How much space do I give my boyfriend after an argument concerning marriage?

[maew]

OP when I look at the facts of what you have stated, I see the following:

 

He needs to be convinced to live with you

 

He isn’t sure if he sees himself marrying you

 

He claims that he is compromising his values but in reality he is getting exactly what he wants

 

You ARE compromising your values for the sake of staying with him... ie living with him without a commitment.

 

He makes you laugh and you have a good time together except when you are talking about commitment.

 

When you hold him to account he holds you hostage with his unwillingness to communicate and need for space.

 

I can see why alarm bells are going off in your head, they are definitely going off in mine right now!

 

Instead of living in a fantasy of making this what you want, start looking at this relationship objectively... and whether it aligns with what you want in reality.

[namastehappy]

Don’t waste your life. Spend your life with someone who feels the same way you do about something so important.

[felurian]

Why didn't you tell him early on?

 

Honestly, I'd be rather upset if someone had the values you do and had not made them clear until being asked to move in together!

 

It's fine it's your values, but you have to be honest and upfront. And this trying to convince him to understand these values, well he doesn't have to. It's enough to know you are incompatible to go any further.

 

But you really wasted his time. There were SO many people, when I was dating, who were all about getting married in the near future and made that crystal clear very early on in getting to know each other. You won't have trouble finding someone like that. Don't force your values of marriage as the end game on him.

 

He has known since the first year of our relationship that I want to eventually get married. That was our very first huge argument. I left the subject alone for the next year of our relationship to try to compromise and live more in the moment.

 

I just shared with him this weekend my fears about living with a man who is not interested in commitment. Again I was trying to push that desire aside but it came out while drunk.

[boltnrun]

Can you "push that desire aside" permanently?

[bluecastle]

He has known since the first year of our relationship that I want to eventually get married. That was our very first huge argument.

 

Well, there's a big lesson here for future dating and relationships, should this one not work out.

 

In short: when you share something basic about yourself—be it a desire to get married or a desire between the sheets—and it causes your "first huge argument" it probably means you're better off finding someone with whom sharing something basic about yourself causes further excitement and deeper connection.

 

Basic desires are beautifully powerful and potent. They don't enjoy being pushed aside. After a while—and after a few drinks—they will push back.

[itsallgrand]

Compromise is letting his ratty old chair stay, and getting a new couch.

It's not compromising values, what you want out of life.

Relationships aren't about giving yourself up.

This is really important stuff.

 

And it does seem you had trouble, out of fear of your dream not coming true with him, in being true to yourself.

 

You know the deal now. He doesn't need to want to marry you to move in together. You don't have to agree it even understand. Just to accept it.

Good luck.

[katrina1980]

felurian, you said you fear ending relationships, even unhealthy ones, because you have abandonment issues.

 

Have you sought professional help for those issues so that they don't keep you stuck in dead end relationships with men who don't share your values and on completely different paths?

 

If not, I strongly encouage you to do so.

[felurian]

Can you "push that desire aside" permanently?

 

I have tried and I can't.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. he's manipulating you. He wants to play house, not a commitment. Stick to your values. Let him pout and whine all he wants. After three years all he is offering is a test drive, convenient sex, sharing bills and household stuff, not marriage, not engagement, not commitment.

 

Never apologize for who you are or what's important to you. If his values differ and he usually just lives with a string of women, then he's not compatible with you or consistent with your values. Give him all the space he wants and do not kowtow to appease him or hang to him. Don't waste more years being strung along.

I have always wanted to know that a relationship with my partner was at least building towards marriage before doing so. (I am Christian and these are simply my values, I know that they may not make the most sense in the present day, but they are something I have prayed heavily about and feel confident in).

[katrina1980]

I have tried and I can't.

 

Well there's only one thing to do then, the only thing you can do.

 

Whether you will or not, finding the strength to do it, is something only you can decide.

 

But if you do choose to say, stop hassling him about it, causing arguments.

 

You know where he stands, he is not leading you on, so continuing to even bring this up is completely unfair, imho.

[felurian]

felurian, you said you fear ending relationships, even unhealthy ones, because you have abandonment issues.

 

Have you sought professional help for those issues so that they don't keep you stuck in dead end relationships with men who don't share your values and on completely different paths?

 

If not, I strongly encouage you to do so.

 

I have been in and out of therapy since I was a young girl. I've managed to aquire a lot of good coping mechanisms for times I'm feeling anxious/overwhelmed, but I still struggle with ending relationships that arent right for me. There was only one time I was able to do it, and afterwards I immediatly jumped into another relationship.

 

I have a strong fear of being alone and not good enough for any one person. While I have a lot of great stuff happening in my life right now (graduate assistant for my schools grad program, I'm taveling to Georgia to visit my family and friends soon, good health and all that jazz), when I am not in a relationship I feel utterly worthless. I know logically that's not the case. And I know love with someone who is more compatible with me is possible.

 

Im just scared of starting over, having to share my past with someone new and to be quite honest, finding the time to date like I had when I was 21!

 

A huge part of me just wants my bf to realize that our life together could be really great and that I love him tremeandously, despite him pushing me away and not wanting the same things. But I think you all are right in assuming this is not the right relationship for either of us, and that it needs to end. Especially if I can not give up my hope for marriage.

 

We still havent spoken so I may have to be the one to inititate things...

[felurian]

Just wanted to say thank you all again for being so kind and sharing beautiful words of wisdom. I prayed this morning for inner strength and patience and you all have helped tremendously.

[MissCanuck]

In my experience, having watched a few friends go through this - the guys that have to be persuaded into marriage are the guys who don't make good husbands.

 

The same could be said for women who are talked into marriage too, I imagine. Or anyone making a big life decision without truly wanting it. When your heart isn't in it for the right reasons, the results tend to be less-than-stellar. Keep that in mind moving forward here.

[boltnrun]

My ex husband pressured me into marriage. His words were "either you agree to marry me right now or I'll break up with you and find someone who wants to be married." He didn't mean rush straight to the courthouse, but that I would agree to marry him. Right then.

 

I had just turned 20 years old. I had been a teenager a week before! I didn't know what I wanted for lunch, let alone what I wanted forever! But I didn't want to lose him either. So I agreed to become engaged and then married him.

 

 

Sixteen years and two kids later we divorced. Our marriage deteriorated until we couldn't stand one another. We're good people but we both did things out of frustration and resentment that were not good. The divorce was amicable but we have been only cordial. Today we do not communicate at all as our kids are adults.

 

It was a mess. That's what happens when half the couple marries the other half under duress.

 

Don't condemn yourself to a few years with a resentful husband (if he even gets that far). You deserve the man who can't imagine NOT marrying you.

[saluk]

"Before this fight, our communication has been pretty good. We laughed so much together and in general our relationship felt light and fun. Are huge arguments tend to surround the topic of marriage, but otherwise, I love speaning time with him."

 

I hate to break it to you, but your communication has never been good. You both have learned how to dance around the issues that you have with each other, the deeper things, in order to maintain your light and fun connection. When you come to an impass, you fight for a bit, and then take some steps back, and go back to the pattern that has kept you going - without resolving any of the actual issues. The purpose of disagreements in relationships is not to find a way to stop disagreeing, but to use those moments to bring clarity to parts of your relationship that are fuzzy. Ideally: You either work on a compromise that works for both parties, or at the very least agree to disagree but with the positions clearly stated so there is no later confusion. If neither of those options work, you come to an impass - and move on with a clear reason why it didn't work so that you know what to watch out for in future relationships.

 

There are plenty of christian men who still care about getting married. You can usually tell pretty early whether a guy is after the same thing as you or not if you are paying attention. Or just ask deeper questions earlier.

 

It's easy when you are young or inexperienced to focus on the feel-good parts of a relationship without really paying attention to long term compatibility. My bet is that your guy is really just not into marriage at all - it sounds like he would be happy to cohabitate long term but is not into the legal or religious aspects of marriage. As your hopes for marriage are religious, I have to wonder about other incompatibilities you may have than just this one, that you may also have swept under the rug. As you start reexamining the relationship, I wouldn't be surprised if you find other issues.

 

Keep praying about it, and see if you can sit down and really talk about some of these things. When you are both sober. A mutual agreement may be preferable to a slow fade out.

[JaggerJim]

Big mistake. You havn't even moved in together to see if he's the one. Why are you so focused on marriage? You should have taken the time to get to know him fully before ever bringing up that subject.

 

He probably just feels like your now trying to trap him by living together with the expectation that marriage should be at the end of it.

[boltnrun]

Big mistake. You havn't even moved in together to see if he's the one. Why are you so focused on marriage? You should have taken the time to get to know him fully before ever bringing up that subject.

 

He probably just feels like your now trying to trap him by living together with the expectation that marriage should be at the end of it.

 

I would imagine being in a committed relationship for three years would be sufficient time to "know him".

 

That doesn't mean people aren't capable of choosing to overlook, disregard or ignore what they don't want to believe or accept.

 

Lots of people are focused on marriage. It's a pretty common goal!

[felurian]

Big mistake. You havn't even moved in together to see if he's the one. Why are you so focused on marriage? You should have taken the time to get to know him fully before ever bringing up that subject.

 

He probably just feels like your now trying to trap him by living together with the expectation that marriage should be at the end of it.

 

Have you been reading the thread? I was reluctant to move in with him because I would rather know before moving in with man that he is considering marriage. I have no desire to trap anyone, I just value that sort of commitment. We have been dating for 3 years, I know him fairly well. I’ve known his stance on marriage for a while too. (Well vaguely he has quite honestly given me the run around)

 

It was my mistake entirely for thinking that I could wait it out. Or that if I showed him how patient I was he would reconsider.

[JaggerJim]

Have you been reading the thread? I was reluctant to move in with him because I would rather know before moving in with man that he is considering marriage. I have no desire to trap anyone, I just value that sort of commitment. We have been dating for 3 years, I know him fairly well. I’ve known his stance on marriage for a while too.

 

It was my mistake entirely for thinking that I could wait it out. Or that if I showed him how patient I was he would reconsider.

 

But that is the trap right there.

[felurian]

But that is the trap right there.

 

I respect your viewpoint. *shrug*

[boltnrun]

But that is the trap right there.

 

How is that a trap??? He can say no.

 

Plenty of men want to get married. It's not just women.

[saluk]

But that is the trap right there.

 

"Yes if we move in together and that works out, after about 2 years, marriage is something I am definitely considering and looking forward to" is not a trap.

 

I bring up marriage with women I go out on dates with after a couple dates. Not directly obviously, but things like, "what are your thoughts on marriage" "how long would you expect to date someone before you think you can see yourself marrying them".

 

The trap (which they both sprung on each other in a way) was, let's keep dating and having fun and maybe they will [stop making marriage a core value/start making marriage a core value] at some later point.

[JaggerJim]

Well OP really, if you've been dating him for 3 years and he's never been interested in marriage why would he suddenly be open to marriage if you move in together? Makes no sense to me.

 

It sounds like you've always been ready for marriage but unfortunetley for you, you have wasted precious time on a guy who has never brought it up, and it's suddenly come to a head on that drunken fight night when you did not like what he had to say about it.

[felurian]

Well OP really, if you've been dating him for 3 years and he's never been interested in marriage why would he suddenly be open to marriage if you move in together? Makes no sense to me.

 

It sounds like you've always been ready for marriage but unfortunetley for you, you have wasted precious time on a guy who has never brought it up, and it's suddenly come to a head on that drunken fight night when you did not like what he had to say about it.

 

I guess I assumed our relationship had been growing and he was starting to see me in that way. Since our first argument about the topic, I thought we had learned to communicate better with one another. We have both gone through some rough experiences that brought us closer and lin general, having a blast with our relationship.

 

But like Saluk said, maybe we werent growing closer in the ways we needed too. Just both of us side stepping the issue entirely and hoping we could change eachother's minds.

[JaggerJim]

Personally if you can get past the fight, and he's still open to moving in together you'd have to ask yourself if you are willing to take the risk that you two may never get married.

 

He now knows that marriage is your hearts desire and maybe he may ask you in the future unexpectedly one year. If you love him enough, does marriage even matter? He will never forget that this is important to you, but now you have to take the chance on life that he may or may never propose to you in the future. If you can't live with that gamble you probably should end it soon.