Argument about contraception

[Seraphim]

I really don’t believe you guys are compatible. 1. He has admitted to cruelty in the past . Owns up to his behaviour yet keeps doing it???? Yeah, no. 2. He is intensely paranoid to the point he can’t even have a relationship. He has far too much work to do on himself.

[firelily]

I really don’t believe you guys are compatible. 1. He has admitted to cruelty in the past . Owns up to his behaviour yet keeps doing it???? Yeah, no. 2. He is intensely paranoid to the point he can’t even have a relationship. He has far too much work to do on himself.

 

Thank you for your points. I also think that we're not compatible for a long-term partnership.

[Batya33]

I'm not sure I'll ever be ready to be a mother, or consciously want kids, but I still obviously want to have sex before I'm old. That puts me in a different spot than people who are consciously planning family at some point of their lives. I just believe life sometimes gives you unexpected chances at something good, you know? So if something like that happened, I think I'd be too curious not to try it. But of course I don't want to risk that any more than you always risk by having protected sex.

 

 

No I don't agree. If you "want" to have sex then use double contraception so that if after all that there is an accident you will know you did your best - in the best interests of a child - I haven't heard you evaluate this at all from the interests of the child - not to get pregnant. You are not in a different spot. I started having sex in my early 20s and was not in a relationship where getting pregnant would have been fine until I was in my late 20s (and yes we used contraception, just we were on the same page about pregnancy). You don't have to have sex with someone who is not on the same wavelength.

 

Once again - a child doesn't deserve to be born because the mom "was too curious not to try" having a baby. To me a child deserves to be conceived intentionally by two parents in a stable family -whether married or long term committed hopefully in a legal sense too - where both parents 100% want that child - not because there was an accidental pregnancy that could have been avoided with more contraception and the mom was "too curious" not to have a baby and take a chance at motherhood and the dad wanted nothing to do with the child.

 

Please don't go down the whole fate/life sends you something unexpected excuse. If you don't use sufficient contraception especially with a man who doesn't want to be a dad the it's "expected" that if you get pregnant you chose the risk and you chose to bring a child into this world under (to me) less than what is in his or her best interests. Please do think about this from the child's perspective. That's what parents do before and after they have a child. It's not "something good" as you put it -it would not be "good" for the child in that scenario -it would just satisfy your "curiosity" and let you chalk it up to "fate". Still on my soapbox- there's enough unpredictable stuff for kids please give a child a stable family who wants her more than anything at the starting gate.

[firelily]

No I don't agree. If you "want" to have sex then use double contraception so that if after all that there is an accident you will know you did your best - in the best interests of a child - I haven't heard you evaluate this at all from the interests of the child - not to get pregnant. You are not in a different spot. I started having sex in my early 20s and was not in a relationship where getting pregnant would have been fine until I was in my late 20s (and yes we used contraception, just we were on the same page about pregnancy). You don't have to have sex with someone who is not on the same wavelength.

 

Once again - a child doesn't deserve to be born because the mom "was too curious not to try" having a baby. To me a child deserves to be conceived intentionally by two parents in a stable family -whether married or long term committed hopefully in a legal sense too - where both parents 100% want that child - not because there was an accidental pregnancy that could have been avoided with more contraception and the mom was "too curious" not to have a baby and take a chance at motherhood and the dad wanted nothing to do with the child.

 

Please don't go down the whole fate/life sends you something unexpected excuse. If you don't use sufficient contraception especially with a man who doesn't want to be a dad the it's "expected" that if you get pregnant you chose the risk and you chose to bring a child into this world under (to me) less than what is in his or her best interests. Please do think about this from the child's perspective. That's what parents do before and after they have a child. It's not "something good" as you put it -it would not be "good" for the child in that scenario -it would just satisfy your "curiosity" and let you chalk it up to "fate". Still on my soapbox- there's enough unpredictable stuff for kids please give a child a stable family who wants her more than anything at the starting gate.

 

Yeah, I agree with what you say. It's just my belief that in a case of unexpected pregnancy, it would be a better deal to the child then abortion - that's where we differ with my boyfriend, who believes life starts at a different point than I do. So if that would be the best possible choice, I would probably try to do my best you know. But I agree it's something I should be doing best to prevent.

[Seraphim]

Yeah, I agree with what you say. It's just my belief that in a case of unexpected pregnancy, it would be a better deal to the child then abortion - that's where we differ with my boyfriend, who believes life starts at a different point than I do. So if that would be the best possible choice, I would probably try to do my best you know. But I agree it's something I should be doing best to prevent.

 

Relationships are much easier if you’re with someone who agrees where life starts. On major life standpoints you can’t be vastly different.

[Hollyj]

Actually I feel I'd have longevity only with depressed people. Most of my life I've been misunderstood, a weird metal girl in black t-shirt at the back of the classroom. It's only after I reached other girls and guys with some life sadness and too much thinking, that I've been able to connect with someone, have deep and long lasting friendships and feel supported rather than judged. I still meet a lot of people I don't resonate with. Some people don't respect my ways. Some people would judge me harshly for being out of work due to not feeling well, some mock me for being absent-minded or spilling coffee every day. Most just don't understand the stuff I'm taking about, when I talk about what matters to me - some moving music or movies that make me think, my feels, reflections about life, the shade of the leaves. I felt most at home at culture studies where there were only freaks like me, and when I started studying part-time business psychology with some "successful managers", they always looked at me in a funny way and once openly asked if I'm retarded or something. I adapt now better to different people, but for friends I only choose people I can be myself with. It's always been the weirdos that had the home feeling for me. I'd just be perfect if I could build a good life with a weirdo who is happy with his life now and can share that happiness. I guess it's not common for weirdos to be happy early in life, and I wouldn't even know who to look for, having too few role models of happy and fulfilled weirdos to know how to spot them.

 

I am sorry that people have made you feel this way. We are all flawed, one way or another. One would hope that as adults we would be more open.

[Batya33]

Yeah, I agree with what you say. It's just my belief that in a case of unexpected pregnancy, it would be a better deal to the child then abortion - that's where we differ with my boyfriend, who believes life starts at a different point than I do. So if that would be the best possible choice, I would probably try to do my best you know. But I agree it's something I should be doing best to prevent.

 

Yes, hypothetically if you use double contraception and get pregnant I likely would feel the same - yes I did have sex when getting pregnant would not have been the best outcome because of timing and as I wrote only in one period of 3 months was I idiotic enough to have sex with a man who would have wanted me to have an abortion. Terrible choice on my part even though I didn't get pregnant (he has two kids now with his wife, he just didn't want to be with me long term). What you didn't respond to was my point that you shouldn't be having sex with someone who would want you to abort/doesn't want to be a dad in any way even if you use double contraception, since you would not want to abort (meaning, I agree with Seraphim).

[Fudgie]

I amend my previous post. I agree with Batya. Double protection is great but it can still fail. It's better not to have sex with someone if you disagree on what to do with a baby should you get pregnant. That's just asking for a lot of possible heartache and strife. Not fair to the child.

[firelily]

I amend my previous post. I agree with Batya. Double protection is great but it can still fail. It's better not to have sex with someone if you disagree on what to do with a baby should you get pregnant. That's just asking for a lot of possible heartache and strife. Not fair to the child.

 

Well, there's truth in that. But don't you think you're holding me to high standards, considering all the humanity having sex in less than perfect scenarios for parenting together, hookups with strangers, relationships in teenage years etc... I always considered myself a very responsible person. Most people I know use only single protection. I thought I'm a responsible person for trying to find the best solution, reflecting, getting knowledge from gynecologist, making sure I'm doing everything right. If I only wanted to have sex with people I easily see myself co-parenting together, this would limit me to only long term partners, but for once in my life I wanted to try something casual, cause I felt this is what I need at this time. I've always been super careful. I kissed only three people in my life. It takes me months to have sex with someone I like. Also it's not easy for me to find someone casual, and I need to know someone at least as a friend. I think I've been swiping Tinder and OKC all 2017 and 2018, sometimes for hour or two a day when I was bored, talking to so many people, and this guy was the first guy I was interested in meeting out of so many people I was at least remotely attracted to his personality and looks. If it's really the best decision to stop dating him now, I don't think it should be because of high standards that no one else having casual sex holds to, as honourable and good as they are.

[MissCanuck]

All of this strife for a casual relationship?

 

Nah. You're wasting your time and emotional energy on someone who, yes, sounds anxious, but also extremely immature and rude. Next.

 

I also don't know where you got the idea that most guys say something mean to a woman who is crying. In my own experience, that is simply not true.

[Batya33]

Well, there's truth in that. But don't you think you're holding me to high standards, considering all the humanity having sex in less than perfect scenarios for parenting together, hookups with strangers, relationships in teenage years etc... I always considered myself a very responsible person. Most people I know use only single protection. I thought I'm a responsible person for trying to find the best solution, reflecting, getting knowledge from gynecologist, making sure I'm doing everything right. If I only wanted to have sex with people I easily see myself co-parenting together, this would limit me to only long term partners, but for once in my life I wanted to try something casual, cause I felt this is what I need at this time. I've always been super careful. I kissed only three people in my life. It takes me months to have sex with someone I like. Also it's not easy for me to find someone casual, and I need to know someone at least as a friend. I think I've been swiping Tinder and OKC all 2017 and 2018, sometimes for hour or two a day when I was bored, talking to so many people, and this guy was the first guy I was interested in meeting out of so many people I was at least remotely attracted to his personality and looks. If it's really the best decision to stop dating him now, I don't think it should be because of high standards that no one else having casual sex holds to, as honourable and good as they are.

 

Oh please. High standards to abstain from sex with someone who would want you to abort a baby you would not wish to abort? Because it takes you such a long time to find a casual sexual arrangement? Not a high standard. Basic common sense and basic humanity towards an innocent child. Please don't justify this with the cliche "no one is perfect" and "everything is a risk" - that's a cop out. I never had casual sex, was curious about it for a time, didn't have it, then didn't desire it. Still don't. But I did have sex in situations where both of us either wanted to prevent pregnancy or where we knew a pregnancy would not be ideal.

 

Who cares if most people you know use single protection -you're not in bed with them, etc. This is not about holding yourself to a high standard by comparing yourself to others -this is about deciding what your values and standards are aside from the comparison thing and what you think is in the best interests of a child. And if it means having less casual sex or no casual sex because every single guy you meet would not want a child with you and would want you to abort - oh well, I guess you will have to look further. Life isn't fair sometimes.

 

Just imagine a child knowing "I don't have my dad in my life because my mom was having such a hard time finding a partner to have casual sex with that she did her best and took some pill and had intercourse with a guy who didn't even want me to exist much less be my dad. I understand my mom had sexual needs she had to satisfy and that's how I came into this world." (And even if she never knows it that way, you will know it and she will know the reality of her bio dad not ever wanting anything to do with her -and you can try and lie but you know the truth has a way of surfacing).

[Wiseman2]

Have you considered a complete physical by a doctor and some therapy for yourself, if you feel depressed confused or chronically misunderstood? Why try to fix other people? Why make him the project instead of caring for yourself and learning self-love for yourself? Of course you enjoy your rebelliousness and "being different" and in fact hope everyone notices. It helps you engage in arguments, political and otherwise and it helps you push people away. It's the image you crafted. Isn't that what being "casual" with a self-described "jerk" and texting provocative texts is all about?

He had a few psychodynamic therapists

I recommended to him cognitive behavioral therapy both to improve his ability to function in close relationships,

I think it he could really benefit from sorting out his thoughts with a CBT therapist

I'll be encouraging him to focus on improving mental health

[Hollyj]

I amend my previous post. I agree with Batya. Double protection is great but it can still fail. It's better not to have sex with someone if you disagree on what to do with a baby should you get pregnant. That's just asking for a lot of possible heartache and strife. Not fair to the child.

 

Double protection. It would not be fair to have child knowing that the father wants noting to do with him. That would not be responsible and is quite selfish.

 

This guy is not long-term and is not nice. he also has a lot of issues.

[firelily]

Have you considered a complete physical by a doctor and some therapy for yourself, if you feel depressed confused or chronically misunderstood? Why try to fix other people? Why make him the project instead of caring for yourself and learning self-love for yourself? Of course you enjoy your rebelliousness and "being different" and in fact hope everyone notices. It helps you engage in arguments, political and otherwise and it helps you push people away. It's the image you crafted. Isn't that what being "casual" with a self-described "jerk" and texting provocative texts is all about?

 

The image you have of me is very different than reality. I don't think I can do much about it, if you don't acknowledge my explanations but continue with your prior ideas. But the person described in the second half of your post here is not me and I can't speak for that person.

[boltnrun]

I was dating a guy who was adamant he didn't want more kids (he had 4 already). But, he refused to wear condoms or get a vasectomy. He even refused to "pull out". When I became pregnant he was furious and blamed me, and DEMANDED I have an abortion. He was the happiest man on the planet when I lost the baby (who I'd decided to have anyway because I was happy to have another child to add to the two I already had). It was awful and something I wouldn't wish on anyone. I despise that man today and told him off when he attempted to reconnect with me a couple of years later for sex.

 

I'm reading between the lines here...after you saw the doctor and they confirmed you COULD become pregnant if you didn't take your pills at the same time everyday, were you giving him that information because you wanted to see how he would react? I think you might have been secretly happy if you'd found yourself pregnant, but of course I could be misinterpreting what you wrote.

[firelily]

I was dating a guy who was adamant he didn't want more kids (he had 4 already). But, he refused to wear condoms or get a vasectomy. He even refused to "pull out". When I became pregnant he was furious and blamed me, and DEMANDED I have an abortion. He was the happiest man on the planet when I lost the baby (who I'd decided to have anyway because I was happy to have another child to add to the two I already had). It was awful and something I wouldn't wish on anyone. I despise that man today and told him off when he attempted to reconnect with me a couple of years later for sex.

 

I'm reading between the lines here...after you saw the doctor and they confirmed you COULD become pregnant if you didn't take your pills at the same time everyday, were you giving him that information because you wanted to see how he would react? I think you might have been secretly happy if you'd found yourself pregnant, but of course I could be misinterpreting what you wrote.

 

Oh God that's just awful. I'm so sorry. It's a bit like what I have but x10 worse or more. It takes a really messed up person to be happy that someone expecting a baby have lost it. It's not possible to be friends or anything at all with such a person. I can stand my guy cause he's wise and humane, always seeing every issue from countless perspectives of different people, but he has a grain of in him so I appreciate the warning. I'll be looking out for red flags you described.

 

When I gave him that information, it was out of custom - before I had a serious relationship where we just shared every worry like that with each other, not to have to carry it alone. I'm used to having little privacy with a partner, just full boring disclosure :) I'm not sure yet if I want to be a mother one day so I woudn't be happy at first with news like that, but I wouldn't be suicidal with it either. I know by now there are many types of unexpected life events that are worse than accidental pregnancy :/ This one is something that has at least a chance of turning out good.

 

Thank you for writing.

[Batya33]

Oh God that's just awful. I'm so sorry. It's a bit like what I have but x10 worse or more. It takes a really messed up person to be happy that someone expecting a baby have lost it. It's not possible to be friends or anything at all with such a person. I can stand my guy cause he's wise and humane, always seeing every issue from countless perspectives of different people, but he has a grain of in him so I appreciate the warning. I'll be looking out for red flags you described.

 

When I gave him that information, it was out of custom - before I had a serious relationship where we just shared every worry like that with each other, not to have to carry it alone. I'm used to having little privacy with a partner, just full boring disclosure :) I'm not sure yet if I want to be a mother one day so I woudn't be happy at first with news like that, but I wouldn't be suicidal with it either. I know by now there are many types of unexpected life events that are worse than accidental pregnancy :/ This one is something that has at least a chance of turning out good.

 

Thank you for writing.

 

It typically doesn't turn out good for a child (even if it was as a result of you enjoying casual sex and even if you "wanted" to be a mother), to be born into a situation where the mother had casual sex with a man who said he didn't want to have her baby and wanted her to abort, and wants nothing to do with the child. It's worse than being a single mother because of an accidental pregnancy where the father at least wanted to be a father, for one thing.

 

Interesting you don't want to "carry it alone" so you overshare about contraception with your partner yet you're willing to risk carrying a baby alone and not sharing what's going on with your sex partner.

 

If he's having sex with you knowing that you would have his baby he doesn't want, he's not acting in a humane way in that regard -he's certainly not seeing "countless perspectives" because he's completely dismissing his own future child's perspective. He's willing to risk impregnating you knowing he might bring an unwanted child into this world -unwanted by him and not 100% wanted by the mother.

[bluecastle]

Whoa.

 

Late to this one. Interesting discussion here, for sure, but all this surrounding a supposedly chill, casual arrangement? Seems a bit much. Kind of sounds like your main bonding point is neurosis, with sex, something many humans enjoy for its ability to induce pleasure and calm, being the thing that's revealing that.

 

I mean, to each his or her own: no protection, double protection, semi protection—those are dice that adults can roll as they'd like. But generally speaking I've found that "casual"—and, for that matter, "serious"—works when two people want to play the same game of dice and it all kind of flows, when you hang and have sex with someone without a lot of emotional swordplay and where certain words—abortion, in particular—aren't mainstays of foreplay.

 

I certainly understand why you were annoyed, as dude straight-up might as well get a tattoo that reads "Yeah, I've got the emotional intelligence of a watermelon seed and I flat-out suck." But I also understand why he was annoyed. He doesn't want kids, made that clear. You're on the pill, not pregnant as far as you know, probably not pregnant thanks to science, and yet you're making jokes about the razor slim possibility that you might be?

 

What's up with that, do you think?

 

I'll frame what I see in a less incendiary scenario. I meet a woman and tell her I never want to move to New York, because I hate noise and crowds. "Totally cool," she says, "though I'm not anti-New York and sometimes think it would be fun to live there." But this little romance is playing out in Kansas, she's telling me she doesn't care which way this romance goes, so whatever. We'll laugh and have sex in the heartland. Except every time we hang, and especially after sex, she finds a way to mention New York and kind of poke at my attitude about living New York. My impression would be that she is either (a) passive-aggressively testing whether she can get me to change my mind about New York by having sex with me; (b) that she enjoys riling me (and fellow humans) up when she's feeling stressed; © that we are just on two very different pages about life and each other; or (d) some combination of the above that is compelling in psych 101 but a buzzkill for developing romance.

 

There are dudes who want kids and dudes who are uncertain but can talk about these matters without hyperventilating or playacting as a dictator. Those are "humane" dudes. He is neither such dude. If you require such a dude for a casual romance, or romance in general, I'd consider viewing all this as a bad match.

[itsallgrand]

I think you'd be better off prioritizing the CBT over the sex.

It'll clear up a lot of these self made troubles.

[Batya33]

"I'll frame what I see in a less incendiary scenario. I meet a woman and tell her I never want to move to New York, because I hate noise and crowds. "Totally cool," she says, "though I'm not anti-New York and sometimes think it would be fun to live there." But this little romance is playing out in Kansas, she's telling me she doesn't care which way this romance goes, so whatever. We'll laugh and have sex in the heartland. Except every time we hang, and especially after sex, she finds a way to mention New York and kind of poke at my attitude about living New York. My impression would be that she is either (a) passive-aggressively testing whether she can get me to change my mind about New York by having sex with me; (b) that she enjoys riling me (and fellow humans) up when she's feeling stressed; or © that we are just on two very different pages about life and each other.

 

There are dudes who want kids and dudes who are uncertain but can talk about these matters without hyperventilating or playacting as a dictator. Those are "humane" dudes. He is neither such dude. If you require such a dude for a casual romance, or romance in general, I'd consider viewing all this as a bad match."

 

It's different when another potential human being is involved (I mean whenever you believe life begins because she wrote she would not abort so I mean the baby would be born, even if some believe life begins earlier than that). Protection is not dice that adults can roll as they like -not from an ethical perspective. In fact I heard there are now lawsuits where the man lies about having a vasectomy to the woman, lawsuits about contracting an STD because the person didn't use protection and lied, etc. I agree with you if you are saying it's ok as long as both adults are on the same page about what would happen if a pregnancy resulted. I couldn't tell from how you wrote/described your example.

 

I agree that she didn't share this information because "I share everything" - it was for a reason beyond that. Had they had a share all relationship he more likely would have chalked it up to 'I get it, we share everything". It's like when a woman (yes I have done this, not proud!) casually mentions about another guy flirting with her/showing an interest "to be honest" (in my case I didn't add the quoted zinger, still, bad enough).

[Fudgie]

I don't think it's a high standard to require that you both be on the same page in terms of accidental pregnancy before you have sex. I've not had casual sex because of this and fear of STDs but that is me.

 

Just being honest, but your potential desire to keep a baby that results from sex is sort of incompatible with casual sex for most men. The vast majority of men you meet for casual sex are probably going to want you to abort. They are there for sex, not for creating life.

 

Yes, life isn't perfect but I personally feel it's better for a child to have 2 loving parents (whatever gender/sex, don't really care) that want the child in the world.

It's not really fair to the kid to off the bat have the kid with a father who doesn't want him/her. And it's not fair to the father either. And in another way, it's not fair to you.

[bluecastle]

It's different when another potential human being is involved (I mean whenever you believe life begins because she wrote she would not abort so I mean the baby would be born, even if some believe life begins earlier than that). Protection is not dice that adults can roll as they like -not from an ethical perspective. In fact I heard there are now lawsuits where the man lies about having a vasectomy to the woman, lawsuits about contracting an STD because the person didn't use protection and lied, etc. I agree with you if you are saying it's ok as long as both adults are on the same page about what would happen if a pregnancy resulted. I couldn't tell from how you wrote/described your example.

 

I agree that she didn't share this information because "I share everything" - it was for a reason beyond that. Had they had a share all relationship he more likely would have chalked it up to 'I get it, we share everything". It's like when a woman (yes I have done this, not proud!) casually mentions about another guy flirting with her/showing an interest "to be honest" (in my case I didn't add the quoted zinger, still, bad enough).

 

Yes, this is all I really mean.

 

Minus sterilization measures, sex can make babies. Adults are aware of this. It is about the least mysterious thing. Thanks to science and technology, there are a number of ways sex can be had where the odds of a baby are very slim. Adults talk about this, mutually agree to both precautionary measures and what they'd do should the measures fail, and that's that.

 

This is not that. It's something else. It is, I agree, very much along the lines of the "cool" woman "causally" mentioning the guy at the coffee shop who asked for her number in order to see how the guy she is "totally cool" with having an undefined, non-committed romance would react. That it involves the potential of creating a new life on the planet is, yes, head-spinning and concerning.

[Seraphim]

It is true what people say. Nothing worse than being unwanted by one of your parents. I live it everyday despite being almost 53. The pain of it is terrible. I was born because my dad wanted a place to live , basically.

[firelily]

Whoa.

 

Late to this one. Interesting discussion here, for sure, but all this surrounding a supposedly chill, casual arrangement? Seems a bit much. Kind of sounds like your main bonding point is neurosis, with sex, something many humans enjoy for its ability to induce pleasure and calm, being the thing that's revealing that.

 

I mean, to each his or her own: no protection, double protection, semi protection—those are dice that adults can roll as they'd like. But generally speaking I've found that "casual"—and, for that matter, "serious"—works when two people want to play the same game of dice and it all kind of flows, when you hang and have sex with someone without a lot of emotional swordplay and where certain words—abortion, in particular—aren't mainstays of foreplay.

 

I certainly understand why you were annoyed, as dude straight-up might as well get a tattoo that reads "Yeah, I've got the emotional intelligence of a watermelon seed and I flat-out suck." But I also understand why he was annoyed. He doesn't want kids, made that clear. You're on the pill, not pregnant as far as you know, probably not pregnant thanks to science, and yet you're making jokes about the razor slim possibility that you might be?

 

What's up with that, do you think?

 

I'll frame what I see in a less incendiary scenario. I meet a woman and tell her I never want to move to New York, because I hate noise and crowds. "Totally cool," she says, "though I'm not anti-New York and sometimes think it would be fun to live there." But this little romance is playing out in Kansas, she's telling me she doesn't care which way this romance goes, so whatever. We'll laugh and have sex in the heartland. Except every time we hang, and especially after sex, she finds a way to mention New York and kind of poke at my attitude about living New York. My impression would be that she is either (a) passive-aggressively testing whether she can get me to change my mind about New York by having sex with me; (b) that she enjoys riling me (and fellow humans) up when she's feeling stressed; © that we are just on two very different pages about life and each other; or (d) some combination of the above that is compelling in psych 101 but a buzzkill for developing romance.

 

There are dudes who want kids and dudes who are uncertain but can talk about these matters without hyperventilating or playacting as a dictator. Those are "humane" dudes. He is neither such dude. If you require such a dude for a casual romance, or romance in general, I'd consider viewing all this as a bad match.

 

Thank you for your long response. You give a lot to think about.

 

You've made good points about my boyfriend behavior, but I don't think I agree with how you describe him altogether - but of course neither you or me know him through and through. As always on advice forums, obviously I concentrate on what's wrong, and not on situations where he showed understanding, flexibility and maturity. But of course it's the things I consider potential dealbreakers that are the topic here, so thanks for your perspective on that. I just wanted to notice here he's not a watermelon. But sure he has issues that might be not good for me or anybody.

 

As for abortion discussion, it's been rather him making comments or jokes about abortion too often. I think I focused more on this issue this month because it's been my first month of switching to contraception and checking doubts with the doctor. I don't think I've been doing that passive-aggressive thing you talk about, but I'll take a closer look from now on. The less messed up dynamics the better.

 

The last thing that you address is the thing that concerned me, that when he was afraid his ex got pregnant, he treated it not as a team decision but as "I can't have a baby! Abortion is the only decision here" sort of way. I tried to explain to him that in long-term relationship like what he had, you address an issue like that as a team decision: "Ok, we screwed up. What do we do? Here's my opinion and my needs. What are yours?", but in this particular subject he's too concerned with his own fear how impossible it would be for him to be trapped by an event like that. He never showed "dictator" attitude in any other area, he's generally very flexible, open-minded and listening to my needs about whatever, so it's not that in tune with his character altogether - but of course it's a serious enough issue if it's just with the pregnancy topic because of the importance of this topic.

[Leah33]

Since preventing pregnancy seems to be the main theme of this thread, why not get an IUD or Implant (if it wasn't already mentioned)?

 

They are the most effective form of birth control, lasts for years and there's nothing you have to remember to take or risk forgetting to take like an oral contraceptive.