Jump to content

girltalkCA

Bronze Member
  • Posts

    109
  • Joined

Everything posted by girltalkCA

  1. My ex left a voicemail on my phone last night stating she was in a mental hospital (she’s bipolar) doing OK, but wants to talk to me as a friend. She said she wants to let me know what’s been “going on “ and she was going to be discharged from the hospital tomorrow. It was also the 1 year anniversary of her brother's death. My first reaction was, “ why are you calling me when we broke up 3 weeks ago”? Why do you need to “ tell me what’s been going on”? I got off that roller coaster ride. Doesn’t she realize or respect that I need time to heal and need to take care of myself and can’t just come to her rescue or beckon call. I know she was used to that when we were together but we’re not together anymore! And it’s too early to try and “ be friends “. I still love her and I also need to protect myself especially since she is probably still manic and I don’t know what will come out of her mouth that coukd be hurtful. I feel torn and confused. Part of me feels guilty if I don’t reach back out while the other half wants to honor by boundaries. She then called me again this morning, so I decided to give her a call back. We spoke for about 30 min, she updated me on the last month...pretty much nothing has changed. She is still pretty elevated. She said she misses me and is still in love with me. She also said that she doesn't want to bother me or make me feel uncomfortable. I told her I am taking of myself and it's good that she is continuing to take care of herself. For some reason, even after the conversation, I still feel like I love her, care about her, but I have no desire to see her or start up anything with her. The thing I did notice was I told her it was OK for her to let me know how she's doing (i.e. when she gets out of the hospital...etc) That felt odd. Like I wanted to default back to our old toxic pattern of the roller coaster ride and her calling me for the latest "thrill" update. I think what propelled me to talk to her was that a part of me felt guilty and also scared that if I didn't talk to her, something bad would happen. I know that's not true and she has even told me many times that she is capable of taking care of herself. I feel so sad. Like wasted love that has nowhere to go... I suppose the reason I am sharing this is to ask: Was what I did OK...reaching out to her briefly? Why do you think she reached out to me? Was it just because she was lonely or because she really wants to be with me?
  2. Thank you. That is exactly what I am doing right now, looking inside myself, getting to know me and taking care of myself instead of jumping into another relationship too soon, which would probably just repeat a similar toxic cycle anyhow.
  3. Honestly, right now, it is difficult for me to accept the concept of "never" having any type of relationship (even friendship) with her ever again. I believe I've come to accept that we will never be in a relationship, but it's harder for me to close the door on friendship.
  4. Thank you Catfeeder. I am moving forward each day. I will not allow myself to go be miserable or caught up in the past. Your insight has always helped me so thank you for that.
  5. Thank you so much for sharing your story and I am so sorry you had to go through what you did. Just want to let you know that you have inspired me and given me that much more strength to continue moving forward with my own path :)
  6. I completely agree! Again, it's still a process for me as I am naturally someone who try to "understand" and make sense of things. I am trying to keep the focus on myself and moving forward.
  7. Thank you and I agree!!!! That's what I am in the process of doing, saving myself and trying to move on. And yes, I realize it was never about my investment property. She was very paranoid in the end, about so many things. It was her illness coming through in the very end.
  8. I have been reading all of your responses, but I suppose I am still trying to deal with everything and perhaps there are moments when I still feel confused and want to try and "understand" what happened. It may seem very "cut and dry" to most of you, but being "in it" for 3 years, I have emotions and feelings tied into it. I realize the things "I" need to do. I am in regular therapy, working on myself and taking care of myself, working on my "issues". It's still hard and scary and I suppose I found some level of community and support and understanding in this group, your advice has been extremely helpful. I know I am ruminating, going over and over the relationship/breakup right now, but from people I've talked to , that is normal and understandable right now. I am still healing and processing everything and that can take time. I am trying to be kind and gentle and compassionate with myself, give myself the things I would normally give my significant other. It's not easy for me to sit with my own fears, and face them. But I know that I have made a lot of progress in the last few years and yes, I know I have more to go. I trying to take it day by day...moment by moment. I'm just trying to process and understand, learn and grow from this experience.
  9. I've been in a relationship with my gf for about 3 years now. She is Bipolar and recently had an episode about a month ago and back on meds after being off meds for about 2 years. I told her from day 1 that I own an investment property with my ex husband and other investor and that it is purely financial with no emotional ties. She's never been accepting of that and feels like I am still being controlled by him. She recently went back on medication, after being off meds for about 1.5 year, but is still elevated. Today, we finally broke up, about 5 weeks after her episode. Things just were never the same since. She is was fired from her job, just started getting back on meds but drinks a good amount of alcohol now even though she didn't before. She walks up to every stranger she sees and starts random conversations for long periods of time. Has made some very big purchases, no set routine or desire to get her life back to "normal" anytime soon, even though she has no job.....etc...etc...The breakup was mutual but I am left feeling very sad, hurt, and confused. I feel like I've been on a wild roller coaster ride. I don't really know what to believe...what words she said were true and what words were not. I feel very shocked and sad but also relived and not surprised. We had a pretty mature break up, but I can tell she is still in a manic state. She said that perhaps we can "see how things go" down the road, and only "if" I get out of my investment. She has always felt that I was still being controlled by my ex, even though, it was wholly my decision to get into it and for purely financial reasons. She did say she needs a break and to just get away from everything for awhile. I'm learning my ex gf was very judgmental, critical, and frankly, still in the middle of her illness and probably projecting her own fear/past experiences. I feel shocked, but not. Now, I am sitting here trying to make sense of it all and pick up my own pieces to move foreword with my life. I'm taking this time to learn and heal myself, be single for awhile which is something I haven't really done for more than 2-3 months at a time throughout my life. When she was healthy, we had a wonderful relationship, probably one of the best I've ever had, but experiencing her in her illness was something I couldn't mange, control, or even know where or how I could see US having a relationship when she is in that manic state. Has anyone ever been with someone with a mental illness/bipolar? How did you deal with that person's different states and have you found a way to BE in a healthy relationship? Should I just steer clear of people with mental illness going forward?
  10. Does anyone have any advice or can share experiences on how to break the codependent cycle in relationships? I'm noticing a pattern that my last several relationships (including my last which ended about 4 days ago), were very imbalanced, maybe not in the very beginning but over time, where I was the one giving more, not having my needs met, having weak boundaries, feeling like I was walking on eggshells....etc. I'm going through a tough break up right now, my last gf was bipolar and had an episode about a month ago, she hasn't been the same person since so we ended it 4 days ago. I'm trying to "move through" this process of pain and try to gain some insight into myself, how I can be better next time but more importantly, how to truly love myself and set my boundaries/ non-negotiable not just in love relationships but in general. Also, is a trauma bond the same as codependency? From what I know a trauma bond is when an abused person forms an unhealthy bond with the abuser. Person who is being abused develops sympathy for abuser..enables it, makes excuses etc..... My last 2 relationships had this pattern (one was deaf and probably Borderline Personality and my last was Bipolar, healthy for the first year then gradually became more manic over the last 1.5 years. Looking back, I am just surprised at how much pain/abusive behavior, I was willing to tolerate. How do I break the cycle?
  11. Broke with my gf about 3 days ago and having a hard time going NC. Mainly because the last words we exchanged was that she was being admitted into a mental hospital (not rehab where she initially wanted to go ) and that she needed to stay there for 24hrs and get her dr's "clearance" before going into rehab. She texted me she would try her best to let me know when she was going to the rehab place. I haven't heard anything since (that was Tuesday night) and I can't help but wonder how she is doing. Maybe her parents realized she was on the verge of (or even having ) another episode so created this scenario so that she would go willingly back into the hospital? I'm not sure. I still care a lot about her, I still love her, and I know she still loves me. There is a part of me that just wants to know how she's doing and if she ever made it to rehab or if something else is happening. I just want to know that she is OK. Feels like I am trying to get a taste of the "roller coaster" again, even though I'm off of it. I am doing things to move on with my life. We said we could try and stay friends at some point. What point can that happen? Any advice on how to handle? How do you cope with not knowing and sticking to NC? When does it make sense to try a friendship?
  12. I've been in a relationship with my gf for about 3 years now. She is Bipolar and recently had an episode about a month ago and back on meds after being off meds for about 2 years. I told her from day 1 that I own an investment property with my ex husband and other investor and that it is purely financial with no emotional ties. She's never been accepting of that and feels like I am still being controlled by him. Today, we finally broke up. It was mutual. She recently went back on medication but is still elevated. I feel like I've been on a wild roller coaster ride. I don't really know what to believe...what words she said were true and what words were not. I feel very shocked and sad but also relived and not surprised. She tried to check herself into a rehab center today because she feels like when she is in a manic state, she abuses alcohol. I've never really thought of her as an alcoholic, but she shared with me that in her past, mainly when she was manic, she abused alcohol, to the point of blacking out. We had a pretty mature break up, but I can tell she is still in a manic state. She said that perhaps we can "see how things go" down the road, and only "if" I get out of my investment. She has always felt that I was still being controlled by my ex, even though, it was wholly my decision to get into it and for purely financial reasons. I did share with her that things got heated and "physical" towards the end between my ex-husband and I, but all in all, we had a good relationship without any physical or emotional abuse. The thing that I don't understand is, when the person you supposedly care about rubs more salt into an already tender wound, meaning instead of being compassionate, kind, understanding when sharing these vulnerable details, she accuses, controls, manipulates and makes me feel less than. Till the very end, she kept insisting I need to get out of my investment and continued listing all of these things that "I" needed to do to fix myself but never mentioned anything that "she" needed to do or own up to. She did say she needs a break and to just get away from everything for awhile. I'm learning my ex gf was very judgmental, critical, and frankly, still in the middle of her illness and probably projecting her own fear/past experiences. I feel shocked, but not. Now, I am sitting here trying to make sense of it all and pick up my own pieces to move foreword with my life. In some ways, I am relieved.
  13. I've been in a relationship with my gf for about 3 years now. She is Bipolar and recently had an episode and back on meds after being off meds for about 2 years. I told her from day 1 that I own an investment property with my ex husband and other investor and that it is purely financial with no emotional ties. I also shared that towards the end of the relationship, there were times when things got out of hand and boundaries were crossed (some body hitting and he threw a ceramic something at me). Our relationship was never violent until the very end of our divorce when I came out as gay (I was about 39 at the time). I didn't contact the authorities because frankly, I was leaving and also felt that I had contributed just as much. I'm learning my gf can be judgmental and says she gets very "protective" of people she is close to, especially protective against men. She said her ex gf was raped and that was very traumatic for her to deal with. Her father is also emotionally/verbally abusive and very demanding of her. The investment property has made her uncomfortable from day 1 (just like her sharing her bipolar and other things have made me uncomfortable) . She believes I am being "controlled" and manipulated doesn't seem to understand that it is purely financial and not a plot from my ex to control and manipulate me. Nobody forced me into this investment, it was my decision. Recently, she has been pushing more and more for me to "get out". It has been a process of trying to agree to a buyout, putting it on the market, but it hasn't sold, and looking into refinancing. All of these things take time and don't happen overnight. She keeps going back and forth from "letting it go" and trusting me and us to giving me ultimatums that if I don't get out of the investment within a period of time that we are finished. My question is, am I wrong for having an investment property with my ex husband? I told her early on and we continued forward, so I assumed she would accept, just like I have accepted things with her. Or is she the one being unreasonable and projecting her own baggage on me?
  14. I have been in a 3 year relationship with my girlfriend who is Bipolar 1. Long story short, she had an episode about a month ago and things have not been the same since. I feel confused, heartbroken, sad, frustrated, helpless...the list goes on. I've had difficulty in my past letting go even though I know it's the right thing to do. I believe this is because I have felt anxiety in my past after break ups. I think it's the thought of facing my fears, one of which is being alone. It's strange because even though I enjoy doing things by myself, the thought of not having a significant other really scares me and makes me feel anxious. I've been in relationships pretty much my entire life since I was 18. I got married at 23 for 15 years then divorced to have a string of relationships after coming out that have not worked or been healthy, probably toxic. I know inside that I should probably spend some time alone, since I haven't spent more than 2-3 months in-between break ups, but I am terrified. I have a therapist, my Dr. prescribed anxiety meds in case I need them. I'm trying to call in all the reinforcements I can prior to making any major decision. Does anyone have any advice on how to let go of a relationship in a loving, responsible way and then sit with yourself, all alone, and deal with the fear/anxiety, loneliness. Perhaps share what has worked for you in the past.
  15. I've been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years now. We have an amazing connection, have lots of fun, talk, are best friends, and just love each other very much. She told me on our 2nd date that she was diagnosed Bipolar 1, and had episodes in her past (about 3) and doing ECT. After about 8 months, she stopped the ECT and went off her meds. She still saw a therapist and her psychiatrist regularly. Things were still going well, she's naturally extroverted and very outgoing so sometimes it's harder to make the distinction of when her mood is elevated. About a month ago, while I was out of town, she had an episode and was hospitalized for 4 days. Since then, I'm realizing more that if I am going to stay in this relationship, it will be cyclical, period of mania, depression, mixed in with periods of being somewhere in the middle. I've been asking myself "Can I ACCEPT all the variations of her" and is that really the kind of relationship I want to be in for the long haul. There are some concerns I have aside from the bipolar. She is naturally extroverted and I am more introverted. It's never really been a big issue before her episode, though I am noticing that since her episode, she has been extra extroverted to the degree of talking to strangers what seems like every other person she sees. It's a bit much for me. She has enormous amounts of energy on very little sleep. Our routine is off and I am learning to accept that it probably will not be exactly the same, that she (and we) are in the process of evolving. We all evolve and grow, but it just feels like we could potentially grow apart. The other day, she shared with me that she wants to sell her place and move about 20 miles north of where she currently lives. She said she wants to buy her own place, to be the only one on the title. I know she is not completely herself lately, but this did confuse and hurt me (even though I didn't tell her how I felt). She said maybe eventually we can live together, when we are both ready. We've been together for 3 years, and by now I would want to know that the person I'm with will include my thoughts, wishes into a major decision like this. Whether or not it will really happen or if it's just a part of her manic state talking, it still hurts. It is also is unrealistic. She doesn't have a job, the places she is looking at are beyond what she can afford. Her parents are well off and have helped her financially in the past and currently. We are having a hard time communicating and listening to each other. I don't feel like my needs are being met. That I am being heard, right now. It was better prior the episode, but now it feels like it's all about her. We tried seeing a couples counselor, which actually helped for 1 season, but then her Dr advised not to do it because she is still healing and it's just "too much" right now. These are just some of the reasons why I am now seriously considering a break up. Break-ups have so difficult for me in the past. I feel a lot of anxiety and sadness and frankly as hard as it is to admit...I'm afraid of being alone. I have a therapist, a few close friends, and a solid job. My Dr. prescribed anxiety medication should I need it. I'm still torn...my head says leave but my heart says stay. Does anyone have any advice on "how" to break up in such a way that it leaves us both feeling at "peace" and even potentially be friends down the road? Any advice on an exit plan, groups, books, tools that have helped you with break ups in the past? Is there any hope of salvaging this relationship? How can I find a place of "acceptance" where my head and heart are aligned with my decision?
  16. I've been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years now. We have an amazing connection, have lots of fun, talk, are best friends, and just love each other very much. She told me on our 2nd date that she was diagnosed Bipolar 1, and had episodes in her past (about 3) and doing ECT. After about 8 months, she stopped the ECT and went off her meds. She still saw a therapist and her psychiatrist regularly. Things were still going well, she's naturally extroverted and very outgoing so sometimes it's harder to make the distinction of when her mood is elevated. About a month ago, while I was out of town, she had an episode and was hospitalized for 4 days. Fortunately, her parents were there to help and be there for her. Since then, her Dr. put her on Latuda. She says it's helping her anxiety but she still appears to be elevated. and just not herself. I shared with her early on that I still have an investment property with my ex husband and another guy who acts as the broker. I'm not sure why I shared, I trusted her and just wanted everything out on the table. I also shared with her that towards the end of my divorce, things got a little heated and physical with my ex. I felt terrible of how we acted and I played my part. This was one of the hardest periods of my life, divorcing after 15 years of marriage and coming out. This investment bothered her from the beginning. I tried to explain the situation, that it's "just and investment" and I'm working through it to make my own decisions regarding it. In the meantime, she believes that I am being used and taken advantage of by my ex and broker. When I try to explain the situation, she doesn't listen and says it creates an enormous amount of anxiety for her and she can't tolerate me being used and taken advantage of. The way I see it, the property is my investment and my business. Nobody forced me to be in it and it's not exactly something I can get out of overnight. She has increasingly been putting pressure on me to "get out" even through I've already been doing that on my own, but her pressuring me, not listening or trying to understand isn't helping. The last month since her episode has been especially hard. Our routine is off, I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride, walking on eggshells and just trying my best to support and be there for her but also realizing I need to take care of myself and she is probably not capable of giving me what i need right now. Even when we go out, she walks off and talks to strangers for long periods of time (30min to 2 hrs) even if WE are supposed to be doing something together. again, she is usually a very social person, but just seems her behavior is extreme right now. She shared with me that her Dr says she is "Medium" and still healing. I'm wondering if anyone has some advice or experiences they can share with a loved one having Bipolar and how to navigate through the ups and downs, communicate, be supportive. I don't know how long the healing process will take or who she will change and become once this has had time to evolve. I've attended NAMI meetings and read some books. My therapist suggests giving it some space to breath and take care of myself, which I agree, but on the other hand, if I am going to be with this person for the long haul, I want to learn and know that we can get through it together. I'm hesitant to make any major decisions (like a break up) now while things are still elevated and not more settled. Although, unfortunately, when we do get into those heated moments or topics (like my investment property) things feel like they can spiral out of control quickly. Appreciate any help/advice.
  17. Does anyone have any advice/techniques that they have used to help make a avoidant/anxious relationship work? I've been reading up on some people's experiences. The concept of the anxious person just wanting to "be seen" (perhaps similar to their childhood wound)really reasonated with me. So whether they initiate an argument (to be seen or ease their anxiety for connection...not that this is a healthy method) or just have the other person look into their eyes and acknowledge them. Is it unreasonable that I need a partner who is willing and wanting to practice these with me or should I try to find ways to soothe myself and not depend on my partner?
  18. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with anxious/abandonment issues? Since I was a child (I'm 47 now) I've had an anxious style of attachment and seem to continue involving myself with avoidant types. I feel like I continue to try and "learn" the same lesson over and over. How do I become more secure within myself and not be afraid to make hard decisions just because I'm afraid of being alone or not finding the right person?
  19. That's a very interesting question and one I've thought about recently. My last relationship I was with a deaf person and we went through some very volatile situations too....some were abusive (emotionally and physically). I did try to relate and understand her (as I feel like is common and normal in relationships) but even to this day, she remains a mystery to me in many ways. The difference is, in my current relationship, the status quo felt very solid, good and healthy until now. Whereas in my last relationship, it pretty much felt unhealthy in general. The bipolar is new to me and I have no experience or understanding of it, no naturally, am trying to "figure out"
×
×
  • Create New...