I told her from day 1 that I own an investment property with my ex husband and other investor and that it is purely financial with no emotional ties.  I also shared that towards the end of the relationship, there were times when things got out of hand and boundaries were crossed (some body hitting and he threw a ceramic something at me). Our relationship was never violent until the very end of our divorce when I came out as gay (I was about 39 at the time). I didn't contact the authorities because frankly, I was leaving and also felt that I had contributed just as much.

I'm learning my gf can be judgmental and says she gets very "protective" of people she is close to, especially protective against men. She said her ex gf was raped and that was very traumatic for her to deal with.  Her father is also emotionally/verbally abusive and very demanding of her. The investment property has made her uncomfortable from day 1 (just like her sharing her bipolar and other things have made me uncomfortable) . She believes I am being "controlled" and manipulated doesn't seem to understand that it is purely financial and not a plot from my ex to control and manipulate me.  Nobody forced me into this investment, it was my decision.

Recently, she has been pushing more and more for me to "get out". It has been a process of trying to agree to a buyout, putting it on the market, but it hasn't sold, and looking into refinancing. All of these things take time and don't happen overnight. She keeps going back and forth from "letting it go" and trusting me and us to giving me ultimatums that if I don't get out of the investment within a period of time that we are finished.

My question is, am I wrong for having an investment property with my ex husband?  I told her early on and we continued forward, so I assumed she would accept, just like I have accepted things with her. Or is she the one being unreasonable and projecting her own baggage on me?

[MissCanuck]

No, it's not wrong.

But that is the least of your problems with this relationship. Your multiple other threads indicate this but one of many issues, and it's not the one that is breaking the camel's back.

[Wiseman2]

It would be best to discuss your finances with your bank, financial advisor and account. 

Someone who has psychotic episodes is not the best confidant or financial advisor.

Take this opportunity to free yourself from the bipolar roller coaster you have subjected yourself to.

Why go from an abusive marriage to an abusive relationship?

Don't you want peace and happiness in your life?

[DarkCh0c0]

OP, I'm sorry but you are doubting yourself way too much in this relationship. Your self-esteem is taking a hit and you ask us about every little step you want to take.

Clearly, this relationship is not doing you any good. You doubt yourself, you're being guilt-tripped by your gf, and you don't feel you are enough. Plus, the mental health problems will take a toll on you and the relationship.

I think you know what to do here. Selling your property or doing whatever won't change your gf and how she treats you. Break ups are hard, and rightfully so. But you need to remember that when one door closes in life, another one will be waiting for you. You really need to leave and live by yourself for a while and heal. Please take care.

Moreover, leave the big decisions for when you are single and free from outside pressure and influence. None of us here can tell you what to do about your property. As @Wiseman2 suggested: speak to a financial advisor. There are some online websites which offer consulting for affordable fixed fees. But, no, it's not "wrong" to have an investment with your ex. It's about the investment here- not him. You stick to that and you know your boundaries when it comes to "him". The discussion ends here. Either she trusts that, or she doesn't. That's on her. Again, don't let her influence you/built trip you. She's coming off as controlling. Be aware of that.

[Seraphim]

No, it is not. She is trying to control you with her anxiety . 

[Wiseman2]

Letting someone with undertreated severe bipolar disorder with psychotic episodes advise you on finances, assets etc. is like hopping on a plane with a pilot who's drunk.

Every time she starts going on about how you should run your life, close your eyes and picture those planes flying into the WTC.

Work on your excessive dependence and excessive submissiveness.

[Batya33]

Wrong? Even a professional won't tell you it's "wrong".  I would never ever do so but that's because of my individual personality, financial planning preferences and personal risk assessment.  Yes I guess in divorces with kids maybe both parents still own the family home (honestly I really don't know -I've heard anecdotally either it's sold or one buys out the other which is what my friend did in a divorce -the latter).  For the best interests of children so they can stay in the home and the delay is because of market factors - sure - but as an investment property?  Nope - wouldn't be for me.  Doesn't make it right or wrong.  I think this is you distracting yourself from separating from your partner and making excuses/rationalizing/wanting to be right.

If my partner did this it would depend on many factors -the financial benefits vs. the risks, the contact with the ex, and yes if the ex had any kind of criminal record or was mentally unstable I personally would not want my partner to have these sorts of ties with an ex.

I'm sorry you're struggling.

[Jibralta]

6 hours ago, girltalkCA said:

My question is, am I wrong for having an investment property with my ex husband?

It's interesting that you're seriously entertaining this question when you know that your girlfriend is mentally ill, and that she's still recovering from a recent episode:

On 7/21/2021 at 11:34 AM, girltalkCA said:

About a month ago, while I was out of town, she had an episode and was hospitalized for 4 days....

.....The last month since her episode has been especially hard. Our routine is off, I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride, walking on eggshells and just trying my best to support and be there for her

.....she is probably not capable of giving me what i need right now.....

......just seems her behavior is extreme right now. She shared with me that her Dr says she is "Medium" and still healing.

Why does her mental illness cause you to question the validity of your own decisions?

[LaHermes]

OP. Your question is so beside the point. You got excellent advice on your other thread. Surely you do not intend to continue this most unhealthy relationship just because of your awful fear of being "alone". 

Your investment decisions, and who you have the investments with, are entirely YOUR business and not anyone else's.

[lostandhurt]

The investment isn't what you need to get rid of and you know it.

 So you get rid of the property then what?  Nothing will change except now you don't have something that can make you money down the road.

  I dated someone that started telling me the things that need to be gotten rid of in my life and house because my ex wife had been involved in them or whatever.  I believe she was un-diagnosed Bi Polar from her behavior throughout the relationship.  I ignored her unreasonable demands or told her "No, I am not getting a new bedroom set because my ex and I picked it out together" 

  You are being controlled but it isn't by your ex husband...

Time to end this.

Lost

[Seraphim]

Her being afraid of and disliking men is HER issue. She is trying to make it YOUR issue. That is the only thing happening here. She doesn’t care what money you have or where it is. 

[Lambert]

Op, you are an adult. You are capable of making your own decisions. in all areas of your life.

It is not right for your gf to impose her issues and opinions on you. You are not married to her. 

When you are married, I agree, you share a life and decisions. 

I think this relationship costs you a lot in emotional and mental capital. As a highly independent person myself, I am very leery of anyone that tries to control me. I would not tolerate an ultimatum. My response would be that's your choice. 

But I also think once you get to this crossroads, the relationship is irreversibly damaged. 

One person cannot own or control another.  Both people have to accept the other as they are.  Just as this arrangement was pre-relationship. It would be different if all of a sudden you decided to do this and your gf decided it was a deal breaker.  even as I write this, I think, it's ok for her to decide now it's a deal breaker.  that is her choice. 

For her men and exes are deal breakers.  For you, it's ok.  That leads me to think you're incompatible

Why continue to beat your head against the wall with this woman? Why are you working so hard on this?  

 

[LaHermes]

OP, remember this?

""How do I become more secure within myself and not be afraid to make hard decisions just because I'm afraid of being alone or not finding the right person?"

And Bolt asked you what specifically are you afraid of.

Will you hang on in a wretched and ultimately damaging "relationship", or any relationship, just because you are terrified of being alone?

You NEED to be alone, and for quite a while, OP.

[boltnrun]

What about her manic plans to buy a property far away for her to live in and not planning to have you live there with her?  How come that is OK but you co-owning a property with your ex is not?

As the others have said, having someone with untreated mental illness dictate your finances is a poor idea.

When did she go back on her meds?  In all your recent posts (from the past week) you said she was untreated and refusing to take meds. 

You also twice asked for advice on how to end the relationship and live on your own.  Are you so paralyzed with fear of being "alone" that you'd rather have a lifetime of being tied to someone who has an untreated mental illness with frequent "episodes"?  Can you specify what it is you're so afraid of?

[LaHermes]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Are you so paralyzed with fear of being "alone" that you'd rather have a lifetime of being tied to someone who has an untreated mental illness with frequent "episodes"?  Can you specify what it is you're so afraid of?

What Bolt is asking, OP. 

The co-investment or indeed any other such matter is quite beside the point here.  I sincerely hope you have put an end to this toxic enmeshment with someone who has severe mental health problems. Yes?  

Your utter terror is also toxic, and is groundless. 

[girltalkCA]

52 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

  Are you so paralyzed with fear of being "alone" that you'd rather have a lifetime of being tied to someone who has an untreated mental illness with frequent "episodes"?  Can you specify what it is you're so afraid of?

I think what I am most afraid of is being unloved, not enough, not lovable...etc. In the past after breakups, I felt a lot of anxiety, loneliness, also hard because I am already 48, came out later in life, and just afraid to be alone with  a significant other to go through life with. I am working on it with my therapist

 

[Batya33]

28 minutes ago, girltalkCA said:

 

What does the fear of being alone have to do with your sexual orientation?

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, girltalkCA said:

She keeps ... giving me ultimatums that if I don't get out of the investment within a period of time that we are finished.

My question is, am I wrong for having an investment property with my ex husband?

It's not 'wrong,' especially if you can't get out of it.

However, this misses the point. You've been considering ways to break up with this GF for pages now. So why not just take her up on her ultimatum as HER breakup with YOU?

This would be a no-brainer for me.

 

[melancholy123]

Why are you letting an unmedicated bi polar person make such big demands on you for no valid reason?  An investment can make you money, if it's a good one. Keep it and ditch her.  She's trying to control your life. You know you dont really want to sell your investment and you should not be bullied into doing so.

[LaHermes]

1 hour ago, girltalkCA said:

think what I am most afraid of is being unloved, not enough, not lovable...etc. In the past after breakups, I felt a lot of anxiety, loneliness, also hard because I am already 48, came out later in life, and just afraid to be alone with  a significant other to go through life with

Please, please, OP, and as others are advising, end this highly toxic "relationship" right now.  You are still young, with many years before you. But, but, you will have to walk this hard road to find yourself, the lovable, independent and resilient self.

"For example, if you have a core belief that you are unloveable, you will probably have a strong pattern in life of choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable. A person who did not have a core belief they were unloveable would walk away from such a situation."

From:

https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/why-do-i-feel-so-unloveable.htm

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, girltalkCA said:

I think what I am most afraid of is being unloved, not enough, not lovable...etc. In the past after breakups, I felt a lot of anxiety, loneliness, also hard because I am already 48, came out later in life, and just afraid to be alone with  a significant other to go through life with. I am working on it with my therapist

Focus on being respected. It's less fickle. Focus on being smart. That's in your power. 

Allowing an unstable person to influence financial decisions is not "love". 

Perhaps it's time to see a physician for an evaluation of depression, anxiety, etc. because obviously therapy alone is only making you worse.

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, girltalkCA said:

 

 

2 hours ago, girltalkCA said:

I think what I am most afraid of is being unloved, not enough, not lovable...etc. In the past after breakups, I felt a lot of anxiety, loneliness, also hard because I am already 48, came out later in life, and just afraid to be alone with  a significant other to go through life with. I am working on it with my therapist

I'm 55.  I have no SO.  Nothing horrible has happened to me.

The problem isn't others potentially thinking you're "not loveable".  The problem is YOU think you're "not loveable".

You're putting your self worth in the hands of others.  No way is that sustainable nor can it be successful.

What does your therapist suggest?  I doubt he or she would recommend you stay in toxic relationships with mentally unhealthy people as a means to make yourself "loveable".

[abitbroken]

You keep reframing this question differently hoping that we will tell you to stay with your girlfriend.  She is making you feel crazy and making you question everything you do.  It shows that you absolutely do not want to listen and are looking at away to justify the abuse. YES> its abuse. it doesn't matter if the other person is caluclating and deliberate or not.    Its called "crazy making". This woman is unstable and you are even confused about what's up and down.  If you live with her, suggest she moves in with family or something.  you really need to get away from her and you are not seeing clearly at all.   Maybe that sounds harsh, but you have been asking about the exact same scenario for a couple years now, right? 

If you have to, ask to move in with YOUR family or a friend who will hold you accountable when you feel like calling her or welcoming her back.  You have got to rip the bandaid off. 

[SooSad33]

You KNOW she is unstable... yet you remain?

I would not!  I have had my share... things get to be too much.. mentally & emotionally draining!

How about you take care of YOU?

And get away from her... She is not being respectful or responsible, where she should be on her meds - always.

You do what YOU want.. this is your life.

 

[Cherylyn]

If I were you, as others have mentioned, I would contact a financial advisor and real estate attorney. 

Your gf's emotional commands should be separated from possessing good business savvy.  Weigh your pros and cons legally, financially and how your business dealings with your ex will benefit you.  When it comes to money, be very shrewd.

Also, put a price you have to pay to continue contact and ties to your ex.  What is your mental health worth?  Those are the type of questions you need to ask yourself.  

If money trumps all, then in a business sense, become more calculating if your financial survival depends on it.  It's a lot to think about.