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Hello all

 

Im sure this isn't a new unique situation to some people, and I'm sure everyone will be screaming the same answer at me.

 

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for nearly 4 years now and things have been getting progressively worse under the surface while remaining happy in the outside. I'm in a total rut right now and honestly, the prospect of what I have to do terrifies me.

 

Arguments are a regular accurence now, and honest communication between us is impossible now because I have to be so careful about what I say as she gets very verbally aggresive towards me if I say anything she either doesn't like or doesn't agree with. Couple that to her lack of commitment to the relationship, her low priority towards me and her control over everything we do. Its resulted in me feeling very insecure and constantly stressed while around her.

 

I don't have many people who I can talk about the problems we've been having but the people I have asked instantly say, "your not happy, you shouldn't be treated like this, leave her." This is very easily said but at this point, I've invested so much into the relationship to keep it going, most of my friends are through the relationship and I'm also heavily involved with her family. As I said earlier the thought of leaving her is terrifying because I do love this person but it's getting so difficult to keep up a brave face.

 

Thankfully, apart from a dog, we aren't financially dependant on each other and there are no children to consider. The change would be a fine thing as the sexual side of the relationship is (and has always been) zero. She is also totally unwilling to move in with me and will only consider us getting a mortgage together which is something I'm massively uncomfortable with, but as she said, "that's our only option."

 

I could spend all day talking about all the things that frustrate me about her but it gets to a stage where there's no point anymore and Im just totally worn out by it all. I know I need to end it with her but at this stage I don't know how I can do it. I hope I have managed to get my concerns across and any advice on the matter would be very much appreciated.

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I'm picking up on a lot of inconsistencies and I think that could be a mix of your frustration and resentment with the relationship and feeling down or extremely anxious. I will just say that I think both of you are grossly mismatched. She's lost her patience with you on more than one occasion and it's hurt your self-worth.

 

You can either dig deep and work through those issues with her or let the relationship go. If you go around telling people that your partner is an bad person, people will respond to the information given to them. This shouldn't be a surprise to you. Having said this, no one should be in a position where they feel so broken or insecure that they can't be themselves.

 

I don't think either of you are right for each other but I also think you should do some thinking about what IS right for you. If not her, then what are you looking for in a relationship? I hope this helps with any clarity.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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She sounds like the majority of my exes and bottom line ...neither man or woman deserves to be in an abusive relationship . I have certainly lived a life in the past were I had to watch what I said , how I said it , who I said it too ...it never gets any better , it is certainly a mountain I have never successfully climbed at any rate . Not that I am saying people can't change ......just saying mountain , climb etc etc and to be honest you get to your point were you realise they don't even deserve you hanging around to encourage any change.

 

. I don't have many people who I can talk about the problems we've been having but the people I have asked instantly say, "your not happy, you shouldn't be treated like this, leave her." This is very easily said but at this point, I've invested so much into the relationship to keep it going,

 

It doesn't matter ^^^ don't talk yourself back into this ......all of us/most of us ...have left homes , children , mortgages , extended family , mutual friends , holiday homes , bank accounts , pets , jobs and everything else that goes into a relationship ....you build your life back up again , but this time you do it feeling free and knowing your worth in this world .

 

As for telling her ... well that is never easy and there is no quick fix or magic way to do it ...you have to sit her down and simply tell her your truth . Be strong

.Be to the point with no room for manoeuvre or any wiggle room for her to fill you with self doubt and you just have to grit your teeth and go for it ....

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he people I have asked instantly say, "your not happy, you shouldn't be treated like this, leave her." This is very easily said but at this point, I've invested so much into the relationship to keep it going, most of my friends are through the relationship and I'm also heavily involved with her family. As I said earlier the thought of leaving her is terrifying because I do love this person but it's getting so difficult to keep up a brave face.

 

This is true for nearly everyone in a longer-term relationship, OP.

 

Anyone who has been through a break-up after more than a couple years with their partner can relate. But having invested and being strongly connected to the other's family are not good reasons to stay in a poor relationship. It's hard to extract yourself from it, absolutely, but at some point there is not much other option.

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Sorry to hear that. How old is she? Are you both living in your own places or with parents? What do you mean by "heavily involved with her family"?

 

It's never a good idea to coast along in a passive-aggressive manner pretending you are on board with things.

 

What are the arguments about? It sounds like your goals are different and you are incompatible on many levels.

 

Sadly, you're leading her on, telling everyone but her how miserable you are but not doing anything to change that.

 

Find out and have the courage to address the real issues. If it's about intimacy or goals regarding living together, marriage family, whatever, speak up and honestly put your cards on the table.

 

If it turns out you're not on the same page with things, after at least trying to find out the issues, you can set each other free. Don't be that henpecked silent guy who rumbles with resentment.

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“Couple that to her lack of commitment to the relationship”

 

“She is also totally unwilling to move in with me and will only consider us getting a mortgage together”

 

“Thankfully, apart from a dog, we aren't financially dependant on each other”

 

Firstly , where the dog resides , that person is the owner.

 

Secondly , I don’t think it’s your gf that’s non committal , it sounds like the non committal person is you.

Your reasons for not committing may or may not be valid ones , but your gf’s reasoning for not moving in with you without a financial commitment from you are also valid.

 

For her to move in with you is a greater commitment on her part than for you to simply have her move in.

You can have her move out just as quickly as at the eve of the day it’s your property not hers.

She wants you to actually commit to the living together by getting a mortgage together etc.

She sounds smart to me.

 

So what exactly is holding you back?

 

Clearly there is no proper communication between you which is something that will break any relationship.

But it can be resolved. If the will to do so from both of you is there.

 

I sense that she is jaded from the lack of commitment from you and in turn that leads to arguments, mostly unresolved.

 

If you are not willing to work for this relationship then why be in it?

And to work on it , is to have those crucial honest conversations with her.

 

So, instead of talking to your friends and random strangers online , actually have a discussion with her?

 

Tell her how you feel , ask her how she feels.

And most importantly be honest.

 

Good luck!

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Really, the only two options should be either seeking couples counseling and giving it time to work if both make the effort, or breaking up. Four years. Twenty years. Forty years. It doesn't matter how long a couple has been together. If they are not happy, it's always smarter to begin a happier chapter of life. Even if a person is 60 when that happens, if they live a normal life span, they could experience happiness with a new partner for the next 25 years of life. Four years is a drop in the bucket in the span of life.

 

Yes, it's often upsetting to a family when a breakup happens if bonding has happened. That's life, and in some instances, sometimes there doesn't need to be a complete split if it works out where nobody is upset. When my first marriage ended, I visited my father-in-law and brother-in-law's family whenever I traveled back to their state.

 

You don't have the skills to fix things without a therapist, or you would've already made progress. Use one or split up, since there's no reason, even the measly ones you mentioned, to live a miserable life.

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How to break up:

#1) send a long winded detailed email explaining everything. All the things you are unhappy with, all the things you want to do but can't because of her, and your feelings...laid all out for her to read at her leisure.

 

#2) send her a quick text, teller her you have had enough with the arguing, etc..and you have realized you can't do this anymore.

 

#3) Be in the middle of an argument, and just simply end it in the heat of the moment, and storm off.

 

#4) take her out for dinner, and after the check is paid end the relationship. Say sorry but it's over.

 

#5) sit her down, verbally explain everything how you feel (like in the email) and breakup, go home, block delete her off everything, number too, etc. Go call up your friends and say it's done...now who's into a good night out with drinking beer around a bonfire!

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The sooner you liberate yourself, the sooner you can heal and eventually find a better parter.

 

It's better to learn how to build your own social life independently, so then you won't load that 'requirement' onto a potential partnership that offers good simpatico between just the two of you. That of itself is already rare enough. Great family and friend relationships can either be icing on that cake, or they can just be a side matter that's your own job to fulfill. Neither are good reasons to sentence yourself to a lousy relationship.

 

How to break up? The way that's easiest for you. There are no judges or juries, so nobody else gets a vote. Nobody is ever the 'good guy' in a breakup, so don't create unnecessary barriers to freedom.

 

If you believe that there must be some magic 'right' way to break up so that you're both 'happy' with the outcome, then disabuse yourself of that idea. Nobody is happy with a breakup. We all need to step up to the villain role in order to get out of bad relationships, and just like a root canal, it's the horrible side of getting to a better place.

 

Head high, you can do this.

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