Family visits

[Wiseman2]

People suggested many things you could say without offending anyone. It's bizarre to stay with your ex-husbands house and clean up, hide in your room,etc.

 

They may be relieved that you are not crowding them, intruding on them and giving off your contemptuous vibe. It would be less strained for everyone.

[abitbroken]

Wiseman....it's better for me to stay in a hotel for so many reasons. I just don't know how to let her know that I will be staying in a hotel, after so many years of staying with her.

It will hurt her feelings as well as my grandson's. I just wish I knew of what to say.

 

There is no overt abuse or neglect, thank goodness.

 

Say you will also be in town to visit friends

Or just say "i am staying at the Holiday Inn" and thats that.

 

Why are you so afraid of her?

 

If you won't do that, then you just like to complain.

 

BTW

[Sweet Sue]

Wiseman........ You are twisting my words, like you always do!

The only time I retreat to my room is when she and her father start arguing.

Otherwise, I am very present.

Yes, it is bizarre, but I only did it because of financial reasons. I don't mind helping out with the clean ups, after all

I have made some of the mess myself. It's the right thing to do.

I take issue with your insinuating that I am giving off a contemptuous vibe, just because I choose to leave the room when

they start arguing. Are you suggesting I join in the fight?

That would be insane.

[Wiseman2]

If money is the real reason you stay with them, then you don't need an excuse to not stay there. If it's too uncomfortable in your ex-husbands house and hotels are too expensive, perhaps visit less often. Has your daughter and grandson been invited to visit you?

[LaHermes]

Sue:

 

"I also hear the harsh words and the screams that

are so bad, I either leave the room or end the phone conversations. She goes can be collectively calm, then in an instant, she

is yelling at him and sometimes uses profanity.

She presents herself as a loving, kind, mother because she is a master manipulator."

 

The child should not be subjected to this.

 

Just say to your D that you cannot stay in her house because you cannot put up with the screaming, yelling and profanity. And that is the reason you choose to stay in a hotel.

 

It is all very upsetting, I can see. And who knows, maybe the DHR never visited.

[Sweet Sue]

They need no invitation to visit. I have an open door policy here. They don't visit often because she doesn't like to drive long distance. She also knows her father can't care for the animals and she will not put them in a kennel.

My boyfriend takes me to see my daughter and books a room, reminding me to call if things go bad. He spends his time hiking and biking on the mountain. It is something he would much rather do than hang around the house with my family, and they understand. However, knowing how unstable she is, I usually stay with her in order to spend more time with her and the grands. I don't care to see my ex husband, but I can't avoid it. He lives there and works from home. Actually, we get along very well. He is always gracious and kind to me when I visit. But when my daughter and ex husband get into a disagreement, they are nasty to one another, sometimes in the presence of my grandson. If she starts with me, then he will interject and make her stop. When these two go at each other is when I retreat to my room and wait it out.

I am very uncomfortable and never know when she's gonna blow.

[Sweet Sue]

LaHermes....I am sure like most families that receive a visit from DHR, they present themselves very well. The only viable way to know for sure about the screaming, yelling and profanity is to question my grandson. To my knowledge, this has not been done.

[LaHermes]

I can well imagine they have their best "face" on if a DHR visit is announced. The DHR should visit unannounced, otherwise it is a waste of time.

 

It all sounds so outlandish and also very sad.

[abitbroken]

They need no invitation to visit. I have an open door policy here. They don't visit often because she doesn't like to drive long distance. She also knows her father can't care for the animals and she will not put them in a kennel.

My boyfriend takes me to see my daughter and books a room, reminding me to call if things go bad. He spends his time hiking and biking on the mountain. It is something he would much rather do than hang around the house with my family, and they understand. However, knowing how unstable she is, I usually stay with her in order to spend more time with her and the grands. I don't care to see my ex husband, but I can't avoid it. He lives there and works from home. Actually, we get along very well. He is always gracious and kind to me when I visit. But when my daughter and ex husband get into a disagreement, they are nasty to one another, sometimes in the presence of my grandson. If she starts with me, then he will interject and make her stop. When these two go at each other is when I retreat to my room and wait it out.

I am very uncomfortable and never know when she's gonna blow.

 

Wait a second....hotels are two expensive but your boyfriend books a room nearby and does his own thing and is on standy as your rescue committee. What's wrong with you? The hotel is already being paid for - split it with your boyfriend and stay together. Go hiking together and meet you daughter and the kids for dinner or meet them at the park or zoo. That is called setting boundaries. I had ex in laws that were perfectly lovely if you met them somewhere, had a n outing that had a time limit, etc, especially if there was a buffer person - someone new, a relative they liked, etc, a friend. What could not be handled would be a visit to a house with no exact timeframe. It would be heck breaking loose. See your daughter on her better behavior by setting a boundary like this. Otherwise you will be back here crabbing about them after the next visit.

 

And open door policies are awkward. You have to invite someone over. Otherwise they are imposing. No one wants to just drop in. What kind of pets? Could you tolerare a dog for a couple days so she can visit OR what about just picking up the older grandkid for a few days and just having the grandkid or grandkids so she can have a break?

[abitbroken]

LaHermes....I am sure like most families that receive a visit from DHR, they present themselves very well. The only viable way to know for sure about the screaming, yelling and profanity is to question my grandson. To my knowledge, this has not been done.

 

 

They are looking to see if the child appears nourished, there are no physical signs of abuse, etc. No one's house has to pass the white glove test. Are adults home when the child is home? They don't take away a kid because their mother yells sometimes. Otherwise, every family would have their children taken away. It has to be more severe than two adults sometimes yelling at eachother. Social services is not there to enforce your ideas about parenting

[Wiseman2]

Yes stay in the hotel with your bf and visit during the day.

 

That's better than cleaning her house and feeling as if you are a victim there or in the line of fire. Why spend the night and shower there?

 

It doesn't sound like your daughter "duped them twice". It sounds like CPS did not find sufficient cause to intervene.

[LaHermes]

Perhaps it might be no harm to have a look here:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=563335&page=4

 

It is very concerning that the 8 year old has serious and unattended health problems. He weighs 117 lbs at 8 years old. I am a grown adult and only weight 3 lbs more than this child!

 

I also ead where your D blows up on the phone to you, but if you try to cut off the rant then she threatens you that she will commit suicide.

 

It is all so toxic and dysfunctional that it hardly bears thinking about.

 

Sue: If you do visit there again, please take the advice to stay in a hotel, as your BF does.

[Sweet Sue]

LaHermes....thank you for the link. I will check it out. I am worried about my grandson's weight too. He has gained even more weight! She told me that the pediatrician told her he did not need to lose the weight, but he shouldn't put on anymore. Not sure if I believe this is true. I weighed in at 112, at 28 when I became pregnant with her!

My boyfriend and I have already decided to book a hotel room for future visits.

[LaHermes]

Good idea Sue. I doubt that any paediatrician would find it acceptable that a child of 8 years old weights 117 lbs. She's lying.

Childhood obesity is an increasing problem everywhere, and a marker for future severe health issues.

[abitbroken]

Good idea Sue. I doubt that any paediatrician would find it acceptable that a child of 8 years old weights 117 lbs. She's lying.

Childhood obesity is an increasing problem everywhere, and a marker for future severe health issues.

 

I think once she sets healthy boundaries for herself on visits and she is more relaxed on visits she has a better ability to "reach" her daughter or for her daughter to seek help or confide in her vs everyone always being so defensive and sue's ex always around. No, that is not healthy at all. Either the child is on a feeding frenzy or has a disorder. or both