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girltalkCA

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  1. My ex left a voicemail on my phone last night stating she was in a mental hospital (she’s bipolar) doing OK, but wants to talk to me as a friend. She said she wants to let me know what’s been “going on “ and she was going to be discharged from the hospital tomorrow. It was also the 1 year anniversary of her brother's death. My first reaction was, “ why are you calling me when we broke up 3 weeks ago”? Why do you need to “ tell me what’s been going on”? I got off that roller coaster ride. Doesn’t she realize or respect that I need time to heal and need to take care of myself and can’t just come to her rescue or beckon call. I know she was used to that when we were together but we’re not together anymore! And it’s too early to try and “ be friends “. I still love her and I also need to protect myself especially since she is probably still manic and I don’t know what will come out of her mouth that coukd be hurtful. I feel torn and confused. Part of me feels guilty if I don’t reach back out while the other half wants to honor by boundaries. She then called me again this morning, so I decided to give her a call back. We spoke for about 30 min, she updated me on the last month...pretty much nothing has changed. She is still pretty elevated. She said she misses me and is still in love with me. She also said that she doesn't want to bother me or make me feel uncomfortable. I told her I am taking of myself and it's good that she is continuing to take care of herself. For some reason, even after the conversation, I still feel like I love her, care about her, but I have no desire to see her or start up anything with her. The thing I did notice was I told her it was OK for her to let me know how she's doing (i.e. when she gets out of the hospital...etc) That felt odd. Like I wanted to default back to our old toxic pattern of the roller coaster ride and her calling me for the latest "thrill" update. I think what propelled me to talk to her was that a part of me felt guilty and also scared that if I didn't talk to her, something bad would happen. I know that's not true and she has even told me many times that she is capable of taking care of herself. I feel so sad. Like wasted love that has nowhere to go... I suppose the reason I am sharing this is to ask: Was what I did OK...reaching out to her briefly? Why do you think she reached out to me? Was it just because she was lonely or because she really wants to be with me?
  2. Thank you. That is exactly what I am doing right now, looking inside myself, getting to know me and taking care of myself instead of jumping into another relationship too soon, which would probably just repeat a similar toxic cycle anyhow.
  3. Honestly, right now, it is difficult for me to accept the concept of "never" having any type of relationship (even friendship) with her ever again. I believe I've come to accept that we will never be in a relationship, but it's harder for me to close the door on friendship.
  4. Thank you Catfeeder. I am moving forward each day. I will not allow myself to go be miserable or caught up in the past. Your insight has always helped me so thank you for that.
  5. Thank you so much for sharing your story and I am so sorry you had to go through what you did. Just want to let you know that you have inspired me and given me that much more strength to continue moving forward with my own path :)
  6. I completely agree! Again, it's still a process for me as I am naturally someone who try to "understand" and make sense of things. I am trying to keep the focus on myself and moving forward.
  7. Thank you and I agree!!!! That's what I am in the process of doing, saving myself and trying to move on. And yes, I realize it was never about my investment property. She was very paranoid in the end, about so many things. It was her illness coming through in the very end.
  8. I have been reading all of your responses, but I suppose I am still trying to deal with everything and perhaps there are moments when I still feel confused and want to try and "understand" what happened. It may seem very "cut and dry" to most of you, but being "in it" for 3 years, I have emotions and feelings tied into it. I realize the things "I" need to do. I am in regular therapy, working on myself and taking care of myself, working on my "issues". It's still hard and scary and I suppose I found some level of community and support and understanding in this group, your advice has been extremely helpful. I know I am ruminating, going over and over the relationship/breakup right now, but from people I've talked to , that is normal and understandable right now. I am still healing and processing everything and that can take time. I am trying to be kind and gentle and compassionate with myself, give myself the things I would normally give my significant other. It's not easy for me to sit with my own fears, and face them. But I know that I have made a lot of progress in the last few years and yes, I know I have more to go. I trying to take it day by day...moment by moment. I'm just trying to process and understand, learn and grow from this experience.
  9. I've been in a relationship with my gf for about 3 years now. She is Bipolar and recently had an episode about a month ago and back on meds after being off meds for about 2 years. I told her from day 1 that I own an investment property with my ex husband and other investor and that it is purely financial with no emotional ties. She's never been accepting of that and feels like I am still being controlled by him. She recently went back on medication, after being off meds for about 1.5 year, but is still elevated. Today, we finally broke up, about 5 weeks after her episode. Things just were never the same since. She is was fired from her job, just started getting back on meds but drinks a good amount of alcohol now even though she didn't before. She walks up to every stranger she sees and starts random conversations for long periods of time. Has made some very big purchases, no set routine or desire to get her life back to "normal" anytime soon, even though she has no job.....etc...etc...The breakup was mutual but I am left feeling very sad, hurt, and confused. I feel like I've been on a wild roller coaster ride. I don't really know what to believe...what words she said were true and what words were not. I feel very shocked and sad but also relived and not surprised. We had a pretty mature break up, but I can tell she is still in a manic state. She said that perhaps we can "see how things go" down the road, and only "if" I get out of my investment. She has always felt that I was still being controlled by my ex, even though, it was wholly my decision to get into it and for purely financial reasons. She did say she needs a break and to just get away from everything for awhile. I'm learning my ex gf was very judgmental, critical, and frankly, still in the middle of her illness and probably projecting her own fear/past experiences. I feel shocked, but not. Now, I am sitting here trying to make sense of it all and pick up my own pieces to move foreword with my life. I'm taking this time to learn and heal myself, be single for awhile which is something I haven't really done for more than 2-3 months at a time throughout my life. When she was healthy, we had a wonderful relationship, probably one of the best I've ever had, but experiencing her in her illness was something I couldn't mange, control, or even know where or how I could see US having a relationship when she is in that manic state. Has anyone ever been with someone with a mental illness/bipolar? How did you deal with that person's different states and have you found a way to BE in a healthy relationship? Should I just steer clear of people with mental illness going forward?
  10. Does anyone have any advice or can share experiences on how to break the codependent cycle in relationships? I'm noticing a pattern that my last several relationships (including my last which ended about 4 days ago), were very imbalanced, maybe not in the very beginning but over time, where I was the one giving more, not having my needs met, having weak boundaries, feeling like I was walking on eggshells....etc. I'm going through a tough break up right now, my last gf was bipolar and had an episode about a month ago, she hasn't been the same person since so we ended it 4 days ago. I'm trying to "move through" this process of pain and try to gain some insight into myself, how I can be better next time but more importantly, how to truly love myself and set my boundaries/ non-negotiable not just in love relationships but in general. Also, is a trauma bond the same as codependency? From what I know a trauma bond is when an abused person forms an unhealthy bond with the abuser. Person who is being abused develops sympathy for abuser..enables it, makes excuses etc..... My last 2 relationships had this pattern (one was deaf and probably Borderline Personality and my last was Bipolar, healthy for the first year then gradually became more manic over the last 1.5 years. Looking back, I am just surprised at how much pain/abusive behavior, I was willing to tolerate. How do I break the cycle?
  11. Broke with my gf about 3 days ago and having a hard time going NC. Mainly because the last words we exchanged was that she was being admitted into a mental hospital (not rehab where she initially wanted to go ) and that she needed to stay there for 24hrs and get her dr's "clearance" before going into rehab. She texted me she would try her best to let me know when she was going to the rehab place. I haven't heard anything since (that was Tuesday night) and I can't help but wonder how she is doing. Maybe her parents realized she was on the verge of (or even having ) another episode so created this scenario so that she would go willingly back into the hospital? I'm not sure. I still care a lot about her, I still love her, and I know she still loves me. There is a part of me that just wants to know how she's doing and if she ever made it to rehab or if something else is happening. I just want to know that she is OK. Feels like I am trying to get a taste of the "roller coaster" again, even though I'm off of it. I am doing things to move on with my life. We said we could try and stay friends at some point. What point can that happen? Any advice on how to handle? How do you cope with not knowing and sticking to NC? When does it make sense to try a friendship?
  12. I've been in a relationship with my gf for about 3 years now. She is Bipolar and recently had an episode about a month ago and back on meds after being off meds for about 2 years. I told her from day 1 that I own an investment property with my ex husband and other investor and that it is purely financial with no emotional ties. She's never been accepting of that and feels like I am still being controlled by him. Today, we finally broke up. It was mutual. She recently went back on medication but is still elevated. I feel like I've been on a wild roller coaster ride. I don't really know what to believe...what words she said were true and what words were not. I feel very shocked and sad but also relived and not surprised. She tried to check herself into a rehab center today because she feels like when she is in a manic state, she abuses alcohol. I've never really thought of her as an alcoholic, but she shared with me that in her past, mainly when she was manic, she abused alcohol, to the point of blacking out. We had a pretty mature break up, but I can tell she is still in a manic state. She said that perhaps we can "see how things go" down the road, and only "if" I get out of my investment. She has always felt that I was still being controlled by my ex, even though, it was wholly my decision to get into it and for purely financial reasons. I did share with her that things got heated and "physical" towards the end between my ex-husband and I, but all in all, we had a good relationship without any physical or emotional abuse. The thing that I don't understand is, when the person you supposedly care about rubs more salt into an already tender wound, meaning instead of being compassionate, kind, understanding when sharing these vulnerable details, she accuses, controls, manipulates and makes me feel less than. Till the very end, she kept insisting I need to get out of my investment and continued listing all of these things that "I" needed to do to fix myself but never mentioned anything that "she" needed to do or own up to. She did say she needs a break and to just get away from everything for awhile. I'm learning my ex gf was very judgmental, critical, and frankly, still in the middle of her illness and probably projecting her own fear/past experiences. I feel shocked, but not. Now, I am sitting here trying to make sense of it all and pick up my own pieces to move foreword with my life. In some ways, I am relieved.
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