How much space do I give my boyfriend after an argument concerning marriage?

[itsallgrand]

This fear of being alone and hopping in relationships to fill a void should be addressed before thinking of marrying anyone.

Just my opinion.

[felurian]

This fear of being alone and hopping in relationships to fill a void should be addressed before thinking of marrying anyone.

Just my opinion.

 

I agree completely. If we break up I plan on being single for a long time.

[bluecastle]

This fear of being alone and hopping in relationships to fill a void should be addressed before thinking of marrying anyone.

Just my opinion.

 

Was going to say the same.

 

I'm not marriage-minded—not for, not against—but for all the reasons to get married I don't think fear of being alone should be one of them. That puts an extraordinary amount of pressure on the partner and the marriage to do something that is, well, impossible to do: negate the fundamental loneliness that is at the core of being a human.

 

Get cozy in that space—and it is a comfy one!—and you may find your connections, be it this one or another, are rooted in a deeper foundation, so when you ultimately say "I do" it is fully to a person, and a shared idea of life with that person, rather than to ward off loneliness or be less scared in your own skin.

[reinventmyself]

I've dated for the wrong reasons in the past. The fear of being alone being the most obvious. I kinda went back and forth during different stages of my life. But being firmly on the other side, I can sense when a man is dating me for the wrong reason and it's really a turn off.

 

I can think of someone just prior to meeting my boyfriend. I felt almost invisible, as if I could have been anybody, just a warm body in the chair. I was vertical and breathing, so I'll do.

 

When I didn't date from a healthy place, I shudder wondering if my date felt the same way in my presence.

I have the visual of that doll that you could unscrew their head and replace it with another.

 

And if I were just to accept someone that was so hungry for an attachment, how easy would it be to take advantage of them? Because when you are that hungry, you aren't being very discriminating.

 

Just thinking out loud and somethings to consider.

In so many ways the fear of being alone is a fear of being with yourself.

[katrina1980]

 

I guess I assumed our relationship had been growing and he was starting to see me in that way.

 

OK, number one lesson to be learned moving forward, don't ever assume! Never, ever, EVER.

 

If you want to know where someone stands, as directly. And pay attention to what they tell you versus telling yourself stories that jive with what you want to happen.

 

I've done that! And it always backfired on me and kicked me right in the a$$.

[felurian]

I have a brief update.

 

He called me and apologized for being stand offish. He wants to meet in person to discuss our next steps. I kept the conversation light, just because I was (am) too emotionally exhausted to address everything right now. When we do meet though, I want to be 100% honest with him about my desires and how I have been holding back in parts of our relationship. He ended the call saying he loves and misses me, I told him I feel the same because quite honestly, I do.

 

I know I should not be looking for a partner to fill my lonliness. I know I said earlier being alone was what I feared, but I don't think I artciulated my problem as well as I could have. Believe it or not, I actually quite enjoy my solitude and space. (extremely introverted) I also just really love being in a relationship and having close friends, but I know I should not be looking for a partner to complete me. I think more than learning to be alone, I need to learn how to stand up for my values and tackle the anxiety and fear I have of being abandoned. I fear rejection more than anything, and its a fear that impacts not only my love life but also work and friendships.

 

Here is an excerpt kind of explaining what I mean. Its really complex and stems from family drama that I lived through when I was kid. Like I said, I have had therapy for these issues, and I am a lot stronger now than I was then. But the anxiety I feel at the slightest hint of rejection is something that affects me to this day. (And I can only imagine is exhausting to deal with when trying to get close to me)

 

The fear of abandonment is highly personalized. Some people are solely afraid of losing a romantic partner. Others fear suddenly finding themselves completely alone.

https://www.verywellmind.com/fear-of-abandonment-2671741

 

Either way, no matter how you spell it out, until I can get a hold of that anxiety, I do not think I need to be in a relationship. Something I also hope to convey to my partner next time we meet. Praying now for strength and resolve to make the right decisions.

 

**Sorry if im being confusing, explaining the trauma and specifics of my problems is very hard for me to do. Im generalizing here for simplicity sake.

[bluecastle]

Inhale, exhale...

 

You're not being confusing in the least. You're quite articulate and aware—great qualities. When you say you want to be 100 percent honest, what does that look like? What do you feel you've been holding back?

[Batya33]

Do you feel that marriage is more of a guarantee against rejection? So, sure it's harder to divorce than break up in general (you know, with exceptions) but as you probably know well you can feel or be rejected even if your partner stays with you. So he might marry you, reluctantly, but given your heightened sensitivities you might read into very minor stuff as "signs" that he doesn't want to be with you especially if you feel you had to "convince" him to marry you.

 

I agree with BC that you expressed yourself in this last post in a very articulate and self-aware way.

[boltnrun]

The primary reason I divorced my husband was because he rejected me during our marriage. He rejected my offers of companionship, he rejected my offers of assistance in his daily life and he rejected me sexually. I felt like I was married to someone who didn't even LIKE me, let alone love me. In fact, he admitted as much when I asked him.

 

So no, marrying someone does not guarantee they will not reject you. Particularly if they married you under duress.

[katrina1980]

The primary reason I divorced my husband was because he rejected me during our marriage. He rejected my offers of companionship, he rejected my offers of assistance in his daily life and he rejected me sexually. I felt like I was married to someone who didn't even LIKE me, let alone love me. In fact, he admitted as much when I asked him.

 

So no, marrying someone does not guarantee they will not reject you.

 

I am sorry you had to experience that bolt, I cannot even imagine.

 

My late dad used to express the same thing to me - he said he felt more alone in his marriage to my mom, than he would have had he actually been single and alone. As she was always rejecting him too, silent treatment (just like she did with me), withdrawing in other ways.

 

For a long time, she refused to have sex with him, I was just a young girl but I always wondered why there were only two single beds in their bedroom.

 

He shared all this with me after their divorce as a warning to be very very careful about who I choose to marry, as he did not want me experiencing what he did.

[felurian]

When you say you want to be 100 percent honest, what does that look like? What do you feel you've been holding back?

 

For this situation specifically, it means sitting down with my partner and letting him know again that I desire to build on a relationship that leads towards marriage. That even if we need to break up for that to happen, its only fair that we are both honest with each other. I don't ever want him to feel like he has to give up his dreams or preffered life style just for me.

 

I feel ike I've been holding myself back and not trusting myself or God to provide for me in the ways my heart truly needs. Because my partner is not religous, I don't share that part of myself with him very often. He has never rejected it, but I hate to come across as preachy. But maybe I can even explain why my journey with God influences the way I hope to live my life. I figure it can't hurt, especially if this is really the end.

 

Do you feel that marriage is more of a guarantee against rejection? So, sure it's harder to divorce than break up in general (you know, with exceptions) but as you probably know well you can feel or be rejected even if your partner stays with you. So he might marry you, reluctantly, but given your heightened sensitivities you might read into very minor stuff as "signs" that he doesn't want to be with you especially if you feel you had to "convince" him to marry you.

 

 

Not exactly. My parents have been married for over 30 years and their relationship is fraught with problems and abuse. I know that marriage isnt the end all be all in regards to how well a partner treats their spouse. Again, I just want to live my life according to God's word. I want to celebrate my love with a select small group of family and friends, and I wanna honor the vows I eventually give to my husband. I also feel with marriage, I hope I can be 100% my authentic self and hopefully navigate the feelings of abandonment and rejection with a partner who is also in it for the long haul. In a way, it may be more of a guarantee, but only if I'm married to the right person to begin with.

[felurian]

The primary reason I divorced my husband was because he rejected me during our marriage. He rejected my offers of companionship, he rejected my offers of assistance in his daily life and he rejected me sexually. I felt like I was married to someone who didn't even LIKE me, let alone love me. In fact, he admitted as much when I asked him.

 

So no, marrying someone does not guarantee they will not reject you. Particularly if they married you under duress.

 

I am so sorry you had to go through that experience. It definitely wasnt something you deserved. My mom and dad also had similar issues. They would fight very late into the night and when I was younger I always blamed my mom for being so withdrawn. As I have gotten older though, I realize that my mom also had issues with HER mom. So being with my dad may have triggered her own feelings of insecurity causing her to withdraw.

 

Marriage is definitely a complicated and intricate ordeal that musnt be taken lightly.

[katrina1980]

felurian, with your strong Christian values, I am wondering if you have ever considered meeting men at Christian meet-ups or even singles groups at whatever Church you attend.

 

It's just so apparent that you need to be with a fellow Christian who shares your values and vision re God and what you want for your future.

 

My personal prayer for you is that you leave your current boyfriend, be alone for a bit, get to know you, and then start attending Christian singles events and Church where you can meet men you are more compatible with.

 

I envision you marrying within the next year, two years tops! Christian men are very open to marriage and family, it's a core value for them, and I believe you would be most happy with a man like this.

 

Good luck!!

[Honeycomb8]

Three years is more than enough time to know whether you want to marry someone. Some people are married with two kids by that stage!

 

I really don't think you guys have the same fundamental values, and this is nothing about you having to get him to see you in another light- he's just not a marriage oriented guy. He will keep moving the bench post and it won't change regardless of how much of an awesome caring and perfect gf you are. Living in the moment is what people that don't want proper commitment say.

 

He won't marry you.

 

Sorry but I think it's best to reconsider the relationship. I think being able to talk about a future is something that can def happen in the first 7 months, let alone three whole years. You're wasting your time. :I

Don't be the girl that looks back on this thread in two years time with the the same dilemna.

[abitbroken]

felurian, with your strong Christian values, I am wondering if you have ever considered meeting men at Christian meet-ups or even singles groups at whatever Church you attend.

 

It's just so apparent that you need to be with a fellow Christian who shares your values and vision re God and what you want for your future.

 

My personal prayer for you is that you leave your current boyfriend, be alone for a bit, get to know you, and then start attending Christian singles events and Church where you can meet men you are more compatible with.

 

I envision you marrying within the next year, two years tops! Christian men are very open to marriage and family, it's a core value for them, and I believe you would be most happy with a man like this.

 

Good luck!!

The key to finding someone is to not compromise. You don't have to go to Christian meetups. Stay true to your word in not "living together", wanting someone to share your faith at least somewhat, and men who don't fit those criteria will fall away by you going to coffee/going on dates to get to know them and then you deciding not to move forward because of it --

[Rose Mosse]

Find someone you're more compatible with. This includes spiritual beliefs. You're both not cut out for each other. Call a spade a spade and try being respectful towards each other in the end.

 

I feel like you may find yourself on another spiritual and personal journey, one that you need to take before you feel more comfortable with yourself and your beliefs. In negating who and what you are, you are also depriving your partner of a fuller version of you. You're not done yet. Keep growing.

[Cherylyn]

Sadly, your story is reminiscent of numerous females saying the same thing. I've heard this same universal story from countless friends and relatives.

 

After 3 years of having this boyfriend, he's thinking, "Why buy the cow when I can get the milk for free?"

 

It's very wise to ask what his intentions are. Why should you be strung along with false hopes?

 

He gave you a lame answer by saying "not knowing if he wants to marry you unless you lived with each other despite having a solid relationship all the time." What the heck? He's full of it.

 

I'm a Christian, too and went straight from my mother's house to marriage. I knew my husband was "thee one." I don't mind if others shack up but it wasn't for me nor my husband. It's not our way. We are traditional and our marriage is long lasting and blissfully happy.

 

It sounds to me that as soon as serious questions arose such as your future together or not in legal terms, suddenly, he was hit with reality and didn't like it. He prefers status quo. A lot of men don't want change. They love the freedom of non-commitment and non-legal relationships.

 

Now you know the real guy. His intentions are not pure, honorable and sincere with you. Stop wasting your youth on this good for nothing guy. He's not worth it.

 

He's not going to change so give him all the time and space he wants. It's time for you to move on with your life. He doesn't love you enough to marry you, devote his life to you nor make it legal. He will only go so far and stop short with you which you must accept. It's time for you to get a reality check.

 

If I were you, I would break up with this guy because he can't deliver.

[leseine7]

Felurian, I want to echo what others have said here: you sound intelligent, grounded, and self-aware. I can see that you are far from attempting to paint your SO in a negative light, which also leads me to believe that you can do much better than wasting more years with someone who will take your clearly-stated values and toss them aside. Perhaps I am somewhat biased because I dated someone for a long time who reacted similarly whenever I would try to understand what our future held.

 

There is nothing - and I mean NOTHING - wrong with knowing you want marriage. As you seem aware of already, the best thing you can do is to work on your insecurities around rejection before that day comes in order to ensure that when you do get married, it is not bogged down by worries and uncertainties you cannot yet harness.

 

I have a hunch that you are a powerful, independent person at heart and that this person has been holding you back for the last three years. Relationships don't have to end in marriage to be successful. The success here can be that you learned deep truths about yourself and what you are looking for from your life, and that you did not sacrifice those values even when you desperately wanted to make it work.

 

It's possible that when you guys meet you won't feel brave enough to stand up for these. Or that he will somehow say something to make it "okay enough" to continue on for another while before the next deal-breaking argument comes up. That's okay if that happens. Unless he has a way of proving to you that he is indeed up for the same level of commitment - I mean the EXACT same, and because he wants it, not simply because he does not want to lose you - I am certain you will eventually move on from this person when you are ready to.

 

I hope you will update us here, and I hope you can feel the support you very much have from us. Know your worth.

[maew]

This fear of being alone and hopping in relationships to fill a void should be addressed before thinking of marrying anyone.

Just my opinion.

 

Agree as well... otherwise OP will continue to choose relationships that don't meet her needs in order to avoid being alone... and as we all know that leads to nothing good.

[reinventmyself]

I have a few years on you and looking back in the rear view mirror I can share with you that every, I mean every single relationship I had where I waited for change ultimately ended. I ended for the very same reasons I found myself waiting.

 

We aren't talking minor things like, compromising on what to eat for dinner.

You are facing one of the most monumental requests. A change of values.

In my experience, it's extremely rare that it happens.

Especially in light of the fact that he has shown no desire.

 

You two are basically jockeying back and forth to see who will concede to the other persons terms.

Doesn't seem very romantic to me.