I refused to let him at my place on the first date

[TanyaJo]

Hello!

After a few unsuccessful dating stories on the dating apps, I have given myself a good break from meeting strangers.

Recently to my surprise, someone whom I know from previous work contacted me and asked if I could meet for a drink. I was glad to see the message and we did meet for a dinner at a restaurant. We chatted well, laughed about old stories etc and then he said he will drop me home but I didn't accept the offer.  During our conversation, I noticed that being physical that night was on his mind but that is too early for me. I was meeting him after a year and we don't have any past together. So, I said "not today but some other day when I'm ready", but he took that badly as a rejection. He started saying things like "rejection isn't new to me, I can handle that etc etc.." finally he dropped me home and left. What he did not understand is that I did not reject him, but I was not ready/spontaneous that day. I texted him the next day (he didn't) that we should catchup some time next week, for which he replied "hey! can I confirm later? I have a few other things going on that is taking up my time".  Clearly he was attracted to me and I was to him but my phase is slow.

Wondering if he just saw me as an ONS and since I didn't invite him over to my place, he got dejected and won't meet me again?

I'm so gutted but at the same time I felt what I did wasn't wrong either. I need some help/advice on this situation.

ta 

[MissCanuck]

10 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

I said "not today but some other day when I'm ready", but he took that badly as a rejection. He started saying things like "rejection isn't new to me, I can handle that etc etc.."

He sounds quite insecure and, frankly,  immature. 

If a man reacts this way after you try to (very understandably) pump he brakes on the first date, you need to rule him out. He's not looking for what you are. 

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

Wondering if he just saw me as an ONS 

Unfortunately he contacted you looking for a hookup.

Don't text him again. Don't invite him to your place or continue unless you too are looking for casual sex.

Sounds like he just got dumped or was having a dry spell so backtracked through his contacts.

Just move forward.

[limichelle]

I think you did great! You set boundaries with what you were comfortable with. If he’s upset it’s on him. 

[Clio]

Sounds like he was looking for an ONS/hookup, hence why he behaved so dismissively once he discovered that sex on the first date was not in the cards.  You did well to protect your boundaries.  If you are looking for a relationship, this guy is not it.     

[Tinydance]

Pretty sure he just wanted sex and was annoyed that he didn't get it. Now he's not acting that interested because he realised you're not just going to jump in bed with him straight away.

[Andrina]

He was trying to emotionally manipulate you, pouting. On one hand, you did good not inviting him in. On the other hand, his emotional manipulation made a dent in your psyche, as you sought his approval and attention the next day by inviting him to do something even after his bad behavior.

Actually, you shouldn't even let a guy know your address on the first or even sometimes the second date, even if you've once known him as a co-worker. Sometimes it takes some time to figure out a guy is crazy, which wasn't immediately apparent. I know it happened to me when a guy seemed totally normal on the first meet up. His crazy came out on the second date, and I was really glad he didn't know where I lived. 

Keep tossing the losers back into the sea and hold out for the prize worthy of you.

 

[boltnrun]

Since you back pedaled, expect him to contact you in the near future for sex. He's playing hard to get now to "punish" you for not having sex with him when he wanted you to, and he's manipulating you into begging for his attention.  He will use your pursuit of him to get you into bed if you let him.

Don't let him. See him for what he is, a manipulator who wants sex.

Don't pursue him anymore unless you too are only interested in casual sex hookups.

[Hollyj]

He only wanted sex from you.  I do not understand why you reached out to him again, and why you would be "gutted" over this jerk. 

 

Thankfully, you did not let him in, that was good.

Delete his contact info.

[Jibralta]

7 hours ago, TanyaJo said:

Wondering if he just saw me as an ONS and since I didn't invite him over to my place, he got dejected and won't meet me again?

I'm so gutted but at the same time I felt what I did wasn't wrong either. I need some help/advice on this situation.

It sounds that way.

I think you did great in handling it. Dodged a bullet.

No, you probably won't see him again. It's unfortunate that you feel even slightly bad about this. But I kind of get that. He disappointed you by being a lot less than what you hoped he would be. 

My advice to you is: Lose those feeling of guilt over this. You weren't looking for a ONS and he'll never not be a ONS. That's all he is.

People like him rely on your guilt to get what they want. Hence his dramatic huffing and hawing over being supposedly rejected. And then his frosty text the next day... He's playing on your feelings.

Let this one go.

 

[LunarUK]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

He was trying to emotionally manipulate you, pouting. On one hand, you did good not inviting him in. On the other hand, his emotional manipulation made a dent in your psyche, as you sought his approval and attention the next day by inviting him to do something even after his bad behavior.

 

Completely agree Andrina. OP poster did really well setting her boundaries. But as a decent human being, she felt bad/guilt-tripped/gaslighted by his tantrum. 
Guys like that can really mess with your head and make you doubt yourself. Don’t fall for it, stay strong, and don’t beat yourself up about anything you’ve done.

 

[smackie9]

Ya I agree with the others all he wanted was sex. Girl let first impressions count. He was pawing at you and suggested he take you home....not a gentleman. Set your standards high...this guy is pond scum. Disappointed that's all he was interested in? Sure, but it's nothing to be gutted about.

[TanyaJo]

Thank you so much everyone. Yes, I feel disappointed but slowly getting over it and realising what might have been a disaster. 

[Rose Mosse]

Oh my goodness. Please do not feel like you lost anything here. Let this guy think about you all he wants. It was nice to hear from him but he's been polite. Now the thing to do is to just let it blow over. 

It doesn't read like he's interested in getting to know you as a person. Until he changes his tune or shows himself to be something else, please don't expect anything from him!

[TanyaJo]

It's really difficult to deal with (forget and let go). I really did have some feelings for him and was glad when he reached out. Not sure if it is a cultural thing that he wants sex on first date and see where things go. He never replied obviously after giving a vague polite reply to my last message for me wanting to meet again. Why me and why not someone he doesn't know well for a hookup?  

[bluecastle]

11 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

Why me and why not someone he doesn't know well for a hookup?  

Sorry the sting continues to sting. 

I'd try to reframe this question, so it's less a verdict on you and more a sign of his fragile ego, his rudimentary (to put it generously) approach to romance and connection. This is how he'd have behaved with any woman, in short. Bummer, no doubt, but odds are you'd prefer to spend your time and energy on a man who doesn't pout and guilt trip when he doesn't get what he want, when he wants it. 

[TanyaJo]

Thanks @bluecastle! True, it is less about me but although last couple of years, whenever we interacted, he kept mentioning that his current GF "looks" exactly like me and I used to ignore it (because of the fact that he has a GF and I have no interest in men who have a family/GFs). They seem to have broken up a year ago and now it makes sense as to why he reached out to me out of other women he could have very well found on a dating app. Or is it I'm overthinking this situation where it is a clear case of emotion from myside and purely physical from the guy's side. 

[bluecastle]

I do think you're overthinking a bit, with those spins probably more connected to emotions that have nothing to do with him than the specifics of this encounter—namely, just being disappointed that something momentarily promising turned out to be, well, less than promising. 

Let's say I could tell you, right now, that this guy's interest in you was not just "purely physical" but also "emotional." So what? It wouldn't change the fact that he acted like a butt-hurt doofus, which is to say that he showed you something about himself, a lack of grace and maturity.

Yawn. There's better out there, and in your shoes I'd thank him in your mind for not wasting more of your time rather than drifting down analytical wormholes about his intentions. Most adult men who are primarily focused on getting some action don't even act in the pouty manner he acted, you know?   

 

[Rose Mosse]

lol Bluecastle , agree.

1 hour ago, TanyaJo said:

It's really difficult to deal with (forget and let go). I really did have some feelings for him and was glad when he reached out. Not sure if it is a cultural thing that he wants sex on first date and see where things go. He never replied obviously after giving a vague polite reply to my last message for me wanting to meet again. Why me and why not someone he doesn't know well for a hookup?  

A funny thing happened yesterday. I ran into an old fling or flame randomly whom I haven't seen in years. We went for beers, he invited me back to his place and it was so good to catch up. Nothing had changed after all that time. I played with his dog. He wanted more but I didn't want to make any moves. We laughed about it and have kept in touch. We were really good together. I wasn't too worried about spending time with him because he works from home exclusively and has remained a hermit like me for a long while. 

I think you may be overthinking this a little but this is not to invalidate your hurt or emotions. People are seeking affection and some connection even if it's sexual or just physical with no strings attached and I think moreso around the holiday season. Not everyone has a closeknit group of friends that are part of their bubble who are free or family to see around this time. I really commend you for listening to your gut instincts. Don't take it personally if someone wants to get close to you. It may not be you rather than just a product of being human. I wouldn't fault anyone for wanting something like that. 

Stay safe too. Stick to whatever feels right to you and if someone doesn't make you feel comfortable, don't spend so much energy on that person. It's just not worth it in the long run. There will be a guy who treats you well. Hope you feel a bit better today.

[LootieTootie]

2 hours ago, TanyaJo said:

It's really difficult to deal with (forget and let go). I really did have some feelings for him and was glad when he reached out. Not sure if it is a cultural thing that he wants sex on first date and see where things go. He never replied obviously after giving a vague polite reply to my last message for me wanting to meet again. Why me and why not someone he doesn't know well for a hookup?  

It's not a cultural thing.  A genuine, good person doesn't do ONS to figure out if they want to date you. That's why there's a dating period that has to happen. Obviously as you've seen, he doesn't appear to keen on that. 

 

[reinventmyself]

More often than not things have nothing to do with you and everything to do with the other person.

Try not to personalize this.

Besides, he was a jerk.  You have the choice to not let someone like him define you in any way.  So stop the 'but, why me?'  questions.   You were just in the right place at the wrong time. 

For whatever reason he was in the headspace to try.  That's on him.  And he was a jerk about. 

He gave himself away with his later response about his vague response about getting back to you.  It appears he didn't take the rejection well, so he took advantage of an opportunity to project that back on you. . .and it worked.  Now you are allowing this exchange to make you feel bad.  . .Just don't

Carry on and don't look back.

[TanyaJo]

@Rose Mosse , don't get me wrong, I need all that too and I'm in the same place as he is. On our drive back home I even mentioned to him that I would like to see him again. I was positive about meeting him again and was supportive throughout but just wasn't ready on that day and I'm not so dynamic. It takes time and a couple of meetings for me to get there. Moreover, his reaction seemed a little hot headed and immature. 

My disappointment is, he did not get that.  When I texted back saying that, I enjoyed the evening, we should meet again, his response was "yeah I enjoyed going out last night too..I have to check about it, may I let you know later? I have this other thing I'm working on" - this was 4 days ago and no response since then. I have not reached out too after that. 

[reinventmyself]

3 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

 

My disappointment is, he did not get that.  When I texted back saying that, I enjoyed the evening, we should meet again, his response was "yeah I enjoyed going out last night too..I have to check about it, may I let you know later? I have this other thing I'm working on" - this was 4 days ago and no response since then. I have not reached out too after that. 

'I'll get back to you because I have important things going on' and then doesn't is a childish way to try to make you feel less than or rejected.   He wrapped up his own rejection, left it on your doorstep and ran.   Now here you are feeling rejected.

This is projection at it's finest.  Don't buy into it.

Having said all this. . .isn't it clear he's not worth being disappointed over?

He didn't deserve you in the first place.  

[Rose Mosse]

9 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

@Rose Mosse , don't get me wrong, I need all that too and I'm in the same place as he is. On our drive back home I even mentioned to him that I would like to see him again. I was positive about meeting him again and was supportive throughout but just wasn't ready on that day and I'm not so dynamic. It takes time and a couple of meetings for me to get there. Moreover, his reaction seemed a little hot headed and immature. 

My disappointment is, he did not get that.  When I texted back saying that, I enjoyed the evening, we should meet again, his response was "yeah I enjoyed going out last night too..I have to check about it, may I let you know later? I have this other thing I'm working on" - this was 4 days ago and no response since then. I have not reached out too after that. 

It sounds a bit avoidant. People get nervous too. I guess you can call it childish, rude, unattentive and just that overall gross feeling when you feel like you've been completely misunderstood and things have gone sideways. I am sorry about all this. There wasn't any need for it and perhaps different person, different time, different place, this might have felt just... a little less awkward and a little less strange. I've been in your position by the way and it's a really unsettling feeling (different scenario from the one I mentioned above). 

Best thing to do is raise yourself up, raise that bar too, brush yourself off and be a bit more wary with this person if he ever comes texting or knocking on your door, so to speak, again. There may be no love lost either if you decide to block him completely. 

I know that icky feeling and completely empathize. Shake it off and shimmy on down to better and brighter. I think of these sorts of encounters as sort of really 'low vibrations'. The vibes are a little lower and darker, a little more unsettling and less inspirational overall.

Surround yourself with people who spark inspiration and wonders in you, give you ideas to improve and be better at things. These sort of good vibes are what life should be about. Don't settle for this other stuff. When I get the feeling someone is giving this off I avoid like the plague and try not to become enmeshed or think too much about it. He's doing you a favour I think by being so transparent. Onwards.

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, TanyaJo said:

My disappointment is, he did not get that.

He got it alright.

Not to be harsh, but he just doesn't want that from you.

He's not sad because he feels like he's alone in the world without you. He's annoyed because he wants instant gratification and you did not deliver.

He doesn't care if you support him. He wants a hook up. 

If he wanted your kindness and support, he'd be calling back. Believe me.

There's not a lot to this guy. I bet if you texted him right now with "What are you wearing?" you'd get a reply in a heartbeat.

To use bluecastle's adjective, he is rudimentary at best. In other words, he has the emotional intelligence of a mollusk.