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  1. Hi there, to start, I find it commendable that you are concerned about crossing your gfs boundaries. It shows that you care for her feelings and genuinely want to do right by her. Only you and your gf can determine the boundaries you have relating to porn/types of porn. I think engaging her in an honest discussion about what it is you both want out the relationship would be prudent. Maybe she is okay with PH, but not onlyfans. Maybe deep down, she isn’t a fan of porn at all. After having those discussions, then you can determine how YOU feel about porn in a relationship and if your values align with hers. I hope you two are able to find a compromise. In the interim, give yourself some grace. There are so many who hide their porn usage from their partners without regard for how their secret activities may effect their spouse. It’s awesome that you care enough to be forthcoming with her.
  2. He finally agreed to counseling yesterday. It took a lot of pleading and trying to justify why I thought it’d be helpful. I’m grateful he is going to at least try.
  3. We really do. I know I paint the relationship like it’s all bad. It’s not, I come here to vent my frustrations and anger. In our relationship, when my husband has asked for X or Y, I’m quick to give in to him because I love and cherish our relationship. Example, after closing the long distance we started to argue about chores. I was indeed controlling and domineering. He suggested counseling or the marriage was over. The next day I found a therapist and have been working really hard to approach contentious topics kindly, to use I feel statements, to state my intentions prior to the conversation etc. the problem I’m running in to however, is no matter how gently I approach a contentious topic, my husband will become defensive and either stonewall, bring up other issues not even related to the conversation, become sarcastic/condescending, or if it gets really bad, call me names. I try so hard to stay rational and calm, but eventually, something in me snaps, and now I’m yelling and crying. (For example, my friend who I had not seen since coming back home was having a Christmas party and invited me and my husband. We ended up going but only staying for one hour. My husband was not making an attempt to get to know my friends and because he was bored requested to leave early. I kindly asked him, “babe, can you stay with me? I haven’t seen these guys in ages, I want to continue catching up.” But instead of meeting me halfway, he stated that he was free to do whatever he wanted and what he wanted to do was leave. I felt so hurt that night, because there have been many times I hang with his friends even when I’m tapped out. Where I made a compromise because I knew it was important to him. That night, I was understandably IMO, upset. But instead of empathizing, he called me controlling. ) What in my mind should have been a two way conversation where we share our thoughts and feelings, has now turned into a war where I am arguing the justification of my feelings. At the end of the day, the issue is how we communicate. And as other users have pointed out, I KNEW this about him prior to getting married. The onus at this point is on me. While I love and care deeply for my husband, I am tired of not feeling heard in our relationship. I’m tired of defending my feelings. I’m tired of feeling like I need to change him into something that he simply is not. I’m willing to continue changing and growing (not just for him, but to be a better person in general) To be less controlling, nagging, anxious, and insecure. When I feel safe, I actually revel in my femininity . I love when a man is about his word and takes charge. I love supporting my husband when I feel appreciated and seen. But as of right now, given the constant bickering and betrayal, my emotional reserve runs thin. I hope via counseling he is able to introspect just a little bit to see where I’m coming from. I’m more than willing to make the changes he needs, I just want to feel that reciprocated.
  4. I caught him ONCE before marriage. Second time was recently during the marriage.
  5. I’m not sure where the vitriol/sarcasm is coming from... I would appreciate if you didn’t assume those horrible things regarding my character. I’m not a hypocrite and I’ve relayed in other post, while I’m Christian I don’t sit on a high horse acting like I’m without sin. I promise I come here in good faith, a young women who really wants her marriage to work, and is very open to accepting the wrongs I’ve done to add to our dysfunction. I’m already down, I ask kindly for some gentleness. Again, I’m not on a high horse about porn. It’s simply my boundary. A boundary he was aware of and accepted. I feel I’m allowed some grace as he was the one who promised to stop. Had he told me after discovery day 1, “no felurian, I want to continue using porn and I don’t see a moral reason to stop” then that would have ended our relationship. But instead he told me that he agreed that using porn was not in line with the person he wants to be. Not from a moralistic standpoint, but from a fear that it would impact his performance and lead to an ED/addiction. He held me the night I found out and promised that he would stopped. I take accountability for my nagging and attempt to change him, full stop. But I don’t agree that he didn’t have an opportunity to tap out when I laid my boundary. It’s not okay to lie to your partner. I agree that I contributed to a mother-son dynamic as it relates to chores, finances, tidiness, etc. I accept that instead of loving him and accepting him for who He is, that I attempted to change him into who I wanted him to be. For what it’s worth, I love my husband. There are great aspects of his character. He is extremely smart, diligent, values family, and when he isn’t defensive/stonewalling, does try to meet me halfway. Our issues are a result of poor communication on both our parts. One poster was right on the mark, we both fight dirty due to our hurt. That patterns been apparent since the beginning of our relationship and clearly is exacerbated when we live together. All I can do is hope and pray that with counseling I can better hear him and understand him and he do the same for me. That we can find some common ground and learn to manage disagreements without blowing up. Without throwing daggers and shielding our hearts. He is free at any point during this process to decide that the fight for our marriage is not worth it. I would never hold him against his will if he decided to throw in the towel. Again I accept that I have contributed to our discord and am readying myself to lay in the bed I made.
  6. We talked again this morning. Long story short, he is open to marriage counseling. I told him I want to lay low for the time being, start focusing on myself and mental health. The constant arguing, him storming off/stonewalling, and me being left to cry is emotionally too much. From his perspective, he is tired of the disrespect and nagging. We need a third party to help us communicate more effectively. So that we both can stop hurting each other. I’m resolving in my heart that even after counseling we may not be able to recover from the damage that’s been done. Thank you everyone who has responded. Y’all’s insight have helped me to take a look at my actions and how I’ve contributed to the dysfunction.
  7. I had dropped the pleading to get married and focused solely on myself following that post. It was right around the time I entered grad school. I got an opportunity to move to Miami for my fellowship year and I remember telling him that I was going to take the opportunity. He was upset at the time and didn’t want to do long distance, but I explained that I couldn’t pass up a great job opportunity for someone who was still unsure of our future. I was willing to do long distance, but respected if he wanted to end our relationship. upon moving to Miami, HE was the one to suggest marriage after only a month of being long distance. He proposed to me 4 months later. In the end I never coerced him to marry me. I figured not having me readily available allowed him to feel my absence and maybe finally revealed how committed to him I had always been. Like I said, the year apart was actually one of the best years of our relationship. Our communication was on point. He appeared so loving kind and attentive to my needs. It’s one of the times I felt the most secure in our relationship.
  8. Matthew 5:28: But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart Now I’m sure we can all agree, if my partner were to ever visit a prostitute and lay with her, he’d be committing adultery. now how about he purchases a prostitute but watches her touch herself while he touches himself? Okay maybe he doesn’t purchase a prostitute, but seeks a live sex worker online? One he can interact with, but still isn’t touching? Finally, now he is seeking a paid sex worker (although not paid by him and in all honesty has most likely been human trafficked and coerced into the position she is in) to masturbate to, to imagine laying with. How is this not a complete betrayal of the promise to love, cherish, respect, and honor only me, within our covenant marriage? How is seeking a sex worker online any different than purchasing a prostitute? The veil of pixels hides the intention of the act which is to fantasize and release to the thought of other women. And to reiterate, we discussed porn before getting married. I never made an ultimatum but I explained exactly why it was something I personally could not tolerate in a relationship. Instead of respecting MY boundary, he lied to me. He was the one that promised to stop looking at porn. He betrayed me and demonstrated a lack of respect of my wishes. Again, the first time I found his porn, it was a folder on his computer devoted to his MULTIPLE Asian ex girlfriends. I am African American. I look nothing like the women of his past. One of the folders was even titled, “best girlfriend”. When I caught him looking at porn after lying to me (discovery day 2) his exact search was, “Asian girl cream pi3” I had to reconcile that instead of laying with me, his own wife, my husband sought out a random women who doesn’t even know he exists, but looks like the women he has dated in his past, so he could fantasize about filling her up with his load instead of sleeping with me. Coupled with the lying, how am I not supposed to feel insecure? How can I rest assuredly that I’m my husbands first choice in partner. The porn he seeks doesn’t even look like me. He’d rather pretend to be laying with the women he prefers than to touch me? Not to sound conceited, but I know I am attractive. I’m petite, hourglass figure, and toned. I’m extremely girly, take care of my eyebrows, nails, hair is natural and full. I’m 28 and am routinely mistaken for 18-20. I enjoy sex and when emotionally fulfilled, desire to be with husband at least 2-3x per week. Im not insecure in my looks, but in that my husband settled for me. That if an Asian women he fancies were to give him a genuine chance, he’d bolt because that’s his true preference. These feelings never arose to this degree until I caught him the second time looking specifically for Asian porn.
  9. I’m back home now. I’m upset and wondering if I’m the ***. I’m still hurt that he disinvited me from his parents house, told me to leave him alone Sunday morning, and then cancelled our upcoming weekend plans. He says it’s his boundary and he will continue to uphold it because whether it was my intention or not, I hurt him. He said he doesn’t care about intentions, if I hurt him he is in the right to enact a boundary. while he says his actions are setting boundaries, I view them as punishment. Punishment for suggesting we make headway on buying a house. He says it was really the comments made earlier during our day that irked him. I explain that while my actions aren’t justified, the comments came from hurt. Deep pain and a sense of betrayal that he lied about his porn use. And now the residual insecurity I have regarding what I feel is his true preference. I then brought up, if I had never brought up home buying, he wouldn’t have cancelled our plans. Which he admitted was true, that the nagging was the straw that broke the camels back. In my heart I feel he is just being vindictive and spiteful. But when I step back, I can see why he doesn’t want to bend over backwards for a wife who doesn’t trust her husband (he feels he has been trustworthy and doesn’t deserve the low opinion I have of him.) so from his perspective, I get it. I just can’t help but feel so gosh darn hurt.
  10. Yeah when I shared the story with my sister, she said this stuck out to her and she was disappointed to see him “punishing me” by withdrawing the promises he has made me. She said his actions aren’t showing that he wants to rebuild. That essentially he wants me to stay quiet and agreeable. Yes I work. I barely make enough to live alone, let alone pay my reoccurring bills/debts. I’ve considered enrolling in technology courses to initiate a career change. I always imagined doing this after kids, but I’m starting to believe it may be more prudent to set myself up for success now.
  11. So would it be best if I suggest more positive actions only if he comes to me first? Anytime I suggest an alternative without him requesting my input is nagging? And maybe the doctor who prescribed the medication made a diagnoses of ADHD but didn’t tell him? I’m not sure, I just know he uses it as needed to help him focus at work. I agree, the drinking remains an unresolved issue but like you said above, I shouldn’t bring it up less I look like a nag. so really this leaves me with waiting for my husband to hit some sort of rock bottom and initiate recovery on his own. I can’t control when or how (or if ever) this will all happen. I should focus on my own well being and reactions.
  12. Yes I do work. But I do not make nearly as much as my husband. He supports me financially. he was prescribed medication for ADHD however never formally diagnosed. I’ve always suspected a degree of ADHD, but would love a second opinion from a professional. I’ve brought up how beneficial I have found therapy to be (even though it came as strong suggestion from him). But he doesn’t think a therapist would be able to tell him anything he doesn’t already know. I actually haven’t nagged specifically re: the drinking and gambling. I may suggest instead of drinking, he can finally get around to cleaning his office, or building his new bookshelf. Or instead of playing poker for the day, he can tackle expense reports that he needs to complete for work (he’s told me that he procrastinates on these reports at work which has lead to some reprimanding). I try to be as positive about this as I can. But no matter how gentle I am, he just says I’m nagging him.
  13. I don’t want to divorce. But I don’t see an solution if he isn’t willing to at least try couples counseling with me. As an update, I’m staying with my sister now. He’s upset that I left the house and won’t be returning. I figured giving space would be better then me staying at home ruminating/crying over the situation.
  14. He himself labels the behavior, avoidant. He’s even gone so far as to suggest that he has an executive function disorder. thank you everyone for the responses. I agree in that I’ve changed a lot in the 7 years I’ve been with my husband. He met me at 21 and now I’m 28. He was with me during my undergrad/graduate degrees and residency year. I grew a lot within that time and have different values/believes than when we first met. I thought our love and relational compatibility (our friendship, banter, same media interests, love for travel, desire for a large family etc) would be enough to sustain us. I also hoped that I could positively help him with his struggles. Again, I understand I was foolish. And I have been nagging him to be someone that he probably will never be. I don’t want to be his mother and control him. I think what I should do moving moving forward is take a step back....
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