Argument about contraception

[firelily]

I'm an overthinker too.

 

I wanted to throw this out there in case you haven't tried it, even if it's obvious. Daily cardio helps me get out of my head, releases any negative energy/stress. stop overthinking, feel like a million bucks/superwoman and just such replenishing "quality" me- time -I do only 31-35 minutes a day but every single day, often before 7:30am (today was 5:45) and I finish at least 3 glasses of water during. I go as fast as possible on a treadmill or outside - I've improved my speed over the 37 years of regular exercise but I'm at the limit now (I'm 53 also so that factors in) - and even when I lack some motivation it's the best. Like "therapy" but without the downsides you mentioned. Not always but enough that I love it. I don't belong to a gym, I have a few exercise outfits, great sneakers and a good water bottle. And that's it, I keep it simple. I have to keep it to about 30 minutes because of my schedule/lifestyle so I do this as intensely as possible. I so highly recommend it for a fellow overthinker.

 

Thanks!! Might be actually doable for me cause I start work pretty late on most days. And I really, REALLY want to adopt a dog this year so I need to check if it's doable for to find extra time in the morning :) Both problems solved!

[firelily]

Nah, the little shudder in my heart has nothing to do with my personal views on therapy. They're pretty conflicted, those views. Bet we could have some good chats over a glass of wine about all that.

 

I suppose the twinge comes from the sense that you strike me as someone very interested in human psychology, particularly your own, while engaging in a romantic dynamic that validates personal pathologies that don't serve you. Almost like someone who is in therapy, and into therapy, but who is seeing a very questionable therapist, with him/the relationship being that questionable therapist.

 

I mean, to brass tacks this whole thing: there is a staggering amount of drama between you guys—high school stuff, really, given graduate school gloss because you've both got the brainpower and the thirsty hearts that beat inside all human chests. It's like taking a juvenile relationship (the deep chats in dorm rooms that culminate in climax) and putting it through a thesaurus so it looks to have more layers than it does—so you each can look in the mirror and see people who have traveled far, far from the recess sandbox where boys punch girls in the arm to show interest. Except your arm is bruised, because he is punching it.

 

I get the sense, in ways, that you each see the other as a kind of romantic "finishing school." You cuddle as the Motley Crew documentary plays on Netflix, talking about falling in "real" love with others in a future that might be tomorrow or whenever—once this exhausting form of love-lust has run its course. But it's a school that is teaching questionable romantic habits, a "placeholder" that has you both held in a place you don't want to be, and as such maybe getting each of you further away from what you want—and your personal truths—rather than closer.

 

Sure, that's why I want to be really aware of what this relationship is doing to me.

 

I just didn't agree with the concept of some single "quarantine" with therapy before being allowed to date. The romantic stuff I will learn I will learn only in relationships, I just need to know which one serves me and when to walk away. I'm not going to learn anything about love by breaking up and being single and seeing some therapist for months talking about... not sure what, cause none of the baggage I bring into relationships will be visible to me anymore? And it is not my focus now. My focus is my life now, and this relationship has been bringing me stability (yes, after loving someone for years who would spend random and unpredictable amounts of weeks at home and on an oil rig, that's stability), company and emotional support that was beneficial to my life in different ways than being single was beneficial to my life. I'm not sure if this experience will ultimately improve my ability to be in a close relationship (I don't see yet why not, experience is experience, especially for someone who had 2.5 boyfriends), but so far it has made me sleep better at night and waking up more refreshed to go on with my life.

[Batya33]

For better or worse despite getting in my own way for years I also didn’t take breaks to “work on myself “. Not sure if that extended my single years. I took the long way around and landed in the right place and without doing any real harm to myself or anyone else other than wasted time and having to adjust my desire for more than one child - always assumed I’d have two I guess but so thrilled with one.

[figureitout23]

You state you don’t know why you made the joke and you don’t know why you showed him this post.

 

Well therapy would explore that with you.

 

Both were form of manipulation, you wanted to get a reaction out of him, maybe not consciously, like I said, we humans, we don’t do things we aren’t getting something out of, your oversharing and button pushing, you’re doing it for a specific reason. Kinda reminds me of the teen girls who have their friends flirt with their boyfriend or the wife who says don’t get me anything for my birthday, then proceeds to get angry there is no gift, not saying what you’re doing is that over the top, but the motivations are the same

[firelily]

You state you don’t know why you made the joke and you don’t know why you showed him this post.

 

Well therapy would explore that with you.

 

Both were form of manipulation, you wanted to get a reaction out of him, maybe not consciously, like I said, we humans, we don’t do things we aren’t getting something out of, your oversharing and button pushing, you’re doing it for a specific reason. Kinda reminds me of the teen girls who have their friends flirt with their boyfriend or the wife who says don’t get me anything for my birthday, then proceeds to get angry there is no gift, not saying what you’re doing is that over the top, but the motivations are the same

 

I'm sorry, but I'm not interested at all in subconscious analysis oriented therapy, but only at therapy oriented at making progress in some areas & positive therapy oriented at using strengths.

 

If you see that they were form of manipulation, something I fail to see, please share with me why do you think it could be (we've already established it's not because I want to be a mother). Just tell me what come to your mind, and why do you think I wanted to provoke some reaction rather than just overshare my private life maybe.

 

I don't think the reason for therapy should be that other people think I could be manipulative by some actions and that I should explore the "what ifs" of my subconscious, I'm rather interested in interactions with people as they come, to learn that my words have made someone feel some way or interpret it some way. I think it's a good source of growth to sort such things as they come rather than examine some iceberg :)

 

 

Btw, I also sent my friend screenshots of conversations with my boyfriend about our relationship, and him the screenshots of her writing kind stuff about him back. I'm an oversharing ho :) And my friends know that. I don't think I normally share more than other people would to manipulate someone, I just value privacy less. I'm also ok with my friends reading my diary.

[Batya33]

I used to be too chatty and overshare. I started changing that almost 23 years ago. Ironically it was a positive suggestion my then boyfriend made on New Year’s Eve. Little did I know we’d marry 11 years later. One consequence of becoming more discreet about what I shared was healthier friendships and people trusted me a lot more with personal and private info. Even though I didn’t share others information by over sharing mine I probably gave the impression of poor boundaries in general with personal information. I realized I often over shared when I felt nervous or needed approval or attention. People tend to share a lot with me early on and find me approachable.

[figureitout23]

You state you don’t know why you made the joke and you don’t know why you showed him this post.

 

Well therapy would explore that with you.

 

Both were form of manipulation, you wanted to get a reaction out of him, maybe not consciously, like I said, we humans, we don’t do things we aren’t getting something out of, your oversharing and button pushing, you’re doing it for a specific reason. Kinda reminds me of the teen girls who have their friends flirt with their boyfriend or the wife who says don’t get me anything for my birthday, then proceeds to get angry there is no gift, not saying what you’re doing is that over the top, but the motivations are the same

 

I feel the need to quote the post you replied to, just to make clear you were in no way bullied by me.

 

I'm sorry, but I'm not interested at all in subconscious analysis oriented therapy, but only at therapy oriented at making progress in some areas & positive therapy oriented at using strengths.

 

If you see that they were form of manipulation, something I fail to see, please share with me why do you think it could be (we've already established it's not because I want to be a mother). Just tell me what come to your mind, and why do you think I wanted to provoke some reaction rather than just overshare my private life maybe.

 

I don't think the reason for therapy should be that other people think I could be manipulative by some actions and that I should explore the "what ifs" of my subconscious, I'm rather interested in interactions with people as they come, to learn that my words have made someone feel some way or interpret it some way. I think it's a good source of growth to sort such things as they come rather than examine some iceberg :)

 

 

Btw, I also sent my friend screenshots of conversations with my boyfriend about our relationship, and him the screenshots of her writing kind stuff about him back. I'm an oversharing ho :) And my friends know that. I don't think I normally share more than other people would to manipulate someone, I just value privacy less. I'm also ok with my friends reading my diary.

 

I feel the examples with the girl who has her friends flirt with her boyfriend to test him or the wife who tells her husband not to get her anything and then proceeds to get upset were already given but I will expand.

 

What I mean by manipulation is well relieving your own mental stresses by placing your burdens on others.

 

You admit the joke you told him was in ill taste. I think I already asked but I’ll ask again, what do you feel exactly motivated you to state such a thing, I get you say you two have a dark humor but as I responded earlier, the joke you told wasn’t some obscure reality, it was a very real albeit small possibility, so it was a serious subject, one I’d assume if you were a little put off by and that you would possibly want to discuss with him. Instead of maturely stating ‘hey this is what my Dr. said, just a heads up’ you chose this indirect kinda poke, one that he justifiably got very angry about, yet you shaped things so that you’re the victim... like...I don’t get it...

 

It’s your prerogative to not want to dive into subconscious analysis but that’s how my mind works and how I came to the conclusion I wrote about. You asked for advice, I gave it. You don’t get to dictate what message the messenger gives. I said nothing demeaning, abusive or otherwise mean spirited to you.

 

That’s my impression, I have a right to state it despite your campaigning to the contrary... *ahem*

 

On the subject of defending your oversharing, seriously asking is describing yourself as an ‘oversharing ho’ a good thing?