Family visits

[Sweet Sue]

Billie28....no I was not aware that you shouldn't kiss a baby. I kissed my daughter as a baby.

Why is the reasoning behind this?

Her father and I have been divorced for 22 years. He left me for another woman. There marriage lasted only a few years.

According to me ex-husband, she broke them up.

My daughter chooses to live with her father because he supports her as she is not working. My house is not pristine, and I don't

expect perfection as she has two children to care for, and I don't have a problem with messy, I just can't stand the unsanitary conditions and

the offensive odor or the arguing and shouting matches.

I don't know what's confusing..

I just am looking for a way to see my grands and her(my daughter), but keep the visits short and more importantly, I think I will have to stay in a hotel

which will be hard to explain this to her, and my grandson of 9.

[boltnrun]

Capricorn3....DHR was called on her by her exhusband. Someone did come out, but after a complete investigation, nothing happened. Apparently, they did see anything to set off alarms.

 

DHR came out to visit recently?

[Sweet Sue]

Wiseman......DHR was called on her by her ex-husband a few months ago. The complaint made against her was the issue of the house 'unsanitary'. Also, her ex husband accused her of Munchausen by Proxy. He believed that she was making him sick to seek attention for herself. I don't live there and so I only hear one side. But I am aware that my grandson seem to be sick a lot. But I believed it was because he is not receiving the proper nutrients. He is very overweight and he eats way to much junk food. It's very sad.

So, DHR came and did an investigation, but could find nothing wrong--that's what she told me.

Yes, she would know if I called. They told her who filed the complaint on her the last two times.

[LaHermes]

Sue. Never explain!

 

"I think I will have to stay in a hotel

which will be hard to explain this to her, and my grandson of 9."

 

 

You don't have to explain yourself. You simply book a hotel and that's it. You don't need her permission or anyone's. Right?

[Sweet Sue]

BecxyRex........she can't leave. She takes care of her father, and she doesn't like to drive, especially with an infant.

[Sweet Sue]

boltnrun.....yes in April. They did an investigation, but found nothing that set off alarm bells. I am not accusing her of beating her son, but both

she and her father have anger issues. She was ordered to anger management a few years ago after a family member (not me) recorded her as she threatened

her dad with a knife. The screaming that I heard in that courtroom sent chills down my spine. I ran out of there crying. She went to anger management, be he did

not--even though the attorney recommended that he go as well.

When I share my concerns, I am accused of being 'judgemental'. I try to see her when I can, but like to keep my visits short. It's been working so far, but after this last visit, I don't know if I can do it anymore.

[Batya33]

I would not kiss a baby on the mouth or near the mouth especially now.

[HeartGoesOn]

So, DHR came and did an investigation, but could find nothing wrong--that's what she told me.

Yes, she would know if I called. They told her who filed the complaint on her the last two times.

 

That right there is a violation of the Hippa laws. (?sp). Either way, I'm curious as to how they got away with that?

[Capricorn3]

Capricorn3....DHR was called on her by her exhusband. Someone did come out, but after a complete investigation, nothing happened. Apparently, they did see anything to set off alarms.

They didn't see the filth, dirt, "I see the poop on the floor and the other 'accidents'., smell the overpowering smell of urine throughout the house or see the "urine streaks/stains" on the bathroom walls? It boggles the mind that anyone can miss ALL of that. .......... Unless she was tipped off and cleaned the house before they arrived, but it would be impossible to get rid of the urine smell, as you yourself noticed.

 

There just seems to be so much going on, she's been reported before, she's been to court and ordered to go for anger management for threatening her dad with a knife, her house is filthy and unsanitary, there's screaming and shouting going on all day, child pees on the walls, dogs poop on the floors ......... and no-one finds anything alarming?

 

It all seems very odd. Those children are growing up in a very very unstable and frightening environment which WILL affect their mental, physical and emotional well being. Something needs to be done about it (imo).

[Billie28]

The reason why no one should kiss a newborn (not even the parents) is because adults can carry certain bacteria and viruses in their throat that are relatively normal flora in adults but can cause meningitis in newborns , such as pneumococcal, meningococcal and herpes (cold sore).

 

As for calling child protection services , you can put in an anonymous complaint.

[Wiseman2]

Where are the fathers of these children?

[catfeeder]

Whenever I visit family who'd prefer that I stay in their homes, I tell them that my visit is also my vacation. I'd like for us to enjoy the amenities of the hotel on occasion, and I'll enjoy the private room and bath in between our visits.

 

If this creates friction with your daughter, I'd tell her, "Honey, I would love to come and visit MORE OFTEN once you're willing to let me do it my way."

 

Then let her get over it. You are not a hostage. You're offering more time, not less--just on your terms.

[Sweet Sue]

HeartGoesOn......I thought so too. As a matter of fact my daughter said that DHR told her, and these are her words, "I have seen the living conditions at your ex husband's home, and you keep your home much cleaner."

[Wiseman2]

Was there a question of where the child would go? Your daughter or her bf? Keep in mind a lot is hearsay and self defense. You daughter may have known he called. Also unfortunately some people call CPS for revenge.

 

The question is whether to stay in a hotel next time and whether another call to CPS would improve things given there is an infant there now.They will interview the infant's father again.

As a matter of fact my daughter said that DHR told her, and these are her words, "I have seen the living conditions at your ex husband's home, and you keep your home much cleaner."

[Sweet Sue]

Wiseman.....her ex-husband is still very present in my grandson's life. They have worked out a visitation arrangement where they alternate weeks and her ex husband will have every Wednesday with my grandson. It works for them and I am happy with that too! However, as far as child support, he doesn't pay her anything, just throws her a bone now and then. Her explanation to me is that, he has a job where he works 'under the table' and is paid in cash. Whether or not this is true, I really don't know. She has not pursued the child support because he did pay my grandson' daycare for several years. Her fear is that if she 'complains' to him about child support payments, he will do something to make her life a living hell. It's all very suspicious to me.

As far as the father of her new baby, he bailed on her before the baby was born. He never wanted more children and has only been around a few times. He is telling his friends that she is keeping him from seeing the baby, when in fact, she has text messages where she tells him that he can see her anytime. Then he told her he had CoVID, and he was quarantined. As far as child support, once again, according to her, she doesn't want to pursue it because she believes going after him for child support entitles him to be more involved with the baby and because she doesn't like his new girlfriend, she is trying to make his visits 'conditional'.

And she added that he doesn't make enough money and all she would get is $50, and she would have to come up with $3000 to retain a lawyer and take him to court.

Is this true? I have no idea. But I think he should pay something.

[boltnrun]

In all honestly, do you feel your daughter is providing good parenting and a healthy environment for her children?

 

Do you feel they will be affected negatively by the environment they are living in?

[Sweet Sue]

LaHermes.....Yes, he is doing great! He had to go to physical therapy and speech therapy. Today he is now 9 years old and to look at him, you would never know the ordeal he went through. He doesn't remember most of it either, thank goodness! My daughter and her ex husband have worked together for the good of their son. With all the other mishaps and disagreements, at least they were able to work together and took very good care of him during his recovery at home.

Thank you for asking :-)

[abitbroken]

Billie28....no I was not aware that you shouldn't kiss a baby. I kissed my daughter as a baby.

Why is the reasoning behind this?

Her father and I have been divorced for 22 years. He left me for another woman. There marriage lasted only a few years.

According to me ex-husband, she broke them up.

My daughter chooses to live with her father because he supports her as she is not working. My house is not pristine, and I don't

expect perfection as she has two children to care for, and I don't have a problem with messy, I just can't stand the unsanitary conditions and

the offensive odor or the arguing and shouting matches.

I don't know what's confusing..

I just am looking for a way to see my grands and her(my daughter), but keep the visits short and more importantly, I think I will have to stay in a hotel

which will be hard to explain this to her, and my grandson of 9.

 

There was no COVID-19 when your daughter was a baby, and you gave birth to her. Seeing a baby at the three month mark while you have not been quarantined together with the baby is not smart!! What is with you?? Your right to "kiss your grandbaby" is so low on the list compared to that.

 

Why not have visits via facetime and zoom every week instead of arriving every 3-8 months? It would be more consistent for the grandson in between visits. Sometimes when no one visits, and the someone visits, kids act out even more.

 

Why not just ask your daughter if you could take your grandson for awhile - alternate with the child's father? You do know if CPS takes the kids you may not be guaranteed the "right" to see them at all? That way you can be sure the child is properly clothed and cleaned. Or pay for a housecleaner to come in twice a month to do the heavy cleaning - kitchens and bathrooms - if your daughter is suffering from ADHD, oDD and depression perhaps, it might be hard to get a handle on everything. So maybe that's a way you can help. wagging your finger is no help to the grandkids. Either do something...or don't do a thing and let them be and live as they please.

[itsallgrand]

It's so hard to read you describe kids being neglected and abused. You can leave that place but those kids can't.

If it's distressing for you, imagine for them.

[LootieTootie]

Uh who cares about a hotel. Call CPS already!

 

I know in California you can remain anonymous so check with your state's reporting requirements if you need to. I strongly advise you to video record the horrid living conditions at their place so if in the situation arises that they determined again how 'pristine' the living conditions are, you have proof to show otherwise.

 

You are the grandmother. Surely if you care about your grandkids, do the right thing.

[Wiseman2]

Maybe the children would be better off with thier fathers if your daughter and ex-husbands household is this bad. If you call CPS on your daughter they may do some visits but they may put the kids with their fathers.

[Sweet Sue]

Wiseman....All I really know about her ex's is what she tells me.

According to her, my grandson doesn't like to go with his father because he 'mistreats' him, and feeds him a lot of junk food. I honestly don't know if anything she tells me about her ex-husband is true.

The father of her newborn, is an absent father. He has only seen her twice in 3 months. He has made it clear to her that he never wanted more children and although he expresses a desire to be a part of her life, he is not actively involved and does not help her with the finances. He tells his family and friends that she is deliberately keeping him away from her. I don't know....I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

It's all very sad.

[Sweet Sue]

I wish she would acknowledge that she has issues with anger control. But she never will. The problem is the 'other' people.

I honestly don't think my grandson sees a problem with the unsanitary conditions because that's all he has ever known.

 

I see my daughter show him love and I also know that she loves him dearly. I also hear the harsh words and the screams that

are so bad, I either leave the room or end the phone conversations. She goes can be collectively calm, then in an instant, she

is yelling at him and sometimes uses profanity.

She presents herself as a loving, kind, mother because she is a master manipulator.

That's how DHR has been duped, not once, but twice.

[Wiseman2]

Do they interview his teachers and doctors? Teachers and health professionals are mandatory reporters. He was just hospitalized so if no signs, symptoms or complaints were made, that means he has doctors records with objective documentation of his physical health.

 

They may view the home environment as not great and make recommendations, but they can't just rip kids away from parents into foster care who are not suffering obvious neglect or abuse (by their criteria) because you think it smells like pet odors and you think he eats too much junk food. That is poor parenting and the arguments are horrible, but parents have some rights if there is no overt neglect or abuse.

 

It would be best for you to stay in a hotel, not your exhusband's house cleaning it and getting annoyed.

That's how DHR has been duped, not once, but twice.

[Sweet Sue]

Wiseman....it's better for me to stay in a hotel for so many reasons. I just don't know how to let her know that I will be staying in a hotel, after so many years of staying with her.

It will hurt her feelings as well as my grandson's. I just wish I knew of what to say.

 

There is no overt abuse or neglect, thank goodness.